Vanity & Sin

Turmoil

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't remember things, I forget where I put things..and it's affecting my job. And I don't think I even care. I feel like I am being treated with kid gloves, as though I am incapable of doing my job - all because Matt's dead. I feel more alone at work than I do in my own empty house! I can't expect them to understand, but I don't feel that I am being given a chance either. I feel as though this is all a joke. I enjoy certain aspects of my job - and that's it.

Did I make a mistake somewhere in the past 2 months to lead them on that I am crazy and incapable? I have been busting my butt for nothing! Someone once told me that someday it will be about the money. You know what? He was right. It IS about the money, and they aren't doing me any favors. I can't even do my job anymore. I have to sneak around to retain my clients and keep my hours up so I can make an extra buck or two. They might as well just demote or fire me - because this is just not working. I feel like the 'freak in the room'. As if I don't belong anymore, if I ever did. And it's hard, because I was hoping I could stay there. And now it's just awkward. I feel strange there, as if all eyes are watching me, waiting for me to lose it - and they will be ready with brooms to sweep me out the door.

It's awful to feel like that everyday. So if they think I am nuts - so be it. I am 23, my husband's dead - not me.