Vanity & Sin

Someone pushed a button...

Spring is upon us again - and it is again time for those moments that I go through every few years. The moments of turmoil, change and adjusting for a new path.. I am ready. I think I could possibly be seasonal woman.

What has set me off on this escapade this time? Well, where do I begin?

Someone had the nerve to tell me that it's been almost 2 years since my husband died and I should be over it by now. Why? Because I was upset that his would-be 27th birthday is coming up, and frankly, I AM NOT OVER IT.

The reality of realizing that those around you, those 'friends', those 'lovers' - are supposed to believe in you is amazing..because most of them don't. If it didn't happen to them, it isn't real. Well, my pain is real. My life is real. My past IS real. And it is not over for me yet. I am the lucky widow who is still going through legal battles, court dates and an unknown future because my life is on FUCKING HOLD. I cannot do anything until this is over.

Oh, I am sorry if I am not 'in love'. In love with what? In love with who? Life is about functioning and surviving - I've been in love and it landed me in a state of literal misery and growing experiences. I have nothing left to love. I left my heart 2000 miles away, and the only man with the balls enough to even revive me is dead. The strongest person I know took 2 bullets to his head and I still miss him! Is that a sin? Is that a crime? It was my husband, and the last person who I knew believed in me, in something beautiful no matter how ugly the world - and the only person to make me dream again since I left Illinois.

I am done everyone - I give up. I hate pretending, and my time is coming where I can be free. Papers to sign, trials to attend - and then I am done. I can't live a fake life - I cannot live pretending everything is 'coming up roses'... because it isn't.

Some people are in love with the mystery of life, the mysteries of things beautiful that they will never understand. Their minds are too clouded with fairytales to see what has been waiting for them all along. And they won't be there to see it when it leaves.

I am in love with no one but myself. Because I am all I've got. Any man strong enough to stand up to that ~ would be an amazing moment - but I doubt it will ever happen again. People say I don't give them a chance... then I guess I should just be alone then. Maybe that's why he died ~ to set me free at last...