Vanity & Sin

Ridiculously Nostalgic

Holidays. Bah Humbug. My elated mood and excited 'Bea-ness' has melted away and disappeared. I awake each day wondering just how the hell I am going to do this sober. That is alcoholism at its best! Thank goodness for a baby to keep my sober through this strange time. I was so excited about Christmas at the beginning of the month, and the closer it gets, the more I wish I were someplace else. It's awful, heartwrenching, and enough to drive me to tears almost daily.

And I've yet to go to the cemetary. I am a big chicken. I think I may actually be a bit embarrassed by the layout of my current life that I let so easily slip through my control. Now, time to turn the other cheek and keep that smiling face for all to see as I question myself endlessly on why the choices I made ended up so mixed up from my initial intentions. I couldn't say that I regret anything, but I can say that I am not proud of where I am. I wanted to be someplace else, or on my way to someplace else. This wasn't supposed to be it. Now my life has taken yet another dramatic turn (a good one, yes) and here I am to ride the wave of experience into my newfound future. As a mom.

And if anyone asks me again if I am going to get married, I am going to have to punch them in the neck. I don't want to ever get married, nor should have to. I once told a dear friend that I do not want to have to bury another husband, and I meant it. For me, marriage was once - and no one has stolen my heart to ever make me consider doing it again.