Vanity & Sin

Life could not be any more interesting!

I am discovering that life will never let you down on being bored. I had a rather interesting week! To summarize, I am currently recovering from surgery due to two baseball sized cysts on my ovaries and an ectopic pregnancy - that I didn't even know I had until after over 24 hours of excruciating pain and lots of fun tests last weekend. I would have updated sooner, but today is the first day that I have been functional enough mentally to post - I may do a lot of posting here for a while, since I will be off for at least another week or two. It's been rather difficult for me to 'rest', since I am a rather hyperactive person who needs to keep moving, but it's kind of a big deal for me to sit tight so I can heal. My future in motherhood is being challenged by a lovely thing called 'endometriosis' but this is a challenge that I intend to take head on and conquer. Thank god for the support of family and friends, and especially Derek.

Derek has remained ridiculously calm through all of this. When in the ER last Saturday being told that I was pregnant about flipped my lid ~ and he remained calm and asked all the right questions. When they said that it was lodged in my fallopian tube and life-threatening, he remained supportive and calm - my rock. Amazing how much credit I haven't given him, but in the moments of chaos, my youthful love has been the stability that I have needed to lean on. Amazing that after a year and a half I am just starting to see that he truly is more of a man that I give him credit for, and these ridiculous events that keep occurring to test my faith and strength, he has never faltered on. For being 23, he is definitely stronger than I ever thought, and I am very glad to have him in my life. Which leads me to another tale entirely, but that will be a revolutionary moment that I will post here shortly.

I am beyond grateful for having him in my life. There are few people that I know I can count on, and love beyond words, and I am glad that he is one of them. I finally see how fortunate I am to have come as far as I have, and to have had the support along the way through my eventful life.

"I Feel It All" by Feist

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all, I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card in sight, wild card in sight

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hope

Can I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest, I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hope

Can I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I want to win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes we don't pull or flex
Put your weight against the door
Kick-drum on the basement floor
Stranded in the thought of woods
Looking like the winter bird
On my head the water pours
Cops stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away the one who wants to make

I feel it all
I feel it all
The wings are wide
Wild card in sight, wild card in sight

Oh I’ll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it, though you started it
The truth, the lies
The truth, the lies

Words to Live By

I didn't do it...

I didn't leave him. I had to take a few serious looks at myself, and my life ~ and I couldn't do it. Derek is a very important part of my life whether or not it's forever or not. That's all I can say. Boy, did I push as hard as I could! The moment that he questioned our relationship, is the moment that I realized I had gone too far. So now, things are calm ~ enough. I am behaving and not pushing...but if this is going to work, I have to make sure I keep my head on straight. I may lose the best thing that has ever happened to me - and that may just make me insane. I have accepted that I can lose this at any time, but so far we are okay. We are back to having fun, and me not trying so damn hard to be a grown up. I even played video games last Sunday for 4 hours straight!! *Resistance: Fall of Man ~ PS3 baby!!

I guess there will always be a hollow part of me that is ready to bail at any moment in time. I have decided that it is a survival instinct, something that I have grown accustomed to with all the wonderful, wacky events in my life. I am a runner ~ and I will run away...unless I fight to keep my feet on the ground. At this point in my life, Derek is worth the feet on the ground. But he and I both know that can change at any time, but we both accept and respect that. And that is what I love about being with him. We accept each other for who we are - and have a blast together as much as possible!

Life is only about living... embrace it!