Vanity & Sin

WTF??!!

Okay - so who knows what I am going to do NOW. My job wants me to stay bad...and I have the opportunity to downsize living-wise and make more $$. Yikes - now what the hell am I gonna do? Apartment hunting is NOT that fun...

Make it thru this garage sale, and then go from there...maybe get drunk Saturday and have a moment of clarity. That would be sweet!!

Post Holiday

Okay - still hanging in there...Survived Thanksgiving - barely. I about lost my damn mind. And Christmas isn't even here yet! One day to the next is so different and a totally different emotional experience. I hate it! I made it through Thanksgiving with a nice dose of Valium, wine and lots of food with my brother's in-laws. It was nice, but it sucked. Just one year ago I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my cousin in Iowa - my husband goofing off with her husband. Enjoying that fabulous family atmosphere is what he loved doing. And his wife cooking was always a turn on. And here I was alone at this family affair - it was an awful feeling.

So I lost it Thanksgiving night, and called my mommy. I guess the meds can't keep you from emotionally 'losing it'. I was planning on being alone for Christmas, but I highly doubt that it's even possible. So, my spontaneous butt has decided that I am moving to Iowa to be with my family. Why the sudden decision? Because my freaking landlord is trying to evict me (which he can't), but I am so exhausted on attempts at survival! I feel like I am running in circles. And rather than give up, I am taking a different route to getting my life back together. I will have a job working at the family Ben Franklin, pay my car note and be able to set aside some money for my future. Moving back in with your parent's can't be all that bad... Not at this point in my life. I just feel like I am losing my mind at times. And I just can't take it anymore. Besides, I'll be closer to my new Godson - friends that I know I can lean on and most importantly, my family for support. I need all I can get, and out here I have it to an extent... but I don't like handouts or favors. I need to rebuild ME and my life...and doing so alone out here is tougher than I thought and I am just not interested in breaking my back anymore to make it. I want to take it easy for a while, life is tough enough on it's own. If my parent's are willing to deal with me, than I am accepting and willing to give it a fresh start. The trial isn't going to be for a while anyway, and I need to make it now before I sink into nothingness. And I'll be able to get through the holidays with loved ones, because I know they are going to be tough.

I can't always be a tough broad - it takes a lot of energy and a lot of hidden tears - and maybe I don't need to try and be so tough all the time. Because I am just not as strong as I'd like to be. At some point, we all wake up and accept who and where we really are in life. Besides, this is another new adventure and path to take on, and I am looking forward to it more so than struggling out here alone. I absolutely hate being alone - but I look forward to being close to my family and friends again.

Sorry Arizona, but you're breaking my proverbial balls..it's been 4 years of heck and I am ready to move on.

Congratulations!

On November 21st, 2005 at 2:43pm (Central Standard Time) - my Godson - Greyson Raphael was born, 6.6lbs, 19 1/2" long to proud parents Ralph and Larissa. I have never been more overjoyed in my life!

Pictures coming soon! Congratulations Ralph and Lari!!

The Unwanted Reality

Yesterday I went to the pre-trial conference - to confront my demons. I met the prosecutor, saw Matt's mother and brother and had a pretty rough morning. I did see his killer sitting in the courtroom, looking smug and I never felt more out of my mind than I did at that moment that I saw him. I want to vomit, scream, and faint all at the same time. I had no idea what to really expect anyway - but it was a lot of pain, and the re-opening of some thick scabs. I cried. Just seeing Matt's mom makes me want to cry - this whole situation just makes me want to cry sometimes.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I am bracing myself for the future. I am looking to at least 1-2 years BEFORE this even goes to trial. It's far from over for me and for his family. And I am not going anywhere until I know that this chapter of my life has closed. This is an experience I need to embrace and face head on - but talk about tough! I can only hope that I can make it through this. I have hit the point of tough decision making, life changing choices - and my future is only beginning. I am optimistic though. I can't let this destroy me - so as I stress, I have been obsessively cleaning. Which is a good thing. I need to Bea-ify my house. And I am finally able to do it. It feels great. There is something "freeing" in it. And I need that feeling - I feel good about 'me' again. At last!

Pictures!

I finally got pictures up! Holy cow! And I uploaded them all by myself...yeah, it's the little things that amuse me, but I like to learn...so bite me.... Sedona was absolutely the best weekend I've had in a long time...I couldn't be happier!

