Vanity & Sin

Happy Halloween!

Halloween this year has been interesting! Aliyah dressed as Little Red Riding Hood..at a couple Hershey Bars, ran in circles and crashed into the wall... Trick or Treating was about an hour long in our neighborhood since there aren't many kids and it's gated...though I can't complain since we only wanted to take her to a few houses her first "real" year anyway.

My Yankee's are getting spanked in Philadelphia tonight - Game 3 not so hot of start
Though Alex Rodriguez DID finally hit a ball this series...

And I'm sipping a glass of Reisling, playing around on here with my mind about 2000 miles away..

Isn't life grand?! I think so..I really think so..

Lonely Girl by Oceanlab

Staring at the top sheet
Listening to my heart beat
Wondering how to say it
Playing over one track
Wanting you to come back
Want to have you here

Lying on a cold sheet
Jump into my car seat
Drive down to the river
Nightlight it's reflecting
Somehow I'm expecting
Your voice in my ear

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl

Lying in the long grass
Watching as the clouds pass
Hands held in silence
Your arms right around me
Feeling glad you found me
Feeling like I'm home

Wish you would remember
April to September
Wanting to be near me
Racing for the sunrise
Staring into my eyes
You and I alone

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl

Lay back in my own dream
Playback on a big screen
You and me together
Why give up a love found
Wish that I could write down
What you mean to me

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the things that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl

(So lonely... so lonely... so lonely... so lonely...)

Was it so wrong
No, you said you loved me
Could it be so easy
Just to walk away

Wow. Busy Life...

Things have flipped in such a crazy way - I don't even know when or how it happened. Work is fantastic, in that "holycowarewereallythisbusyovernight" sort of way, and I am still happily progressing through this drift of mental clarity about a lot of aspects of my life. I guess I continually adapt to my surroundings or events, and hardly realize it. I love the activity at work and the fact that I am in charge of 200 positions, I love that my mind isn't so worried anymore about the fact that emotional death was a sad funeral - I'm alive again. I feel incredibly alive!

It's so weird to describe..so I don't know if I'll try yet? But I have realized that events in my life both past and present so easily contribute to who I am today. A bit too easily...and many that I didn't really know about. I think my self-awareness or "clarity" is finally hitting a understandable level. And I'm happy about that. Though I have no clue what to do with it!

So onward with school, focusing on grades to better chances into law school...make the bosses proud and continue kicking butt..and continuing to remain open to this incredibly random doorway that is presenting itself in my life. To be proverbial, it's as though I am standing in front of a place I knew and a place I loved..and I place that I didn't really believe existed. But it's really there, and there's a lot of opportunity there. More than I think I am ready for..but at least I'm not shutting it and locking it? Just sorta looking in and checking things out..I had no idea what was on the other side...

I really like what I am finding.. what the HELL am I going to do?

God am I vague..but I don't know how to really sort this out yet. I'm just glad to be happy & alive again..and I mean REALLY alive.

I'll get there..

"Ghost" by Deepsky

I was a ghost before you came
I was a slave but then I changed
And I will take the good and bad from many
When I am a slave to this again
So leave me alone
Before the strain
Of listening to me
Becomes more
Than you can bear
Or maybe this time we will be fine
Or else tomorrow
Will be lost

I feel you calling me when I am alone
I feel you calling me it's keeping me up
I wanna be with you now

It keeping me
It's keeping me up

There was a force I swear
I thought it'd take me out
And there was a chance that we could go so far
As I look in your eyes
I know that you say
No war no war no more
No more battles to fight in this life

I feel you calling me when I'm alone
I feel you calling me
It's keeping me up
I wanna be with you now
I feel you calling me when I'm alone
Hot nights and moonlight it's keeping me up
I gotta be with you now

Tell me you'll wait till then to find
What races and grates before we explode
And maybe this time we will be fine
And our tomorrow
It won't be lost within this lie

I swear.

I feel you calling me when I'm alone
I feel you calling me
It's keeping me up
I wanna be with you now
I feel you calling me when I'm alone
Hot nights and moonlight it's keeping me up
I gotta be with you now

I discovered this song recently and am seriously obsessed with it as my life is slowly shifting gears.. I think it's time to update my "Sinful Lyrics"..

Crazy

There is some crazy stuff happening right now... the winds of change may be moving too quickly for me to keep up?

