Vanity & Sin

Joy, Oh Joy!

Well it has been a few days, hasn't it? I spent the weekend with my mom and had such a blast! From shopping, to more shopping - and then tattoos! Yes, my mother got a tattoo...and once I figure out how to upload a pic onto this darn thing, I will be able to show the public that yes, my mom got her first tattoo. Why is this amazing? Considering that I have a very conservative father and a heavy metal hippie for a mom - it's about time she did something she wanted to do! We went out to tat ourselves in memory of my husband. No names, or epitaphs...just something to symbolize him...and yes, I got one too. Initially, we were going to get hummingbirds (and I still am) - but I really wanted an angel...and I found one, modified it and tattooed the biggie onto the middle of my back. It's beautiful and freaking sore...My mom got a hummingbird on her ankle with a yellow rose - it's so pretty!

So for all my 'vanity and sins' - I am still a rough around the edges broad who likes to tattoo myself. I am only up to 4, for the time being. We'll see what happens next!

My best buddy Dave is coming into town Thursday, so hopefully we'll behave..as best we can. He's been my Super Trooper for about a decade, and it's gonna be great to see him again. Its been almost 3 years - and I am looking forward to it like a crack addict about to get a paycheck. It's going to be fantabulous to see him, drink coffee, smoke cigs and brainstorm for hours about things that mean nothing and everything at the same time. Or at least do something stupid to laugh about for years to come - we've been working on a coffee 'date' for years! I am sure I will have tales and plenty of thoughts in the near future...

Until we meet again!

Good Grief

Lately I have been asking myself, am I grieving? I go through the daily functions of work, eating, sleeping - even laughing and smiling throughout the day. Is this just a mask I wear, or am I feeling honestly good inside? To be honest, I think it is a bit of both. I bought some books on grieving to help guide me through this, and they have really helped. I am in denial and I am angry. Maybe more.. I may not personally feel that way - but I am realizing that this is just something that is going to take time - a day at a time.

So how does Bea deal with grief? I have focused my energies on eating healthy - sushi, salad, and chicken. No junk, no soda (coffee is my only caffeine)...I haven't eaten fast food since the Friday before Matt was shot. And I have never felt better physically. I sleep better and feel better throughout the day. I have been going out one night a week - to dress up, feel hot, remember that I am not dead, I am still 23 years old, and I've still got it. And then I come home and talk to Matt to tell him how much fun I've had. The hardest part since all of this has happened is just plain functioning.. I don't want to end up one of those old crazy widows with 37 cats all named Matt. Blinds shut and mumbling to myself - pattering around the house like a loony toon. I am think I am hanging in there so far.

Events like this in your life really make you take a step back and really look at who you are - inside and out. I have a lot to face, but it's worth it to me. And that's all that really matters.

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

- This song never meant more to me than it did the day I played it at my husband's service... and I still feel this way today. It just won't go away...love just doesn't go away, and neither does pain. It was his favorite song and mine too. Just one more thing that binds us forever..one song

Functioning Well

Okay - the auction sucked. It was far from what it was hyped up to be. I should have guessed. But I tried to be social. Came home and slept great. I have to work tomorrow for a good 6 hours, but that's okay. Overtime works for me.

As a whole, I feel better. I think a lot about things, and where I am headed. I really cannot predict the future, but at least I know what I want and expect from myself. I guess that's a start. And that is all I can ask for. I may be diving into a life forgotten, but after so long being stuck at home...I hate being here now. Sitting here alone drives me batty. I will grow out of it in time. I just hate all the adjusting, and I can only hope to make the right decisions - but I can only take it one day at a time. It's hard not to know what to do with yourself at times.

I was able to listen to the music I put together for the wake for the first time - and I didn't cry. I slept really well and it was just beautiful to dream again.

Another Day In The Life...

I felt great last night..and most of today. I went to meet with an attorney, and the office was down the street from our old condo. We lived in that condo before this blog, when Matt and I were really happy. We did really well there, and I wish we never left. But that is just me being selfish.

Making plans daily to do stuff to keep me busy, and it helps. It feels nice to feel humanish again. Day by day, night by night. I feel a bit better having spoken to an attorney - nothing for sure yet, but hopefully I will get some good news here in the future. You learn a lot about life, and legal matters quick in situations like this. I can only take my future one day at a time.

So for starters, there is an auction in Scottsdale tomorrow night for the American Stroke Association, and a co-worker of mine is in it. Plus, there will be 29 bachelors on auction. Soooo..along with being supportive, my gal pal and I can at least get some eye candy. I am trying to stay positive! Can't wait to see how this goes...

