Vanity & Sin

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween! YEA! Okay - not that excited...had a great time at my brother's Halloween party, pics will be up this week I hope! His house was decorated to the max and it looked great...and so did the numerous jello shots that we consumed! It was nice to hang out with the big bro - and get wasted. Yet I sorta drank myself sober, by 2am I was tired and definitely not buzzed. But it was okay - there was no hangover and that made it all better!

Yes folks, in a much better mood today....

Dark

Someone told me this site is dark...and it's true I guess. So I thought I would address it.

Yes, this site is dark - I feel dark inside and this is the part of me that you don't see every day. There is no mask here, no pretending - just me and how I feel. Once I feel better - maybe it won't be as dark. Sometimes things in life just don' t improve overnight. Things take time, wounds heal slowly. And if people can respect that, than I am okay with that. I don't want anyone thinking this will just fade with each passing day. I am having an extremely rough time. I find myself unable to open up - even to those I lean on and trust the most, even to myself.

When a loved one dies - it hurts, it destroys, it weakens. And I have a reputation for being strong, but I am not as strong as people think. This is different. And it isn't going away anytime soon. I am not asking for anyone to understand, just don't tell me that I'll get over it - because I don't even know if and when I will. Death sucks, and I am trying to be optimistic, but sometimes it feels good to just let the hurt...hurt. The stronger I hold up my walls of strength, the harder they fall on top of me when I lose my grip. And that is harder to bounce back from than to just allow myself to feel for the first time in my life.

It took death to make me take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I refuse to feel. To get through this, I need to feel and I need to be open about it. People can go kick rocks if they can't deal with that.

Dell = Crap

So my 'at home' PC has exploded, imploded, or basically eaten itself...so posts for the time being will be brief if any and from work. I have had more issues with computers since the day I got my first one 6 years ago. No sound, viruses - bad processor's - motherboards burned to smithereens...the usual...

Next the damn thing will get cancer and cough up something ugly. I think I should just get a new one...
Hmm... Birthday coming up!!!

Guess what type of Fairy I am?

You are a fire fairy. You are passionate and daring
and bold, and can be quick to anger. Yay! look
at the lovely picture!


What type of fairy are you?(with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Found this rather interesting, and TRUE! I love this site!! Now anyone who knows me, tell me what you think! And feel free to let me know what type of Fairy you are too!

Life is never dull here...

In my little world of insanity, yikes! But things are being corrected with the County. I did speak to someone yesterday. I am looking at at least a year with the trial. It's not something I really look forward to either, but hopefully it will be gratifying and bring closure. We'll see.

And I have a wandering thought: If someone really cared about you, they would come to see you, right? They wouldn't need you to run to them, would they? I didn't think so. Dave came to see me. It didn't bother him. Makes you wonder....

We can only mope so much before we take some action - and for some, I don't think action will ever be a possibility. It's too bad. Thanks to all of my 'real' friends who know how to be one. I appreciate you support and kindness..I could never truly express how thankful I am for you being there for me in my insanity.

The Courts Suck

I went to the Arraignment this morning for Matt's killer...well when they called his name - the wrong guy came up. Some old dude that looked like he was homeless and 40 came up to the microphone. The guy that shot Matt is 25 years old with short brown hair and has been in jail only 3 weeks...not old, with long dirty blond hair. No one's hair grows that fast. So I told the prosecutor and he said that people may not look the same - this was WAY OFF! AND he gave a totally different name and had no idea who 'James Johnston' was. He never even stated a birthdate. So now they are putting this 'other' name as a freaking alias. I couldn't believe it!!! So I called the attorney's office and pitched a fit. Now I just get to wait for someone to call me back...HA! This needs to be verified and quick. How am I supposed to rest when the court system screwed up?

Goddess

You are the goddess of water:You are always very
relaxed and calm around others and you tend to
make friends fairly easily.The bad side is
people can't tell when you are being serious
and when your not.


