Vanity & Sin

A New Day

With the utter shock of icky news wearing off, I am feeling a little bit better.. partially because I have a 4 day weekend... FINALLY some time off for ME. No kid running around needing me every three seconds (I am a step-mom, love him, but wasn't prepared for a 3 year-old boys eratic boyness at times).. Husband is well aware to just leave me alone... so maybe I can get some tan time in... Living in Arizona has made tanning a #1 priority!

Aside from a severe toothache and tiredness.. maybe I should officially start this 'blog'.

Vanity & Sin

This term stems from a journal entry I wrote in January of 2003... something along the lines of me indulging myself in vanity & sin when I cannot face emotional problems, reality, or just how I feel in general... and it is true.. There's nothing wrong with being naughty and I find that I do it with such ease and without conscious... It's a bad habit I have aquired since living in the Valley of the Sun... I consider it my escape from the would have's, the should have's and the what might have been's... Anyone can wear a mask, just who do you want them to see? My mask is off here, and only here - I find it the safest place for now. We shall see if this bites me in the ass too...

I realized that year, that running away was truly hurting those around me much more than I ever wanted... and there would be nothing I could do to take it back. Once I realized that, I don't think I looked back.... and maybe at some point I should have.. but I was more caught up with manipulating the little boys at the clubs and making them pay my bills and the power that I had to do that. Was I a whore? Nope... Never slept with any of them, and that made me feel even stronger... when in reality I was only weak and running from any committment with anyone.

So in my downward spiral of booze, bar fights, men and money - I gave up. I couldn't live like that anymore... I met an asshole who got in my face and wouldn't leave.. I found out a friend of mine was having a baby.. I quit hoping, I quit dreaming and said 'fuck it' and married the first one to ask... and here I am today.. still a lost spirit trying to make it work, when obviously it's not. I gave up everything for someone who makes me feel like I am worthless... and now I am stuck. Worse than ever before. It used to be so easy to pretend everything was okay, but as each day passes I feel like I was meant to be alone more and more. I feel I am on the verge of breaking yet another man's heart because I just can't get it right... and I doubt I ever will.