Aftermath

It has been a rough few days! I have escapaded into the arms of society - Long Island in hand, cigarette in the other..I missed that freedom and that power - that energy. And then as I returned home Saturday night, I felt like crap. Too soon? No..I love the social life, but I hate being ALONE. My therapy has been all about my Vanity & Sin, I bought almost $200 in clothing I don't really need and enjoyed it. But then my daddy has a habit of giving me clothing money when he know's I am sad. It helped, until I got home from the store.

I am realizing more and more every day that in death, it's not just about the dead. This has effected my life in such a dramatic way, I am even afraid to face myself. I don't want to be nice, and I don't want to feel. I am angry. And at times I feel really selfish. And most of the time I don't care.

And then I get home, and I fall to pieces. Every morning, I feel like I have to put myself back together piece by piece before I leave the house. Every morning, I feel drained and empty inside...and then I get home....

I never thought I would ever feel so lost emotionally, physically and mentally. I know, yeah yeah - I am grieving..but this is hard for me. I am realizing that it has a lot to do with control. I didn't have control over this. Matt was taken from me, I wasn't allowed to chose. And I am struggling with that the most. You start to realize what it is you've really depended on once that person is gone. I always counted on him to want attention and to hold me - or me to hold him. You think of the stupid things that never mattered before, or even pissed you off then, and they are held sacred - because you'll never have them again. This sucks!

I believe that someday, I will be okay - I have to. I even cry at night sometimes because I know I will survive - and Matt didn't. Grief comes in so many faces. I have the wonderful support of family and friends - but my house is still empty. I have been going through cleaning frenzies to stay busy. I cuddle with pillows because I hate not having him to hold onto in my sleep. I don't have anybody.

I have so many options and choices ahead of me.. who do I want to be this time around? Who am I really, and did I ever know? I can go back to having men cater to me and then I kick them aside...but when I got married, I left that life behind..yet it's so tempting. Phoenix has become my stomping ground over the past 4 years, and I like that control. But will that heal me inside? There is so much that I want to tell people that I have known, to help heal myself, but at times I don't even think it is worth it anymore. I have faced many battles in my life - now all that is left, is for me to face myself. And I have never been more scared of anything in the world. I am a tough cookie to crack. And unfortunately, I know it. I try to take it day by day... but I cannot even be vague anymore. What is the point?

I don't think anything could have prepared me for this - and I know I will never be the same person ever again. Love, Life and Death with get you every time.

All Alone continued..

I want to elaborate on the apologizing... I find myself doing that when I speak to him or write in my journal. I am mostly apologizing to him that this happened, that I wasn't a better wife, that we didn't have more time, and that I couldn't save him. I know that there is no way that I could have, but when you love someone - you have this incredible desire to protect them and see them succeed. He wanted the same for me, and I feel (not as much anymore) at times that I failed him. But I am working on that.

I just wish we'd been given that chance to move forward together, rather than be at war with one another...but life doesn't give you chances...just reality. What I find hardest to deal with, is that he isn't around to make sure I am behaving. I had become so accustomed to the numerous phone calls at work to check up on me, make sure I made it okay - when am I coming home, did you eat?..how many guys google-eyed you today? I didn't realize (even though it pissed me off royally) how much those calls were a part of my day to day life, and I actually miss them.

All Alone

Last night was my first night alone in 3 weeks - since Matt's (The Warden) murder. The onset of so many emotions was quite exhilarating and nauseating at the same time. I spent my Friday night talking to him, yelling at my dogs who like to bark for no reason at midnight, and crying - and for some odd reason, apologizing.

They say that grief comes in stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What stage am I in? I haven't really been angry yet. Maybe I am still in denial? I know that he is gone forever.. but what does denial truly mean? What does any of it mean? Maybe I am in a mix of the first 3. I just focus on trying to function... make sure things are in order, the lawn gets mowed and taking the car to get an oil change. I just don't know where I am at inside. I feel so 'blank' most of the time.

Work yesterday was insane, but it really helps a lot. I didn't get down until my dad was getting ready to leave for Tucson with my brother to get stuff out of storage. I got mellow and fast - ran home to wander through the house and go to bed.

And then there are his personal possessions still sealed in the evidence bags, stained with blood. No, I cannot open them, I have stopped holding them and crying. They are just in a drawer waiting for me to face them. I am trying - I am really trying to be strong. But is that only making me weaker? I won't know for a long time. I will get around to those when I am ready - I want to clean his wedding ring, but it is just so sad to look at.

So what's on the agenda for today? Out to the grave - it's been 6 days. And then I am going shopping - for mason jars (for the dead flowers), new sheets/bed set, and maybe I'll hit the bookstore. And my lovely sister-in-law has given me numerous crafty ideas - so I am on a mission to the nearest craft store also. I am looking forward to it!

