Vanity & Sin

The Unwanted Reality

Yesterday I went to the pre-trial conference - to confront my demons. I met the prosecutor, saw Matt's mother and brother and had a pretty rough morning. I did see his killer sitting in the courtroom, looking smug and I never felt more out of my mind than I did at that moment that I saw him. I want to vomit, scream, and faint all at the same time. I had no idea what to really expect anyway - but it was a lot of pain, and the re-opening of some thick scabs. I cried. Just seeing Matt's mom makes me want to cry - this whole situation just makes me want to cry sometimes.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I am bracing myself for the future. I am looking to at least 1-2 years BEFORE this even goes to trial. It's far from over for me and for his family. And I am not going anywhere until I know that this chapter of my life has closed. This is an experience I need to embrace and face head on - but talk about tough! I can only hope that I can make it through this. I have hit the point of tough decision making, life changing choices - and my future is only beginning. I am optimistic though. I can't let this destroy me - so as I stress, I have been obsessively cleaning. Which is a good thing. I need to Bea-ify my house. And I am finally able to do it. It feels great. There is something "freeing" in it. And I need that feeling - I feel good about 'me' again. At last!