Vanity & Sin

And another heartwrenching moment in the life of Bea

September 20th, 2006 trial begins. Every human emotion and/or thought that has raged through my brain in the past 24 hours since hearing the news has definitely been disorienting. People have tried to tell me its a good thing, etc. Sure! If you weren't the one anticipating seeing evidence, listening to lawyers give their opening statements - people looking at the 'widow' while she is drowning in her silent tears that wet her face and make her wish she was just as dead as her husband. Yeah, looking forward to it. I am scared. Oh, I'll be there - but I am scared of what I will find out, what I will see - facts that I've yet to face. I still haven't requested the autopsy report, because frankly - I don't want to see it! Sometimes people forget the brutality of my husband's murder, and a part of me wants to remember him alive or at least the way he did before they closed the casket. Sleeping - though, that's still not as happy as if he were alive.

This is the type of thing that just doesn't go away...people seem to have forgotten, and it's not as if it was from some illness or old age... my 25 year old husband was shot in the HEAD twice. Murder, cold blooded murder doesn't just wash off our hands so we can move on. None of us wanted this, someone else did - and him just behind bars isn't consolation enough while I am alive out here struggling to survive and move forward in my life.

It isn't over for me...I don't really know when it will be.