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September 13, 2005

Aftermath

It has been a rough few days! I have escapaded into the arms of society - Long Island in hand, cigarette in the other..I missed that freedom and that power - that energy. And then as I returned home Saturday night, I felt like crap. Too soon? No..I love the social life, but I hate being ALONE. My therapy has been all about my Vanity & Sin, I bought almost $200 in clothing I don't really need and enjoyed it. But then my daddy has a habit of giving me clothing money when he know's I am sad. It helped, until I got home from the store.

I am realizing more and more every day that in death, it's not just about the dead. This has effected my life in such a dramatic way, I am even afraid to face myself. I don't want to be nice, and I don't want to feel. I am angry. And at times I feel really selfish. And most of the time I don't care.

And then I get home, and I fall to pieces. Every morning, I feel like I have to put myself back together piece by piece before I leave the house. Every morning, I feel drained and empty inside...and then I get home....

I never thought I would ever feel so lost emotionally, physically and mentally. I know, yeah yeah - I am grieving..but this is hard for me. I am realizing that it has a lot to do with control. I didn't have control over this. Matt was taken from me, I wasn't allowed to chose. And I am struggling with that the most. You start to realize what it is you've really depended on once that person is gone. I always counted on him to want attention and to hold me - or me to hold him. You think of the stupid things that never mattered before, or even pissed you off then, and they are held sacred - because you'll never have them again. This sucks!

I believe that someday, I will be okay - I have to. I even cry at night sometimes because I know I will survive - and Matt didn't. Grief comes in so many faces. I have the wonderful support of family and friends - but my house is still empty. I have been going through cleaning frenzies to stay busy. I cuddle with pillows because I hate not having him to hold onto in my sleep. I don't have anybody.

I have so many options and choices ahead of me.. who do I want to be this time around? Who am I really, and did I ever know? I can go back to having men cater to me and then I kick them aside...but when I got married, I left that life behind..yet it's so tempting. Phoenix has become my stomping ground over the past 4 years, and I like that control. But will that heal me inside? There is so much that I want to tell people that I have known, to help heal myself, but at times I don't even think it is worth it anymore. I have faced many battles in my life - now all that is left, is for me to face myself. And I have never been more scared of anything in the world. I am a tough cookie to crack. And unfortunately, I know it. I try to take it day by day... but I cannot even be vague anymore. What is the point?

I don't think anything could have prepared me for this - and I know I will never be the same person ever again. Love, Life and Death with get you every time.

Posted by bea at September 13, 2005 6:09 PM