Vanity & Sin

Memories

It is amazing how when things get tough or out of sync, that we reflect on the past, the choices we should have made - the dreams we left behind. In my world, the pieces are merely beginning to crumble. When you awake to the reality that you support someone financially, emotionally, and all you get in return is another argument - usually over money, that they don't even have! I realized this last night, I am the provider and I want to make the decisions... no more disputes over cable, I am paying for it - so I will decide. Why do I need to be told how to spend the money? Sure I am married, but when he hasn't provided half the income, or worked for more than 3 months somewhere at a time... I do think I am entitled to some say so.

And overall, this relationship is just dying. Last night, we argued (no thanks to my $$ realization) and he asked me what I wanted to do? I told him that I don't know yet, because I can't even afford to divorce him, he can't afford to divorce me! He's been telling me for months that he would take care of his child support (they are basing it on a much larger income), that he would get another job or at least a second job...I don't see a positive side to any of this and I don't even care to anymore. It's hard to see the end coming and not be able to do anything about it, yet.

Marriage is supposed to be a growing union - not a soul sucking nightmare.. and I don't believe in it anymore...I don't believe in us. I guess he has just disappointed me too many times to believe in him anymore.

At least pity and regret are no longer my enemy - I don't feel sorry for him, I feel empowered that he is and was nothing without me and that it is time for me to move on. I don't need to be at his level, I am better than that.

Funny, how sometimes you wake up, and things finally start to make sense...