Vanity & Sin

The Calm Following the Storm

Things have calmed pleasantly the past few weeks..luckily. I was pre-nuclear and I believe that may have been observed. Having finally set a "move" date has helped a lot, but most likely because it's been moved back. Fortunately, someone's assumption of okay has been modified to know to leave me the hell alone and stay on his side of the ring. That I can say has been my biggest challenge of the year so far. And I win.

More excited about Graduation coming up in JUNE! I'm really excited, I've worked so hard for this - and that's all I have left here to wrap up. Couldn't work it another way, but it worked out for the best. Two more classes until I am completely finished..I cannot even describe my excitement! Someday soon, I'll have nothing to do in my free time..except prep for law school, but that can be at my regulation rather than be a requirement.

I am looking forward to change more than anything I ever have before. Took long enough but I'm so glad to have the strength to see it through. It's countdown time!!

So Glad its April

What a horridly eventful first 4 months the year has turned out to be. But I don't care and I won't let it phase me either. This is still going to be MY year, and I don't care what I have to do to get out of this mess. Would you believe it's possible for me to get yelled at out of left field, keep my mouth shut, and just remind myself why I need to leave in 6 weeks or so? Yeah. I didn't say a word, although someone SURE was apologetic the next day when he sobered the hell up.

I cannot believe that my life has come to this and I'm done with Moron Convos for now... though they are funny at times for me to look back at. My mom actually said I've found the "real" Warden..and I think she's right. But the he speaks to me is the same way my father spoke to my mother and I cannot STAND it.

The great news is - I love having motivation! Be a prick and I'll happily know and always remember exactly why I'm leaving, why I left, and why I know I never belonged here in the first place. We can always TRY - doesn't mean we have to always win. This is one loss I am more than happy to have achieved.

Oh yeah, and Happy Easter.

Moron Conversations V.6

Me: I don't think its a good idea if we go to the company spring training game for my work since we've been fighting so badly. It just doesn't seem like it's working anymore and I'm tired of having to live this "image."

Idiot: I'm tired of having to play nice just to go with you to a function. If we go then we are friends and that's no big deal. But if I don't, then people are going to ask questions why its just you going to everything by yourself. I'm not allowed to go because YOU feel uncomfortable? I don't think that's fair and I feel left out.

Me: Wait a sec..this is for MY job and why are we going to continue these "appearances" - just because we have mutual friends and you know my co-workers?

Idiot: Well I'm tired of you getting the invites to everything for US and now you don't want me to go..

Me: The invite was to ME because I'm the employee. I don't want you to go to MY work function because we're fighting and I'm TIRED of living a lie for a social image!!

Idiot: What's happening here is that I'm becoming a free sitter for you to have a social life!

Me: That's complete BULLSHIT. I never go out, all I do is study, and the first time I EVER ask you NOT to go because we are fighting horribly right now, you are completely cut off and left out? This ONE time? This FIRST time? You've got to be kidding me..

Idiot: Yep, well go to all the functions you want...I'll be the free dad-sitter and now you're daughter will never go to you first because she'll never know who you are since you're obsessed with your schooling and career..

Me: < gritting my teeth > < deep breath > I cannot believe you can say that to me in that smiling tone of voice.. We made this choice TOGETHER when I got pregnant and you wanted me to stay in school when I wanted to drop out..

Idiot: Whatever Bea.. Our daughter will keep coming to me as long as you keep making me miserable and are too busy for us, you made your choice..

Me: < Leave the room >

Yeah, that really happened..

On the girly side...

"I'd love to hear exactly what your thinking, your thoughts are mine..."

That is being recorded as the official 1st "WOW" statement of the year. That was actually said to me today.

WOW? WHY?

Well I'll put it like this. It's been a long time since anyone even freaking asked me. And I can flat out say I don't even know how to express my thoughts if they aren't of urgent, business-like nature. I just don't. But I love the fact that for this I am willing to try? I guess I do love a challenge, but this challenge is more of getting in touch with myself.. the self that is alive and breathing, reawakened, and probably in shock that I am even here right now.

God, I am playing with fire...and liking it.

Moron Conversations V.4

Me: Are you high?

Idiot: ....

Me: Well I can tell.. does that means that you're driving around with it in your car?

Idiot: ...well yeah...

Me: And what does that mean if I wouldn't have been able to pick up our daughter today?

Idiot: Well..uh..I could have got her..

Me: You could have NOT got her! What happens if you get pulled over?

Idiot: Nothing, I just get a ticket..

Me: Um..no. Not in AZ buddy. You go directly to JAIL. Then you get a Class 6 Felony to start with.. What do you think happens to our daughter? You think they just wait for me to show up to pick her up when they arrest you?

Idiot: ....

Me: I'm not your mother, but your officially removed from picking her up or dropping her off EVER at daycare. I won't have my child in a vehicle with you if you're being that stupid.

Idiot: I've been working a lot of hours, and I've just been bringing it with in case I work late..

Me: Does that mean it was in your car on Monday when you were off and picked her up? How often is it in your car?

Idiot: Um..I don't know..no, of course I didn't Monday..

Me: Well I saw your stupid eyeballs when I got home AND you decided to go grocery shopping after a WHOLE day off work at 5pm WITH her - so I know you did at some point. Don't you ever pick her up again, otherwise I'm calling the cops.

Idiot: You can't do that! I won't, I promise!

Me: I don't care. I don't trust you, and if you DO pick her up, I'll get a court order to keep you from transporting her in a vehicle. You're a fucking idiot.

Idiot: ... can I go change now?

Had to share this interesting conversation.. I literally felt like I was talking to my daughter's big brother..her 16yr old brother and not her father. This was last night, and I didn't even flip out - I'm in full "mom mode" I guess.. jeezus. More to come! It's all sorts of fun at my house!

I love clarity..it's been a long time...

...I'm Just...

Tired and confused...
Not sure what to say...
Ready for a new beginning...
and so angry I can't run away

I feel like I am going crazy..I really hate that my life is so freaky like this. But I want to do the right thing for my daughter. In the process of what I think that IS, I know I am going to rip apart her father. But sometimes reality is the best way to do that, the worst reality, but better in the long run? Right?

Can I just sell my house, get my money back and leave? Is it really that easy? As mean as people think I am, I actually think a lot more thoroughly than they may assume. Maybe that's the problem.

AND THEN on top of all this, I am walking a fine, weak line, that I really hope is all a bunch of b.s. Well, I sort of don't. I just feel so out of control because I guess I may be allowing myself to just exist for once in my life - and I'm enjoying it! And I'm not worried..I'm happy, laughing, ALIVE. I really need to pull the trigger, and I'm so afraid of the wound I am going cause. But then I don't care so much about that anymore either.

I just need to get my Bachelor's..that's my goal. That's it. Then I'll have that HUGE brick off my back and will able to think straight. I miss my husband more than ever - and for the first heart-sore time in a few years. I think about him so much because he's the last person to see ME alive..as I was for him. And I wish he could see me now and just put his foot down and handle things.. I know he'd be happy for me and tell me to just "risk it all." Because it'd be worth it. I know changing my life would be SO worth it.. but damn is it scary! Especially as a mom! Maybe as a mom I just overthink.. but at least I have law school as my ultimate out. There's no changing that.. I have to go..

Or maybe I just need to be swept away...

Moron Conversations V.2

Idiot: I just don't understand...

Me: Don't understand what? The fact that I'm miserable and am frustrated because I want to move forward with my life? That remaining stagnant is suffocating me?

Idiot: Well you always have such high goals, and I don't think I am any part of them!

Me: You are the father of my child, so you're actually considered in ALL of my thoughts and actions on how this will impact her..

Idiot: So you're just going to take her and everything I have and make me go live back home with my parents??

Me: Are you serious?! Why the HELL would you even think that? I wasn't even suggesting that you do that..

Idiot: Well then how the hell are we supposed to raise our child 2000 miles apart? It just doesn't work that way. It's not like you want to go to law school in Flagstaff where I can just drive up on the weekends and pick her up..

Me: Good point..and that's where I'm stuck..how are we going to do this? I can't take her from you..it would be awful for all 3 of us.

Idiot: Well then I guess we'll just have to go with you wherever you go..

Me:...is that going to work for you?

Idiot: My life has been nothing but miserable, and you will only make it more miserable if I don't..

Me: Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous.. guess I'm the bad guy since I want to grow up and have a career and provide a LIFE for my daughter.

Idiot: Bea, if you're miserable..the whole world knows..the sky knows, the devil knows - and he runs and hides..you'll rip me apart if I try to fight you for her, and you know you'll win. I guess this is just something we've got to do.

Me: And there's nothing you want? You think you don't have a say?!

Idiot: Nope, you're a "breaker"...I won't win anyway

(Side note: this conversation actually had a great ending..that since I returned to school in 2006, I have become more and more driven and focused and unable to relax. And that I'm not well liked when I'm not relaxed. So I did reiterate that I can't really do that here since I have so much to be responsible for. BUT it was probably the best thing I could of heard because he was exactly right..I don't relax. Not in AZ. Not anymore.. not in just about 4 years. And the best statement ever was..." at least when you drink, you finally relax, and I really like you then." You can imagine the fury in my response.. just imagine..)

Moron Conversation V.1

Me: I haven't in almost 4 years found a single reason to stay other than every crisis after crisis that comes up that seems to hold us together..for another year...for another year to not like each other..

Idiot: We I haven't really liked you since you got pregnant, I fell in love with the "Social Bea"..you've changed and haven't put me first ever since..

Me: I NEVER put you first..and the "Social Bea" you DO realize was a grieving widow who had no care in the world? Maybe becoming a MOTHER became more important? Do you even see that?

Idiot: So what are you saying?

Me: I'm saying you're a fool for thinking I was going to be that ONE person forever..or did you not want me to heal and get over my husband?

Idiot: Well of course I wanted that to go away..but I also want to be able to go out a lot more - I think we'll be okay if I file bankruptcy and have money to take you out? Don't you?

Me: ....sooo you are saying we need to go out and have a social life to have a relationship? WHAT about the FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF A RELATIONSHIP OF TWO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKING EACH OTHER?? I don't have to be your WOMAN to hang out and have a good time - I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU! And you've admitted several times you don't like the "new me"

Idiot: Well ever since your husband's case ended, you've been more honest about a lot of stuff, and I don't really like hearing those things.. You've changed since that has all ended...I don't know who you are anymore..

Me: (STARE)...exit to back yard..with cigarettes & sweet tea vodka..

...TO BE CONTINUED...

Crazy

There is some crazy stuff happening right now... the winds of change may be moving too quickly for me to keep up?

While I sort my thoughts, I'll just have to keep my head down and keep trudging along. And work/life in general is so busy, it could be why I am a bit caught off guard.

BUT - I am happy about the changes..or awakening.. Fucking ELATED. And quite surprised?

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Weekend!!

