Vanity & Sin

Acceptance

I think I am reaching a new level of awareness in myself...and it's wonderful! Obstacles are still abroad, but I at least feel confident enough to face them. I feel like a new person. My year is off to a great start, I feel happy - even when I have my down moments.

Last night I was packing up some of Matt's and my stuff and it hurt, but was cleansing at the same time. My life is moving on, and it's as though I am saying goodbye in a way to a life I chose that was lost. Rather than reinventing myself, I feel as if I am re-awakening my soul. It's not as if I had a blissful marriage - it was rough and emotionally exhausting....and he set me free. He gave me my freedom that I wanted so badly. Murder isn't a choice, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe Matt's purpose in life was fulfilled - and it held a huge part in mine...at the time of his death he had everything he ever wanted, to be married to someone he loved, a child (though not ours), a house with 2 dogs and 2 cats, Tony Montana Bedroom doors and a huge separate garden tub in the bathroom. He always thought he would die at 25, and maybe a part of his soul already knew that. And my purpose is only beginning. It's almost as if I can just taste it at the tip of my tongue - I have no clue what it is, but I can sense some significant meaning and reason approaching me in my life, and I am waiting with open arms to embrace whatever it is I may face.

Life is solely about growth and living and learning. I think once people can accept that, they can face the challenges that face them ahead. Let's not be ignorant to reality and be honest with ourselves - life is much happier that way...I am happier. I needed this.