What type of goddess are you???????WITH BEAUTIFUL(AND I MEAN BEAUTIFUL) PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

The ironic thing about this is that I never used to be this way, calm and relaxed. But lately most definitely. Other's have commented on it too. My calmness, with brief outbursts of energy that are lost as quickly as they emerge. Astrologically, I am a water sign. Still waters run deep. These tests are wierd yet to the point. I guess I am evolving. Aren't we all?

Shattered

Grief is like a personality disorder. One day you wake up ready to take on the world, the next...you are awaiting sleep to dream away the pain that swells inside you. It's utterly amazing and horrific all at the same time. Today has been one of those days.

I decided to take off for a drive, I drove to Chandler - where Matt and I first lived, past the club we met in - all the little places that hold so many memories. Upon returning home, I decided to watch 'The Notebook', our favorite love story. Duh. And now my only thoughts are of that morning I got the phone call.

August 22nd replays through my head like a broken record - the phone call from my father-in-law to turn on the news and what hotel did he work at? The frantic anticipation of Matt's phone call to wake me up that never came. He always called me at 5:30am when he worked nights to wake me up and tell me he loved me. Instead I sat in our garage staring at his parking spot waiting for the detectives to arrive. The phone call to the police who wouldn't let me hang up, and text messaging my mom because I was afraid to hear her voice. I didn't cry until I saw my in-laws and my brother. My whole world collapsed in their arms. I collapsed and a huge part of me is still lying on the ground in tears over the death of her husband. The other part is still that zombie walking around with smiles and laughter - pretending to be strong when she is only shattered on the inside. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being strong.

Life doesn't mean the same it once did. There is no tomorrow, only today and what we make of it. Plans will be broken, promises unkept...dreams forgotten, lost within the tears we shed. So many people out there just don't realize that for the reality it is. Maybe if we did, grief wouldn't be as hard - our pain as great. Maybe the loved ones we lose through time would never doubt the love that was bestowed upon them in life. Maybe my heart wouldn't doubt that he knew I loved him. I couldn't tell him enough that night. He probably thought I was out of my mind talking to him all night long - just to tell him how much I loved him, and how I couldn't sleep without him. All the wonderful things I was planning on doing to the house. The things that we were planning together. Are all gone, they were stolen from us - my life as I knew it was taken in a single breath and the pull of a trigger. In all honesty, I absolutely hate my life. Hopefully, I will get over that in time. But I will sadly stay in that state of mind until I can believe in life again, and in hopes and dreams. Because they don't mean shit to me anymore. No matter how hard I try - that innocent hope, and naive girl are gone forever. I thought we would grow old together. I wanted to die when he died. At 80, wrinkled and toothless...but here I am, with my heart broken into a million pieces. Alive and alone.

Moonlight

I love the moonlight. There is nothing more amazing than a desert sky, empty - yet filled with the moonlight. It is soothing and peaceful, and brings memories of soft nights I spent with Matt looking up at the moon with him. It's these memories that make this easier than it really is.

And it's almost Friday - Me, a Vampire in the night, seeking her next victim(s). I don't want anything from any man, except to know that I am still powerful. And I am. And that is what Matt loved the most about me. That power.

I am Vanity, and I am Sin. Two sides of the same coin. Light and Dark, Innocent and Vixen - Goddess of my own realm.

Turmoil

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't remember things, I forget where I put things..and it's affecting my job. And I don't think I even care. I feel like I am being treated with kid gloves, as though I am incapable of doing my job - all because Matt's dead. I feel more alone at work than I do in my own empty house! I can't expect them to understand, but I don't feel that I am being given a chance either. I feel as though this is all a joke. I enjoy certain aspects of my job - and that's it.

Did I make a mistake somewhere in the past 2 months to lead them on that I am crazy and incapable? I have been busting my butt for nothing! Someone once told me that someday it will be about the money. You know what? He was right. It IS about the money, and they aren't doing me any favors. I can't even do my job anymore. I have to sneak around to retain my clients and keep my hours up so I can make an extra buck or two. They might as well just demote or fire me - because this is just not working. I feel like the 'freak in the room'. As if I don't belong anymore, if I ever did. And it's hard, because I was hoping I could stay there. And now it's just awkward. I feel strange there, as if all eyes are watching me, waiting for me to lose it - and they will be ready with brooms to sweep me out the door.

