Vanity & Sin

I had a dream...

And it freaked me out so bad I woke up almost shrieking, angry as hell, and shaking..

What woke me up was dreaming about a text message that read:
"Quit dorkin' around with Derek and get your ass out of Arizona NOW!!! Before you go insane without me =P With Love... ________"

Left blank intentionally.

How crazy is that?! Before that, I don't really remember anything. It was a crazy dream, but all I remember was reading that and feeling like someone was literally yanking me back to reality. And I woke up so furious, it set the course for the day.

The good news is I put new fall flowers out on Matt's grave and it looks BEAUTIFUL! And I cried a lot today.. and I told Derek to just fuck off today too. His response to my 7am wake up call (though I did NOT share the details of what the dream was), was that "you sound homesick"... Really? Are you catching on? Or did 3 visits in one year last year finally give you a clue?

So we're debating selling the house next summer because I graduate in August. Damn the man damn school for shafting me 3 months of extra classes because they jacked up my schedule..but maybe that works just fine too.

And it's official. Holidays in Arizona are OVER. This was the worst holiday ever..aside from my Thanksgiving dinner being amazing! It's been nothing shy of depressing, and I'd really like to get back to my friends and family for the holidays. My "real" family..not the self-created image I live in currently. And Aliyah's coming too...you can count on that.

I'm REALLY ready for 2010. It's going to be MY year, and I am going to make sure I claim it right this time.

....for you Derek...

Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Moron Conversations V.3

Idiot: What I do is none of your business or Aliyah's..even when she's older, I'll hide it from her

Me: Don't you think you should consider setting an example for your child?

Idiot: It's not like she'll know..unless you tell her..

Me: I don't and WON'T have to tell her.. when she's a teen and wanting to experiment, I'm sure she'll figure out that her father is doing the same, and think its okay.

Idiot: But she won't know... not til she's in her 20s

Me: Are you SERIOUS? You really think that she won't catch on? You think your lifestyle choices won't be obvious sooner?

Idiot: No. I don't. And I don't see why it bothers you..

Me: It bothers me because it's MY daughter. And she's going to be raised by two parents who are on absolute different realms of responsibility.. That's why it fucking bothers me. I'd rather raise her with someone who BELIEVES in raising a child right, at least it's 2 against 1..

Idiot: I'd find someone not like YOU that would be fun to be with and raise Aliyah in not such an insanely strict environment...It'd be better for her to not have someone so uptight..

Me:... (huff)...(growl).. Are you KIDDING ME!?!?!?! This is exactly why I don't want to be with you and could give two shits what you do. I have enough evidence against you and your stupid habits to take her from you forever.. you're an idiot

Idiot: You can't take her from me.. you're too high strung and stressed to let a judge let you keep her..

Me: And that's exactly why I don't like you and don't ever want to have any more children. Breeding with idiots is a suicide mission.. You can go fuck yourself.

Idiot: I already did.. I quit for 7mos and you didn't change..

Me: Because I don't care if you change.. I just don't care...

Some Random Thoughts..

I want what I cannot have...
I can't save even those who mean the most..
I don't want to be the "healer"...
I've lost more than I wanted..
I know I'm alive inside again..
I'm playing with fire..
I'm not afraid to be..
I don't believe in anything or anyone who cannot fight for what they believe in...
I believe passion is the glue that holds us together..
I'm passionate for life and living...
I could be falling into a dangerous realm of happiness...
I despise those who feel misery is content..
I won't fail..I promised my daughter...
Feelings are meant to be shared..
Feelings have been shared with me..
I will destroy what does not suit me..
My desire to go home is more than its ever been..
I'm still afraid to go back..
I'll always keep my distance..
I'm strategic in all aspects of my life..
No one can break me..
But one might..one just might..
What am I waiting for?
I still believe that happiness exists out there for me..
I'll fight until I get what I want..
I won't fail..I cannot fail..
Too many are counting on me..

I've re-entered a place I had forgotten existed within myself, and I will fuel this until the experience from it I learn from and move on. What it takes to awaken me is almost magical..at least it feels that way to me. My own mother said she envied my strength, my balls, and my ability to close off - and that anyone who could break through that deserves to be there..

Not many have stepped up to that plate, and I won't wait for them anymore...