I am through the ROOF elated about my past weekend in Illinois! I had the most surprisingly wonderful time, saw people I haven't seen in years...and honestly some I never thought I'd see again! I wish I'd had spent more time at the reunion, but I think small doses of me are working out JUST fine for now for some LOL. I put in a good 3 hours though - it was INCREDIBLE!!

Thank you so much to Lari & Bonnie for putting this all together last minute.. You saved the day!! And if we do this again - you better BELIEVE I'll be there in an instant. But somehow I know you do! Ha.

And now for the next adventure... Law school can't come quick enough!! And all the adventures in between

This whirlwind...called "Life"

It's been an insane 2 weeks. Point blank. I must first say though that...IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!! 8/28 I watched the man that killed my husband get sentenced and sent to prison for a very long time. The details I will have to go over in person (for those that are curious) because people forget he pled guilty after all these years, and took a plea agreement. However, the plea agreement met my standards, so I can't complain. I'm not bitter - I'm at peace.

This whole event has been pretty insane. I just received the pre-sentence report yesterday (my copy), and it felt so good to receive that! It wasn't vague at all, very detailed, and included my statement. Everything went to the judge, and I must say that when I stood up at the podium to speak to the court that day - I felt so good to finally be able to say my piece. The judge has even lengthened my time frame to seek restitution! I had told them that I wasn't going to - but in court, in front of everyone - he told me he'd extend it 90 days solely because of what I've been through, and my statement was really moving - and I deserved something. Thankfully due to my statement, the one change to the plea agreement was that it was changed to an 'aggravated' sentence - meaning the guy is screwed if he messes up in prison or out of it in 22 years. And he is not eligible for parole EVER in any of those 22 years.

The sigh of relief I had when I left the courthouse with my parents was like releasing a breath 4 years in the making! I cried with joy, I laughed - felt YOUNGER than I have in years.. and celebrated with 4 Washington Apples - one for each year I've spent living through this. It was a great weekend. The cloud that was hovering over me all these years is gone! Completely gone! I have never felt so FREE. I don't even know how to describe it.

So may Matt rest in peace at last!! Although I know he wasn't hovering around haunting us or anything - my may I rest in peace at last too..

Amazing

I found the 3 CD's I'd made for Matt's service & wake over the weekend..and put them in today on my way home. Talk about amazing! It ended my day a LOT better..and I couldn't even believe how awesome these were! I haven't listened to them since approximately Dec. 2005...

I love how the little things sneak up on you and make you smile! Even if it is just a couple of CD's..

...I did it...

I've sent in my "pre-sentence" statement report.. I didn't ask for help, I didn't ask for advice. I think I covered everything?

I think I want to vomit and run screaming for the hills. I've never felt more alone in my life.

What is the worst part is taking glances at old journals and blog entries...and realizing that whoever I was back then - and I don't even know anymore - is completely gone. I don't even recognize a lot of the things I wrote and I am almost ashamed to have lost that much of myself over the years. Whoever I was, and whatever part of me loved and believed in the impossible, I fear is gone forever... I don't even know HOW to tap into that part of me. It's gone? Am I really that far gone?

It's so depressing... and I've been a swirling wreck for days and days now. Angry and emotional, and angry.. so angry... My own daughter is rushing to me now when I break down in tears. ...And I get wide-eyed looks from "D".. I am sure he has no clue what to say..but do I really have to put in a request just to get a hug?? That pisses me off in itself. Why can't someone/he/anyone just be strong for ME? Someone besides me... ??

Matt couldn't have been the only one.. could he? Maybe I really have ultimately closed off where I strike fear into those who even want to try...I feel no better than I did 4 months after I buried him, let alone now after 4 years! Damn feelings & memories & heartache all to HELL.

God help me...

A Somber Note

I have no idea how the hell to tackle this statement for the sentencing.. And I have to turn it in within the next week or so for the Judge to review prior to the actual sentencing date.

Can I request a hole for me to sit in one day to just write it and let it all out? Just being hypothetical there.. I need permission from myself I swear to just open up a bit!! I think I am literally silently panicked for the emotion that is going to come out.. I can already feel it, and it makes me angry. I think I have needed this for a long time, but wow, do things happen at the most random times! I've tried so hard not to feel for so long, the idea of it makes me want to hyperventilate and puke.

Yeah, I know I'm strong and that I can do this.. but there is a huge part of me that just does not want to. Maybe I'm more worried about the fact that it will finally be over, and my pain can finally heal..that part of me that died too can finally be set free..

I think I need this more than anything..

Be warned to my few good friends - I am going to be turning to you to proofread and make sure I didn't leave anything out. I have a tendency to become vague and distant when I write about my true feelings, and I need your professional, friendly, don't hold back opinions! I know it may suck, but I don't want my only chance to share how I feel to this person who killed Matt and finally admitted it, courtroom, and judge, to be clouded by my natural ability to back off emotionally. And I know I can trust you to see through the fog I create around my heart. So get ready!

Okay, that's my pep talk of the day.. I can barely breathe thinking about it..

Dreams & Things..

Or something along those lines... I have a few! And I am wondering if I can get there. One will involve a lengthy application to the "powers that be" at Loyola or University of Iowa, and the other will be relocation back to the Midwest... and the final.. taking my daughter and doing it. Hypothetically, someone partially agrees.. but he's not aware of all the money I socked away for a rainy day.. or a pissed of day. Damn boundaries of parenthood!

So yes... I want to go to Law School. And not the frou frou craptacular crud of ASU. I mean LAW SCHOOL for International Law, and I want a school that is meant for that. And my only options are California, Chicago, Iowa City or some east coast hell hole that I won't go near because that's past my boundaries of Lake Michigan. I am contemplating taking a year off from school, but I may not. I don't know yet. But I do know the Midwest will be graced with my presence in the next few years.

8 years in AZ has been way too long. And I am excited about hopefully getting into law school! I figure, if I already gave it all up in my past...stomped, pounded, and crushed my way away from the things I wanted then.. why not do what I need to do to fulfill MY dreams? I don't see anything wrong with that.. not at all.

I'm a happy woman. I love change..but I love change with a light at the end of the tunnel..

And then I found this...

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing, is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”

...I think I'm screwed, lost, or REALLY lost and I don't even know if it matters... to me.

I'm Back..

I wrote this about 2-3 months ago and found it in my drafts.. I couldn't post it on my new blog, and wasn't sure where else to turn - so it's here.. I can't say I feel the same now, but pretty close. I'm freaking miserable... It's a "down" day...

I think too much. Too much, and too often. But I think it's healthy and needed to make sense of some of the events in my life, changes, and sacrifices made to be where I am at today. There are so many times where I feel so desperate for answers, so hopeless, yet so determined to fix it and not live my life in a realm of false pretense and unhappiness. I remember a time in my life of being and feeling so free - so motivated to strive for my own individual happiness, that I felt nothing could stop me. Over the years so many things have happened, and not happened, that have defined who I am today, and who I have chosen not to be.

I can't say that I am entirely content with those thoughts or feelings. I can't say that I am happy with where I am. I am constantly seeking more, more to life, more to its meaning...and saying goodbye to so many things that at one point my heart may have wanted. The sacrifices I am learning that I have made in recent years haven't stemmed from material things, but from my most deep thoughts and emotions. I haven't determined exactly why, but I do know that I grew tired of fighting for everything. I didn't see the point anymore. I fought too hard and too long to be constantly handed nothing but disappointment and loss. Certain events have changed me forever, and there's a part of me I will never get back - nor even want to. I don't believe anymore in the things that meant so much me so long ago. I stopped believing that it should be ME to make the sacrifices when no one would ever do the same for me. I live now solely for my daughter and my success...and that's it. The rest is all for show.

I can't say that I am saddened, and I long for at times the wishful thinking I used to have. But it's easier to accept it the way it is rather than hope for the impossible. I don't want my daughter to grow up with an unhappy mommy, so I have found that rather than look for love and peace in relationships - I will do what I have to do for me, myself, and her. That's all that matters. What does worry me is how will that impact her? How will my decisions now affect her when she is a teenager and learning things about love and loss? Will my views alter her ability to obtain happiness?

I can't pinpoint the change in myself, but I could write out a list of events that I know impacted it. And what is almost scary, is how content I am with this reality... it almost brings me the peace I've been seeking knowing I don't have to hope anymore for solace in the arms of another.

What I DO wish for though is that my daughter's father could accept this reality and just get a clue.. he is one of my best friends, but has no idea who I am, wanted to be, or wish to be. And to try is hopeless because he just doesn't get it..we have nothing in common aside from our daughter, our social life, and our social goals. I feel no peace..I feel no connection... I feel absolutely nothing.

Update..for my few readers

Alright everyone ~ wanted to fill you in if you haven't figured it out already?

I am buying a home in Arizona! WHOO!! I am excited...

Why, you may ask?

Well let's just say the past 7 years have been a doozy.. full of hopes, dreams, disappointments, and most of all - the disappointment in love.

I am a woman of consistency, determination, and devotion. I have found none of that since I buried my husband until I told Derek he had no other choice but to leave or step up. I am not one who is fond of nonsense, but I am dedicated to my daughter. I have even considered deleting this blog altogether to begin my new one. I haven't due to the history I have here - the last place of any glimpse of my soul or heartfelt emotions. I have been through a lot here and hope to share more. I will always need an outlet for my so-called emotions?

The new blog is a new start: vanityandsin@blogspot.com

I don't intend for it to be popular, but I needed a new avenue. A new escape. I haven't had one in a long time. A natural runner - I needed a new place to grow. Making Arizona my home is a big deal for me as my heart breaks and grows. Pain is what makes life liveable...

What works for me isn't the daydream of my youth - it's the hope that I will make it in the future...

Please check out both! The new one is still introductory, so bear with me. But here we go in a New Year - and I am ready for a new ME.

It's not necessarily goodbye - just Hello.

Best Convo Ever...

I was actually asked by someone recently, "do you ever even consider how I feel?"

Actually, NO. I don't. Because I don't even take into consideration how I feel about it. This is the truth and it was a hilarious conversation, resulting in shots & me getting the, "you're such a DUDE BEA!!"

Well so be it..I'm a dude. And I don't care. I did make sure to reiterate though that if he wanted me to think of his feelings, then bring it the fuck up.

Just so everyone knows (though I know a few of you know this already), my ability to feel and/or express those feelings takes a WHOLE lot, and usually me pissed off. SO - if you really want to get girly and touchy feely, just bring it up and we'll go from there. I've never been that emotional and I probably never will. I may have gotten colder with age - but shit happens? I'm not ashamed of my life or where I've been - but please don't expect me to cuddle and want to express my undying love or some other ridiculous crap.. I gave up on that a LONG LONG time ago.. when I still believed in something. Now I believe in life, living, and learning. Survival and growth are what is important to me. I'm not even in a bad mood as I type! Just about time I express what it is I'm really thinking I guess. I've been here for a while.. since Matt died and I know that. But I like it - and it's honest. I don't want false feelings anymore or hopes and dumb disappointments. I realized I was a romantic waaaay too late, it died, and grew into a cold beast..

