Vanity & Sin

Sarah

I have been listening to Sarah McLachlan since I was 11 years old, almost 14 years of dedication and love of her music.. and her music has always touched a part of me that no other can come close to. She has eased me through loss, anger, love, and a whole lot of heartache... Since 2003, her latest album 'Afterglow' - one song has summed up my life and my relationships with men since moving to the Arizonan desert... the whole CD is fabulous, but 'Stupid' is how I feel most times...

Stupid
Night lift up the shades, let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now, for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone, to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That your no good for me
But you're the only one I see...

Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak, except to cry out and wait for your answer
And you come around in your time, speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you...

Everything changes, everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know...

Who can I apply it to this month?

Ouch!

I hate teeth - especially when you can't afford dental insurance and have had a toothache for 2 freakin' days! See what happens when you get married? Can't afford shit! I thought it was supposed to be the other way around...

Hmmmm... that's a good question...

My next ex-husband is filling out an application and I am performing a thorough background check prior to any committed involvement.

Friendship

I love my friends.. whether new or old, because they have always been there for me and are there for me every day. It's hard sometimes to be in the situation that I am in - but knowing that I have their support does assist in my proverbial 'balls' that are really needed at this stage in my life.. It's great to know someone has your back, still understands and loves you, even if they are miles and miles away. I am in a good mood today! That's a first in a while.. and boy, did I need it.

Thanks to all of you! I love you all (J.G.D.W., L.A.S.C., M.O.M., I.D., W.R.M.) and think of you often!

The Ring

I got the ring back... FINALLY. One year ago my ring was decisively taken away from me by my in-laws because they felt I was unfit to be their son's wife. The ring is an heirloom from my husband's deceased father that he gave to my husband's mother. And she finally decided I could get it back. Go figure! I can't knock the ring though, it is 4 1/2 carats inlayed on 3 bands of 14k gold. That is my vanity speaking... and sinfully, I am glad I have it back. It will hurt more when I leave him. It's been another one of those weekends.. this time, it resulted in a fat lip, a slight bruise on the eye and some back pain and bruises... I fell, in my closet. That's the truth! Just with the assistance of a natural born asshole that thinks he's cute.

I'd much rather rip his heart out than just pack up and leave. So I will cherish the last days of this ring on my finger... I know he is petrified now, and I am at the advantage. He thinks I still love him.

I can be one vindictive bitch.

Deflated

I have lost my hot air. What am I fighting for? I guess it is time for me to take a deep breath and just realize and accept my fate. Or just deal with it. I am too young to be this unhappy, but is rebelling and arguing solving anything? I am destroying someone's heart that I once held dear, now pushing it away and hurting someone who truly loves me. But what is love anyway? Just another messed up emotion that keeps us grasping at dreams that no one believes in anymore. I do not feel I am well suited to committment, unless its unto myself. I find myself to be selfish and demanding, uncompromising and destructive. Then upon reflection, there are torrents of regret and questioning.. did I do the right thing? What if I made a mistake? Will I always be like this? Am I meant to be alone?

These are horrible thoughts to have on a regular basis, but they are always there - what message am I missing? Do I even care? What else do I have to look forward to? Casual sex? Men on as needed basis? Alone time wishing I weren't alone? I haven't resolved those concerns in my head yet. Maybe I just need to get out more and make an attempt at a life and get out of my 'prisoner' status. He can't make me stay home anymore.. I need to breathe, I need to LIVE.

If he can't deal with it, fuck him.

The Republican

Sounds like a new John Grisham novel!

I am not much of a news watcher, but here is the next phase of our so called "Democratic" America... Bush has just nominated Judge John G. Roberts (a Republican of course) who is a wee bit on the conservative side. Not that I am one for politics, but he definitely has a history of wanting to overturn the Roe vs. Wade decision to legalize abortion.

I bet some Democratic officials had their hair stand on end yesterday.

Temporary Relief

Mom's okay - well sorta. The tissue on her lung is hardening which doesn't exactly aid in easier breathing, but at least it is not the big "C". So that was a relief! Still worried of course, but what can I do... Hoping I can go see her soon, it's been over a year...