"Can't Hold Back" by Bellatrax (with Tina Cousins)

(You got me turning my in skin...)

I don't know why you got me turning in my skin,
But I can't find,
Find a way to let you go.
This double life is getting me so down,
If I fall back I'll drown,
Drown me out without a trace.

(Its what you do that turns me on)
I think of you when I'm alone,
(Its what you do that turns me on)
When I'm not with you I always feel alone.
(Its everything I want you too)

[Chorus]
Can't hold back the time when you are gone,
(But I don't want your love)
Can't turn back and hide if I am wrong.
(But I don't want your love)
Can't hold back the times when you are gone,
(But I don't want your love)
Can't turn back and hide if I am wrong.
(But I can't come back)

(But I don't want your love)
When I'm not with you, When I'm not with you.
When I'm not with you, When I'm not with you.

This open water dragging me right down,
If I let go I'll drown,
Drown so deep I'll see your face.
(Its what you do that turns me on)
I think of you when I'm alone,
(Its what you do that turns me on)
When I'm not with you I always feel alone.
(Its everything I want you too)

Can't hold back the time when you are gone,
(But I don't want your love)
Can't turn back and hide if I am wrong.
(But I don't want your love)
Can't hold back the times when you are gone,
(But I don't want your love)
Can't turn back and hide if I am wrong.
(But I can't come back)
Can't hold back the times when you are gone,
(But I don't want your love)
Can't turn back and hide if I am wrong.
(But I can't come back)

[Ending]
(But I don't want your love)
(But I can't have your love)

You got me turning my in skin,
(When I'm not with you)
But I don't want your love
(When I'm not with you)
(When I'm not with you)
But I can't come back.

...I'm Just...

Tired and confused...
Not sure what to say...
Ready for a new beginning...
and so angry I can't run away

I feel like I am going crazy..I really hate that my life is so freaky like this. But I want to do the right thing for my daughter. In the process of what I think that IS, I know I am going to rip apart her father. But sometimes reality is the best way to do that, the worst reality, but better in the long run? Right?

Can I just sell my house, get my money back and leave? Is it really that easy? As mean as people think I am, I actually think a lot more thoroughly than they may assume. Maybe that's the problem.

AND THEN on top of all this, I am walking a fine, weak line, that I really hope is all a bunch of b.s. Well, I sort of don't. I just feel so out of control because I guess I may be allowing myself to just exist for once in my life - and I'm enjoying it! And I'm not worried..I'm happy, laughing, ALIVE. I really need to pull the trigger, and I'm so afraid of the wound I am going cause. But then I don't care so much about that anymore either.

I just need to get my Bachelor's..that's my goal. That's it. Then I'll have that HUGE brick off my back and will able to think straight. I miss my husband more than ever - and for the first heart-sore time in a few years. I think about him so much because he's the last person to see ME alive..as I was for him. And I wish he could see me now and just put his foot down and handle things.. I know he'd be happy for me and tell me to just "risk it all." Because it'd be worth it. I know changing my life would be SO worth it.. but damn is it scary! Especially as a mom! Maybe as a mom I just overthink.. but at least I have law school as my ultimate out. There's no changing that.. I have to go..

Or maybe I just need to be swept away...

Kickin Butt!

I've hired over 200 people in 8 days for some good ol' government work - so now I can finally pull back a bit and NOT work so insanely. It's been an insane two weeks, but fabulous. I am finally getting some deserved recognition and respect from the "powers that be."

My birthday came and went in a flash! I did celebrate and had a great time, but then it was back to work.. I definitely don't mind staying busy since the home life is so funky. I just don't understand sometimes how a video game is more important than paying the agreed half of daycare each week, but maybe something is wrong with me?

OH I KNOW. And believe me..I had my moment at 5:30am this morning. And got my money.

It's been such a crazy time, and I know that things will keep a steady crazy pace the next few weeks, but as the year comes to a close, it should be an easier pace. The good news is that the moron conversations are continuing.. and at this present time we are on "halt" since he is deciding whether or not he wants to relocate to the midwest with me. Reason being: he likes it in AZ, he loves the house, I want to keep the house 3-5 years to maximize $$, but he doesn't want to do that if "I'm not here with him." Frankly I don't care.

And yes: I am actually venting my business. LOL I never do anywhere else..so I'm trying something new! Vagueness doesn't really quite get it off my chest?

