Vanity & Sin

Moments In Time...

On my way into work today, I had a much better idea of what I wanted to post. Now, I just feel jumbled and confused. I realized this morning, as I stood outside at 5:30am that this was the first time in almost a year that I had seen the sunrise.. since the morning Matt died. This time, I wasn't sitting in the garage waiting for him to come home, I was at home - getting ready to start the day. And I could do nothing but cry.. It was a beautiful sunrise.

They set his marker on his grave yesterday, took a long time (about 4 months) - but it's finally there. I almost went up there this morning, but I think I'll share a sunrise with him tomorrow morning. And although it may seem strange, I cannot wait!

It has been almost a year - and I have moved forward with my life, met someone that I care about... and still, these moments come to pass just as boldly as before. Maybe I don't cry as easily anymore, maybe I seem colder or more together. Maybe people think I just don't give a crap because I have moved on. But it still hurts, I still remember and it will never go away. It's been a growing and enlightening experience. It makes you appreciate things in life a bit more, you value relationships (of all kinds) a bit more.. Tears finally are true.

I guess I could say I am fortunate. I have had to face this mostly on my own. I am alone out here in Arizona, or I was. Matt's family and I don't really stay in touch, they are dealing with grief in their own way, and I am not a part of that. I don't see my stepson, I don't see my in-laws - I have faced each day alone, or at least until I met "D". I was so lucky in finding him! He's been supportive, open, patient - and the one to ask ME if he could share this with me, so that I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I could not ask for more.. and I never asked to begin with. I guess things just work themselves out in the end.