Vanity & Sin

Update..for my few readers

Alright everyone ~ wanted to fill you in if you haven't figured it out already?

I am buying a home in Arizona! WHOO!! I am excited...

Why, you may ask?

Well let's just say the past 7 years have been a doozy.. full of hopes, dreams, disappointments, and most of all - the disappointment in love.

I am a woman of consistency, determination, and devotion. I have found none of that since I buried my husband until I told Derek he had no other choice but to leave or step up. I am not one who is fond of nonsense, but I am dedicated to my daughter. I have even considered deleting this blog altogether to begin my new one. I haven't due to the history I have here - the last place of any glimpse of my soul or heartfelt emotions. I have been through a lot here and hope to share more. I will always need an outlet for my so-called emotions?

The new blog is a new start: vanityandsin@blogspot.com

I don't intend for it to be popular, but I needed a new avenue. A new escape. I haven't had one in a long time. A natural runner - I needed a new place to grow. Making Arizona my home is a big deal for me as my heart breaks and grows. Pain is what makes life liveable...

What works for me isn't the daydream of my youth - it's the hope that I will make it in the future...

Please check out both! The new one is still introductory, so bear with me. But here we go in a New Year - and I am ready for a new ME.

It's not necessarily goodbye - just Hello.

Hilarity..in a Sippy Cup

I am trying to train Aliyah in the wonderful ways of "self-feeding" - and I've never conquered a more interesting adventure! We've conquered finger foods.. I won't dare approach spoon usage yet, and since she is adamant about NOT holding her own bottle - I've moved on to the sippy cup.

Well, what they don't mention on the packaging is the 'mommy-proof' or the "omigodimanidiot" tendencies for new mom users! Or I just had a whopper of a blond moment? I tried the Playtex one this morning since it's a bit simpler to construct than Avent, and couldn't get any water through it. I look under the cap, and there's a nifty plug for the air vent and sippy part - so I innocently remove it, recap, and hand it to my daughter... without testing it of course.

Aliyah proceeds to waddle around with it in her hand giggling, then lays on the floor with it and proceeds to drink. WELL. The water just poured out!! I didn't test the "sucky" function first with the darn plugs! My goober of a daughter decided then to just pour water all over herself while laughing hysterically, and I joined in of course...while running over to save her from the downpour. I wish I would have had this on video..

Maybe there were instructions on the package? I'm not sure - but at least she drinks from the darn thing!!

Best Convo Ever...

I was actually asked by someone recently, "do you ever even consider how I feel?"

Actually, NO. I don't. Because I don't even take into consideration how I feel about it. This is the truth and it was a hilarious conversation, resulting in shots & me getting the, "you're such a DUDE BEA!!"

Well so be it..I'm a dude. And I don't care. I did make sure to reiterate though that if he wanted me to think of his feelings, then bring it the fuck up.

Just so everyone knows (though I know a few of you know this already), my ability to feel and/or express those feelings takes a WHOLE lot, and usually me pissed off. SO - if you really want to get girly and touchy feely, just bring it up and we'll go from there. I've never been that emotional and I probably never will. I may have gotten colder with age - but shit happens? I'm not ashamed of my life or where I've been - but please don't expect me to cuddle and want to express my undying love or some other ridiculous crap.. I gave up on that a LONG LONG time ago.. when I still believed in something. Now I believe in life, living, and learning. Survival and growth are what is important to me. I'm not even in a bad mood as I type! Just about time I express what it is I'm really thinking I guess. I've been here for a while.. since Matt died and I know that. But I like it - and it's honest. I don't want false feelings anymore or hopes and dumb disappointments. I realized I was a romantic waaaay too late, it died, and grew into a cold beast..

Okay - I am kidding on the end point there..(the beast).. But do expect this year to be quite entertaining. I know I sure as hell am.

Here I am 2009!!

Alright ~ what a start to the New Year! Aliyah is walking! Well, she has been walking - but now she is walking on her own & it's awesome. Although her ability to get into stuff is steadily improving? It's exciting though.. we cut our first tooth too!! THAT was a nightmare... I could never go through that again and be okay!

Actually - the whole FT mom thing has worn itself thin and I put her back in daycare - because if I don't, I will most likely rip out my own uterus and never have another child. Point. Blank. Not. Kidding. I have had a helluva time adjusting to all of this as it is - but being home was wonderful, in the: omgcanijustdisappear sort of way. We survived and are back on our "routine" - she sleeps better, we enjoy our company - and I sleep better knowing that I am not horrifically bitter. It just got so hard to have someone up my ass 24/7 and OH did Aliyah know just how to pull mommy's strings! So!! KUDOS to all the stay at home moms who haven't gone completely insane yet!! WHOO!! Though I can totally understand the need of medication.. LOL

I am doing better than a month ago?! I swear, the holidays just completely rip me apart inside. I enjoyed my 2 weeks off of school and relaxed.. Finally making some sense of my so-called "sanity" and ready to take on this year with a hefty handful of 2009 sac. Fuck 2008. Point blank. The high points don't even compete with the low points and I am glad it's gone and OVER. I've never had a more horrible year that should have been more of a blessing! So - I am ready to take it all on - and I'm grrrrr and ready. A few punches in the throat may be necessary, but my fists are worn & ready...

I swear I lost my mind last year and fought tooth and nail to get it back for the majority of the year. I am not completely "solid' just yet I guess - but better than where I was, with a renewed faith in friends, family, and strength... I didn't give up, but I did realize that some things just aren't worth fighting for anymore AND that some things you just need to let go and forget. I have hit yet another new evolvement period I guess - always do? But at least my head isn't screaming at me anymore. Sleepless nights are less and I am optimistic. Optimistic that I am going to kick some ass this year.

It feels good to be back!!!

Frozen by Within Temptation

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold
All colours seem to fade away
I can't reach my soul

I would stop running
If I knew there was a chance
It tears me apart to sacrifice it all
But I'm forced to let go

Tell me I'm frozen
But what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons
I did it for you

When lies turn into truth
I sacrifice for you
You say that I am frozen
But what can I do?

I can feel your sorrow
(I sacrifice)
You won't forgive me
(...)
But I know you'll be alright
(...)
It tears me apart that you will never know
But I have to let go

Tell me I'm frozen
But what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons
I did it for you

When lies turn into truth
I sacrifice for you
You say that I am frozen
But what can I do?

Everything will slip away
Shattered pieces will remain
When memories fade into emptiness
Only time will tell its tale
If it all has been in vain

I can't feel my senses
I just feel the cold

Frozen
But what can I do?
Frozen

Tell me I'm frozen
But what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons
I did it for you

When lies turn into truth
I sacrifice for you
You say that I am frozen, frozen

Happy New Year!

I am a day late... OOPS! I have been in a bit of a fog? Some things have started to come to light that are mildly freaking me out ~ but I am okay. So here soon once my thoughts are in line.. I will welcome 2009 with the Big Bea Bang! and then we'll go from there..

2008 really messed with my head & my heart... But my trooper ass will have no issue working that out. I just received a random call yesterday.. and it was one of those conversations that made me think..and WHO it came from surprisingly made me think possibly more than expected? Just because of who it is, my relationship with him, and the fact that his shy ass hasn't seen me in almost 10 years. An interesting way to begin the year! But insightful & I always love insightful...

Let's take this year by storm!!