Vanity & Sin

In Memory II

August 22, 2005 at 2:05am, my husband was shot and killed at the Fairfield Inn by Marriott in Scottsdale, Arizona. An attempted robbery gone bad, he was shot twice, instantly killed by either shot - whichever came first. He had no idea anyone else was in the lobby at the time of his death. He was 25, and I am a 23 year old widow.

Through my grief I have reflected on my previous entries, our fiery relationship, and I have no regrets. I spoke to my husband from 9:30pm until 1:30am that Sunday night - because I could not sleep and I wanted him to know how much I loved him. Out of nowhere, he and I made peace that last weekend together..finally reached an understanding of each other and we wanted to work things out. He finally listened to me. And I finally knew in my heart that he understood. My husband left me in peace and finally gave me the freedom emotionally that I had been looking for.

I wish our marriage had been a smoother ride, but I will always know in my heart that deep down we loved each other more than anything. He was the only man who would stand up to me, and the only man that I never held a doubt in my mind that he loved me unconditionally. He will never be forgotten...and I will love him forever.

I guess this blog now will become a new source of an outlet for me to grieve, mourn and move forward with my life and I want any readers present or future to know that I am at peace with myself in my love for him and he has changed my life forever. I will never be the same and I thank my husband for teaching me about emotions. Feel what you feel and never lie to yourself about it. Just be honest and roll with the punches, we are survivors. We put ourselves through hell trying to figure things out in our heads rather than our hearts and he gave me that peace I had been looking for before he left this world.

My Love Forever, Rest in Peace

In Memory

I found out from a friend back home that a kid we went to school with was killed in Iraq. I wasn't close to him, any closer than a classmate and casual conversation, but it has touched me and I feel deeply for his family. He and my brother both made the choice to protect this country, even if we don't know the reason why.

He knew my brother, and I know my brother looked up to him in ROTC way back when, and I can't even find the words to break the news to him...I don't even want to say anything, because I don't want to scare him..

RIP David...

The Future

It's awful never knowing what the future will bring. Even though it is a fact of life, I still want to know. So I can only hope for the best...

My brother is supposed to be deployed for Iraq in January...No thanks to our government feeling it necessary to put its foot into every country on this planet.. but that is what he has committed to and I can only pray for the best.

'The Warden' is a sad puppy when it comes to not being with me, and now he wants to do counseling. Should I? I told him I don't even care enough to do it, but I am thinking I should so that when D-Day comes, I am better prepared in court to say we 'tried'. I don't want to prolong this though...so should I pack up and leave now? He doesn't see that I am not trying to save our marriage and that I want out...I need him to consent, so that is my newest project. It's too bad that he loves me so.. Hate sounding cruel and unfeeling, but I don't feel anything anymore.. The love we had is dead - the love I had for him, is dead... I don't look forward to a lifetime with someone I don't love anymore..so we shall see what happens.

I wish this wasn't so complicated! But when has my life ever been simple?

Bless Me

I love the male species and I don't care what anyone has to say about it. Minus 'The Warden' of course. I believe I thrive off of the attentions of the opposite sex, and what man out there can hold me down anyway? Does he exist? Would he step up if he did? Do I even want to be held anymore?

These are the thoughts that plague me. Do I confront my fears or just move on in my peaceful playland? I have distorted my emotions for so long, I don't even know what I am really feeling anymore.

I know I won't acknowledge my feelings (if and when I have any)... Being vague has messed me up for good! It's almost as if I can't feel anymore....

Hmmm... something to ponder...

Something Is Off...

As a step-mom, I play a 'weekend' mom to 'The Warden's' 3 year old son. I love him, he drives me nuts at times, and we have hit a brick wall. Aside from potty training and all those fun times, I realized we have a severe problem. What once started as cute is now scary. And I am the only one who gives a damn.

'Boogie' likes pink. To a point where he has chosen to argue with me over what color shoes I pick out at Payless. He wants only the girl character's from comic flicks, Star Wars and now BARBIE. He literally bawled his eyes out because I would not buy him the girl toy at McDonald's. Can you believe it? Something is seriously WRONG here!! I have said something to 'The Warden' and he treats it like a joke as does his mother (who I shall refer to as 'The Flake'), giving me the "he's just a baby" crap. No way. Not when he's in the bathtub pretending to put on his makeup!