Freaky Friday

I love my job. But the creepiest of creeps are coming out of the woodwork today! Stinky, smelly, icky men and toothless hookers are coming into the office in droves. I love telling them to go away, bathe and use deodarant, but yikes! This is the first mass of wierdo's in at least a month. Wasn't really prepared for it - what a way to be welcomed back to work after being off 2 weeks. More later once I disinfect my office....

Funny, Life is...

I was just re-reading some previous entries... I really was a lost girl. I was scared to be alone, and angry at my husband (he had pushed me around a bit when I started this blog) - I have a tendency to be a decisive, ballsy, bitch. I obviously didn't have the balls to DO anything - and then he is killed - and now I just don't know WTF. We collided - two powerful people trying to maintain control. I still loved him. And it was NEVER boring.

I am a destructive broad and loud about it. And then I just rebuild and move on. I am kind of going through that now.. rebuilding, but rather than my life...I am rebuilding my 'self' and it really kinda sucks that it took something like this to make me face my self and my reality of who I am.

I didn't go running to anybody on my good days with my husband...which surprisingly were more often than I let on. Now look at me... Yes, folks - I have a tendency to be a mook. (Mook = idiot)

Work To Do

Feeling okay today - almost as if I have a grip on things... and BOY do I have a lot to do! Nothing about death is easy or easily resolved. If I could resolve all this and move on NOW, I would be one happy woman - but no. There are all the little things...

For example, my husband was killed at work - workman's comp. The company has decided to get really really quiet all of a sudden too. Hmmm... I can only be vague about details at this point, but I have aquired an attorney - and someone's balls are going to be crushed, if I have my way.

There is no price on someone's life - but hello! I have bills, I have lost a source of income - It would be different if it was a divorce or a breakup with a live-in boyfriend... but no, he was murdered at their place of employment. What the hell are they going to do for me? True, I am a pretty independent and self sufficient woman - but shouldn't they offer something? I know I can survive, because I always do - but I feel like I have been robbed. They sure as hell can't bring him back. No amount of money can...but I feel like I want to choke that company. He was murdered, at work, in Scottsdale, Arizona. People just don't GET murdered there..it's not that type of town. It's elite, uppity, and rich. Him being shot was the last thing on our minds when he decided to work there. It just doesn't happen, and it did. I am at an advantage, because the cops have pressure to maintain an image there - and they are actually doing their job, so that is somewhat comforting. But this Corporation is being a bit too vague - and I truly hope they are thinking I will just mosey along without saying anything. Being selfish IS key now, someone chose to shoot him twice - I am choosing to NOT take it in the ass. I may be young, but I am far from stupid.

I would say that is pretty damn simple. Grief is tough, but being pissed off helps a lot.

Day to Day

I am taking things as I can, each day another step into a future I was unprepared for. Are we ever prepared for death? I am doing my best to not blame myself, regret or wish for things I cannot change. It's a constant obstacle to overcome. I feel inhuman at times as I wander aimlessly throughout the house my husband and I once shared.

As a widow - it's different than being single. You weren't given the choice to be alone. At times, I hate that the most. I don't want the same things I wanted prior to meeting my husband anymore. I want the things that we once wanted - a home, a family, a life of our own - and my faith in love is failing me. I know I am so young, and there is so much more in life for me...but my eagerness to live and face life with squared shoulders makes me feel ill inside. People say time heals all wounds, which may be true, but it never erases the scars left behind.

Through all my ranting and ravings about 'The Warden', I find it funny that each day since his death, I recall so many of our good times, even while starting this blog. I guess by nature, we focus on the bad - because it holds so much more meaning in our natural human ability to be pessimistic. I will never forget that Sunday night, thinking how handsome he looked and how I couldn't kiss him enough - remembering his face as he backed out of the garage. We wanted to start planning for a cruise on our 2 year anniversary Valentine's Day, 2006. He was going to get info that Monday for different cruise lines... instead he lay dead in a hotel lobby. And I now lay alone at night wishing I could feel him or hear him coming in the door.

At first, I thought I had failed somehow. Failed to protect him, to take care of him, to save our love. Now I just feel defeated, as though everything I wanted in our marriage was a dream - and I finally awoke that Sunday night to realize how bad I really wanted my husband and our future to work. And then it all faded away, in the blink of an eye - I was burying the man I was finally ready to stop fighting. I don't even know what it was I was fighting for. My knack for desiring independence within a relationship was a tough one with a man who wanted the same. I have to believe he knows how I feel today. That I love him, I always did and that someday I will be okay.

Grief and mourning come with insanely diverse emotions, which in a way seem natural to me. It just that this time, I am no longer angry. For the first time in my life, I am not angry anymore. It is almost like he took that pain I was struggling with every day with him. Trust me, I try to get angry...but it's brief if at all... But then again, that may all change with time. And only time will tell.