Vanity & Sin

Some things you didn't know....

Mmmmhmmmm...That was pretty messed up!

Where I've been....

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks Dave! This is freaking sweet! I am hoping to attack the east coast more someday... I notice how I kept going south... LOL. Gnarly! I like to travel I guess, and most of these I hit when Matt and I traveled summer 2004. It's nice to see on a map. Good things, good things...

Tell Me Why...

I could see her fall from grace
Like a movie star to old to change her life
With a bottle by her head
Every night she went away
I would pray for someone else to change her life
If she wouldnt change for me

Tell me why. please tell me why. you stole my life

Tired of hearing the same old song
Everytime you came back frozen deep inside
Was it my love that you feared
I was a misfit all the way
Never there to help me grow and change my life
Then you smiled and walked away

All the lil things she said to me
Were broken thoughts and tainted dreams
If she cant take these memories
It doesnt change a thing
Every lil word she said to me
That broke my heart and stayed with me
I wish that she could hear me scream
She never changed a thing

This cant go on!

- Cold - A Different Kind of Pain

A Quaint Dose of Reality...

I woke up yesterday... feeling like crap. Minus the fact that I had drank a lot of rum the night before...but I asked myself, "what the hell am I doing?" I don't even know anymore... So I spent the sunset sitting in the cemetary crying - not sure why this has happened and what am I to do next. What am I supposed to be learning from all this? Am I on a mission to seek and destroy the male species? I don't know... but I feel like I am lining up victims for my mental massacre. These boys just drool, and slobber and offer me the world - anything I want, for what? My attention? Cause they sure as hell aren't getting any.. Guys are wierd...

Life is quirky...

Do you find it funny how certain things come up at the wierdest times?? As if there are no gaps in time, no moment missed though it's been years - and it makes you cry. I cried last night - maybe inside I've been crying all along... My life is just messed up. And I am still scared to go home. Maybe when I thought I'd been growing and living - in reality, I have been running away all along. I think I still am now. And I don't know why anymore... I know that I wish I could just stop - but this is one dose of reality I don't know if either of us is ready for... if we ever will be.

Acceptance

I think I am reaching a new level of awareness in myself...and it's wonderful! Obstacles are still abroad, but I at least feel confident enough to face them. I feel like a new person. My year is off to a great start, I feel happy - even when I have my down moments.

Last night I was packing up some of Matt's and my stuff and it hurt, but was cleansing at the same time. My life is moving on, and it's as though I am saying goodbye in a way to a life I chose that was lost. Rather than reinventing myself, I feel as if I am re-awakening my soul. It's not as if I had a blissful marriage - it was rough and emotionally exhausting....and he set me free. He gave me my freedom that I wanted so badly. Murder isn't a choice, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe Matt's purpose in life was fulfilled - and it held a huge part in mine...at the time of his death he had everything he ever wanted, to be married to someone he loved, a child (though not ours), a house with 2 dogs and 2 cats, Tony Montana Bedroom doors and a huge separate garden tub in the bathroom. He always thought he would die at 25, and maybe a part of his soul already knew that. And my purpose is only beginning. It's almost as if I can just taste it at the tip of my tongue - I have no clue what it is, but I can sense some significant meaning and reason approaching me in my life, and I am waiting with open arms to embrace whatever it is I may face.

Life is solely about growth and living and learning. I think once people can accept that, they can face the challenges that face them ahead. Let's not be ignorant to reality and be honest with ourselves - life is much happier that way...I am happier. I needed this.

Guess Who II

Sooo...I tried being creative and learn how to insert a pic...HA! Well now I can't even find that previous entry to fix it. Go figure...

BUT I AM SEEING KORN & MUDVAYNE IN MARCH!!! HA HA HA HA HA. Those who know me, know my obsession with Korn, this is lucky number 7 - got pretty decent seats, and I am definitely planning on losing my voice.

Rock on!

All Smiles

As Nemesis says here....Live in the moment. And I am. Thanks to good friends, embracing life - and enjoying what is given and not regretting what is lost. I have never been happier even while facing my own past - I am happy. Boom asked me the other night if I was happy - and I said YES. Why? Because I am content with my SELF at last...I am happy with me, who I am, where I am and with my choices. I am a survivor, a healer, a friend - and I know it and I love it. I love me.