Since I have met 'The Warden', 'The Flake' and 'Boogie' - I have been patient and slowly adapting awkwardly to this situation. I am not a natural born mother - nor am I looking forward to it anytime soon. At least not any more. This man will NOT be the father of my children.. I can admit that. But when I, of ALL PEOPLE, am the only one concerned with the welfare of this child, that really bothers me! Why do I have to be the Mom, the Step-mom, and the freaking Father??? Isn't his job to do boy stuff? When does Dad step in to try and fix this? 'The Warden' just says for me to take him out and teach him to ride a bike, go play in the dirt, shoot guns..so that he won't become a faggot.

Last time I checked, I am a girl. A bit of a tomboy - but a girl, and 'Boogie' knows that and sees me in that light. I hold no Male Father Figure qualities that he should be getting.

And as a side note, I am in this soley based on marriage, and the original plan was for me and 'The Warden' to do this TOGETHER! I feel like he is asking me to raise his son too and keep him out of the headache of being a father! Frankly, I think that if he doesn't want to show any effort, I might as well get out while I can. This isn't a one way street and, OH? I think HE is the one that told me that.

So in my rebuttal to being told what I need to do to resolve the 'girly' tendencies... I told 'The Warden' that if he is so concerned about his son being gay, that he can feel free to divorce me and go be with 'The Flake' so that he can make sure his son grows up to be a MAN. Because she'll do whatever he says and I sure as hell WON'T.

He didn't like that too much.. but he didn't get mad this time..just played doe eyed dick. Maybe it wasn't that bad of an idea. Subliminal messages I heard, work like a charm. I wish he'd tell me he wanted to get back with her. He didn't slap her around. And I would have the papers ready to be signed, notarized and paid for. I couldn't get out of this quick enough.

To all the Baby's Daddy's out there: No matter how much you may feel you are pushed away by your baby's momma.. please do not give up hope on your abilities to be a father. Because no matter what, that child will always know how much you tried to be there. It's tough, but you're either IN or your OUT.

This Is Me

I thought maybe I would do some self analyzing this evening, as I am pondering a few things about myself. For starters, I am a selfish person. I want what I want when I want it and I will get it. I love people in general, varying from the lovely to those suffering. I have a need to heal others. But that need is slowly passing. I have taken to many beatings trying to help those who can't help themselves and ended up married in the process. But that shall be removed from my life soon.

I don't see myself as the type of woman who should be married. I have wandering eyes, emotions and ideas. I have settled down a little bit, but I am more a less a flake when it comes to committment - obviously. A guy pal of mine made sure to point out that I am a huge flirt, and I responded with, "Some people just weren't meant to be married." That is my mindset. Not of babies, not of a family - just ME. I am more concerned about shoes than I am of taking my husband's son to the park. I have separated myself from my own reality, and it happened a long time ago. I stopped caring a long time ago. I flat out hate my present life. It was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made in my LIFE.

So rather than look back (and I am GOOD at not looking back), I just push forward, tearing through someone else's heart and soul, not thinking twice about what I am doing to myself. I refuse to attach to anyone, even my own husband. I don't see the point, and I don't believe in 'being in love' either. I don't think it exists, and anyone who says it does is a fool with a lot of ex's.

I loved once, with my whole being. Not my current 'Warden' ever. I haven't even figured out what the hell I am doing with him anyway. It was hell from the beginning. But anyway - I think my heart was literally ripped from my chest and shoved back down my throat. So I went as far as I could. From that point I have wandered near and far from caring arms, luring and leaving behind possibities that I most likely won't return to. I can't hurt the ones that truly care anymore. It hurts. What I wouldn't mind doing is choking the one who hurt me most. Maybe at that point I was that B.S. they call 'being in love' but I doubt it. We just worked for a time, and I have never known an inner peace like that since. We stopped believing in each other - or at least what we could've been. He stopped believing me - and has questioned me, my actions, and how I felt about him. And that's what hurts the most.

And from that point, I just didn't care anymore. Why? Men just let you down, don't speak up and break your heart. So that leads to why I married 'The Warden'. The first and ONLY man (asshole) in my life that has ever stood up and gotten in my face. Now that has led to the downfall of our marriage because he has a knack for getting a little 'too' into my face. Nothing bad, but enough for me to want to die. So I screwed up again. Went for the only guy to speak up for himself and not let me run his life and it has whooped my ass. MISTAKE again!!! So obviously that didn't work either.