Okay - I am kidding on the end point there..(the beast).. But do expect this year to be quite entertaining. I know I sure as hell am.

Best Movie Ever...

"What Dreams May Come"

What's wrong with the idea that your soul mate rescues you after you're both dead? AND you get a second chance?

Maybe it's the connection I feel with the wife/mother every time she cries in this one.. I've seen that in my own reflection too often in life..?? Maybe because my soul is wandering somewhere waiting to be rescued...

Maybe because I am dead already...

Beat...

I am definitely feeling completely beat... Between work, school, mommyhood, and life in general - I am just exhausted. What is scary is that I keep on going, and going, and going. I am beginning to wonder if there is a way for me to even stop and breathe on a regular basis? At some point something's gotta give - but will it even be me?

I don't even know how I am managing all this... I sometimes just wish I could shatter into pieces. But I know that weakness isn't exactly my forte...

I can't wait til I can be 'still' again ~ and it's coming. Even if its brief, any moment that I can find to be at peace inside...I'm taking it. I need it.

F*%$ if I Know!!

*Anything about 'blogging'
*Why some people just DON'T grasp reality very well
*Or why company's outsource to people who don't speak nor comprehend English for American, English speaking customers...

Amazing. Is it Friday yet?

Thinking Out Loud...

I have a lot on my mind right now ~ so I need to do a bit of rambling. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with cancer just recently - and I am having difficulty coming to terms with the situation. She is 25 years old, divorced with 2 sons - who are just amazing kids. She's had a hard life, and I think that is where she and I connected the strongest. She's been busting her ass for her boys and getting her life together...to get diagnosed with cancer.

Now, I've had my share of hard times myself - and no one can compare their woes to others because the effects of how traumatic events change our lives is different for everyone. She knew my husband, and was even at his funeral. And now I could be going to hers. That bothers me in ways I can't explain. I am staying as positive as I can, but today we were told that it is a very rare form of cancer and extremely aggressive. She's already had her Med-tube thing put in for her Chemotherapy to start - but no doctor has given a straight answer - because they have no answers. They don't know what it is - just cancer. And not good.

Since having my daughter, my life has changed completely. I have never felt more unselfish, more devoted, and more 'open' than ever before in my life. Something happened to me I guess when I became a 'mom'.. There's been a lot of changes, and especially a lot of self-realization. I know who I am now. I have a purpose. I'm hopeful..I can dream again. Whoever I was searching for all these years..is here. I have turned my back on so many people, people I've loved - people I've hated..solely to discover myself and get my head on straight. It's been a long, painful road to get here..but here I am. While I do have much ahead to conquer, I don't feel like I am fighting anymore. I'd lost everything only to gain more than I ever imagined back again... How am I so fortunate, when someone else deserves that chance? Why do I keep getting second or third chances? I am in a place right now I never imagined I'd ever see again because of choices I'd made in the past. I know what's happened to me for me to be here - and I won't give up and I won't let go...

But dammit. Life and death is inevitable. I know that better than I'd like to. But it's just so unfair, and all I can do is be strong for her, for myself, and for my daughter. It just doesn't feel like it's enough.

Broken...

Seether:
I wanted you to know that
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away...
I keep your photograph and
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Seether and Amy Lee:
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Seether:
You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore

Amy Lee:
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Amy Lee and Seether:
Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away...

Cause I’m Broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone...

Seether:
You've gone away, you don’t feel me here anymore

By Seether & Amy Lee

I am struggling a bit...

With trying to wrap my mind around the latest news regarding Matt's killer. The bastard has reached max time that the county can hold him as a prisoner to be 'restored' and competent to stand trial. Because of that time being maxed out - and being deemed 'unrestorable', he is going to be released as a "civilian ward of the state" and placed in a State Mental Institution.

We have to drop the charges for the murder of my husband August 1st.

IF he is ever restored and released I get contacted, then have to hope the County will retry the case. Hope.

Fuck hope. And fuck the judicial system. He just got a way with murder... Almost 3 years later and this is what I get?

I can't even break down about it...I can't even think straight...I can't even drink myself into a stupor. I can't get mad, and I can't even scream. I feel so off-balance I just wish someone would push me over so I could feel again...or shake me to wake me from this nightmare.

And my fucking taxes are paying for his goddamn stay.

Side Note:

No, I don't know how I've kept my mouth shut, remained patient, maintained sanity, and still get up everyday to do it all over again. I guess me remaining focused on the outcome I desire has made me numb to the 'events' that seem to keep coming up and making life rather interesting. I've even amazed myself. Maybe it's because I don't care anymore, maybe it's because I don't know what to do to make him change - probably because I don't care to change him? That's an effort a person can only do for themselves if they even believe it's necessary. Not my problem.

I have become good friends with acceptance & reality these past few months. I just wish that it was over... But I'll remain patient for that too. Time does seem to be conveniently flying by VERY quickly for me lately.

At least I know where my heart lies and where I'm headed. It's these choices today that are going to change me forever...even after all the changes I've made, and I've never been happier to be walking away from what's been shadowing me so long. The cloud that's hovered since Matt's died is gone - and I can finally see again. What's even more amazing is that it took my daughter to open my eyes and wake me up to reality. I've never been more grateful to & for anyone in my whole life...she is my world.

My greatest fear has been my strongest saviour.

There's a select few to thank.. and you know who you are! Thank you for keeping the sun shining on my face and being there even when I haven't asked you to be. I never realized how much I needed you all.

One Last Thought..

What made my trip so amazing back home was that I could just be 'me'. It was really good to be with those who've seen it all with me ~ and sometimes, just existing and breathing is all we ever really need as long as we are with those who love us for who we really are inside. Although I may have left, they had never left me at all.. That is something worth waiting for and rediscovering.

It was a breath of fresh air long overdue...

In Retrospect...

Once again, I am at another crossroads in my life. This time involving a child and a man that I cannot see myself with any longer. I am not sure if I was true to myself the entire time we were together - but according to this blog, my committment levels are those of a crack addict. I wonder just how many I've scared off with my faults? I have decisions to make solely for the benefit of my daughter's future and then secondly, my sanity. Talk about a tough set of options!

The other day, I spent a good 2 hours re-reading this blog that I began almost 3 years ago. I must say that the events in my life these past few years have been rather dramatic and intense. I just find it funny that I started this as an outlet to vent about 'The Warden', and discovered through this blog that I have learned love as I've lost it. That's been a few times now! I still haven't given up I guess.

What gets me is that I have a beautiful child, and someone I can't stand. I know why I don't - completely. I was with him after my husband died because he was nice, he could drink as much as I could - we could have fun and just LIVE. Neither of us wanted a committment such as marriage, nor children. But we were blessed with a daughter - and my world came crashing to a realistic halt. I don't look at him the same anymore. I don't feel anything for him at all - I care for him deeply as a friend, but I have no desire to pursue this failed attempt at a relationship except on a civil basis for our daughter. And dammit, I refuse to just give in!

I believe that becoming a mother has literallly traumatized me. I won't argue that at all. Traumatization only because I knew the moment I found out that I would never marry her father and that I could probably never give her the family environment that she deserves. Her father and my have made attempts at rekindling whatever it is that we lost - and I just end up in tears hating myself and who I've become. I have continuously turned my back on so many different emotions and realities - that here I am today. 2008 was supposed to be my year to move back home. Last March I decided that I was done. Husband's case resolved or NOT - I had to get out of AZ! I have been here almost 3 years waiting for that door to close, and I am ready to just shut it myself. I can't lose any more than I already have. I finally realized that - and now I have my daughter to take into consideration.

All I know is that I am done promising and I am done hiding. No more what ifs, or what could've been. Those rip my heart apart worse than where I am at today.

I can tell you one thing though - I won't close any more doors..and I won't let myself stop from feeling ever again. Well, feeling for those who I cared for the most. I realize that I am where I am today because I decided at one point to control my emotions and safeguard myself against drama, pain, or disappointment. I got a bit 'too' good at it. Now here I am, trying to make a man understand that I could never love him the way he wants me to. What's left of my heart belongs to my daughter - and the rest is floating somewhere back home. Every visit home, I feel more and more complete. I've been gone too long...

Mambo 8!!!

Memorial Day weekend this year was the BEST weekend ever! I had my first attempt at surprising someone that came off without a hitch! Damn was I nervous! New mommy needed a getaway & the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Following a series of events early this spring, and a MUCH needed email conversation to restore some sanity in my brain - I had an epiphany! I decided to surprise Dave (and others) for his annual Mambo gathering. And let me say this, as I was hugging the wall of his house not to be spotted, I probably could have thrown up in his driveway - but with the help of my best friend Beth, her mom and little brother - the look on his face as I came around the corner will forever be priceless!! And the fact that he didn't kill himself flying down the stairs was a bonus too.

I got to see Ed, meet his fabulous wife Krissy - who I just want to eat up and keep forever! Larissa and her family came too - and WOW has her son grown! It was a blast with fab food, great drinks with friends - and a time to share great memories and discoveries about all our new families and lives. Not to mention the certain 'entertainment' of one who shall remain nameless that yes, Dave probably has some great pics of all that...and I am not sure if I want to know of any of ME in particular meeting a bet..I am hoping Ed put the camera down by then.

All in all it was the best ever - my first appearance at Mambo in YEARS, before the days it even was Mambo..and the best night I've had in a long time. And this time, I intend on making many more. Damn, I missed everyone more than they or I realized!

Done!

Yes folks. Any man who wants to be immature, irresponsible, and jeopardize his family - can go kick rocks.

Funny thing is..he still doesn't get it! So we'll just settle it in court. Long story, not explaning here - but playing "nice" really sucks while I get everything in order. I don't need to raise two kids - I need a man to support me, not risk everything I have worked so hard for. And have him not care. He is just a kid himself. No thanks.

Have a rice day!!
More to come!!

Cliche Day...

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger..."

Damn straight it will!! And I am coming out swinging!!
It feels really good to start making sense of things and getting a "gameplan"... now just to wrap up the things that are out of my control... Update on my husband's case coming soon!!

Oh yeah - it's far from over...

Stumbling...

It is humanly possible to find a song that can sum up the past 7 years of your life... and below are the lyrics. I almost collasped when I first heard it. I just wish I had a place to stumble to ~ but I left that all behind years ago. Ran screaming thousands of miles away to avoid the pain of losing myself in something that wasn't even real - although it was real to me then. In some ways, it is still real to me now.

I don't know what I was thinking anymore...

Happy Friggin April

I need a beer...
I need a nap...
I need a weekend far, far away
Alone
'Nuff said.

