Vanity & Sin

Post Holiday

Okay - still hanging in there...Survived Thanksgiving - barely. I about lost my damn mind. And Christmas isn't even here yet! One day to the next is so different and a totally different emotional experience. I hate it! I made it through Thanksgiving with a nice dose of Valium, wine and lots of food with my brother's in-laws. It was nice, but it sucked. Just one year ago I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my cousin in Iowa - my husband goofing off with her husband. Enjoying that fabulous family atmosphere is what he loved doing. And his wife cooking was always a turn on. And here I was alone at this family affair - it was an awful feeling.

So I lost it Thanksgiving night, and called my mommy. I guess the meds can't keep you from emotionally 'losing it'. I was planning on being alone for Christmas, but I highly doubt that it's even possible. So, my spontaneous butt has decided that I am moving to Iowa to be with my family. Why the sudden decision? Because my freaking landlord is trying to evict me (which he can't), but I am so exhausted on attempts at survival! I feel like I am running in circles. And rather than give up, I am taking a different route to getting my life back together. I will have a job working at the family Ben Franklin, pay my car note and be able to set aside some money for my future. Moving back in with your parent's can't be all that bad... Not at this point in my life. I just feel like I am losing my mind at times. And I just can't take it anymore. Besides, I'll be closer to my new Godson - friends that I know I can lean on and most importantly, my family for support. I need all I can get, and out here I have it to an extent... but I don't like handouts or favors. I need to rebuild ME and my life...and doing so alone out here is tougher than I thought and I am just not interested in breaking my back anymore to make it. I want to take it easy for a while, life is tough enough on it's own. If my parent's are willing to deal with me, than I am accepting and willing to give it a fresh start. The trial isn't going to be for a while anyway, and I need to make it now before I sink into nothingness. And I'll be able to get through the holidays with loved ones, because I know they are going to be tough.

I can't always be a tough broad - it takes a lot of energy and a lot of hidden tears - and maybe I don't need to try and be so tough all the time. Because I am just not as strong as I'd like to be. At some point, we all wake up and accept who and where we really are in life. Besides, this is another new adventure and path to take on, and I am looking forward to it more so than struggling out here alone. I absolutely hate being alone - but I look forward to being close to my family and friends again.

Sorry Arizona, but you're breaking my proverbial balls..it's been 4 years of heck and I am ready to move on.