Vanity & Sin

Thinking Out Loud...

I have a lot on my mind right now ~ so I need to do a bit of rambling. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with cancer just recently - and I am having difficulty coming to terms with the situation. She is 25 years old, divorced with 2 sons - who are just amazing kids. She's had a hard life, and I think that is where she and I connected the strongest. She's been busting her ass for her boys and getting her life together...to get diagnosed with cancer.

Now, I've had my share of hard times myself - and no one can compare their woes to others because the effects of how traumatic events change our lives is different for everyone. She knew my husband, and was even at his funeral. And now I could be going to hers. That bothers me in ways I can't explain. I am staying as positive as I can, but today we were told that it is a very rare form of cancer and extremely aggressive. She's already had her Med-tube thing put in for her Chemotherapy to start - but no doctor has given a straight answer - because they have no answers. They don't know what it is - just cancer. And not good.

Since having my daughter, my life has changed completely. I have never felt more unselfish, more devoted, and more 'open' than ever before in my life. Something happened to me I guess when I became a 'mom'.. There's been a lot of changes, and especially a lot of self-realization. I know who I am now. I have a purpose. I'm hopeful..I can dream again. Whoever I was searching for all these years..is here. I have turned my back on so many people, people I've loved - people I've hated..solely to discover myself and get my head on straight. It's been a long, painful road to get here..but here I am. While I do have much ahead to conquer, I don't feel like I am fighting anymore. I'd lost everything only to gain more than I ever imagined back again... How am I so fortunate, when someone else deserves that chance? Why do I keep getting second or third chances? I am in a place right now I never imagined I'd ever see again because of choices I'd made in the past. I know what's happened to me for me to be here - and I won't give up and I won't let go...

But dammit. Life and death is inevitable. I know that better than I'd like to. But it's just so unfair, and all I can do is be strong for her, for myself, and for my daughter. It just doesn't feel like it's enough.