Vanity & Sin

I'm Alive!

Been busy ~ as always...
Brother was in town ~ awesome!!
Work is killing me slowly...
So is school...
I'll get here to update soon!! All sorts of exciting things happening!!

Aliyah is goofier everyday, and keeps me going no matter how tough it gets. I've never been more blessed...

Best Movie Ever...

"What Dreams May Come"

What's wrong with the idea that your soul mate rescues you after you're both dead? AND you get a second chance?

Maybe it's the connection I feel with the wife/mother every time she cries in this one.. I've seen that in my own reflection too often in life..?? Maybe because my soul is wandering somewhere waiting to be rescued...

Maybe because I am dead already...

Your Shit Storm Awaits...

Too much has happened this year for me to just easily wrap my mind around anything. Way too much. Things I never expected, things I never dreamed... Things only to leave me wondering just when and where I got off the train and stopped paying attention. I am a mom now, still a widow, still wondering when my heart will and can find peace.

Matt's killer will be released back into society any day now.. I can only pray the cops are waiting for him.. 3 years of nothing, 3 years of pain, 3 years of hope that justice will be served - only to be let down.

Motherhood entered into my life, recentering my entire being.. making me see the world through a new set of eyes..

Death has come again to a friend whose life was too short, a mother, a friend, a strong and beautiful woman - someone who I never thought I'd see buried before me or before anyone. Tiff was 25. The same age as Matt...

These things make you think. Think where you went wrong, think what you did right, think what you could do to make it all be just a bit easier - just a little more pleasant...

And my mind drifts to a time long gone, a time I left behind. And I give up. I am tired of believing. Hoping. Maybe it's truly just easier to function and get through the day.

I am just so tired of people's self-preservation bullshit - it sickens me to realize they can't see outside their own world and into others. But we are all supposed to pity them and be there for them and try to be a friend, when all they want is a sounding board. Would it be easier for you if I gave a shit what you think?

I've lived, loved, lost, and suffered... so the fuck what? Go plant your own funeral for affection with those who haven't been listening to your shit for almost 13 years.