Vanity & Sin

Broken...

Seether:
I wanted you to know that
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away...
I keep your photograph and
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Seether and Amy Lee:
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Seether:
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

Amy Lee:
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Amy Lee and Seether:
Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away...

Cause I’m Broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone...

Seether:
You've gone away, you don’t feel me here anymore

By Seether & Amy Lee

I am struggling a bit...

With trying to wrap my mind around the latest news regarding Matt's killer. The bastard has reached max time that the county can hold him as a prisoner to be 'restored' and competent to stand trial. Because of that time being maxed out - and being deemed 'unrestorable', he is going to be released as a "civilian ward of the state" and placed in a State Mental Institution.

We have to drop the charges for the murder of my husband August 1st.

IF he is ever restored and released I get contacted, then have to hope the County will retry the case. Hope.

Fuck hope. And fuck the judicial system. He just got a way with murder... Almost 3 years later and this is what I get?

I can't even break down about it...I can't even think straight...I can't even drink myself into a stupor. I can't get mad, and I can't even scream. I feel so off-balance I just wish someone would push me over so I could feel again...or shake me to wake me from this nightmare.

And my fucking taxes are paying for his goddamn stay.

Believe by Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don’t meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life's not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you've had to fake
And all the shit you've had to take
Just to meet us here again

I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life's not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

It's my life
It's my choice
Hear my words
Here my voice
And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life's not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life's not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Freakin Finally!!!

Finally some refreshing music from bands who've been quiet...

Staind - The Illusion of Progress - coming out in August!! OMFG!! The song 'Believe' is just incredible...lyrics posted above of course.. and talk about WOW. Where the hell has THAT song been?

Shinedown - The Sound of Madness - Available Now!! OMFG!! That's where I found 'If You Only Knew'...a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Just my musical update - I'm such a junkie for good stuff! Time to update my good ol' iPod ~ update my music and jam out!!

She's a Big-un!

Miss Monkey is 26" long and weighs 14.8lbs!! My 4mo old mini-giant..lol.

Yes...I am a proud mommy. Who knew I'd be the super-goober mom? LOL Well, considering I never thought I'd be a mom at all? I think I'm doing alright.

The winds are changing...a few things I needed some closure are may come to pass here in the near future..updates on that scenario to come.

If You Only Knew by Shinedown

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
the web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart
before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight,
bring me back to life
breathe your breath in me
the only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

If you only knew
how many times I counted
all the words that went wrong
If you only knew
how I refuse to let you go,
even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I spent,
nights we shared,
or letters that I sent

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me I
toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight,
bring me back to life
breathe your breath in me
the only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight,
bring me back to life
breathe your breath in me
the only thing that I still believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Side Note:

No, I don't know how I've kept my mouth shut, remained patient, maintained sanity, and still get up everyday to do it all over again. I guess me remaining focused on the outcome I desire has made me numb to the 'events' that seem to keep coming up and making life rather interesting. I've even amazed myself. Maybe it's because I don't care anymore, maybe it's because I don't know what to do to make him change - probably because I don't care to change him? That's an effort a person can only do for themselves if they even believe it's necessary. Not my problem.

I have become good friends with acceptance & reality these past few months. I just wish that it was over... But I'll remain patient for that too. Time does seem to be conveniently flying by VERY quickly for me lately.

At least I know where my heart lies and where I'm headed. It's these choices today that are going to change me forever...even after all the changes I've made, and I've never been happier to be walking away from what's been shadowing me so long. The cloud that's hovered since Matt's died is gone - and I can finally see again. What's even more amazing is that it took my daughter to open my eyes and wake me up to reality. I've never been more grateful to & for anyone in my whole life...she is my world.

My greatest fear has been my strongest saviour.

There's a select few to thank.. and you know who you are! Thank you for keeping the sun shining on my face and being there even when I haven't asked you to be. I never realized how much I needed you all.

Hoo-Rah for Rice!

A 7hr solid night's sleep occurred last night - FINALLY!! Turns out my *Monkey* is allergic to oatmeal. WTF? Although the red cheeks & nose were cute - she is a much happier baby, and I'm a much happier mommy. No allergic reaction (knock on wood!!) - and a well slept night. In fact, I pumped up her amount of rice (I've been doing it gradual since she doesn't like it too thick yet) AND she devoured 4oz of rice/formula mix in...less than 5 minutes. Oh, it's almost too good to be true!!

I am a happy camper - talk about a freaking milestone MUCH needed.

Now..if I could just get her to hold her own bottle? LOL

15 days...

Until I find out just how much MORE my monkey has grown. I can't wait!!

And damn, I can't wait until she sleeps the whole night!! This is killing me!

Single moms everywhere - PROPS to you for maintaining momminess & excellence through too many sleepless nights. I think a man somewhere should start up his own business providing supplemental 'help' to single moms.. I wonder if Johnny Depp would be interested? Fuck that...gimme Ryan Gosling.. lmao

Yeah, that's lack of sleep and catching my daughter's cold talking... ah well. I'll make it. I'll just curl up with her and The Notebook with a box of Kleenex...get my girly fix over and done with.

Hey! I have moments too!!