Ridiculously Nostalgic

Holidays. Bah Humbug. My elated mood and excited 'Bea-ness' has melted away and disappeared. I awake each day wondering just how the hell I am going to do this sober. That is alcoholism at its best! Thank goodness for a baby to keep my sober through this strange time. I was so excited about Christmas at the beginning of the month, and the closer it gets, the more I wish I were someplace else. It's awful, heartwrenching, and enough to drive me to tears almost daily.

And I've yet to go to the cemetary. I am a big chicken. I think I may actually be a bit embarrassed by the layout of my current life that I let so easily slip through my control. Now, time to turn the other cheek and keep that smiling face for all to see as I question myself endlessly on why the choices I made ended up so mixed up from my initial intentions. I couldn't say that I regret anything, but I can say that I am not proud of where I am. I wanted to be someplace else, or on my way to someplace else. This wasn't supposed to be it. Now my life has taken yet another dramatic turn (a good one, yes) and here I am to ride the wave of experience into my newfound future. As a mom.

And if anyone asks me again if I am going to get married, I am going to have to punch them in the neck. I don't want to ever get married, nor should have to. I once told a dear friend that I do not want to have to bury another husband, and I meant it. For me, marriage was once - and no one has stolen my heart to ever make me consider doing it again.

Christmas is coming...

Almost 19 weeks...

First of all...YIKES. I am almost 19 weeks pregnant ~ still going strong...and going batty over all the wacky physical changes that this whole process entails. Good news is that it is almost half way over?

But the reason for my post is that in 2 weeks from today... I will find out whether I am having a girl or a boy...and dammit...I am prayin for that boy!!

And Derek is a supertrooper - he really is. I am really happy that we are sticking this out and experiencing every step together... It's nice to have someone put in that extra effort for ME. And it's worth my effort for him... I think I am finally discovering the reality of relationships and the work that it takes to make them last - and yes, it's difficult, but worth it when you know what you want.

Coming to an end...

As 2006 is coming to a close, I have taken some time to reflect on this past year - and eventful it has been. I don't think I have ever been more thankful in my life for my friends and family who have consistently had my back, been supportive and loved me for me. It has been a colorful year, filled with ups and downs - tears and laughter, but worth every day that I survived through it.

I have realized a lot of things (as I love to learn from anything possible), about myself, people, 'friends', love, and even hate. I have definitely learned and trust that everything in our lives derives from a simple choice that we each make at a certain point in our lives. Of course, our lives are made up of a lot of choices, but there is one major decision that we make for ourselves and only ourselves that creates who we are today. I see others around me still trying to find themselves, and conning themselves into believing that 'that' is who they are and are going to be. What choice has led them there? I see the looks in their eyes of almost despair because I am content with myself, my life, my past and my future. I am not broken anymore, and sometimes I feel as though it could be costing me friendships. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I will still love them for who they are no matter what, I just hope that they find what they are really looking for, versus filling in the gaps with meaningless relationships, partying and random acts of...company.

Once upon a time I made a choice. I was 21 years old, lost but not yet a believer. I could stay in one place and know exactly where I would be in 5 years, or pick up and go and find a better (and safer) future. My friends respected my decision ~ and that meant the most. I decided to get my shit together! As simple as that. And it was the best decision I have ever made in my life! The one decision I ever made that has made me every inch the person I am today.

So here I sit, in Scottsdale Arizona..drug free (3 years solid!), in a great relationship, widowed but alive more than I ever have been. A survivor of a tragedy who has had to fight for every last right she has as a wife. Depending on no one, but me, myself and I to get through this... and I have. I have been with Derek 1 year New Year's Day. Who knew? I have never known anyone so sweet, and he has been my rock when I really needed someone to be there for me (trust me, I don't ever do that!), and he didn't stand me up or let me down. We've both had a very colorful year, and our relationship has only thrived and strengthened ~ and its beautiful..

Am I in love? I don't know..I don't know what that is... What I have fits me just fine, and that's all I need. For once in my life, I have stopped searching for things that are not really there. It is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever known..

Round II

I guess this is my first real update in a while. It has been quite a roller coaster ride - as always, right? Let's see, where do I begin?

I am going on vacation to California this weekend with Derek. I am celebrating my one year anniversary of Matt's death out on our favorite beaches, sunshine and beautiful Cali weather. I cannot wait! I need a vacation so bad, and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate. Friday cannot come soon enough.

And I am doing okay. I slipped a little last night. A year ago yesterday, my husband and I were talking about the anniversary of his dad's death, life in general, the future of our marriage and how we would be buried. I held back every emotion I could, for fear that my husband was sweet talking me - but looking back, I knew he meant everything he said. Especially there at the end. Maybe somewhere deep inside he knew that he would be gone 8 days later. We started making peace that day, and it was beautiful.

So I am hanging in there - doing as best I can to get through this, but I have been very optimistic. It is hard, and hard for Derek because there are moments he just doesn't know what to do. I always welcome his support and understand. No one knows how to deal with this, even me. So we are taking things one step at a time, even with me grieving - and it is the most wonderful experience of my life. I have been truly blessed this year in finding him, and I can't even think of a bad thing to say about him! It's almost gross, but a much needed change from my wacky relationships. I am happy, I have a great support group around me and I could not ask for more. I have come such a long way - I am even back in school - 8 weeks in and doing great! I love it, and have been so motivated. My life has finally come around to where I want it to be - my wounds didn't break me, I have survived and will continue to enjoy my life because I am the only one who can make it worth anything.

And that is all that matters to me.

Memories..

Here I am again, facing another life changing experience that I never chose. On Monday morning, I received a message from my storage facility stating that they 'accidentally' auctioned off all of my possessions that I had stored there due to a billing error. Everything I've held dear over the years is gone. I had kept my husband's suit from the wedding, some antique furniture and records - my life was in there. Pictures of my wedding, two trunks of items that I was saving for Matt's son when he got older. Things of his father's that he will never see again. I was crushed. Who in their right mind would do something like that? Do they even realize what kind of mistake just occurred? When I go to get my own place in the future, I have absolutely NOTHING to take with me except a few books, clothes and 2 photo albums thank GOD I unpacked. That's all I have left, all I have left of me.

It has been almost a year, and now this. I was so devastated, I could barely breathe. People have tried to say that everything happens for a reason, but this is just wrong. It seems as a wound heals, someone tears it apart again. I feel like I am being torn apart!

The only good thing out of all this is 'D' - he said, "Bea, with everything you've been through - you are still standing, and people admire you for that. This is just another test that you will survive and still stand as strong as you have. No one has stopped you yet."

And they never fucking will. I take beating after beating, and still get back up. I don't always want to, but I have to. I don't think everyone really sees that or respects that, nor do I want any special treatment because my life is tough. We all have our equal share of problems. But dammit, I just want to be 'okay' for a while. I need a break from all this.

Moments In Time...

On my way into work today, I had a much better idea of what I wanted to post. Now, I just feel jumbled and confused. I realized this morning, as I stood outside at 5:30am that this was the first time in almost a year that I had seen the sunrise.. since the morning Matt died. This time, I wasn't sitting in the garage waiting for him to come home, I was at home - getting ready to start the day. And I could do nothing but cry.. It was a beautiful sunrise.

They set his marker on his grave yesterday, took a long time (about 4 months) - but it's finally there. I almost went up there this morning, but I think I'll share a sunrise with him tomorrow morning. And although it may seem strange, I cannot wait!

It has been almost a year - and I have moved forward with my life, met someone that I care about... and still, these moments come to pass just as boldly as before. Maybe I don't cry as easily anymore, maybe I seem colder or more together. Maybe people think I just don't give a crap because I have moved on. But it still hurts, I still remember and it will never go away. It's been a growing and enlightening experience. It makes you appreciate things in life a bit more, you value relationships (of all kinds) a bit more.. Tears finally are true.

I guess I could say I am fortunate. I have had to face this mostly on my own. I am alone out here in Arizona, or I was. Matt's family and I don't really stay in touch, they are dealing with grief in their own way, and I am not a part of that. I don't see my stepson, I don't see my in-laws - I have faced each day alone, or at least until I met "D". I was so lucky in finding him! He's been supportive, open, patient - and the one to ask ME if he could share this with me, so that I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I could not ask for more.. and I never asked to begin with. I guess things just work themselves out in the end.

I think...

I could be gradually destroying the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've never been more scared, or uncertain in my life! And the funny thing is.. this may all be some sick waking nightmare that I can't see through yet because fear has blinded me although warm hands are only wanting to hold me. I have this awful tendency to doubt reality and how I feel - how others feel...and I don't want to lose this time. I am tired of losing...

Do I seem bitter?

Try dreaming about your dead husband for 4 nights straight, waking up to realize it was only a dream... then read his autopsy report you finally had the balls to send for - and deal with the misfortunate immaturity of those around you who just don't seem to get that there is more to life than piddly bullshit.

Sometimes, wake up calls are subtle - others are bold. I just want people to know that I am well aware of what is important and what isn't, sorry if I come across as a bitch.

Darn It!!

I just found my boyfriend a better paying job than MINE! I am happy for him, but crap. He's a sweetheart and already taking me out to spoil and thank me.. I just needed to vent, cuz I actually make good money - but he's got a specialty and I found him his dream job. I am so happy for him!! And...now newly motivated to move on a bit quicker with my career... We are both some success driven maniacs!!

I found what I've been looking for...

Good day to ME! Been having the most wonderful evenings for the past few days... some things are evolving in the right direction. I, Miss Bea, am a 24 year old widow - dating a 22 year old hottie. NOW: we have had a mutual agreement that we both don't want anything too serious, none of that emotional dramatic bullshit, just have fun - enjoy each other and LIVE. It's working out in ways I never thought! Sure, we spend a lot of time together - BUT its more like we are adventure buddies... there is never a dull moment!

I am just glad that I am a still human, living my life to the fullest and no longer hesitating with the things I want in life, and enjoying them with someone that likes to do the crazy things I like to do... We just sort of feed each other's energies...and love spending time together.

So we are going to jump out of a hot air balloon when it warms up - go shooting (he's getting a glock for me to play with!!) - and do just about whatever our little hearts desire...

I have never felt so stress free in a 'relationship' in my life... Thank you GOD, because I like my life as simple as possible right now, and I found the right person.

And another heartwrenching moment in the life of Bea

September 20th, 2006 trial begins. Every human emotion and/or thought that has raged through my brain in the past 24 hours since hearing the news has definitely been disorienting. People have tried to tell me its a good thing, etc. Sure! If you weren't the one anticipating seeing evidence, listening to lawyers give their opening statements - people looking at the 'widow' while she is drowning in her silent tears that wet her face and make her wish she was just as dead as her husband. Yeah, looking forward to it. I am scared. Oh, I'll be there - but I am scared of what I will find out, what I will see - facts that I've yet to face. I still haven't requested the autopsy report, because frankly - I don't want to see it! Sometimes people forget the brutality of my husband's murder, and a part of me wants to remember him alive or at least the way he did before they closed the casket. Sleeping - though, that's still not as happy as if he were alive.