I am so glad to hear you talking how you are Nem, it's about time! This is what I've been wanting to say all along. We just go through phases girl - you and me both, and I am glad to be sharing these experiences with you. Cuz we rock!

2006 Part II

Not even a whole month in - and the world has gone mad. The government is working on a pill to erase bad memories...make them less 'painful'. WTF? This is what the world is coming to? I guess in some instances that would be okay - but aren't we avoiding the reality of life experiences by reducing it with a pill? I think so...would I take it? F-No! I had a rough year last year, but we grow from these experiences as individuals. I wouldn't trade that for less stress. People in general have a hard enough time dealing with the reality of their lives, let alone themselves - and now they are whipping up a pill to make a lot easier. No matter how bad some events are in our lives, we are meant to grow and learn, not suppress and 'make things easier'. That's why we have drug addicts, potheads, and alcoholics. I think that is plenty to make the pain easier. This is just going to be a legal way for people to de-stress themselves. Maybe it will help the homeless veteran population...but they made that choice. We all make choices, it's just a matter of what they are and how we deal with them.

Everything in life is a choice - from getting in a car, saying 'I do' on an altar, to taking a needle in your arm for that ethereal high... Let people face their own damn problems - it's healthy! No one ever said life was going to be easy. Let's hope that people can see that - if they think they should make a pill..then they should just legalize marijuana. People feel good on that....it helps reduce the reality and stress in life. This would constitute a good medical reason! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - get 'em stoned.

Falling into place...

Things have taken a dramatic turn...and things are finally falling into their place. For reasons I wish not to state - I am staying in Arizona...Will tell those select few later - sorry, I still love you all though! I have found a roommate, she is awesome! I sold my Cougar when I thought I would have to sell my soul for gas money - one less headache, and I should be getting an apartment with my new roomie within the next week! It couldn't be better...

This guy I am 'seeing' - because we aren't dating, but I am not 'seeing' anyone else either nor is he - is awesomely unique. He's cool, he makes me laugh - he let's me go away when I need to. And he has the body of a GOD!! Don't know where this is headed, but I am thankful that I have a warm body to sleep next to on occasion...pretty often actually... he he he. And we just have flat out FUN. Right now I need to have fun. My new year is off to a better start than expected. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

Yeah, there are still nips in the bud - like my current landlord being a jerk-off bastard, but I knew that since Matt died and he didn't even send his condolences and we helped pack that bastard's truck and they drank beers together.. shows how much people really give a damn about nothing but their own wallets and could care less about anything else...but if I was a greedy S.O.B., I'd probably be the same way. My disgust in his lack of humanity is rather colorful at this point. F-Him.

Someone told me I look younger than I did a week ago... that was my compliment of the week - cuz I feel younger. Finally.

2006

Okay - a mild update...I am functional, back on my meds - and as fucked as ever. Practically homeless, I can't even afford to move right now. I don't even have money to get me through another week... what else can I sell this weekend? I am considering another garage sale to see what else I can make on some of this furniture - so I can buy fucking dog food. I don't even buy groceries because I can't afford to. I eat at work, or granola cereal that is months old. You have to do what you need to to survive. I am fighting one helluva an uphill battle right now. And every idea seems to keep falling through, every plan a flop - so now I am probably going to have to move in with my brother. Jeezus - can it get any worse?

New Year's was a blast, thank goodness...it's about as much fun as I may have for a while. I spent next to nothing, had a great time and met the most fantastic guy. In a platonic - thank you god sort of way. Let's just say I feel human again! And he's really hot too - I am moving up in the world folks. Yeah, that's a vain remark - bite me. I'd rather indulge myself in vanity and sin right now anyway...at least its more fun than the reality of my fucked up life. Since Matt's died - my world has been a mess... and nothing seems to be improving... WTF? I am at the point where I just don't care anymore.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It was freaking INCREDIBLE and I survived 2005.

Thanks to my GIRL for being there and having a blast - we rang in the New Year like it was nobody's business... I hope your dreams stay as kinky as they did that night!!! Because I will definitely work on it for ya!