My brother on the other hand (in the Army) - the clot in his brain is no better nor are his headaches, but he is going to be a daddy in March of 2006 it looks like, so he is excited about that. He has something to at least distract him for the most part. He is such a worry wart, probably gets it from his big sis. For now, he is getting pumped with pain killers and being watched.. it hasn't gotten worse, but it hasn't gone away... Why is technology not so grand when you really need it to be?

I think these things going on in my family help me realize a lot too, that my problems really aren't as big as they seem compared to those of others...

They still SUCK of course - there's no changing that fact!

Side Note

Today we get the results for my mom's CAT scan of her lungs, she is really panicky. I am praying for the best, but sometimes certain emotions just can't be set aside...anger, love, devotion and even hate. I think that sums up how I feel the majority of the time! Such extremes for one person to tackle day in and day out, but what can you do? Until our lives are what we make it and what we want it to be, what do they expect me to do? Fake it? I don't pretend anymore, it got me stuck square in this hellish place in the first place...

Pretending is for the lost, reality is for the forsaken...I think I am caught somewhere in the middle.

My worst enemy is my own reality.

Memories

It is amazing how when things get tough or out of sync, that we reflect on the past, the choices we should have made - the dreams we left behind. In my world, the pieces are merely beginning to crumble. When you awake to the reality that you support someone financially, emotionally, and all you get in return is another argument - usually over money, that they don't even have! I realized this last night, I am the provider and I want to make the decisions... no more disputes over cable, I am paying for it - so I will decide. Why do I need to be told how to spend the money? Sure I am married, but when he hasn't provided half the income, or worked for more than 3 months somewhere at a time... I do think I am entitled to some say so.

And overall, this relationship is just dying. Last night, we argued (no thanks to my $$ realization) and he asked me what I wanted to do? I told him that I don't know yet, because I can't even afford to divorce him, he can't afford to divorce me! He's been telling me for months that he would take care of his child support (they are basing it on a much larger income), that he would get another job or at least a second job...I don't see a positive side to any of this and I don't even care to anymore. It's hard to see the end coming and not be able to do anything about it, yet.

Marriage is supposed to be a growing union - not a soul sucking nightmare.. and I don't believe in it anymore...I don't believe in us. I guess he has just disappointed me too many times to believe in him anymore.

At least pity and regret are no longer my enemy - I don't feel sorry for him, I feel empowered that he is and was nothing without me and that it is time for me to move on. I don't need to be at his level, I am better than that.

Funny, how sometimes you wake up, and things finally start to make sense...

Fear

I have been pondering myself and my actions for the past few days, and I have come to a few realizations. I have first and foremost, some very strong fears. Mainly, I have a fear of failure. Now, as I analyze this fear and reflect on choices I have made while feeling this way... maybe this is how I ended up in the situation I am in today.

I believe that every choice we make in life effects us in some significant way. From lovers, to fights, to alcoholism. Nothing is truly fate or destiny, it's a choice that we make. I have made many choices that I believe I was never truly honest with myself when I made those choices. I feel that I confuse myself in ideas and hopes - and occasional dreams. I hope and try to believe in something rather than just be honest with myself and then I end up in a worse nightmare than I expected. At what point in decision making are we supposed to be thinking clearly? Is it possible to continuously make the wrong choices to try and teach us a lesson? Maybe I am missing something here... And this is a little too possible!

Once upon a time, all I wanted in life was to find my 'self' and happiness..I have never experienced a more extroardinary and horrific time in my life. I have gone from freedom to a personal prison of a lifestyle, where daydreaming is my only friend. Dreaming of a life that no longer exists, of a life that I carry as a crutch to get me through the day. I do not think that is a healthy state of mind. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to my husband.

I have hit a rude awakening, mostly into myself. It is an extremely horrible feeling. I have never felt more negative emotions in my life! I have never felt such spite, anger, frustration and disappointment in myself and towards another person like the way I do now. It actually makes me feel guilty to look at my husband and feel the way I do. How could I let it get this way? How could I feel like this towards another human being, my own husband, the man I was supposed to be with forever? Could it be from the events that have occurred since we got married? Did I expect something more from marriage and not find it in this man? I am going to break his heart, in a way I already have, and its only the beginning. I don't mean to, but at what point do we have to look at what is best for everyone involved. He is married to a woman who despises him and he cannot see that. I love him, but not in the way that a wife should love her husband. It pains me to feel that way knowing that the end will come and he may never understand why.

