Vanity & Sin

Day to Day

I am taking things as I can, each day another step into a future I was unprepared for. Are we ever prepared for death? I am doing my best to not blame myself, regret or wish for things I cannot change. It's a constant obstacle to overcome. I feel inhuman at times as I wander aimlessly throughout the house my husband and I once shared.

As a widow - it's different than being single. You weren't given the choice to be alone. At times, I hate that the most. I don't want the same things I wanted prior to meeting my husband anymore. I want the things that we once wanted - a home, a family, a life of our own - and my faith in love is failing me. I know I am so young, and there is so much more in life for me...but my eagerness to live and face life with squared shoulders makes me feel ill inside. People say time heals all wounds, which may be true, but it never erases the scars left behind.

Through all my ranting and ravings about 'The Warden', I find it funny that each day since his death, I recall so many of our good times, even while starting this blog. I guess by nature, we focus on the bad - because it holds so much more meaning in our natural human ability to be pessimistic. I will never forget that Sunday night, thinking how handsome he looked and how I couldn't kiss him enough - remembering his face as he backed out of the garage. We wanted to start planning for a cruise on our 2 year anniversary Valentine's Day, 2006. He was going to get info that Monday for different cruise lines... instead he lay dead in a hotel lobby. And I now lay alone at night wishing I could feel him or hear him coming in the door.

At first, I thought I had failed somehow. Failed to protect him, to take care of him, to save our love. Now I just feel defeated, as though everything I wanted in our marriage was a dream - and I finally awoke that Sunday night to realize how bad I really wanted my husband and our future to work. And then it all faded away, in the blink of an eye - I was burying the man I was finally ready to stop fighting. I don't even know what it was I was fighting for. My knack for desiring independence within a relationship was a tough one with a man who wanted the same. I have to believe he knows how I feel today. That I love him, I always did and that someday I will be okay.

Grief and mourning come with insanely diverse emotions, which in a way seem natural to me. It just that this time, I am no longer angry. For the first time in my life, I am not angry anymore. It is almost like he took that pain I was struggling with every day with him. Trust me, I try to get angry...but it's brief if at all... But then again, that may all change with time. And only time will tell.