So what do I do? Go for the next fluke to cross my path and entertain me? How long will that last? Do I return 'HOME' - the place I left crying? I doubt it. I don't believe there is anything there for me anymore. It's a safe place, don't get me wrong.. but there is too much shit there too, that I don't think I want to deal with.

Maybe I will just roam the wild west and mutilate the souls who try to tame me. I am so tired of trying to believe in things that don't exist. I am so tired of feeling and giving a damn. It isn't worth it, or at least I haven't discovered why it would be. My track record sucks.

Maybe I should return 'HOME' and stand on a few doorsteps... I have some words for a lot of people.

Thank God for Friday's..

TGIF! Made it through the roughest week thus far, and boy do I love my Friday's. It's my one day a week where I can relax, clean my desk and 'bond' with my temps. They come in to get paid and I am up front and waiting for my 'Boys'. I have a fabulous group of men working for me in a warehouse that have help secure my superior's opinion's of my abilities to place people. They no longer even have to interview for the positions! Now in my business, that is great. I just have a knack for knowing who I want and where I want them working the moment I see them. Men are a bit easier because, well, I am a woman with large enough eyes to get a good eye-full of yummy. And that is what my client likes! Sad, huh? That physique can guarantee you a good job these days. But then again, my tits and long legs may have assisted in my own position.

My boss said that he loves the way I am with people. Well, if a little flirting gets them to go to work every day, so be it! It's been working so far.

And I have a newbie coming in, starting next Friday for his paychecks. I am excited, because dammit - he's HOT! ALL of us in the office were just stunned. The day I met him I asked him, 'You want a job?' He was working the following week and my client LOVES HIM. Pat on the back for ME.

Thank you Friday, for giving me something to look forward to.

13 Days and Counting...

Until I get to see my mom! I am excited, but I am really anticipating the events surrounding my visit. So much is going to change in my life and quickly pending this visit and my performance review at work. September 1st they are going to determine if I can handle my job or not. Considering the fact that I have never working in staffing nor human resources, I would say that I am handling my job well.

So I am keeping my chin up and praying for a smooth landing. I find myself at times chanting the reasoning behind my 'to be announced' choices. And I am attempting to conquer the feeling of being alone, even when I am married to 'The Warden' and truly wish not to be. It's as though I need to remind myself why I am going to leave him to keep me from falling back into the slump I have been in since the last time I left him.

Why wait? Because I am scared, I am nervous, and I really need the support of my mom. I know I have my dad's, but my mother is tougher to deal with. She wants a picture perfect life for me, even if it doesn't exist with my current husband. She wants grandbabies, and happiness for me, but I need her to understand how I feel and that those things do not exist for me. Or at least let her know. And she can go from there. My whole world is about to collapse, and I fear the time afterward. What is going to happen next? I have so many questions that are not ready to be answered yet.

There is so much that I want to know, but I fear that if I push now - I will run in the wrong direction again if I hear something I am not fully prepared for. Or something that I want to hear, and don't.

Will I make the right choice next time?

Mmmmm Chocolate!

I have eaten exactly 16 pieces of mini-chocolate candies.. I feel GREAT!

This fall I am going to start a 'Sinful Recipes' section for the holiday season, as it is my favorite time of year, full of my faves and classics, since my newly domesticated ass is already plotting and planning holiday treats...stuff like 'Pumpkin Muffins', 'Monkey Bread' and HOMEMADE 'Peanut Butter Cup Pie' (ohmigoshisitGOOD). I am so stoked, gonna try the new bendy baking crap "As Seen on TV" advertises, might work!

I love to eat, so I figured I'd share some of my tummy's favorites with everyone else. I am hoping to add pics as well of my wonderful creations, but that is gonna depend on time, and my flakiness keeping up with learning the basics of this blog..

Feeling Bratty

I'm moody. My Tonka Toy of a car is out of commission, it's old and decided to fall apart right when I wanted to sell it! So I am racing the clock to fix it, sell it and get a newer vehicle. I think I have a pet peeve about sharing transportation.. it makes me absolutely LOONY.

Maybe I have a possessive streak??? I just like MY stuff to be functional... I get pissy when it gets all messed up. Can't help it, and I don't like to share unless I want to.

Chocolate....need chocolate....

I feel like I've had 3 Monday's in a row! Hopefully I will calm down here soon...

On the Lighter Side of things...

To any parent, any parent to be, or potty trainers in the near futures...you may be able to relate to this one.

