Vanity & Sin

Fountain of Sorrow...

Great Jackson Browne song...thanks Boom.

I am losing it - survived Christmas, drunk and with friends. Now it's New Years-I am tired of the holidays.

I need a freaking break... will update when I can.

I'm Losing My Marbles...

Okay - so it is the middle of the night - oops! I thought it was Christmas Eve afternoon when I woke up!! Yikes. I don't know where my brain is at. Well medicated, that is for sure!

So the good news is that I have plans to spend a good portion of the day with Matt's grandparent's, my stepson Boogie, and I am really looking forward to it. Since I am up, I am going to arrange the new flowers I bought for the cemetary and open my x-mas gifts from my family. I think that is a good start to the middle of the evening. I want to get any emotion out of the way as early as possible. I am hangin' in there (my new favorite term) and we'll see how the weekend goes. Everyone and their mother is making sure that I am not alone for the holiday - so don't worry folks...not gonna do anything stupid. Maybe get wasted tomorrow night...but that's about it. I don't see anything to celebrate other than Boogie's face as he opens his Christmas gifts - and I thank god that I will have that opportunity. I'll take all I can get.

Ho Ho Ho! Here we go....

Misery needs company...

Okay - so I am not okay. Whether it is the holiday's or just sudden realizations of a few repressed issues or concerns about Matt's death...I just about lost my mind the other day. My new meds are stabilizing, and friends have been really supportive. If I can just get through this year, it would be great.

But I can finally sum up how I feel (for someone who doesn't express well, this is a good thing). I feel like there is a gaping wound in my heart that is pulsating ever single emotion I've ever felt, denied, hid, fought, or expressed out of my soul into my tears. It's as if I am bleeding emotion and pain. I guess it's about time.

Thank you Boom for being there for me these rough days... You make each day a brighter one and are one helluva good listener. And even in my mess of a life, you sure brighten those days with our spastic ADD tendencies and spontaneous walks. I appreciate your friendship more than you know and am so glad that I met you. You came into my life at the right time.

Nano nano nano

Merry Christmas! I had the company x-mas party last night - got totally trashed (wine and whiskey = hangover). I made it home safe thanks to carpooling and a paid driver. But for x-mas - the owner's bought everyone an iPod Nano! How neat!! And I am actually able to use the damn thing. Thank goodness for directions. So yeah, I feel cool - I feel better at the moment...The real holiday is coming, but I should make it through okay. Now that I have a new toy to play with, I am sure to stay busy!! Yes, flaky blonde moment Queen Bea is actually growing a brain cell and currently downloading songs to my new iPod! It's easier than I thought! So off to Best Buy and Home Depot today! I need to pick up some home improvement stuff and maybe some neato accessories for my new favorite Nano...he he he. I get too much of a kick out of the smallest things!

Passion at the Party Palace

I am hosting my first 'Passion Party' today - I am rather excited. I love attending them, and now with this big empty house, I figure - why not?? I am pretty stoked about it - getting the girls rounded up - laughing and getting our drink on. I WILL be taking pictures - so they should hopefully be up this week at some point.

I have been pretty much been taking it easy - had no voice for 8 days, I have it back, but do I feel fatigued! I pulled a 13 hour shift yesterday for work - I am beat, and ready for some relaxation. And for those who keep asking - are Boom and I dating - - NO. He is my new best buddy-we just click rather well for only having met about a month ago. So we will just leave it at that. He is a great friend and someone I thoroughly enjoy talking to when we do get together and we always have a blast...like Miss Rubes said - 'You two are fucking crazy'. It's fun..and it's always fun to have good friends around.

Hopefully this party will flow well - I will update soon! (Having the computer back up at home has helped a bunch with posts!!) Thanks Dave-O!!

I Think I'll Pass...

I survived the Christmas service - I could scarcely breathe...but I survived. It was wonderful to see his parent's and his son (Boogie)..and I have decided to spend my holiday with them. For us, there really is no 'Christmas'..and I would rather spend it without pretending to have Christmas cheer..when I don't. I am not going to fake it, and I am actually looking forward to it more so now than before. Because I am spending it still with 'family', loved ones...and we are all on the same page. No one is trying to make me decorate a tree - or sing Christmas carols...I can just be me. I like this idea...I don't feel as apprehensive toward the holiday anymore. I can get through it just how I want to and not be alone (so society can stop worrying now!!).

The hardest part of all of this - is simply: the reality.