This is the type of thing that just doesn't go away...people seem to have forgotten, and it's not as if it was from some illness or old age... my 25 year old husband was shot in the HEAD twice. Murder, cold blooded murder doesn't just wash off our hands so we can move on. None of us wanted this, someone else did - and him just behind bars isn't consolation enough while I am alive out here struggling to survive and move forward in my life.

It isn't over for me...I don't really know when it will be.

So freakin sue me!

I am hanging in there..mildly moody, but what else is new? An ex of mine - though trying to not to make me feel bad, has succeeded once again to make me feel like I let him down AGAIN! And here's why...

too bad we didn't get to hangout... but, what's done is done. I had to work last sunday so saturday was my only free day and i actually cancelled plans that night to go done to the city. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or whatever...

it was that fact that if you guys were so wanting to so me, you might've wondered why i didn't call....

MY BAD! My ability to mind read must have been off last weekend, and it's not my fault. I had no clue you didn't have her number...my phone was broken...JEEZUS. So maybe in another 5 years, we can attempt to see each other and play this little game of 'someone is pissy' and make me feel like dirt. I wanted to see you, sorry it got messed up...you coulda just showed up...it would have been a wonderful surprise. Next time, I don't think I am even going to tell you, I'll just come find you and let you get off whatever leftover high school drama stuff you are hung up on off your chest, since it seems to me - you may need to deal with it. Cuz I didn't do anything wrong, and I would have appreciated it if you could at least see that I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, SORRY!

YOU have fun buddy. Yeah, I am pissy on this one... YOU have an awful tendency to make me feel like I fucking failed you somehow, when I am not even trying to do anything FOR YOU anymore. Guess some things just aren't supposed to work, huh? Our communication was never one of our strong points.

I Give Up...

What the hell do people expect from me?

Crumbling on the inside...

I am noticing a current problem...I can't seem to cry! At some point, I locked up again...and it's ripping me to pieces. I feel so strange, unsure, insecure - afraid. I don't trust anyone or anything..is this another step in the grief process? My thoughts keep racing to my husband for support, but he isn't there.. and I am here because of everything that has happened...'D' keeps trying to get me to just open up, but he doesn't need to deal with this... does he even really want to?

I just seem to be questioning every action, everyone else's reactions or actions... I just feel like a mess inside! And I am not sure why or where this came from. Maybe it's all a process that can only be figured out in time - I just hate feeling this way - as though I don't know where to turn anymore... It's tearing me apart...all I want is to be held and just cry, and I don't even know who to turn to to be able to do that. It's as if I am pushing away from this pain, even though I want so badly to embrace it.

I truly am a mess!

Happiness Is Bliss...

For starter's, I had the most unbelievable weekend! Friday nite was 'date' night - went bowling and had a blast with 'D'. Saturday, he and I went to the Phoenix Suns game, our first NBA experience up close and personal, FABULOUS time, I tell ya. I am not one for basketball, but being at the actual game is a completely different experience!!

And then we saw Korn last night! Ohmigosh! Mudvayne rocked as always, and Korn was there ever amazing selves...I have half a voice - and it's totally worth it.

I guess where I am at right now... reestablishing my life, my self and future..things are simple, fun and just the way I want them to be. I am really happy with my life right now. Still working out the wrinkles in some things, but in ways of moving on with my life, I have never been more comfortable, at ease - and just plain happy to be where I am. I am really thankful to all the wonderful people I've met that have been understanding, and patient with me. I do still have some rough days, but I get through them with a little help from my friends. And then I am off to Illinois for the weekend to see some old friends and my godson... Things are finally starting to look up!

I am really optimistic right now that things are going to work themselves out just fine!

Happy Anniversary

Today would have been my 2 year anniversary with Matt. What a day to pick to get married on, huh? But I actually had a pretty decent day. It was horrifically rough - sorrowful, and enlightening. I took the day off to grieve, just breathe and reflect on why this day is and always will remain so special to me. I know each year will be different - but Valentine's Day will always remain special in my heart because that will always be the day that my life changed forever.

Nothing can ever change that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

A Quaint Dose of Reality...

I woke up yesterday... feeling like crap. Minus the fact that I had drank a lot of rum the night before...but I asked myself, "what the hell am I doing?" I don't even know anymore... So I spent the sunset sitting in the cemetary crying - not sure why this has happened and what am I to do next. What am I supposed to be learning from all this? Am I on a mission to seek and destroy the male species? I don't know... but I feel like I am lining up victims for my mental massacre. These boys just drool, and slobber and offer me the world - anything I want, for what? My attention? Cause they sure as hell aren't getting any.. Guys are wierd...

Life is quirky...

Do you find it funny how certain things come up at the wierdest times?? As if there are no gaps in time, no moment missed though it's been years - and it makes you cry. I cried last night - maybe inside I've been crying all along... My life is just messed up. And I am still scared to go home. Maybe when I thought I'd been growing and living - in reality, I have been running away all along. I think I still am now. And I don't know why anymore... I know that I wish I could just stop - but this is one dose of reality I don't know if either of us is ready for... if we ever will be.

Acceptance

I think I am reaching a new level of awareness in myself...and it's wonderful! Obstacles are still abroad, but I at least feel confident enough to face them. I feel like a new person. My year is off to a great start, I feel happy - even when I have my down moments.

Last night I was packing up some of Matt's and my stuff and it hurt, but was cleansing at the same time. My life is moving on, and it's as though I am saying goodbye in a way to a life I chose that was lost. Rather than reinventing myself, I feel as if I am re-awakening my soul. It's not as if I had a blissful marriage - it was rough and emotionally exhausting....and he set me free. He gave me my freedom that I wanted so badly. Murder isn't a choice, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe Matt's purpose in life was fulfilled - and it held a huge part in mine...at the time of his death he had everything he ever wanted, to be married to someone he loved, a child (though not ours), a house with 2 dogs and 2 cats, Tony Montana Bedroom doors and a huge separate garden tub in the bathroom. He always thought he would die at 25, and maybe a part of his soul already knew that. And my purpose is only beginning. It's almost as if I can just taste it at the tip of my tongue - I have no clue what it is, but I can sense some significant meaning and reason approaching me in my life, and I am waiting with open arms to embrace whatever it is I may face.

Life is solely about growth and living and learning. I think once people can accept that, they can face the challenges that face them ahead. Let's not be ignorant to reality and be honest with ourselves - life is much happier that way...I am happier. I needed this.

All Smiles

As Nemesis says here....Live in the moment. And I am. Thanks to good friends, embracing life - and enjoying what is given and not regretting what is lost. I have never been happier even while facing my own past - I am happy. Boom asked me the other night if I was happy - and I said YES. Why? Because I am content with my SELF at last...I am happy with me, who I am, where I am and with my choices. I am a survivor, a healer, a friend - and I know it and I love it. I love me.

I am so glad to hear you talking how you are Nem, it's about time! This is what I've been wanting to say all along. We just go through phases girl - you and me both, and I am glad to be sharing these experiences with you. Cuz we rock!

2006 Part II

Not even a whole month in - and the world has gone mad. The government is working on a pill to erase bad memories...make them less 'painful'. WTF? This is what the world is coming to? I guess in some instances that would be okay - but aren't we avoiding the reality of life experiences by reducing it with a pill? I think so...would I take it? F-No! I had a rough year last year, but we grow from these experiences as individuals. I wouldn't trade that for less stress. People in general have a hard enough time dealing with the reality of their lives, let alone themselves - and now they are whipping up a pill to make a lot easier. No matter how bad some events are in our lives, we are meant to grow and learn, not suppress and 'make things easier'. That's why we have drug addicts, potheads, and alcoholics. I think that is plenty to make the pain easier. This is just going to be a legal way for people to de-stress themselves. Maybe it will help the homeless veteran population...but they made that choice. We all make choices, it's just a matter of what they are and how we deal with them.

Everything in life is a choice - from getting in a car, saying 'I do' on an altar, to taking a needle in your arm for that ethereal high... Let people face their own damn problems - it's healthy! No one ever said life was going to be easy. Let's hope that people can see that - if they think they should make a pill..then they should just legalize marijuana. People feel good on that....it helps reduce the reality and stress in life. This would constitute a good medical reason! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - get 'em stoned.

2006

Okay - a mild update...I am functional, back on my meds - and as fucked as ever. Practically homeless, I can't even afford to move right now. I don't even have money to get me through another week... what else can I sell this weekend? I am considering another garage sale to see what else I can make on some of this furniture - so I can buy fucking dog food. I don't even buy groceries because I can't afford to. I eat at work, or granola cereal that is months old. You have to do what you need to to survive. I am fighting one helluva an uphill battle right now. And every idea seems to keep falling through, every plan a flop - so now I am probably going to have to move in with my brother. Jeezus - can it get any worse?

New Year's was a blast, thank goodness...it's about as much fun as I may have for a while. I spent next to nothing, had a great time and met the most fantastic guy. In a platonic - thank you god sort of way. Let's just say I feel human again! And he's really hot too - I am moving up in the world folks. Yeah, that's a vain remark - bite me. I'd rather indulge myself in vanity and sin right now anyway...at least its more fun than the reality of my fucked up life. Since Matt's died - my world has been a mess... and nothing seems to be improving... WTF? I am at the point where I just don't care anymore.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It was freaking INCREDIBLE and I survived 2005.

Thanks to my GIRL for being there and having a blast - we rang in the New Year like it was nobody's business... I hope your dreams stay as kinky as they did that night!!! Because I will definitely work on it for ya!

Fountain of Sorrow...

Great Jackson Browne song...thanks Boom.

I am losing it - survived Christmas, drunk and with friends. Now it's New Years-I am tired of the holidays.

I need a freaking break... will update when I can.

I'm Losing My Marbles...

Okay - so it is the middle of the night - oops! I thought it was Christmas Eve afternoon when I woke up!! Yikes. I don't know where my brain is at. Well medicated, that is for sure!

So the good news is that I have plans to spend a good portion of the day with Matt's grandparent's, my stepson Boogie, and I am really looking forward to it. Since I am up, I am going to arrange the new flowers I bought for the cemetary and open my x-mas gifts from my family. I think that is a good start to the middle of the evening. I want to get any emotion out of the way as early as possible. I am hangin' in there (my new favorite term) and we'll see how the weekend goes. Everyone and their mother is making sure that I am not alone for the holiday - so don't worry folks...not gonna do anything stupid. Maybe get wasted tomorrow night...but that's about it. I don't see anything to celebrate other than Boogie's face as he opens his Christmas gifts - and I thank god that I will have that opportunity. I'll take all I can get.

Ho Ho Ho! Here we go....

Misery needs company...

