Vanity & Sin

Memories..

Here I am again, facing another life changing experience that I never chose. On Monday morning, I received a message from my storage facility stating that they 'accidentally' auctioned off all of my possessions that I had stored there due to a billing error. Everything I've held dear over the years is gone. I had kept my husband's suit from the wedding, some antique furniture and records - my life was in there. Pictures of my wedding, two trunks of items that I was saving for Matt's son when he got older. Things of his father's that he will never see again. I was crushed. Who in their right mind would do something like that? Do they even realize what kind of mistake just occurred? When I go to get my own place in the future, I have absolutely NOTHING to take with me except a few books, clothes and 2 photo albums thank GOD I unpacked. That's all I have left, all I have left of me.

It has been almost a year, and now this. I was so devastated, I could barely breathe. People have tried to say that everything happens for a reason, but this is just wrong. It seems as a wound heals, someone tears it apart again. I feel like I am being torn apart!

The only good thing out of all this is 'D' - he said, "Bea, with everything you've been through - you are still standing, and people admire you for that. This is just another test that you will survive and still stand as strong as you have. No one has stopped you yet."

And they never fucking will. I take beating after beating, and still get back up. I don't always want to, but I have to. I don't think everyone really sees that or respects that, nor do I want any special treatment because my life is tough. We all have our equal share of problems. But dammit, I just want to be 'okay' for a while. I need a break from all this.

Moments In Time...

On my way into work today, I had a much better idea of what I wanted to post. Now, I just feel jumbled and confused. I realized this morning, as I stood outside at 5:30am that this was the first time in almost a year that I had seen the sunrise.. since the morning Matt died. This time, I wasn't sitting in the garage waiting for him to come home, I was at home - getting ready to start the day. And I could do nothing but cry.. It was a beautiful sunrise.

They set his marker on his grave yesterday, took a long time (about 4 months) - but it's finally there. I almost went up there this morning, but I think I'll share a sunrise with him tomorrow morning. And although it may seem strange, I cannot wait!

It has been almost a year - and I have moved forward with my life, met someone that I care about... and still, these moments come to pass just as boldly as before. Maybe I don't cry as easily anymore, maybe I seem colder or more together. Maybe people think I just don't give a crap because I have moved on. But it still hurts, I still remember and it will never go away. It's been a growing and enlightening experience. It makes you appreciate things in life a bit more, you value relationships (of all kinds) a bit more.. Tears finally are true.

I guess I could say I am fortunate. I have had to face this mostly on my own. I am alone out here in Arizona, or I was. Matt's family and I don't really stay in touch, they are dealing with grief in their own way, and I am not a part of that. I don't see my stepson, I don't see my in-laws - I have faced each day alone, or at least until I met "D". I was so lucky in finding him! He's been supportive, open, patient - and the one to ask ME if he could share this with me, so that I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I could not ask for more.. and I never asked to begin with. I guess things just work themselves out in the end.

Beautiful Things....

Got up early,
Found something's missing, my only name
No one else sees, but I got stuck and soon forever came
Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name?
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredicatble, won't bother anymore,
And silently gets harder to ignore...

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
to see what life could bring

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
This trace of blame...
Frozen still I thought I could stop
Now who's gonna wait?

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredicatble, won't bother anymore,
And silently gets harder to ignore...
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see
What's done is done, this love has got its' hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?
It was once my life...
It was my life at one time...

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
to see what life could bring

By: Andain

Me in Bisbee, Arizona!

This is me in front of my nifty little new favorite town, Bisbee sign... I went there with "D" memorial day weekend, and had the most wonderful, RELAXING time. A much needed vacation, much overdue... Next, we are plotting a trip to Mexico for the weekend.. I love living out west!

Until next time!

Thankful...

So my last post... I have resolved. I am 5 months into one of the best relationships yet. We have talked about everything. My insane moments, my moods - my expectations, and vice versa.. on the expectations at least! I am utterly amazed, proud and happy that we did - "D" has been extremely patient and understanding and best of all, willing to share my moments, memories and future..

Now! How long will that last, and is this for real? Those are questions that I am leaving on the backburner, because I couldn't ask for more right now.. or ever. He's absolutely wonderful and I truly met him at the right time in my life. He has been a huge part in the healing and growing process through this whole experience. It's something I never thought I'd find in a person.. ever.. and here it is right in front of me.

All I can be is thankful..