It's awful to feel like that everyday. So if they think I am nuts - so be it. I am 23, my husband's dead - not me.

I am Revenge

You kill for revenge.
That is because you have lost something or
someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem
to get over the loss that marked your soul, and
the only solution is to go after the one person
who brought all this pain to you. Chances are
you are angry inside and you bottle everything
up and don't talk to anyone about it. People
may want to help, but you think that they can
never understand your pain and only get
frustrated because of this. But it is important
to see all that you have left and be thankful
of that even if you have lost something great.
It may not be true that Times heals all wounds,
but with time and talking about your feelings,
maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to
reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J.
Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and
teary eyes


What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Open Wounds

It's about to begin...the long drawn out process of law. Tomorrow is Matt's killer's preliminary hearing, a 5 minute plea of guilty or not guilty. And then they set the date for all of this to truly begin. I am not excited. I am nervous. What am I going to see? Hear? Feel? No matter how hard I try to walk upright everyday, I still fall to pieces. I am not over this, not at all. I just don't understand WHY! Why did someone have to kill him? I feel utterly destroyed at times - and at other times, on a new path in life, tough but filled with lessons. But then, that is what we call 'grief', I guess. I call it insanity.

No folks, I am not the same. I am often moody, often happy and often just plain depressed. It's not that hard to stop and think for one second and remember that though I may be smiling, I am still hurting inside. Show some fucking respect.

And thank you to all of my FRIENDS and FAMILY for being patient with me and being respectful and understanding. I know at times I may be a bit off the wall - but I am really trying hard to get through this, and it's harder than I am really letting on. I love you all!

I'm on a mission...

I am doing okay today. It's amazing that with all of the events surrounding my life, how little things can throw you off course. They caught my husband's killer, and I broke down. A mixture of joy and pain all at once. And then you feel a calm you've been missing - and you wonder what door is unlocking. I've lived behind many locked doors - and I've only allowed others to see what I wanted them to see, and when I chose for them to see it. I don't consider it living a lie, I call it "Being Cautious".

In the aftermath of Matt's death, I am trying to remain more open to feeling and functioning as an emotional human being. I guess I could say that I am doing okay overall. But I still question so much. That may be grief, confusion, or the fight to banish denial from my soul. I am not quite sure... All I know is that I have chosen to confront and conquer these battles - whether it be one at a time, or a few at once. I've realized that there is a lot that pains me, that I've held onto for years.

The past 4 years of my life have been the strangest and most painful yet - and it's far from over. In everything that has occurred recently, this is only the beginning for me - and it doesn't frighten me so much anymore.

Relaxation

I had such a fabulous weekend with Dave. We drove north to see the Grand Canyon, it was fabulous. Spending time with him has been the most calming and relieving sensation I've had since my husband's murder. I needed him to be here, I needed to see him again. He is such a great friend and I am lucky to have him as one...

And then he left, and I cried in my car. I truly am alone out here. I have 'friends' - but their friendships just aren't the same, and now that Matt's gone - I don't know what I have left here anymore. I have never felt more alone in my life and I don't know what I am going to do.

So I am off to see 'Cold' tonite, for me - because they rock, and hopefully I can snag a few autographs, and yes, I will you send you one Dave.

"Feel It In Your Heart" by Cold

Can't run away from love, if you cannot feel
Everything falls apart in a tragedy
I am so far away from gone
I just want to be here
Everyone forms a part in my symphony

[Chorus:]
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don't want you to pretend
I don't wanna be alone

Feels like I'm torn apart
And I cannot bleed
Caught in the web you made
This just can't be real
I am so far away from gone
I just want to be here
Everyone falls apart in this tragedy

[Chorus]

I don't want to be alone
Everyday I'll live through this
Inside I've changed
Everyday I'll live through this alone

[Chorus]