Okay - so I am not okay. Whether it is the holiday's or just sudden realizations of a few repressed issues or concerns about Matt's death...I just about lost my mind the other day. My new meds are stabilizing, and friends have been really supportive. If I can just get through this year, it would be great.

But I can finally sum up how I feel (for someone who doesn't express well, this is a good thing). I feel like there is a gaping wound in my heart that is pulsating ever single emotion I've ever felt, denied, hid, fought, or expressed out of my soul into my tears. It's as if I am bleeding emotion and pain. I guess it's about time.

Thank you Boom for being there for me these rough days... You make each day a brighter one and are one helluva good listener. And even in my mess of a life, you sure brighten those days with our spastic ADD tendencies and spontaneous walks. I appreciate your friendship more than you know and am so glad that I met you. You came into my life at the right time.

I Think I'll Pass...

I survived the Christmas service - I could scarcely breathe...but I survived. It was wonderful to see his parent's and his son (Boogie)..and I have decided to spend my holiday with them. For us, there really is no 'Christmas'..and I would rather spend it without pretending to have Christmas cheer..when I don't. I am not going to fake it, and I am actually looking forward to it more so now than before. Because I am spending it still with 'family', loved ones...and we are all on the same page. No one is trying to make me decorate a tree - or sing Christmas carols...I can just be me. I like this idea...I don't feel as apprehensive toward the holiday anymore. I can get through it just how I want to and not be alone (so society can stop worrying now!!).

The hardest part of all of this - is simply: the reality.

Someone asked me, have I ever been in love? I said I don't know... well I do know. I was in love with my husband no matter how batty he drove me..and it took his death for me to allow myself to admit how much I did love him and to finally allow myself to feel. The only bright side of this whole situation is that I do feel..and I feel for him and I love him. It's a simple as that. I loved coming home to him every day, seeing him asleep on the couch and kissing him awake..making him dinner and making sure he made it to work okay. Being in love is all those cheesy little things that you think are tedious at times that you miss the most. Just someone's presence completing you - good, bad or ugly..that simple phone call to make sure you made it okay to work and to say 'I love you'. That's what being in love is. We did that every day for 2 years to the day of his death. And that is still what I miss the most. The goofy 'I love you' cards...the flowers for no reason, the kisses fresh out of the shower... Yeah, folks...this girl deep down is a softy. I am just rather selective on whom I get soft with... and it was Matt... It was never that way with any other man in my life. And I just realized that today. I wish it hadn't been so rough in the end...but at least we knew we loved each other...not everybody gets to know that. I am glad I finally told him just how much. I spent such a huge part of our relationship fighting how I felt, and now I can do nothing but acknowledge it. It doesn't go away.

Yeah-rough day...I'm still grieving, I still have a long way to go I guess...

Will This Ever End?

Man oh man! Do I get jittery when I am nervous...I feel like I just drank 8 red bulls and took six power pills.. Anyone here know who 'Tyrone Biggums' is?? Yeah well...I am freaking out. Matt's Christmas Service is tonight and I am so stressed...just emotionally. This is a really depressing way to spend freaking Christmas. Remaining optimistic is more of a life line than an actual choice...I just want to get through this month and take on next year - 2005 has been hard enough... and it is so FAR from over for me...

Life is teaching me one helluva lesson right now...and it's going to be a long time before I ever even know what it is. I'm trying everyone, I really am...

Coming undone...

I don't know why my world seems to spin psychotically off its axis. It seems as though once I feel comfortable with one emotion, another kicks me in my teeth. Last night I had a 'relapse' of past emotions - wounds that have not healed. I don't understand why these things pop up on me. I don't understand why I am where I am today. Even when I feel I have gotten it together - I fall to pieces at any given moment.

This afternoon, I moved some furniture around and cried my eyes out. I don't want to leave this house, yet I can't afford to live here. It's gonna really suck when I have to leave. This is my home...my past and once upon a time, my future. All of that is gone now. I have to start over from a blank page - a new chapter in this adventure we call life. Am I that afraid?

In the words of my new best bud "Boom" - he is an inspiration and enlightening to depths of my being that I haven't found in another person in this life thus far... "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

If I wasn't afraid then - I would have said all the things I should have said, I would never have ran - I would never have hurt those who loved me most.

If I wasn't afraid now - I would tell everyone how sorry I am, how much I love them - and that I am lost right now and I will find my way. And where that will lead, I cannot promise anymore. No matter how strong I aim to be, I am really not right now, but I am trying - and thank you for believing in me. Sometimes I just wish someone would save me - it's hard standing against the world alone. No matter how many friends you have, no one fills that void that rests in your empty home - no one is waiting for me anymore....and I am scared to leave. I am not ready to, but when are we ever ready?

I guess I still have a long way to go...

WTF??!!

Okay - so who knows what I am going to do NOW. My job wants me to stay bad...and I have the opportunity to downsize living-wise and make more $$. Yikes - now what the hell am I gonna do? Apartment hunting is NOT that fun...

Make it thru this garage sale, and then go from there...maybe get drunk Saturday and have a moment of clarity. That would be sweet!!

Post Holiday

Okay - still hanging in there...Survived Thanksgiving - barely. I about lost my damn mind. And Christmas isn't even here yet! One day to the next is so different and a totally different emotional experience. I hate it! I made it through Thanksgiving with a nice dose of Valium, wine and lots of food with my brother's in-laws. It was nice, but it sucked. Just one year ago I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my cousin in Iowa - my husband goofing off with her husband. Enjoying that fabulous family atmosphere is what he loved doing. And his wife cooking was always a turn on. And here I was alone at this family affair - it was an awful feeling.

So I lost it Thanksgiving night, and called my mommy. I guess the meds can't keep you from emotionally 'losing it'. I was planning on being alone for Christmas, but I highly doubt that it's even possible. So, my spontaneous butt has decided that I am moving to Iowa to be with my family. Why the sudden decision? Because my freaking landlord is trying to evict me (which he can't), but I am so exhausted on attempts at survival! I feel like I am running in circles. And rather than give up, I am taking a different route to getting my life back together. I will have a job working at the family Ben Franklin, pay my car note and be able to set aside some money for my future. Moving back in with your parent's can't be all that bad... Not at this point in my life. I just feel like I am losing my mind at times. And I just can't take it anymore. Besides, I'll be closer to my new Godson - friends that I know I can lean on and most importantly, my family for support. I need all I can get, and out here I have it to an extent... but I don't like handouts or favors. I need to rebuild ME and my life...and doing so alone out here is tougher than I thought and I am just not interested in breaking my back anymore to make it. I want to take it easy for a while, life is tough enough on it's own. If my parent's are willing to deal with me, than I am accepting and willing to give it a fresh start. The trial isn't going to be for a while anyway, and I need to make it now before I sink into nothingness. And I'll be able to get through the holidays with loved ones, because I know they are going to be tough.

I can't always be a tough broad - it takes a lot of energy and a lot of hidden tears - and maybe I don't need to try and be so tough all the time. Because I am just not as strong as I'd like to be. At some point, we all wake up and accept who and where we really are in life. Besides, this is another new adventure and path to take on, and I am looking forward to it more so than struggling out here alone. I absolutely hate being alone - but I look forward to being close to my family and friends again.

Sorry Arizona, but you're breaking my proverbial balls..it's been 4 years of heck and I am ready to move on.

Calming...

I haven't made any choices on whether or not I am staying in Arizona or not... My desire to flee and negativity is simmering down - and I have never been happier here in Arizona. Even with all the little things that make each day another adventure to conquer - I feel so optimistic, and nothing is going to falter that feeling. So to all those I told I was leaving....MY BAD! I am not going anywhere, IF anywhere for a long time. Arizona is my home for the time being, and its 80 degrees in November - I can't pass that up!! I'll let my future unfold as it does...I just want to live moment to moment...I want to heal inside and I think it's coming along swell. No more of me running circles in my mind - and driving myself batty! I finally feel almost at peace inside, or whole...now that is a first!!

There is nothing in our lives left unaffected by the people that come in and out of our lives...it's how we grow from each person and experience that determines our fate and our own personal peace and happiness... How will you embrace today?

Birthday's

My freaking birthday is coming up. Not too excited and trying to find stuff to do to keep me busy. Normally, I enjoy celebrating another year in the life of Bea - but this year, I don't feel too much like celebrating. So I am going to shoot for happy hour and maybe a ladies nite somewhere...What can you do on a Wednesday night? But this weekend planning a trip to Sedona, so that will be nice - girl time and cold weather. I just feel 'off'. You ever feel like you are on a totally different planet?? I need a vacation!!

Totally off the topic, I am working on pictures that I want to start organizing and archiving..I am just a bit slow and an airhead...so bear with me!

Motivated

For the past couple of days, I have been extremely motivated! On a personal level...cleaning the house, preparing for a garage sale - exercise, yoga and now even reading Shakespeare! I just feel so alive - it's a beautiful thing. I go through my ups and downs - as I am sure anyone would in my situation, but it feels good to feel good again. Optimism is a beautiful thing.

I will probably remain in Arizona for the duration of the trial. I want to experience it, and be a part of the end result. And after that - I am highly considering returning 'home'. Initially from the midwest, I think it may be best to leave this life here. I know that I can stay and move on - but at this point, it's something that I am not really looking forward to doing. Arizona has definitely matured me through all the experiences I have had, and I don't know what is left for me here. I no longer know my purpose in life - and I feel that maybe I need to get back to my roots and grow there. Of course, I love the weather here and the life, but I no longer feel like I am moving forward. For the past for years I have grown as an individual, experienced things that not many 23 year old's have...and I want to feel safe again. More often than not here in AZ, my world has been rocked by events - and I feel that I need to go home. I want to be closer to my parents...I have my brother here...but I am close to my parents and would rather be within driving distance - versus plane flights.

These are just random thoughts - but they are good thoughts and they make me feel good. My husband was my safety before, he was my home and my world. Now that that is all gone, I need to find that home and safe place within myself, and I just don't know if it is out here anymore. At least I have a lot of time to think about it.

Life is never dull here...

In my little world of insanity, yikes! But things are being corrected with the County. I did speak to someone yesterday. I am looking at at least a year with the trial. It's not something I really look forward to either, but hopefully it will be gratifying and bring closure. We'll see.

And I have a wandering thought: If someone really cared about you, they would come to see you, right? They wouldn't need you to run to them, would they? I didn't think so. Dave came to see me. It didn't bother him. Makes you wonder....

We can only mope so much before we take some action - and for some, I don't think action will ever be a possibility. It's too bad. Thanks to all of my 'real' friends who know how to be one. I appreciate you support and kindness..I could never truly express how thankful I am for you being there for me in my insanity.