In a team effort to train our 3 year old BOY to use the 'potty' - we (we being, the baby's momma, grandparents, baby's momma boyfriend, daycare, and ME) have made countless efforts to get him to #2 in the toilet. It has been a living nightmare. He seems to be a bit shy sometimes about #2. He always has been (quiet, sitting in a corner, shitting.) And yesterday I almost lost it when I smelled #2, went to check and got a fingernail full of chocolate YUCK. I didn't scold him, but when 'Mommy Bea' goes, WTF?!, and he starts crying - its a tough job to discipline a child who has been doing this even with rewards or minus-rewards and privileges. So with #2 up the BACK (since we are in Big Boy #2 now) and me cleaning up, 'The Warden' trying not to throw up (he has never cleaned a single diaper)... poor 'Boogie' is looking at me with doe eyes and I give him a good talking to. Seems more like a negotiation at times, but I told him he's a big boy now and it's super-nasty to keep crapping in his pants, I don't like cleaning it all the time. We need to be a big boy so we can do big boy stuff. So 'Boogie' promises me to go #2 in the potty...we cuddle and watch cartoons. I am far from a believer at this point...

Until 8am this morning - 'Boogie' comes a running, hollering, MOMMY BEA, I WENT POO POO IN THE POTTY!! And he even saved it for me to check before flushing...how sweet! I almost teared up with joy. It's the little things in life I tell ya.

And for any parents with little boys - Fruit Loops work GREAT for #1 training, good luck and patience for #2.

On the Dark Side of things...

I am nervous.. flat out nervous. I don't know if I need a sedative (Valium would be PERFECT) or just a miracle. Things seem so strange to me all of a sudden. It's as if I exist on a different planet, and I am not sure of how I got here. Sure, my life is a mess..but I almost feel as if I am losing my grip on things. I am up in the middle of the night cleaning, here blogging (Warden's at work) and just sort of pacing the house, not sure of what to do. Nothing dramatic has happened, I just feel so restless. It's as if I know the climax to a movie, but the fast forward button is broken and I can't get past it. It's driving me nuts.

And I am feeling a wee bit guilty... And I don't know why, I know I shouldn't. I think it has a lot to do with 'our' son here this weekend. I can't help but love children, and I treat his son as my own - and I should. I am his stepmother. But dammit, why does that kid love me so much? It is breaking my heart just a little every moment he wants to sit in my lap and hold onto me and I cannot help but hurt knowing the what I want. Am I being selfish? Is this wrong to do this to a child? I don't think so.. but I cannot compensate for what a father cannot provide his child - love, affection and everything "The Warden" doesn't. I don't think I am actually supposed to. I am a bit confused when it comes to family unity and development, because it does not really exist here in my home. It is ME whom he wants to bond with his son, ME whom 'The Warden' wants to partake in every waking moment of his childs life.

And then if we argue, he blames ME for his own son not loving him the way he loves me.

It's because I am a better person, you dick.

I am sorry readers, but I am not entitled to a life yet - he does not see the purpose of 'friends' or what benefit they have in HIS life, so I have a lot I need to get off my chest sometimes..

Bear with me.. or quit reading it.

The Warden

I have come up with a new name for the 'Thing' - he is officially now "The Warden". I find that more fitting to how he treats me or reacts to me asking if I can have a life. My marriage may be going down the drain, but at least I was the one to decide to flush this shit out of my life. =P It's the little things that make me feel good, and those are too few and far between lately.

And the BEST news at the moment is that he finally is going back to his old job, which means free internet time for me at night (since I will be alone at last 3-4 nights a week. I have never been more excited. More money in our pocket, I get to get a newer vehicle that RUNS and finally feel a bit more confident about bills getting paid. I have cracked the whip, took 'The Warden' a good 4 months to figure it out - but so far so good.. My path for freedom has begun!

PMS

No one likes a woman PMSing. It's not a safe environment to be in, and I am willing to admit that. Due to my increased hormone (estrogen) level that was discovered in early 2002 - I at least have a legitimate excuse as to why I have a tendency to be a bitch. But why would a man choose to mess with a woman when she is PMSing?! WTF? So I am going to need another new outlet (which he is pissy about this too).. I feel like a starved pit bull locked in a kennel with duct tape around my mouth and a steak in front of me...

I am signing up for Kickboxing classes. Let him piss me off now!