Enjoy!!

Calming...

I haven't made any choices on whether or not I am staying in Arizona or not... My desire to flee and negativity is simmering down - and I have never been happier here in Arizona. Even with all the little things that make each day another adventure to conquer - I feel so optimistic, and nothing is going to falter that feeling. So to all those I told I was leaving....MY BAD! I am not going anywhere, IF anywhere for a long time. Arizona is my home for the time being, and its 80 degrees in November - I can't pass that up!! I'll let my future unfold as it does...I just want to live moment to moment...I want to heal inside and I think it's coming along swell. No more of me running circles in my mind - and driving myself batty! I finally feel almost at peace inside, or whole...now that is a first!!

There is nothing in our lives left unaffected by the people that come in and out of our lives...it's how we grow from each person and experience that determines our fate and our own personal peace and happiness... How will you embrace today?

The Long Road

I took some time to reflect through the previous entries - I have really come a long way since all of this happened! And it's so good to see. Sedona was fantastic, beautiful and COLD - but wonderful, and we took a lot of pics! I am working on getting those up - so bear with me. I still have pictures from a birthday party 2 weeks ago that I haven't even developed. My flakiness has not faltered one bit!

I just feel so alive again, confident and happy. Whether or not it will last, I don't really know...but I at least have felt better for days solid at a time versus hours at a time. It's a start and a new beginning.. I am listening to music I haven't listened to since before I met Matt - relaxing and enjoying time to myself...meeting new people that are all wonderful and great people to be around. I couldn't ask for more! I don't feel like I need to run and hide - or escape. I feel pretty darn content for the first time in months...and it's a beautiful feeling!

Hungover

OKAY! My birthday yesterday was FABULOUS!! Happy hour after work...3 Long Island's and a Kamikaze later - I was off to Ladies Night in Tempe - where I got plastered. Plenty of birthday shots, dancing - Ruby trying to con me into line dancing and karaoke - not going to happen. Finalized by a lovely headache this morning and a long long day at work. I swear I was still drunk driving to work this morning! But it was a blast - 24 and so much more to go.. I guess it's not too bad to celebrate another year in the eventful life of Bea.

But I am going to Sedona this weekend with Rubes - girl time, fun time and relaxation. I need to get out of this city for a day or so - I am really looking forward to it!

Birthday's

My freaking birthday is coming up. Not too excited and trying to find stuff to do to keep me busy. Normally, I enjoy celebrating another year in the life of Bea - but this year, I don't feel too much like celebrating. So I am going to shoot for happy hour and maybe a ladies nite somewhere...What can you do on a Wednesday night? But this weekend planning a trip to Sedona, so that will be nice - girl time and cold weather. I just feel 'off'. You ever feel like you are on a totally different planet?? I need a vacation!!

Totally off the topic, I am working on pictures that I want to start organizing and archiving..I am just a bit slow and an airhead...so bear with me!

Motivated

For the past couple of days, I have been extremely motivated! On a personal level...cleaning the house, preparing for a garage sale - exercise, yoga and now even reading Shakespeare! I just feel so alive - it's a beautiful thing. I go through my ups and downs - as I am sure anyone would in my situation, but it feels good to feel good again. Optimism is a beautiful thing.

I will probably remain in Arizona for the duration of the trial. I want to experience it, and be a part of the end result. And after that - I am highly considering returning 'home'. Initially from the midwest, I think it may be best to leave this life here. I know that I can stay and move on - but at this point, it's something that I am not really looking forward to doing. Arizona has definitely matured me through all the experiences I have had, and I don't know what is left for me here. I no longer know my purpose in life - and I feel that maybe I need to get back to my roots and grow there. Of course, I love the weather here and the life, but I no longer feel like I am moving forward. For the past for years I have grown as an individual, experienced things that not many 23 year old's have...and I want to feel safe again. More often than not here in AZ, my world has been rocked by events - and I feel that I need to go home. I want to be closer to my parents...I have my brother here...but I am close to my parents and would rather be within driving distance - versus plane flights.

These are just random thoughts - but they are good thoughts and they make me feel good. My husband was my safety before, he was my home and my world. Now that that is all gone, I need to find that home and safe place within myself, and I just don't know if it is out here anymore. At least I have a lot of time to think about it.