Vanity & Sin

Waiting

I wanna meet up with you
And show you what I'm thinking
I'll take you anywhere
That you wanna go
I'm sitting here bored and lonely and
You know that anytime you're free
To show me how you feel
We'll take it anywhere that you want to go
Anywhere that you wanna go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back

And I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
And I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagination
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
In my head

Now I realize I never had it so good
You took me anywhere I wanted to go
Now I'm sitting here dreaming of the days
When anytime I wanted I could show you how I feel
I can't go anywhere that I want to go
Anywhere that I want to go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back

And I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
And I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagination
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
In my head

I'll take it anywhere
I'll take it anywhere
I'll take it anywhere
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back

I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagination
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head

And I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
And I've been fooled by the illusions in my head

By Trapt

And another heartwrenching moment in the life of Bea

September 20th, 2006 trial begins. Every human emotion and/or thought that has raged through my brain in the past 24 hours since hearing the news has definitely been disorienting. People have tried to tell me its a good thing, etc. Sure! If you weren't the one anticipating seeing evidence, listening to lawyers give their opening statements - people looking at the 'widow' while she is drowning in her silent tears that wet her face and make her wish she was just as dead as her husband. Yeah, looking forward to it. I am scared. Oh, I'll be there - but I am scared of what I will find out, what I will see - facts that I've yet to face. I still haven't requested the autopsy report, because frankly - I don't want to see it! Sometimes people forget the brutality of my husband's murder, and a part of me wants to remember him alive or at least the way he did before they closed the casket. Sleeping - though, that's still not as happy as if he were alive.

This is the type of thing that just doesn't go away...people seem to have forgotten, and it's not as if it was from some illness or old age... my 25 year old husband was shot in the HEAD twice. Murder, cold blooded murder doesn't just wash off our hands so we can move on. None of us wanted this, someone else did - and him just behind bars isn't consolation enough while I am alive out here struggling to survive and move forward in my life.

It isn't over for me...I don't really know when it will be.

So freakin sue me!

I am hanging in there..mildly moody, but what else is new? An ex of mine - though trying to not to make me feel bad, has succeeded once again to make me feel like I let him down AGAIN! And here's why...

too bad we didn't get to hangout... but, what's done is done. I had to work last sunday so saturday was my only free day and i actually cancelled plans that night to go done to the city. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or whatever...

it was that fact that if you guys were so wanting to so me, you might've wondered why i didn't call....

MY BAD! My ability to mind read must have been off last weekend, and it's not my fault. I had no clue you didn't have her number...my phone was broken...JEEZUS. So maybe in another 5 years, we can attempt to see each other and play this little game of 'someone is pissy' and make me feel like dirt. I wanted to see you, sorry it got messed up...you coulda just showed up...it would have been a wonderful surprise. Next time, I don't think I am even going to tell you, I'll just come find you and let you get off whatever leftover high school drama stuff you are hung up on off your chest, since it seems to me - you may need to deal with it. Cuz I didn't do anything wrong, and I would have appreciated it if you could at least see that I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, SORRY!

YOU have fun buddy. Yeah, I am pissy on this one... YOU have an awful tendency to make me feel like I fucking failed you somehow, when I am not even trying to do anything FOR YOU anymore. Guess some things just aren't supposed to work, huh? Our communication was never one of our strong points.

I Give Up...

What the hell do people expect from me?

Crumbling on the inside...

I am noticing a current problem...I can't seem to cry! At some point, I locked up again...and it's ripping me to pieces. I feel so strange, unsure, insecure - afraid. I don't trust anyone or anything..is this another step in the grief process? My thoughts keep racing to my husband for support, but he isn't there.. and I am here because of everything that has happened...'D' keeps trying to get me to just open up, but he doesn't need to deal with this... does he even really want to?

I just seem to be questioning every action, everyone else's reactions or actions... I just feel like a mess inside! And I am not sure why or where this came from. Maybe it's all a process that can only be figured out in time - I just hate feeling this way - as though I don't know where to turn anymore... It's tearing me apart...all I want is to be held and just cry, and I don't even know who to turn to to be able to do that. It's as if I am pushing away from this pain, even though I want so badly to embrace it.

I truly am a mess!

Happiness Is Bliss...

For starter's, I had the most unbelievable weekend! Friday nite was 'date' night - went bowling and had a blast with 'D'. Saturday, he and I went to the Phoenix Suns game, our first NBA experience up close and personal, FABULOUS time, I tell ya. I am not one for basketball, but being at the actual game is a completely different experience!!

And then we saw Korn last night! Ohmigosh! Mudvayne rocked as always, and Korn was there ever amazing selves...I have half a voice - and it's totally worth it.

I guess where I am at right now... reestablishing my life, my self and future..things are simple, fun and just the way I want them to be. I am really happy with my life right now. Still working out the wrinkles in some things, but in ways of moving on with my life, I have never been more comfortable, at ease - and just plain happy to be where I am. I am really thankful to all the wonderful people I've met that have been understanding, and patient with me. I do still have some rough days, but I get through them with a little help from my friends. And then I am off to Illinois for the weekend to see some old friends and my godson... Things are finally starting to look up!

I am really optimistic right now that things are going to work themselves out just fine!

"Cold (But I'm Still Here)"

"Cold (But I'm Still Here)"

Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster
can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back
when you hide, hide inside that body
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake, the more you give away

cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all
now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
but don't you forget
the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay

cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

you're so endearing, you're so beautiful,
well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do
but I don't hate like they do
am I ever on your mind?

cold, but I'm still here, blind, 'cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

COLD, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you 'til the day that I die
we're far too comfortable this time
COLD, I loved you from the very first night
you broke me 'til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

By Evan's Blue

Hello Again!

I am alive and well...been living my ever adventurous life, and haven't had the time to update! Things are absolutely fabulous though....

I officially have a new home - a great roommate, and things are going good their. "D" and I are doing great, having fun as usual - no stress, no drama - just perfect. I have never had more fun with someone in my life! Everything is an adventure... and I am so open to new things and he is definitely one to not be boring. So far so good!

Going to Chicago for St. Patrick's Day weekend and going to meet my new Godson. I am really excited, a nice little reunion with friends that is much needed...

But the most important thing....
KORN IN CONCERT THIS SUNDAY!!