Maybe this is why I stayed with him in the first place, because I felt bad and I felt sorry for him. And here we are again, struggling for something that doesn't exist. He adores me, and I spit on him.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone - I have a knack for hurting others around me that love me. And at times, I don't even care until it is too late.

Quick Update

I am having the most fabulous time with this.. so if you notice 8 million changes to links - or titles to areas, its because I am still learning here and having a ball! So bear with me, just attempting to personalize the most personal thing I have got (other than PANTIES).

And BTW: if you start to notice really 'Male' things and then really 'GIRLY' things like SlipKnot links to Victoria Secret ...

OH WELL, I guess I am just off like that!

P.S. I couldn't get too technical with V.S. just yet - maybe next time!

Puppypooplooza

Had an interesting morning today... 5am I wake up to a blood curdling scream. You know, the "WTF" roll over and try to get a grasp on consciousness? Well...my puppies had a moment last nite. I know they are babies still and they decided to host a poop fest last nite and it got smeared all over their bed, their kennel, their fur... YUCK. Fortunately, my husband was the first to the scene and they got a good swat on the butt and taken outside. I awoke and went to a kitchen that highly resembled a murder scene and almost fainted. I could not believe the stench and how it got EVERYWHERE! It was really amazing. So I spent a good hour of my morning washing and nurturing my puppies because they were so scared out of their minds. It was cute though, to have them all wrapped up in blankies laying in my lap while I drank my coffee. Kinda peaceful. House no longer smells like poop btw. I was burning incense, spraying the ever faithful Febreze.. I would say that my day started off great!

In Other News:
As for all of the other amazingly insane and strange things in my life, including my nutso emotions... I am feeling quite level. Just wanted readers to know... I am not any happier, but I am not losing it either..its nice to find a peace inside.

Even if it is only temporary.. with me, who knows when hell will break loose!

Chaos

Another day in the life of Me. And I think I am losing my mind. Yeah, it is most likely stress related, I seem to get flakier the busier I get and I cannot remember the last moment I had to just myself. What I would give for just a moment to myself, sitting alone in a park, or a restaurant reading a book with a nice cup of coffee. It seems every where I go, someone needs me - someone needs my help, needs my attention. I wonder who that 'someone' is, hmmm.. let me guess? Why can't we choose who we want to give and not give attention to? I think it sounds fair.

I think I am truly stressed beyond my means. I don't feel physically burned out, or even emotionally. Maybe mental anguish is actually possible. I have never felt more unlike myself in my life. Usually this would turn into some subliminal rage for me to turn my life around, but I don't even feel any urge to get up and get dressed except that its required to go to work. It is as though I am a zombie, bitter and angry, hungry for anything that crosses my path. I feel more aggressive towards conflict, negative towards problems, and just plain vicious. I think I might have a problem!

So what do I do? Jumping off a cliff doesn't solve my problems. A divorce might. Would that change me? Would that help? Do I remain involved in bad relationships to punish myself for the mistakes I have made emotionally? Do I blame myself that much for the bad decisions I have made? Do I regret that much in my life, that I would live and suffer like this and just to teach myself a lesson? Does that make me a sadist? Or a masochist? Am I torturing myself because of my failures? I have never found less meaning in life or within myself.

I cannot even talk to my mother because I feel that she is angry with me for being in this situation. I feel like I have failed her when she has been there for me and this 'man' thru it all, and he cannot even thank her for what she has done. She has financially supported me as a husband should when he could not or would not. Something not right there...

I only hope that I can be forgiven... maybe I need to forgive myself first I guess.

TGIF!

TGIF everyone! It has been a LONG short week. But that is okay, at least it is over... going to make sure to roast myself in this desert sun... On a mission for a black swimming suit! But is that really smart in Arizona? I don't think I care, I still need to get one... Every woman has a need...

Back for more later, hoping to update the VIEW of this site - I am definitely NOT a black and white personality.... (race maybe)

Chow!

Puppies!