The Courts Suck

I went to the Arraignment this morning for Matt's killer...well when they called his name - the wrong guy came up. Some old dude that looked like he was homeless and 40 came up to the microphone. The guy that shot Matt is 25 years old with short brown hair and has been in jail only 3 weeks...not old, with long dirty blond hair. No one's hair grows that fast. So I told the prosecutor and he said that people may not look the same - this was WAY OFF! AND he gave a totally different name and had no idea who 'James Johnston' was. He never even stated a birthdate. So now they are putting this 'other' name as a freaking alias. I couldn't believe it!!! So I called the attorney's office and pitched a fit. Now I just get to wait for someone to call me back...HA! This needs to be verified and quick. How am I supposed to rest when the court system screwed up?

Moonlight

I love the moonlight. There is nothing more amazing than a desert sky, empty - yet filled with the moonlight. It is soothing and peaceful, and brings memories of soft nights I spent with Matt looking up at the moon with him. It's these memories that make this easier than it really is.

And it's almost Friday - Me, a Vampire in the night, seeking her next victim(s). I don't want anything from any man, except to know that I am still powerful. And I am. And that is what Matt loved the most about me. That power.

I am Vanity, and I am Sin. Two sides of the same coin. Light and Dark, Innocent and Vixen - Goddess of my own realm.

Turmoil

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't remember things, I forget where I put things..and it's affecting my job. And I don't think I even care. I feel like I am being treated with kid gloves, as though I am incapable of doing my job - all because Matt's dead. I feel more alone at work than I do in my own empty house! I can't expect them to understand, but I don't feel that I am being given a chance either. I feel as though this is all a joke. I enjoy certain aspects of my job - and that's it.

Did I make a mistake somewhere in the past 2 months to lead them on that I am crazy and incapable? I have been busting my butt for nothing! Someone once told me that someday it will be about the money. You know what? He was right. It IS about the money, and they aren't doing me any favors. I can't even do my job anymore. I have to sneak around to retain my clients and keep my hours up so I can make an extra buck or two. They might as well just demote or fire me - because this is just not working. I feel like the 'freak in the room'. As if I don't belong anymore, if I ever did. And it's hard, because I was hoping I could stay there. And now it's just awkward. I feel strange there, as if all eyes are watching me, waiting for me to lose it - and they will be ready with brooms to sweep me out the door.

It's awful to feel like that everyday. So if they think I am nuts - so be it. I am 23, my husband's dead - not me.

I am Revenge

You kill for revenge.
That is because you have lost something or
someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem
to get over the loss that marked your soul, and
the only solution is to go after the one person
who brought all this pain to you. Chances are
you are angry inside and you bottle everything
up and don't talk to anyone about it. People
may want to help, but you think that they can
never understand your pain and only get
frustrated because of this. But it is important
to see all that you have left and be thankful
of that even if you have lost something great.
It may not be true that Times heals all wounds,
but with time and talking about your feelings,
maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself
Quote: "You can close your eyes to
reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J.
Lec
Facial expression: Gritted teeth and
teary eyes


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Open Wounds

It's about to begin...the long drawn out process of law. Tomorrow is Matt's killer's preliminary hearing, a 5 minute plea of guilty or not guilty. And then they set the date for all of this to truly begin. I am not excited. I am nervous. What am I going to see? Hear? Feel? No matter how hard I try to walk upright everyday, I still fall to pieces. I am not over this, not at all. I just don't understand WHY! Why did someone have to kill him? I feel utterly destroyed at times - and at other times, on a new path in life, tough but filled with lessons. But then, that is what we call 'grief', I guess. I call it insanity.

No folks, I am not the same. I am often moody, often happy and often just plain depressed. It's not that hard to stop and think for one second and remember that though I may be smiling, I am still hurting inside. Show some fucking respect.

And thank you to all of my FRIENDS and FAMILY for being patient with me and being respectful and understanding. I know at times I may be a bit off the wall - but I am really trying hard to get through this, and it's harder than I am really letting on. I love you all!

Another Day In The Life...

I felt great last night..and most of today. I went to meet with an attorney, and the office was down the street from our old condo. We lived in that condo before this blog, when Matt and I were really happy. We did really well there, and I wish we never left. But that is just me being selfish.

Making plans daily to do stuff to keep me busy, and it helps. It feels nice to feel humanish again. Day by day, night by night. I feel a bit better having spoken to an attorney - nothing for sure yet, but hopefully I will get some good news here in the future. You learn a lot about life, and legal matters quick in situations like this. I can only take my future one day at a time.

So for starters, there is an auction in Scottsdale tomorrow night for the American Stroke Association, and a co-worker of mine is in it. Plus, there will be 29 bachelors on auction. Soooo..along with being supportive, my gal pal and I can at least get some eye candy. I am trying to stay positive! Can't wait to see how this goes...

Aftermath

It has been a rough few days! I have escapaded into the arms of society - Long Island in hand, cigarette in the other..I missed that freedom and that power - that energy. And then as I returned home Saturday night, I felt like crap. Too soon? No..I love the social life, but I hate being ALONE. My therapy has been all about my Vanity & Sin, I bought almost $200 in clothing I don't really need and enjoyed it. But then my daddy has a habit of giving me clothing money when he know's I am sad. It helped, until I got home from the store.

I am realizing more and more every day that in death, it's not just about the dead. This has effected my life in such a dramatic way, I am even afraid to face myself. I don't want to be nice, and I don't want to feel. I am angry. And at times I feel really selfish. And most of the time I don't care.

And then I get home, and I fall to pieces. Every morning, I feel like I have to put myself back together piece by piece before I leave the house. Every morning, I feel drained and empty inside...and then I get home....

I never thought I would ever feel so lost emotionally, physically and mentally. I know, yeah yeah - I am grieving..but this is hard for me. I am realizing that it has a lot to do with control. I didn't have control over this. Matt was taken from me, I wasn't allowed to chose. And I am struggling with that the most. You start to realize what it is you've really depended on once that person is gone. I always counted on him to want attention and to hold me - or me to hold him. You think of the stupid things that never mattered before, or even pissed you off then, and they are held sacred - because you'll never have them again. This sucks!

I believe that someday, I will be okay - I have to. I even cry at night sometimes because I know I will survive - and Matt didn't. Grief comes in so many faces. I have the wonderful support of family and friends - but my house is still empty. I have been going through cleaning frenzies to stay busy. I cuddle with pillows because I hate not having him to hold onto in my sleep. I don't have anybody.

I have so many options and choices ahead of me.. who do I want to be this time around? Who am I really, and did I ever know? I can go back to having men cater to me and then I kick them aside...but when I got married, I left that life behind..yet it's so tempting. Phoenix has become my stomping ground over the past 4 years, and I like that control. But will that heal me inside? There is so much that I want to tell people that I have known, to help heal myself, but at times I don't even think it is worth it anymore. I have faced many battles in my life - now all that is left, is for me to face myself. And I have never been more scared of anything in the world. I am a tough cookie to crack. And unfortunately, I know it. I try to take it day by day... but I cannot even be vague anymore. What is the point?

I don't think anything could have prepared me for this - and I know I will never be the same person ever again. Love, Life and Death with get you every time.

All Alone continued..

I want to elaborate on the apologizing... I find myself doing that when I speak to him or write in my journal. I am mostly apologizing to him that this happened, that I wasn't a better wife, that we didn't have more time, and that I couldn't save him. I know that there is no way that I could have, but when you love someone - you have this incredible desire to protect them and see them succeed. He wanted the same for me, and I feel (not as much anymore) at times that I failed him. But I am working on that.

I just wish we'd been given that chance to move forward together, rather than be at war with one another...but life doesn't give you chances...just reality. What I find hardest to deal with, is that he isn't around to make sure I am behaving. I had become so accustomed to the numerous phone calls at work to check up on me, make sure I made it okay - when am I coming home, did you eat?..how many guys google-eyed you today? I didn't realize (even though it pissed me off royally) how much those calls were a part of my day to day life, and I actually miss them.

All Alone

Last night was my first night alone in 3 weeks - since Matt's (The Warden) murder. The onset of so many emotions was quite exhilarating and nauseating at the same time. I spent my Friday night talking to him, yelling at my dogs who like to bark for no reason at midnight, and crying - and for some odd reason, apologizing.

They say that grief comes in stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What stage am I in? I haven't really been angry yet. Maybe I am still in denial? I know that he is gone forever.. but what does denial truly mean? What does any of it mean? Maybe I am in a mix of the first 3. I just focus on trying to function... make sure things are in order, the lawn gets mowed and taking the car to get an oil change. I just don't know where I am at inside. I feel so 'blank' most of the time.

Work yesterday was insane, but it really helps a lot. I didn't get down until my dad was getting ready to leave for Tucson with my brother to get stuff out of storage. I got mellow and fast - ran home to wander through the house and go to bed.

And then there are his personal possessions still sealed in the evidence bags, stained with blood. No, I cannot open them, I have stopped holding them and crying. They are just in a drawer waiting for me to face them. I am trying - I am really trying to be strong. But is that only making me weaker? I won't know for a long time. I will get around to those when I am ready - I want to clean his wedding ring, but it is just so sad to look at.

So what's on the agenda for today? Out to the grave - it's been 6 days. And then I am going shopping - for mason jars (for the dead flowers), new sheets/bed set, and maybe I'll hit the bookstore. And my lovely sister-in-law has given me numerous crafty ideas - so I am on a mission to the nearest craft store also. I am looking forward to it!

Freaky Friday

I love my job. But the creepiest of creeps are coming out of the woodwork today! Stinky, smelly, icky men and toothless hookers are coming into the office in droves. I love telling them to go away, bathe and use deodarant, but yikes! This is the first mass of wierdo's in at least a month. Wasn't really prepared for it - what a way to be welcomed back to work after being off 2 weeks. More later once I disinfect my office....

Day to Day

I am taking things as I can, each day another step into a future I was unprepared for. Are we ever prepared for death? I am doing my best to not blame myself, regret or wish for things I cannot change. It's a constant obstacle to overcome. I feel inhuman at times as I wander aimlessly throughout the house my husband and I once shared.

As a widow - it's different than being single. You weren't given the choice to be alone. At times, I hate that the most. I don't want the same things I wanted prior to meeting my husband anymore. I want the things that we once wanted - a home, a family, a life of our own - and my faith in love is failing me. I know I am so young, and there is so much more in life for me...but my eagerness to live and face life with squared shoulders makes me feel ill inside. People say time heals all wounds, which may be true, but it never erases the scars left behind.

Through all my ranting and ravings about 'The Warden', I find it funny that each day since his death, I recall so many of our good times, even while starting this blog. I guess by nature, we focus on the bad - because it holds so much more meaning in our natural human ability to be pessimistic. I will never forget that Sunday night, thinking how handsome he looked and how I couldn't kiss him enough - remembering his face as he backed out of the garage. We wanted to start planning for a cruise on our 2 year anniversary Valentine's Day, 2006. He was going to get info that Monday for different cruise lines... instead he lay dead in a hotel lobby. And I now lay alone at night wishing I could feel him or hear him coming in the door.

