Vanity & Sin

Fear

I have been pondering myself and my actions for the past few days, and I have come to a few realizations. I have first and foremost, some very strong fears. Mainly, I have a fear of failure. Now, as I analyze this fear and reflect on choices I have made while feeling this way... maybe this is how I ended up in the situation I am in today.

I believe that every choice we make in life effects us in some significant way. From lovers, to fights, to alcoholism. Nothing is truly fate or destiny, it's a choice that we make. I have made many choices that I believe I was never truly honest with myself when I made those choices. I feel that I confuse myself in ideas and hopes - and occasional dreams. I hope and try to believe in something rather than just be honest with myself and then I end up in a worse nightmare than I expected. At what point in decision making are we supposed to be thinking clearly? Is it possible to continuously make the wrong choices to try and teach us a lesson? Maybe I am missing something here... And this is a little too possible!

Once upon a time, all I wanted in life was to find my 'self' and happiness..I have never experienced a more extroardinary and horrific time in my life. I have gone from freedom to a personal prison of a lifestyle, where daydreaming is my only friend. Dreaming of a life that no longer exists, of a life that I carry as a crutch to get me through the day. I do not think that is a healthy state of mind. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to my husband.

I have hit a rude awakening, mostly into myself. It is an extremely horrible feeling. I have never felt more negative emotions in my life! I have never felt such spite, anger, frustration and disappointment in myself and towards another person like the way I do now. It actually makes me feel guilty to look at my husband and feel the way I do. How could I let it get this way? How could I feel like this towards another human being, my own husband, the man I was supposed to be with forever? Could it be from the events that have occurred since we got married? Did I expect something more from marriage and not find it in this man? I am going to break his heart, in a way I already have, and its only the beginning. I don't mean to, but at what point do we have to look at what is best for everyone involved. He is married to a woman who despises him and he cannot see that. I love him, but not in the way that a wife should love her husband. It pains me to feel that way knowing that the end will come and he may never understand why.

Maybe this is why I stayed with him in the first place, because I felt bad and I felt sorry for him. And here we are again, struggling for something that doesn't exist. He adores me, and I spit on him.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone - I have a knack for hurting others around me that love me. And at times, I don't even care until it is too late.