Vanity & Sin

I Think I'll Pass...

I survived the Christmas service - I could scarcely breathe...but I survived. It was wonderful to see his parent's and his son (Boogie)..and I have decided to spend my holiday with them. For us, there really is no 'Christmas'..and I would rather spend it without pretending to have Christmas cheer..when I don't. I am not going to fake it, and I am actually looking forward to it more so now than before. Because I am spending it still with 'family', loved ones...and we are all on the same page. No one is trying to make me decorate a tree - or sing Christmas carols...I can just be me. I like this idea...I don't feel as apprehensive toward the holiday anymore. I can get through it just how I want to and not be alone (so society can stop worrying now!!).

The hardest part of all of this - is simply: the reality.

Someone asked me, have I ever been in love? I said I don't know... well I do know. I was in love with my husband no matter how batty he drove me..and it took his death for me to allow myself to admit how much I did love him and to finally allow myself to feel. The only bright side of this whole situation is that I do feel..and I feel for him and I love him. It's a simple as that. I loved coming home to him every day, seeing him asleep on the couch and kissing him awake..making him dinner and making sure he made it to work okay. Being in love is all those cheesy little things that you think are tedious at times that you miss the most. Just someone's presence completing you - good, bad or ugly..that simple phone call to make sure you made it okay to work and to say 'I love you'. That's what being in love is. We did that every day for 2 years to the day of his death. And that is still what I miss the most. The goofy 'I love you' cards...the flowers for no reason, the kisses fresh out of the shower... Yeah, folks...this girl deep down is a softy. I am just rather selective on whom I get soft with... and it was Matt... It was never that way with any other man in my life. And I just realized that today. I wish it hadn't been so rough in the end...but at least we knew we loved each other...not everybody gets to know that. I am glad I finally told him just how much. I spent such a huge part of our relationship fighting how I felt, and now I can do nothing but acknowledge it. It doesn't go away.

Yeah-rough day...I'm still grieving, I still have a long way to go I guess...