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August 12, 2005
This Is Me
I thought maybe I would do some self analyzing this evening, as I am pondering a few things about myself. For starters, I am a selfish person. I want what I want when I want it and I will get it. I love people in general, varying from the lovely to those suffering. I have a need to heal others. But that need is slowly passing. I have taken to many beatings trying to help those who can't help themselves and ended up married in the process. But that shall be removed from my life soon.
I don't see myself as the type of woman who should be married. I have wandering eyes, emotions and ideas. I have settled down a little bit, but I am more a less a flake when it comes to committment - obviously. A guy pal of mine made sure to point out that I am a huge flirt, and I responded with, "Some people just weren't meant to be married." That is my mindset. Not of babies, not of a family - just ME. I am more concerned about shoes than I am of taking my husband's son to the park. I have separated myself from my own reality, and it happened a long time ago. I stopped caring a long time ago. I flat out hate my present life. It was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made in my LIFE.
So rather than look back (and I am GOOD at not looking back), I just push forward, tearing through someone else's heart and soul, not thinking twice about what I am doing to myself. I refuse to attach to anyone, even my own husband. I don't see the point, and I don't believe in 'being in love' either. I don't think it exists, and anyone who says it does is a fool with a lot of ex's.
I loved once, with my whole being. Not my current 'Warden' ever. I haven't even figured out what the hell I am doing with him anyway. It was hell from the beginning. But anyway - I think my heart was literally ripped from my chest and shoved back down my throat. So I went as far as I could. From that point I have wandered near and far from caring arms, luring and leaving behind possibities that I most likely won't return to. I can't hurt the ones that truly care anymore. It hurts. What I wouldn't mind doing is choking the one who hurt me most. Maybe at that point I was that B.S. they call 'being in love' but I doubt it. We just worked for a time, and I have never known an inner peace like that since. We stopped believing in each other - or at least what we could've been. He stopped believing me - and has questioned me, my actions, and how I felt about him. And that's what hurts the most.
And from that point, I just didn't care anymore. Why? Men just let you down, don't speak up and break your heart. So that leads to why I married 'The Warden'. The first and ONLY man (asshole) in my life that has ever stood up and gotten in my face. Now that has led to the downfall of our marriage because he has a knack for getting a little 'too' into my face. Nothing bad, but enough for me to want to die. So I screwed up again. Went for the only guy to speak up for himself and not let me run his life and it has whooped my ass. MISTAKE again!!! So obviously that didn't work either.
So what do I do? Go for the next fluke to cross my path and entertain me? How long will that last? Do I return 'HOME' - the place I left crying? I doubt it. I don't believe there is anything there for me anymore. It's a safe place, don't get me wrong.. but there is too much shit there too, that I don't think I want to deal with.
Maybe I will just roam the wild west and mutilate the souls who try to tame me. I am so tired of trying to believe in things that don't exist. I am so tired of feeling and giving a damn. It isn't worth it, or at least I haven't discovered why it would be. My track record sucks.
Maybe I should return 'HOME' and stand on a few doorsteps... I have some words for a lot of people.
Posted by bea at August 12, 2005 9:42 PM