Vanity & Sin

We'll Miss You Tiffanie...

My friend Tiffanie passed away yesterday afternoon ~ and my heart goes out to her family. I found out at work which was awkward..that whole processn of death sinking in has a heartwrenching effect sometimes, but I'm okay. She was so peaceful these past few weeks that her optimism became contagious - and my girl is at peace at last. And I am happy that she is no longer in pain.. Her sons are doing okay too so far...

I love you Tiff!! You were a Rockstar, amazing woman, mother, and friend.. You'll always have a place in my heart...

In Memory of Tiffanie Wyke...
May 25, 1983 - August 29, 2008

3 Years...

Today is the 3 year anniversary of Matt's death, and I must say that time has not made it any less of a memory. It doesn't fade. It doesn't stop aching. I'll never stop missing him. I'll never stop loving him. I don't think I could even if I tried. I thought that maybe with time, this day would come easier, but it has only made me more open to who I really am inside. It's a day of re-awakening and love. I know he's with me & always will be...I wouldn't trade these memories or silent tears for anything in the world.

In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long,
I can't believe your gone

You still live in me,
I feel you in the wind,
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

Now I come home and I miss your face so,
Smiling down on me,

I close my eyes to see and I know
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you,
In loving memory of,
The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be,
And even though you're gone,
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

But now I come home and its not the same no,
Feels empty and alone,
I can't believe you're gone
And I know

You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I'm glad it set you free from sorrow,
I'll still love you more tomorrow,
And you'll be here with me still.

All you did, you did with feeling,
And you always found the meaning,
And you always will,
And you always will,
And you always will.

And I know,
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it wild
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

Sweet Surrender

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room

I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home

And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me

Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here
On my knees

And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

And I don't understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
Oh I miss everything

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room

Some Randoms About Me

Thought I'd jump on the bandwagon on this one! I don't think I've ever 'personalized' about myself on here - aside from immediate needs of ventilation. I'm selective I guess - but maybe I'm due for for some "get to know me" fun!!

1) My birth name (minus my surname(s) is Beatrice Lynn
2) I am named after my grandmother
3) My mother wanted to name me "Nicole Lynn"
4) TOTAL stripper name!! "Nikki Lynn, to the stage please"
5) But maybe then I would have been rich?
6) Maybe not...
7) I love my name
8) I wish I could go back to my maiden name...
9) Maybe soon, maybe not - not up to me yet
10) The judicial system is bullshit
11) My husband's murderer got off on 'insanity' or in politically correct terms, 'incompetent and unrestorable'
12) It broke my heart
13) My heart's been broken a lot
14) I've broken my share of hearts...
15) I'm known for speaking everything on my mind
16) And never what's in my heart
17) I'm working on that - and it feels good to be

18) Everything I've never wanted to happen has happened to me in AZ
19) And I am okay with that
20) I love being a mom
21) I love being a mom more than anything
22) 10 years ago, I would have slapped the shit out of myself for that statement...
23) 2 years ago I would have
24) I don't know if I'll have another chance to be a 'mom' again
25) But I've accepted that too
26) I've discovered that I can do anything I set my mind to
27) That includes FT Work, FT School, and FT Mom...
28) Some days I really question why I put so much on myself all the time
29) But I have never been broken
30) I worry that I am unbreakable
31) I honestly wish that I could be able to just break down and cry
32) I haven't had a good cry in almost 3 years
33) I think that's the last time I ever really cried about anything
34) It's the day I put my husband into the ground
35) I don't ever want to bury another husband
36) I love to live, laugh, and love
37) My friends mean as much to me as my own blood
38) There's one who means so much more
39) I really miss him
40) I'm in the midst of a crazy adventure to raise my daughter right with her father
41) I wish I could just pack her up and run away
42) I am ready for a change
43) I am ready to move forward
44) I am ready to start fresh!
45) I absolutley love change
46) I think change loves me sometimes too
47) I think about him 24/7
48) I'm a fighter and survivor
49) A bit of a rebel too
50) I've shaved my head in the past
51) Several times actually
52) I still don't really care what people think
53) I am over-dedicated to my job
54) I am always analyzing and plotting
55) I always have a plan
56) My AZ friends call me "The Dude"
57) Most of them are pretty sure my balls are bigger than their's are
58) They might be right about that
59) But they don't really know me either
60) I've grown up a lot in the past 7 years
61) Maybe 7 years is a lucky number this time
62) I have a habit of being psychic
63) I have a habit of being a Scorpio
64) Tattoos are a part of my life
65) Getting more and re-do's soon too
66) I'm not your "girly girl" next door
67) I'm the chick throwing the football party and doing beer-bongs
68) Well, no more beer bongs without a sitter
69) I hate that finding a sitter is horrific
70) I am homesick on a several day a week basis
71) My visits aren't making it go away anymore
72) Home truly is where your heart is
73) I know exactly where my heart is
74) I really miss him a lot
75) I know I'll see him again real soon
76) I have learned that life is only a lesson
77) And death always comes too soon
78) I've realized that I'm still grieving
79) I may always be grieving
80) But I know that's okay and nothing to hide from
81) I have pushed a lot aside in my life
82) I am taking a lot of it back
83) I love going to school
84) I am a geek
85) Really, I am a closet nerd...
86) But the people who know me best already knew that..
87) I miss talking to people about things 'geeky'
88) I love my friends
89) I can't wait for another chance
90) I can't wait til September
91) I can't wait til October
92) I look forward to every day coming
93) I look forward to being able to just breathe again
94) I've busted my ass to be where I am at today
95) I am proud of myself when I look in the mirror
96) I am happy that he is still proud of me
97) I can easily read just about anything in people's eyes
98) I'm an open book too
99) Only when I choose to
100) I've chosen to now

