Vanity & Sin

18) Everything I've never wanted to happen has happened to me in AZ
19) And I am okay with that
20) I love being a mom
21) I love being a mom more than anything
22) 10 years ago, I would have slapped the shit out of myself for that statement...
23) 2 years ago I would have
24) I don't know if I'll have another chance to be a 'mom' again
25) But I've accepted that too
26) I've discovered that I can do anything I set my mind to
27) That includes FT Work, FT School, and FT Mom...
28) Some days I really question why I put so much on myself all the time
29) But I have never been broken
30) I worry that I am unbreakable
31) I honestly wish that I could be able to just break down and cry
32) I haven't had a good cry in almost 3 years
33) I think that's the last time I ever really cried about anything
34) It's the day I put my husband into the ground
35) I don't ever want to bury another husband
36) I love to live, laugh, and love
37) My friends mean as much to me as my own blood
38) There's one who means so much more
39) I really miss him
40) I'm in the midst of a crazy adventure to raise my daughter right with her father
41) I wish I could just pack her up and run away
42) I am ready for a change
43) I am ready to move forward
44) I am ready to start fresh!
45) I absolutley love change
46) I think change loves me sometimes too
47) I think about him 24/7
48) I'm a fighter and survivor
49) A bit of a rebel too
50) I've shaved my head in the past
51) Several times actually
52) I still don't really care what people think
53) I am over-dedicated to my job
54) I am always analyzing and plotting
55) I always have a plan
56) My AZ friends call me "The Dude"
57) Most of them are pretty sure my balls are bigger than their's are
58) They might be right about that
59) But they don't really know me either
60) I've grown up a lot in the past 7 years
61) Maybe 7 years is a lucky number this time
62) I have a habit of being psychic
63) I have a habit of being a Scorpio
64) Tattoos are a part of my life
65) Getting more and re-do's soon too
66) I'm not your "girly girl" next door
67) I'm the chick throwing the football party and doing beer-bongs
68) Well, no more beer bongs without a sitter
69) I hate that finding a sitter is horrific
70) I am homesick on a several day a week basis
71) My visits aren't making it go away anymore
72) Home truly is where your heart is
73) I know exactly where my heart is
74) I really miss him a lot
75) I know I'll see him again real soon
76) I have learned that life is only a lesson
77) And death always comes too soon
78) I've realized that I'm still grieving
79) I may always be grieving
80) But I know that's okay and nothing to hide from
81) I have pushed a lot aside in my life
82) I am taking a lot of it back
83) I love going to school
84) I am a geek
85) Really, I am a closet nerd...
86) But the people who know me best already knew that..
87) I miss talking to people about things 'geeky'
88) I love my friends
89) I can't wait for another chance
90) I can't wait til September
91) I can't wait til October
92) I look forward to every day coming
93) I look forward to being able to just breathe again
94) I've busted my ass to be where I am at today
95) I am proud of myself when I look in the mirror
96) I am happy that he is still proud of me
97) I can easily read just about anything in people's eyes
98) I'm an open book too
99) Only when I choose to
100) I've chosen to now