So the argument isn't negative - or as bad as it COULD be. BUT, there are a lot of changes at stake as well as money, and our daughter. So I guess it's going to get really interesting? But I have a good feeling that I am going to get exactly what I want. Because there just are no options here.. I want a LIFE and I want it NOW. And he knows it, and knows I'll trample him to get there..

All in good time! So moron conversations to commence! This should be interesting..

Moron Conversations V.2

Idiot: I just don't understand...

Me: Don't understand what? The fact that I'm miserable and am frustrated because I want to move forward with my life? That remaining stagnant is suffocating me?

Idiot: Well you always have such high goals, and I don't think I am any part of them!

Me: You are the father of my child, so you're actually considered in ALL of my thoughts and actions on how this will impact her..

Idiot: So you're just going to take her and everything I have and make me go live back home with my parents??

Me: Are you serious?! Why the HELL would you even think that? I wasn't even suggesting that you do that..

Idiot: Well then how the hell are we supposed to raise our child 2000 miles apart? It just doesn't work that way. It's not like you want to go to law school in Flagstaff where I can just drive up on the weekends and pick her up..

Me: Good point..and that's where I'm stuck..how are we going to do this? I can't take her from you..it would be awful for all 3 of us.

Idiot: Well then I guess we'll just have to go with you wherever you go..

Me:...is that going to work for you?

Idiot: My life has been nothing but miserable, and you will only make it more miserable if I don't..

Me: Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous.. guess I'm the bad guy since I want to grow up and have a career and provide a LIFE for my daughter.

Idiot: Bea, if you're miserable..the whole world knows..the sky knows, the devil knows - and he runs and hides..you'll rip me apart if I try to fight you for her, and you know you'll win. I guess this is just something we've got to do.

Me: And there's nothing you want? You think you don't have a say?!

Idiot: Nope, you're a "breaker"...I won't win anyway

(Side note: this conversation actually had a great ending..that since I returned to school in 2006, I have become more and more driven and focused and unable to relax. And that I'm not well liked when I'm not relaxed. So I did reiterate that I can't really do that here since I have so much to be responsible for. BUT it was probably the best thing I could of heard because he was exactly right..I don't relax. Not in AZ. Not anymore.. not in just about 4 years. And the best statement ever was..." at least when you drink, you finally relax, and I really like you then." You can imagine the fury in my response.. just imagine..)

Side Note:

Moron Conversations is going to be my new hobby.. these have been going on for WEEKS and I've had it.. This first entry took place after a healthy falling out over a month ago when I decided to "live" separately in my own home with my daughter's father..

After the FIRST time I was told he preferred the "Social Bea" and that I was changing after Matt's case ended.. And prequel to this V.1 is my reiteration that our relationship is dead..and has been for at least 2 years..

But he doesn't quite see that. I just want documentation for record..just in case I need a GOOD laugh in a few years...

Freakin Mook - that's what Matt woulda said..

Moron Conversation V.1

Me: I haven't in almost 4 years found a single reason to stay other than every crisis after crisis that comes up that seems to hold us together..for another year...for another year to not like each other..

Idiot: We I haven't really liked you since you got pregnant, I fell in love with the "Social Bea"..you've changed and haven't put me first ever since..

Me: I NEVER put you first..and the "Social Bea" you DO realize was a grieving widow who had no care in the world? Maybe becoming a MOTHER became more important? Do you even see that?

Idiot: So what are you saying?

Me: I'm saying you're a fool for thinking I was going to be that ONE person forever..or did you not want me to heal and get over my husband?

Idiot: Well of course I wanted that to go away..but I also want to be able to go out a lot more - I think we'll be okay if I file bankruptcy and have money to take you out? Don't you?

Me: ....sooo you are saying we need to go out and have a social life to have a relationship? WHAT about the FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF A RELATIONSHIP OF TWO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKING EACH OTHER?? I don't have to be your WOMAN to hang out and have a good time - I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU! And you've admitted several times you don't like the "new me"

Idiot: Well ever since your husband's case ended, you've been more honest about a lot of stuff, and I don't really like hearing those things.. You've changed since that has all ended...I don't know who you are anymore..

Me: (STARE)...exit to back yard..with cigarettes & sweet tea vodka..

...TO BE CONTINUED...