Finally got the PUPPIES that I wanted! Yup, 2 six week old pit bull/golden retriever puppies - little black balls of muscle.. they are soo cute! Am I going with the name Cujo? Probably not, they are so cute, I need a roly poly name for the bigger of the 2. We'll see how it goes... But they are good about pottying outside in the grass..eating and sleeping. Hopefully they will take to kennel training well. So I am in temporary giddy mode due to the new 'babies'. I officially now have a full family. 2 cats and 2 dogs, 1 husband and weekend son - I must say having six kids is never dull!

I must say I am in a much more optimistic mood.. Due to the pups I am sure, I am still angry, but to look at my situation realistically - there is much I need to do to prepare for such a dramatic change. Picking up and leaving is no longer an option - too many committments and I love AZ and my job. With no other outside influences to set a goal upon, it just seems safer to stay where I am at. Even though its a bad situation - I would rather jump as far as possible while still being able to land on my feet. Preparations are in order - the devious plotting and planning in effect, I guess it is only a matter of time. I can only hope it is the right choice and done at the right time.

I can't afford to keep starting over after achieving so much... no matter how little it seems..

The Awakening

Wednesday - hump day - the week is almost over, and I do not look forward to it at all. Another weekend of hell, of screams, of dishes breaking, of me losing my mind. And a 3 year old to watch. Do I dare suggest that he not come stay with us this weekend? Well, I would be insulting the almighty ruler of my personal hell...whatever he can think up to be an asshole. But maybe I will get a puppy out of this that I can train to eat him.

I think my new dog will be named Cujo. Cute, huh?

I have spent the past 4 days in tears and sleepless nights because whatever I say upsets him. Talking to my mother upsets him. Trying to better our lives upsets him. Voicing my opinion upsets him.. is it the lack of drugs in his system? Is that even an excuse? Should it be necessary for him to be high to treat me with respect? And payday isn't until Friday - I hate drugs, and I hate men that tell me they need them to eat, to sleep, to not want to rip my throat out of my neck.

I want out.. I can't sneak any of my money out of the bank because he is paying too much attention. I can't tell him he's wrong and cruel because it will keep me up until 3am. I can't breathe or even see my reflection anymore. I have become a shadow of who I once was. Am I bitching and moaning? YES and I don't even care. I knew a year ago I should have left. To where, I didn't know and I thought I would be a failure because I didn't give my marriage a chance. Well here I am now, failing to have a backbone.

I guess these things take time to resolve - that bastard put his hands on me again!!! And then had the nerve to cry about it. And I KNOW he is hoping I will let it slide this time. Well he's got another war coming.... and I hope it rips his heart out of his chest for me to eat right in front of him.

I hope everyone out there remembers, male or female, we all have a set of balls hiding somewhere.

Cheers!

Gardening

Today was my first adventure in gardening.. talk about hard work! Maybe that had a lot to do with the fact that it is over 100 degrees outside. But I found it to be quite stress relieving. Yanking weeds, raking rocks and chopping the necks off of dead miniature roses was most pleasurable. Maybe I have found another outlet to vent on, the jungle I call a back yard. It works for now...

As for everything else in my life? Well it still pretty much sucks, but reflections are no good - just make me feel bad.. pondering the future is even worse. I find an overwhelming sense of guilt that exists when it comes to making life changing decisions. I don't have the balls to make those kinds of decisions anymore. Is it really worth it? Am I even learning from the mistakes that I have made? Not really.. it seems I keep making the same wrong decisions. What am I supposed to be learing here? OOPS is a good start. If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would definitely not be married - and hopefully a more focused individual making better choices.. But for now I will just play catch up on the mistakes I have made. I seem to be surrounded by negative energy maybe that's why I don't laugh a lot anymore. My husband says that when I talk to my 'old' friends I seem like a different person. I told him that's because I am happy with them and those days that we shared. Maybe he just doesn't quite get it yet. Probably why he doesn't have any friends either. Makes sense to me! Someday my soul will be free again.. that's all I can hope for. The day I said I do, I gave up every dream I ever had for myself. YES, I am selfish - at least I felt better about myself then....

And what if I made a drastic decision to change my life? Would it be worth it? Would it be rewarding? Or would I be alone again, drunk on my couch remembering everything I already gave up?

Are the things we desire the most worth risking everything?