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June 1, 2008
In Retrospect...
Once again, I am at another crossroads in my life. This time involving a child and a man that I cannot see myself with any longer. I am not sure if I was true to myself the entire time we were together - but according to this blog, my committment levels are those of a crack addict. I wonder just how many I've scared off with my faults? I have decisions to make solely for the benefit of my daughter's future and then secondly, my sanity. Talk about a tough set of options!
The other day, I spent a good 2 hours re-reading this blog that I began almost 3 years ago. I must say that the events in my life these past few years have been rather dramatic and intense. I just find it funny that I started this as an outlet to vent about 'The Warden', and discovered through this blog that I have learned love as I've lost it. That's been a few times now! I still haven't given up I guess.
What gets me is that I have a beautiful child, and someone I can't stand. I know why I don't - completely. I was with him after my husband died because he was nice, he could drink as much as I could - we could have fun and just LIVE. Neither of us wanted a committment such as marriage, nor children. But we were blessed with a daughter - and my world came crashing to a realistic halt. I don't look at him the same anymore. I don't feel anything for him at all - I care for him deeply as a friend, but I have no desire to pursue this failed attempt at a relationship except on a civil basis for our daughter. And dammit, I refuse to just give in!
I believe that becoming a mother has literallly traumatized me. I won't argue that at all. Traumatization only because I knew the moment I found out that I would never marry her father and that I could probably never give her the family environment that she deserves. Her father and my have made attempts at rekindling whatever it is that we lost - and I just end up in tears hating myself and who I've become. I have continuously turned my back on so many different emotions and realities - that here I am today. 2008 was supposed to be my year to move back home. Last March I decided that I was done. Husband's case resolved or NOT - I had to get out of AZ! I have been here almost 3 years waiting for that door to close, and I am ready to just shut it myself. I can't lose any more than I already have. I finally realized that - and now I have my daughter to take into consideration.
All I know is that I am done promising and I am done hiding. No more what ifs, or what could've been. Those rip my heart apart worse than where I am at today.
I can tell you one thing though - I won't close any more doors..and I won't let myself stop from feeling ever again. Well, feeling for those who I cared for the most. I realize that I am where I am today because I decided at one point to control my emotions and safeguard myself against drama, pain, or disappointment. I got a bit 'too' good at it. Now here I am, trying to make a man understand that I could never love him the way he wants me to. What's left of my heart belongs to my daughter - and the rest is floating somewhere back home. Every visit home, I feel more and more complete. I've been gone too long...
Posted by bea at June 1, 2008 12:46 PM
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