Someone asked me, have I ever been in love? I said I don't know... well I do know. I was in love with my husband no matter how batty he drove me..and it took his death for me to allow myself to admit how much I did love him and to finally allow myself to feel. The only bright side of this whole situation is that I do feel..and I feel for him and I love him. It's a simple as that. I loved coming home to him every day, seeing him asleep on the couch and kissing him awake..making him dinner and making sure he made it to work okay. Being in love is all those cheesy little things that you think are tedious at times that you miss the most. Just someone's presence completing you - good, bad or ugly..that simple phone call to make sure you made it okay to work and to say 'I love you'. That's what being in love is. We did that every day for 2 years to the day of his death. And that is still what I miss the most. The goofy 'I love you' cards...the flowers for no reason, the kisses fresh out of the shower... Yeah, folks...this girl deep down is a softy. I am just rather selective on whom I get soft with... and it was Matt... It was never that way with any other man in my life. And I just realized that today. I wish it hadn't been so rough in the end...but at least we knew we loved each other...not everybody gets to know that. I am glad I finally told him just how much. I spent such a huge part of our relationship fighting how I felt, and now I can do nothing but acknowledge it. It doesn't go away.

Yeah-rough day...I'm still grieving, I still have a long way to go I guess...

Will This Ever End?

Man oh man! Do I get jittery when I am nervous...I feel like I just drank 8 red bulls and took six power pills.. Anyone here know who 'Tyrone Biggums' is?? Yeah well...I am freaking out. Matt's Christmas Service is tonight and I am so stressed...just emotionally. This is a really depressing way to spend freaking Christmas. Remaining optimistic is more of a life line than an actual choice...I just want to get through this month and take on next year - 2005 has been hard enough... and it is so FAR from over for me...

Life is teaching me one helluva lesson right now...and it's going to be a long time before I ever even know what it is. I'm trying everyone, I really am...

My Happy Song

Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes

(a-wa) O kod wa u zo-nge li-sa namhlange
(a-wa a-wa) Si-bona kwenze ka kanjani
(a-wa a-wa) Amanto mbazane ayeza

She’s a rich girl
She don’t try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

He’s a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

People say she’s crazy
She’s got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that’s one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you’ve taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I’m talking about
As if everybody here would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes

And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes

And I could say Oo oo oo
And everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds

People say I’m crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that’s one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes

By Paul Simon

Thanks Boom for the great song! I absolutely love it - it's my new happy song!!

Coming undone...

I don't know why my world seems to spin psychotically off its axis. It seems as though once I feel comfortable with one emotion, another kicks me in my teeth. Last night I had a 'relapse' of past emotions - wounds that have not healed. I don't understand why these things pop up on me. I don't understand why I am where I am today. Even when I feel I have gotten it together - I fall to pieces at any given moment.

This afternoon, I moved some furniture around and cried my eyes out. I don't want to leave this house, yet I can't afford to live here. It's gonna really suck when I have to leave. This is my home...my past and once upon a time, my future. All of that is gone now. I have to start over from a blank page - a new chapter in this adventure we call life. Am I that afraid?

In the words of my new best bud "Boom" - he is an inspiration and enlightening to depths of my being that I haven't found in another person in this life thus far... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

If I wasn't afraid then - I would have said all the things I should have said, I would never have ran - I would never have hurt those who loved me most.

If I wasn't afraid now - I would tell everyone how sorry I am, how much I love them - and that I am lost right now and I will find my way. And where that will lead, I cannot promise anymore. No matter how strong I aim to be, I am really not right now, but I am trying - and thank you for believing in me. Sometimes I just wish someone would save me - it's hard standing against the world alone. No matter how many friends you have, no one fills that void that rests in your empty home - no one is waiting for me anymore....and I am scared to leave. I am not ready to, but when are we ever ready?

I guess I still have a long way to go...

Never Know

I heard this old story before
Where the people keep on killing for their metaphors
But don't leave much up to the imagination,
So I wanna give this imagery back
But I know it just ain't so easy like that
So I turn the page and read the story again
And again and again
It sure seems the same with a different name

We're breaking and rebuilding and we're growing, always guessing

Never knowing
We're shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments, we're clever but we're clueless
We're just human, amusing and confusing
Were trying but where is this all leading?
We'll never know

It all happened so much faster than you could say disaster
Want to take a time-lapse and look at it backwards
Find the last word and maybe that's just the answer that we're after
But after all we're just a bubble in a boiling pot
Just one breath in a chain of thought
We're moments just combusting
We feel certain but we'll never, never know
It sure seems the same, give it a different name

We're begging and we're needing, and we're trying and we're breathing

Never knowing
We're shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments we're clever but we're clueless
We're just human, amusing and confusing
We're helping, rebuilding, and we're growing
Never know

Knock, knock, coming door to door
To tell you that their metaphor is better than yours
And you can either sink or swim and things are looking pretty grim
If you dont believe in what they're spoon-feeding
Its got no feeling, so I read it again and again and again

It sure seems the same, so many different names
Our hearts are strong, our heads are weak, we'll always be competing

Never knowing
We're shocking but we're nothing
We're just moments, we're clever but we're clueless
We're just human, amusing, confusing
But the truth is all we got are questions
We'll never know

Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams