Vanity & Sin

In Memory IV

"You Belong to Me" by Bob Dylan

See The Pyramids
Along the Nile
Watch the sun rise
On a tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me...

See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs
And souvenirs
Just remember
'Til your dream appears
You belong to me....

I'll be so alone
Without you
Maybe
You'll be lonesome, too
Maybe
You'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When its wet with rains
Just remember
Till you're home again
Or until I come home to you
You belong to me...

In Loving Memory of my husband, Matthew Williams: 4/12/1980 - 8/22/2005

We danced to this song on our wedding day.. and I played it during his wake. Today I realized just how much the lyrics really meant to me, and how much I still miss him. I hadn't heard this song since 2005. Whatever I may have lost when Matt died, I buried with him. And I am realizing so much about myself and what exactly I lost of me after 4 years, the pain is still so real! I don't know where else to turn anymore and I am still so lost without him...

Countdown Begins!

I am in an amazing hyper-active mood today! I have this geek-like ability to CHEESE when things in my life start to wrap up or get me a healthy break from reality..

2 weeks from today is the sentencing for Matt's killer!! I took the day off to celebrate and am hoping my parents will in town to join me. We'll see, but if not, it's MARTINI'S for me and my girl Rubes..

5 1/2 weeks from now I will be in ILLINOIS for a 4 day vacation / reunion / drink-a-thon!! I cannot WAIT - I am so excited it's ridiculous. I love breaks from my so-called life.. especially back home where I can be with friends. I'm booked and ready to PARTY!!

And I've been eating Good & Plenty's since 8am - so I think the sugar rush is making me giddy.. I don't even eat candy anymore, but they were calling my name.. yum. They're low-cal, so it's all good.

TGIF Blog! More news to come when I can slow down a peg or two..

Amazing

I found the 3 CD's I'd made for Matt's service & wake over the weekend..and put them in today on my way home. Talk about amazing! It ended my day a LOT better..and I couldn't even believe how awesome these were! I haven't listened to them since approximately Dec. 2005...

I love how the little things sneak up on you and make you smile! Even if it is just a couple of CD's..

...I did it...

I've sent in my "pre-sentence" statement report.. I didn't ask for help, I didn't ask for advice. I think I covered everything?

I think I want to vomit and run screaming for the hills. I've never felt more alone in my life.

What is the worst part is taking glances at old journals and blog entries...and realizing that whoever I was back then - and I don't even know anymore - is completely gone. I don't even recognize a lot of the things I wrote and I am almost ashamed to have lost that much of myself over the years. Whoever I was, and whatever part of me loved and believed in the impossible, I fear is gone forever... I don't even know HOW to tap into that part of me. It's gone? Am I really that far gone?

It's so depressing... and I've been a swirling wreck for days and days now. Angry and emotional, and angry.. so angry... My own daughter is rushing to me now when I break down in tears. ...And I get wide-eyed looks from "D".. I am sure he has no clue what to say..but do I really have to put in a request just to get a hug?? That pisses me off in itself. Why can't someone/he/anyone just be strong for ME? Someone besides me... ??

Matt couldn't have been the only one.. could he? Maybe I really have ultimately closed off where I strike fear into those who even want to try...I feel no better than I did 4 months after I buried him, let alone now after 4 years! Damn feelings & memories & heartache all to HELL.

God help me...

School Daze

I must say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my Microeconomics class for school. Who knew?! But it's only fueling my desire for school - and I am so excited! I've narrowed down the top 4 law schools I want to apply to next fall/spring 2011. Two are in California, and the other two are in Iowa City or Chicago.The two in California are the two BEST, most reknowned schools in the country, not only for law - but for International & Comparative Law. The two in the midwest are both well reknowned and best suited for my law degree AND obtaining my Masters. I figure, if I prep myself to apply to all 4 - I will go where the wind may take me!

Fortunately I DO have the support of "D" - he doesn't want to separate far enough to not have Aliyah in either of our lives, so the deal is to apply towards the time period when we can sell our house (2012) and make a profit to relocate us wherever I end up being accepted to. The Midwest is our preference due to family and we'll need the help, I am sure! But he's even open to the idea of Northern California!! Which would be fantabulous. I am on a mission like no other.. we'll see how long this one lasts! I graduate in May 2010 - and I may like not having to study for a while.. Yeah right..

The further I get along in school now for my BS/GBA, the more I obsess about the legal field.

Maybe I've found my calling? Or maybe I've found my next mental escape..