Temporary Status

Soooo... a little bit about ME. What I do for a living is deal with people - 8 hours + a day, I am here to service you. I am a Staffing Coordinator for a staffing agency (how I ended up here was pure Bea Luck/Personality). I started out as a file clerk, but my bosses loved how people loved me. Anyone that knows me, knows I can talk to just about anyone about anything - I can be pretty bubbly when I want to, and judge a persons character within a good 60 seconds of meeting them. That really helps make my job easier.. I call 'em like I see them..

It's a pretty stressful job at times, due to #'s, and keeping these fools at WORK. But thanks to my playing - cuteness, and social ability to please, the majority of them keep coming to work and pick up their checks.

But some of them are absolute MORONS! Oh my goodness... it's insane. I am hoping with this experience to move into a more HR role where numbers are no longer a factor, but client/business relationships are the most important. Plus, HR pays better. I am praying for that biggie raise here soon (September is the deadline) - but I just have to wait and see. Sometimes I feel they like me cuz of my perky boobs and confident "I own you" nature. If it pays me more though, the more $ the merrier! It's my ticket outta here! I will take what I can get so I can take it with me... far far away.

And now I have a nifty job fair to prepare for..FUN FUN FUN!!!

Better Days Ahead...

I am going to see my momma on her birthday! YEA! I am so stoked and giddy with excitement.. a weekend away from the 'Thing' attached to my hip, away from the drama I call my-so-called-marriage. Away from a life that I no longer want to be a part of...

I have already started my 'Pack-List' of what I am going to wear while I am out there... I am having a crisis on shoes though... But that is a daily fact of life for me! (I currently own at least 60 pair of shoes - and that is what is unpacked.)

The 'Thing'is already having a heart attack, saying that I am not going to come back, blah, blah, blah. You would think that he would be more supportive and LESS insecure about me seeing my mother, but NOPE. And that's okay, because if for some freaky reason I win the lotto - I won't come back and hightail it for the midwest...

And more good news!

My Grandmother owns a Ben Franklin store in Iowa - a little midwestern town that is still hosting 'Pancake Days' and teens drive around the town square on Friday nights... well my Mom is going to be inheriting it, buying a house out there as we speak and my family is taking over the store! Which is awesome news, since my evil Aunt Claudia wanted it to SELL SELL SELL. So we have yet to break the bad news to her, but it will be a wonderful day when she faces that reality. No more trying to rob my grandma, the store is BOOMING for the first time in years (thanks to my baby bro Lukey)and hopefully someday if time and luck allow it, maybe it can be mine... Or mine and Lucas's. He is such a good little worker and I am too unraveled to take on anything committal yet... trying to break loose as it is! But it is exciting, and I really happy for my mom... she is finally getting what she always wanted, and its been a long tough road for her to get there. Mom, you ROCK!

Indecision

With new found confidence and hope, I find myself silently panicking. What will my future bring? Am I making the right choice for my future? I know that I am, but where will my path lead me once I am free again? Where will I go, where will my heart lead me? Hopefully I have grown enough from this experience to not hurt others again, but that is a fairy tale dream that I cannot hold onto anymore. People hurt, get hurt and that's just a fact of life... but I don't want to be that person anymore. Where am I going to be in a year's time? That is the question of the day... Where do I want to be in a year?

My only response so far is that I want to be free... Talk about an open ended statement there!

Happy August!

I can't believe it's freaking August! That means birthdays, christmas, and shopping for FALL. I love it! My favorite season is coming and quick...

As for new events in my life, I had a pretty decent weekend - no fighting, got to spend money I shouldn't have and I talked to my MOM. Yes, I am a "Mommy's Girl" and just recently realized a "Daddy's Girl" too... But I am planning a long weekend with my Mommy in San Francisco here in 2 weeks and have never been more stoked. As always she is supportive and wants the wonderful world of daisies and sunshine for me... too bad the harsh reality is that I have already made up my mind. I would rather be alone than even risk my future with someone who wouldn't know respect and decency if it slapped him in the face... I also look forward to sharing this news with her. I guess I have always been pretty decisive and she really wants me to think things through, but do I need to feel another bruise on my skin, or in my heart to realize this is not normal? And knowing my own mother's past, I don't see how she could disagree with me. And I really don't care if she does.

I guess I love with all my heart, and despise with all my heart too. It's one or the other with me, there isn't any in between... has there ever been?