Numbers are IN!!

We raised $1400 today!!

It was worth the sweat and stink ~ and wierd flip flop tan lines... Damn I feel good!!

What a Blast!!

What a weekend! Friday night was Tiffanie's "Last" Party ~ talk about a turnout! I haven't drank that much in a while ~ and I even sang karaoke for the first time ever with her! I couldn't say no. She was the star of the night. It was a great time with some emotional moments, but I had so much fun. It was such a great group of people AND I got to make many new friends!!

Today - bright and early, Aliyah and I were out at her donation car wash to raise money for her expenses forthcoming ~ and wow. Did I get a bitchin flip flop tan!! I - YES - was street-side for Miss Tiff holdin the sign, hollering at drivers, rockin a cowboy hat and bikini top. I hope there are no pics... But it was a great day and I really feel good about sweating like a rhino's ass out there in this heat.. Tiffanie even spent the whole day out there with us! It was nice for people to be able to meet her, I think it really helped. We had a great turnout today too! Can't wait til final numbers are in.. every little bit is helping her and her family.

Crazy thing is that in the side of town she lives on...I swear we needed signs in spanish..eek. But at least they still stopped in and got their cars washed..

Good times!!

Beat...

I am definitely feeling completely beat... Between work, school, mommyhood, and life in general - I am just exhausted. What is scary is that I keep on going, and going, and going. I am beginning to wonder if there is a way for me to even stop and breathe on a regular basis? At some point something's gotta give - but will it even be me?

I don't even know how I am managing all this... I sometimes just wish I could shatter into pieces. But I know that weakness isn't exactly my forte...

I can't wait til I can be 'still' again ~ and it's coming. Even if its brief, any moment that I can find to be at peace inside...I'm taking it. I need it.

Answer by Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can't look down..

If it takes my whole life, I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
you'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life, I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind...

Exhausted and still going strong...

I love my new job, been slammed with finals..and am in dire need of a vacation!! I am trying desperately to adjust to my new commute, schedule, and classes - talk about insanity. On top of that, getting ready to move isn't making time availability any easier?

Why do I pile these things on myself? Or do I just love being to the max 100% of the time?

I've thought about that a lot the past few days - and I must say that I didn't intentionally pile these things on myself...I just didn't give up anything when I decided to be a mother. And I think that is the hardest part - to clear or not to clear my plate? I just refuse to put my career or education on hold - and while this is all a matter of opinion - why should I? Everything I do, I do for her.

But dammit, I need a break. I am not finding any relief here, and support is seriously lacking. I just need a break, which I know I'll get..and soon. I just hope that I have all of my hair when I get there.

Sometimes I really wonder if all the fighting is going to be even be worth it in the end. I can only hope I just get to the end - and when I can finally just let go of all the strings and schedules that I hold onto so dearly for life and just to get through each day... Can I ever really collapse?

I fucking doubt it.