My Greatest Memory by Hope

Today was the best day of my life
I found a road back to remind me of you
The world keeps turning over,
Wish I could have you closer,
Of every moment lived so far

This is my greatest memory,
You by my side
I can picture you here with me, and if I tried..
This cant be a crime,
At least I can hold you in my mind

Looking out my hotel window, I see cars racing by
Everybody going somewhere, wish you'd appear tonight
Someone send me an angel, I saw him in the light
Twelve days lost to dreaming, before you came to light

This is my greatest memory, you by my side
I can picture you here with me, and if I tried..
This cant be a crime..
At least I can hold you in my mind

The world keeps turning over, wish I could have you closer
Of every moment lived so far,
This is my greatest memory,
Now your standing here with me..

This is my greatest memory, you by my side
This cant be a crime..
These are the best days of my life

Teething...

Aliyah is pushing 4 months old this month...and I've read about teething, the signs, the drool... blah blah blah.

But the part that they left out was the blood-curdling screaming that also accompanies the pain that tears right through your skull and into your heart!!! MY POOR BABY!! Luckily I caught it as I did - super drool and a fever, so I was able to give her some Tylenol right before she went ballistic.

How is this odd, Mom?

Well, you see...my daughter doesn't cry. She never has. MAYBE if I test her to see if she can by not feeding her at the appropriate time? But even then it's more of me getting bitched at, and damn she can be loud! But no real tears in the past several months except for: 4hrs and not eating OR these damn teeth coming in...

It's going to get interesting I see. Joy oh joy...

One Last Thought..

What made my trip so amazing back home was that I could just be 'me'. It was really good to be with those who've seen it all with me ~ and sometimes, just existing and breathing is all we ever really need as long as we are with those who love us for who we really are inside. Although I may have left, they had never left me at all.. That is something worth waiting for and rediscovering.

It was a breath of fresh air long overdue...

In Retrospect...

Once again, I am at another crossroads in my life. This time involving a child and a man that I cannot see myself with any longer. I am not sure if I was true to myself the entire time we were together - but according to this blog, my committment levels are those of a crack addict. I wonder just how many I've scared off with my faults? I have decisions to make solely for the benefit of my daughter's future and then secondly, my sanity. Talk about a tough set of options!

The other day, I spent a good 2 hours re-reading this blog that I began almost 3 years ago. I must say that the events in my life these past few years have been rather dramatic and intense. I just find it funny that I started this as an outlet to vent about 'The Warden', and discovered through this blog that I have learned love as I've lost it. That's been a few times now! I still haven't given up I guess.

What gets me is that I have a beautiful child, and someone I can't stand. I know why I don't - completely. I was with him after my husband died because he was nice, he could drink as much as I could - we could have fun and just LIVE. Neither of us wanted a committment such as marriage, nor children. But we were blessed with a daughter - and my world came crashing to a realistic halt. I don't look at him the same anymore. I don't feel anything for him at all - I care for him deeply as a friend, but I have no desire to pursue this failed attempt at a relationship except on a civil basis for our daughter. And dammit, I refuse to just give in!

I believe that becoming a mother has literallly traumatized me. I won't argue that at all. Traumatization only because I knew the moment I found out that I would never marry her father and that I could probably never give her the family environment that she deserves. Her father and my have made attempts at rekindling whatever it is that we lost - and I just end up in tears hating myself and who I've become. I have continuously turned my back on so many different emotions and realities - that here I am today. 2008 was supposed to be my year to move back home. Last March I decided that I was done. Husband's case resolved or NOT - I had to get out of AZ! I have been here almost 3 years waiting for that door to close, and I am ready to just shut it myself. I can't lose any more than I already have. I finally realized that - and now I have my daughter to take into consideration.

All I know is that I am done promising and I am done hiding. No more what ifs, or what could've been. Those rip my heart apart worse than where I am at today.

I can tell you one thing though - I won't close any more doors..and I won't let myself stop from feeling ever again. Well, feeling for those who I cared for the most. I realize that I am where I am today because I decided at one point to control my emotions and safeguard myself against drama, pain, or disappointment. I got a bit 'too' good at it. Now here I am, trying to make a man understand that I could never love him the way he wants me to. What's left of my heart belongs to my daughter - and the rest is floating somewhere back home. Every visit home, I feel more and more complete. I've been gone too long...

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart...

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let’s go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start...

I was just guessing, at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart...

Tell me you love me, come back to haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are...

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

By Coldplay

Mambo 8!!!

Memorial Day weekend this year was the BEST weekend ever! I had my first attempt at surprising someone that came off without a hitch! Damn was I nervous! New mommy needed a getaway & the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Following a series of events early this spring, and a MUCH needed email conversation to restore some sanity in my brain - I had an epiphany! I decided to surprise Dave (and others) for his annual Mambo gathering. And let me say this, as I was hugging the wall of his house not to be spotted, I probably could have thrown up in his driveway - but with the help of my best friend Beth, her mom and little brother - the look on his face as I came around the corner will forever be priceless!! And the fact that he didn't kill himself flying down the stairs was a bonus too.

I got to see Ed, meet his fabulous wife Krissy - who I just want to eat up and keep forever! Larissa and her family came too - and WOW has her son grown! It was a blast with fab food, great drinks with friends - and a time to share great memories and discoveries about all our new families and lives. Not to mention the certain 'entertainment' of one who shall remain nameless that yes, Dave probably has some great pics of all that...and I am not sure if I want to know of any of ME in particular meeting a bet..I am hoping Ed put the camera down by then.

All in all it was the best ever - my first appearance at Mambo in YEARS, before the days it even was Mambo..and the best night I've had in a long time. And this time, I intend on making many more. Damn, I missed everyone more than they or I realized!