While I sort my thoughts, I'll just have to keep my head down and keep trudging along. And work/life in general is so busy, it could be why I am a bit caught off guard.

BUT - I am happy about the changes..or awakening.. Fucking ELATED. And quite surprised?

Update on Law Schools!

Law School - 2011 Apps (International Law)

Northwestern University (Evanston, IL)
University of California, Berkeley (Berkeley, CA)
University of Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Santa Clara University (Silicon Valley, CA)
**Optional 5th School**
University of Iowa (Iowa City, IA)

**Loyola isn't even top 40!! So I guess the possibility of achieving my dream of being a Hawkeye COULD happen?? But it's not a mandatory app. If I can't get into the top 4 - then maybe law school isn't what I need to be doing LOL.

So where were we?

What a year 2009 has been. Yay. (Insert drips of heavy cream o' sarcasm). This year has been a mess. An up and down, completely insane mess. And I the mess has slowly entered my head and my heart. I have never felt more numb, more cold, or more distant. I think a part of me has withdrawn into my own world of self-motivation, self-awareness, and self loathing. I am trying not to loathe, but I am. I'm miserable and desperate for a path out.

The good news is that I have hope.

Hope to me means nothing more than an exit plan I've determined. There is no person that gives hope, no object, no career.. just an exit plan. Or a plan of attack. And I like attack mode.

More good news is that the "opposition" isn't really putting up a fight. We are currently living "separately" within our home (have been for some time now), taking care of our daughter, and he is finally at least entertaining the idea that he really can't provide for himself nor Aliyah without me. All since I've cut off any of my share of help. I'm done. I'm just fed up. We get along great, but there is nothing there. Absolutely nothing but space - that has always been there. And while he refuses to see it, I focus on my GPA, law schools, where and how to relocate - and how to negotiate the custody issue we are soon to be facing.

4 years ago, I claimed 2006 to be MY year. To live on outside of my husband's death, to move on and re-grasp what sanity I could. And I did and got lost... very lost. Now it's time to fix! I am counting down to 2010 with a vengeance, plotting and planning a New Years to remember ALONE, and looking forward to a new start. I hope if I come home those can forgive me for being so far gone for so long. But at least there's time... and if time is too short, at least they know I've been trying.

There's so much I just don't really say, huh? I guess my life is a euphemism at times.. I should've written a book... More to come!!

Just so it's in WRITING

Law School - 2011 Apps (International Law)

Northwestern University (Evanston, IL)
University of California, Berkeley (Berkeley, CA)
University of Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Loyola University (Chicago, IL)
Santa Clara University (Silicon Valley, CA)

And in that order! The top schools in the country WEST of Lake Michigan for International Law. IF I don't go through with this - someone smack the hell out of me.

Hello October...Update Time!

This year has flown by faster than I could have imagined, and I am ready for it to be over! I love fall, the end of the year, and starting a new one! I haven't declared any particular year to be "MY" year in about 4 years...so I believe I am due!

Countdown to graduation and receiving my Bachelors degree is only 5 classes away - May 2010 I am already plotting a huge celebration to commemorate me being the 2nd person in my entire family to graduate from college. Then its on to prep for Law School! So much to do, so much to get ready for the "big change" - which I think is going to be slightly messy if I don't plan things right. Or remain prepared for the worst. It's so hard to have dreams that someone theoretically supports - but we find ourselves drifting even further apart. I called this years ago - and he didn't believe me. I don't know how much more I can sacrifice for the hope that we can get through this.

All I know is that I don't care about anything but my goals and what I need to do for myself to get there, FOR my daughter and our happiness. No man on this earth will stand in my way. I have a mission. And even if my relationship isn't horrible, and he is a good father, it's WAR if he tries to stop me from obtaining my own happiness.

I realized (and have to share) that after 4 years of my husband being buried in the ground, the clarity and discovery I've found in the freedom from the pain that succumbed me all that time is GONE at last - and I let way to much pass me by as I let life lead me. I will never make that mistake again. It's not about love, or loss, it's about life. And I need to get back to living it! Because that's what makes me happy, and I refuse to let my daughter see me as miserable as I've been here in Arizona. EVER. She'll hate me more for that than for the decisions I will have to make in the future. I've already been through that and won't let her go through the same.

So Happy October! The season of Death & Regeneration - and ironically the season for us Scorpios..