Vanity & Sin

Dark

Someone told me this site is dark...and it's true I guess. So I thought I would address it.

Yes, this site is dark - I feel dark inside and this is the part of me that you don't see every day. There is no mask here, no pretending - just me and how I feel. Once I feel better - maybe it won't be as dark. Sometimes things in life just don' t improve overnight. Things take time, wounds heal slowly. And if people can respect that, than I am okay with that. I don't want anyone thinking this will just fade with each passing day. I am having an extremely rough time. I find myself unable to open up - even to those I lean on and trust the most, even to myself.

When a loved one dies - it hurts, it destroys, it weakens. And I have a reputation for being strong, but I am not as strong as people think. This is different. And it isn't going away anytime soon. I am not asking for anyone to understand, just don't tell me that I'll get over it - because I don't even know if and when I will. Death sucks, and I am trying to be optimistic, but sometimes it feels good to just let the hurt...hurt. The stronger I hold up my walls of strength, the harder they fall on top of me when I lose my grip. And that is harder to bounce back from than to just allow myself to feel for the first time in my life.

It took death to make me take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I refuse to feel. To get through this, I need to feel and I need to be open about it. People can go kick rocks if they can't deal with that.