At first, I thought I had failed somehow. Failed to protect him, to take care of him, to save our love. Now I just feel defeated, as though everything I wanted in our marriage was a dream - and I finally awoke that Sunday night to realize how bad I really wanted my husband and our future to work. And then it all faded away, in the blink of an eye - I was burying the man I was finally ready to stop fighting. I don't even know what it was I was fighting for. My knack for desiring independence within a relationship was a tough one with a man who wanted the same. I have to believe he knows how I feel today. That I love him, I always did and that someday I will be okay.

Grief and mourning come with insanely diverse emotions, which in a way seem natural to me. It just that this time, I am no longer angry. For the first time in my life, I am not angry anymore. It is almost like he took that pain I was struggling with every day with him. Trust me, I try to get angry...but it's brief if at all... But then again, that may all change with time. And only time will tell.

In Memory II

August 22, 2005 at 2:05am, my husband was shot and killed at the Fairfield Inn by Marriott in Scottsdale, Arizona. An attempted robbery gone bad, he was shot twice, instantly killed by either shot - whichever came first. He had no idea anyone else was in the lobby at the time of his death. He was 25, and I am a 23 year old widow.

Through my grief I have reflected on my previous entries, our fiery relationship, and I have no regrets. I spoke to my husband from 9:30pm until 1:30am that Sunday night - because I could not sleep and I wanted him to know how much I loved him. Out of nowhere, he and I made peace that last weekend together..finally reached an understanding of each other and we wanted to work things out. He finally listened to me. And I finally knew in my heart that he understood. My husband left me in peace and finally gave me the freedom emotionally that I had been looking for.

I wish our marriage had been a smoother ride, but I will always know in my heart that deep down we loved each other more than anything. He was the only man who would stand up to me, and the only man that I never held a doubt in my mind that he loved me unconditionally. He will never be forgotten...and I will love him forever.

I guess this blog now will become a new source of an outlet for me to grieve, mourn and move forward with my life and I want any readers present or future to know that I am at peace with myself in my love for him and he has changed my life forever. I will never be the same and I thank my husband for teaching me about emotions. Feel what you feel and never lie to yourself about it. Just be honest and roll with the punches, we are survivors. We put ourselves through hell trying to figure things out in our heads rather than our hearts and he gave me that peace I had been looking for before he left this world.

My Love Forever, Rest in Peace

Mmmmm Chocolate!

I have eaten exactly 16 pieces of mini-chocolate candies.. I feel GREAT!

This fall I am going to start a 'Sinful Recipes' section for the holiday season, as it is my favorite time of year, full of my faves and classics, since my newly domesticated ass is already plotting and planning holiday treats...stuff like 'Pumpkin Muffins', 'Monkey Bread' and HOMEMADE 'Peanut Butter Cup Pie' (ohmigoshisitGOOD). I am so stoked, gonna try the new bendy baking crap "As Seen on TV" advertises, might work!

I love to eat, so I figured I'd share some of my tummy's favorites with everyone else. I am hoping to add pics as well of my wonderful creations, but that is gonna depend on time, and my flakiness keeping up with learning the basics of this blog..

Feeling Bratty

I'm moody. My Tonka Toy of a car is out of commission, it's old and decided to fall apart right when I wanted to sell it! So I am racing the clock to fix it, sell it and get a newer vehicle. I think I have a pet peeve about sharing transportation.. it makes me absolutely LOONY.

Maybe I have a possessive streak??? I just like MY stuff to be functional... I get pissy when it gets all messed up. Can't help it, and I don't like to share unless I want to.

Chocolate....need chocolate....

I feel like I've had 3 Monday's in a row! Hopefully I will calm down here soon...

On the Dark Side of things...

I am nervous.. flat out nervous. I don't know if I need a sedative (Valium would be PERFECT) or just a miracle. Things seem so strange to me all of a sudden. It's as if I exist on a different planet, and I am not sure of how I got here. Sure, my life is a mess..but I almost feel as if I am losing my grip on things. I am up in the middle of the night cleaning, here blogging (Warden's at work) and just sort of pacing the house, not sure of what to do. Nothing dramatic has happened, I just feel so restless. It's as if I know the climax to a movie, but the fast forward button is broken and I can't get past it. It's driving me nuts.

And I am feeling a wee bit guilty... And I don't know why, I know I shouldn't. I think it has a lot to do with 'our' son here this weekend. I can't help but love children, and I treat his son as my own - and I should. I am his stepmother. But dammit, why does that kid love me so much? It is breaking my heart just a little every moment he wants to sit in my lap and hold onto me and I cannot help but hurt knowing the what I want. Am I being selfish? Is this wrong to do this to a child? I don't think so.. but I cannot compensate for what a father cannot provide his child - love, affection and everything "The Warden" doesn't. I don't think I am actually supposed to. I am a bit confused when it comes to family unity and development, because it does not really exist here in my home. It is ME whom he wants to bond with his son, ME whom 'The Warden' wants to partake in every waking moment of his childs life.

And then if we argue, he blames ME for his own son not loving him the way he loves me.

It's because I am a better person, you dick.

I am sorry readers, but I am not entitled to a life yet - he does not see the purpose of 'friends' or what benefit they have in HIS life, so I have a lot I need to get off my chest sometimes..

Bear with me.. or quit reading it.

Ouch!

I hate teeth - especially when you can't afford dental insurance and have had a toothache for 2 freakin' days! See what happens when you get married? Can't afford shit! I thought it was supposed to be the other way around...

Hmmmm... that's a good question...

My next ex-husband is filling out an application and I am performing a thorough background check prior to any committed involvement.

The Ring

I got the ring back... FINALLY. One year ago my ring was decisively taken away from me by my in-laws because they felt I was unfit to be their son's wife. The ring is an heirloom from my husband's deceased father that he gave to my husband's mother. And she finally decided I could get it back. Go figure! I can't knock the ring though, it is 4 1/2 carats inlayed on 3 bands of 14k gold. That is my vanity speaking... and sinfully, I am glad I have it back. It will hurt more when I leave him. It's been another one of those weekends.. this time, it resulted in a fat lip, a slight bruise on the eye and some back pain and bruises... I fell, in my closet. That's the truth! Just with the assistance of a natural born asshole that thinks he's cute.

I'd much rather rip his heart out than just pack up and leave. So I will cherish the last days of this ring on my finger... I know he is petrified now, and I am at the advantage. He thinks I still love him.

I can be one vindictive bitch.

Deflated

I have lost my hot air. What am I fighting for? I guess it is time for me to take a deep breath and just realize and accept my fate. Or just deal with it. I am too young to be this unhappy, but is rebelling and arguing solving anything? I am destroying someone's heart that I once held dear, now pushing it away and hurting someone who truly loves me. But what is love anyway? Just another messed up emotion that keeps us grasping at dreams that no one believes in anymore. I do not feel I am well suited to committment, unless its unto myself. I find myself to be selfish and demanding, uncompromising and destructive. Then upon reflection, there are torrents of regret and questioning.. did I do the right thing? What if I made a mistake? Will I always be like this? Am I meant to be alone?

These are horrible thoughts to have on a regular basis, but they are always there - what message am I missing? Do I even care? What else do I have to look forward to? Casual sex? Men on as needed basis? Alone time wishing I weren't alone? I haven't resolved those concerns in my head yet. Maybe I just need to get out more and make an attempt at a life and get out of my 'prisoner' status. He can't make me stay home anymore.. I need to breathe, I need to LIVE.

If he can't deal with it, fuck him.

Memories

It is amazing how when things get tough or out of sync, that we reflect on the past, the choices we should have made - the dreams we left behind. In my world, the pieces are merely beginning to crumble. When you awake to the reality that you support someone financially, emotionally, and all you get in return is another argument - usually over money, that they don't even have! I realized this last night, I am the provider and I want to make the decisions... no more disputes over cable, I am paying for it - so I will decide. Why do I need to be told how to spend the money? Sure I am married, but when he hasn't provided half the income, or worked for more than 3 months somewhere at a time... I do think I am entitled to some say so.

And overall, this relationship is just dying. Last night, we argued (no thanks to my $$ realization) and he asked me what I wanted to do? I told him that I don't know yet, because I can't even afford to divorce him, he can't afford to divorce me! He's been telling me for months that he would take care of his child support (they are basing it on a much larger income), that he would get another job or at least a second job...I don't see a positive side to any of this and I don't even care to anymore. It's hard to see the end coming and not be able to do anything about it, yet.

Marriage is supposed to be a growing union - not a soul sucking nightmare.. and I don't believe in it anymore...I don't believe in us. I guess he has just disappointed me too many times to believe in him anymore.

At least pity and regret are no longer my enemy - I don't feel sorry for him, I feel empowered that he is and was nothing without me and that it is time for me to move on. I don't need to be at his level, I am better than that.

Funny, how sometimes you wake up, and things finally start to make sense...

Fear

I have been pondering myself and my actions for the past few days, and I have come to a few realizations. I have first and foremost, some very strong fears. Mainly, I have a fear of failure. Now, as I analyze this fear and reflect on choices I have made while feeling this way... maybe this is how I ended up in the situation I am in today.

I believe that every choice we make in life effects us in some significant way. From lovers, to fights, to alcoholism. Nothing is truly fate or destiny, it's a choice that we make. I have made many choices that I believe I was never truly honest with myself when I made those choices. I feel that I confuse myself in ideas and hopes - and occasional dreams. I hope and try to believe in something rather than just be honest with myself and then I end up in a worse nightmare than I expected. At what point in decision making are we supposed to be thinking clearly? Is it possible to continuously make the wrong choices to try and teach us a lesson? Maybe I am missing something here... And this is a little too possible!

Once upon a time, all I wanted in life was to find my 'self' and happiness..I have never experienced a more extroardinary and horrific time in my life. I have gone from freedom to a personal prison of a lifestyle, where daydreaming is my only friend. Dreaming of a life that no longer exists, of a life that I carry as a crutch to get me through the day. I do not think that is a healthy state of mind. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to my husband.

I have hit a rude awakening, mostly into myself. It is an extremely horrible feeling. I have never felt more negative emotions in my life! I have never felt such spite, anger, frustration and disappointment in myself and towards another person like the way I do now. It actually makes me feel guilty to look at my husband and feel the way I do. How could I let it get this way? How could I feel like this towards another human being, my own husband, the man I was supposed to be with forever? Could it be from the events that have occurred since we got married? Did I expect something more from marriage and not find it in this man? I am going to break his heart, in a way I already have, and its only the beginning. I don't mean to, but at what point do we have to look at what is best for everyone involved. He is married to a woman who despises him and he cannot see that. I love him, but not in the way that a wife should love her husband. It pains me to feel that way knowing that the end will come and he may never understand why.

Maybe this is why I stayed with him in the first place, because I felt bad and I felt sorry for him. And here we are again, struggling for something that doesn't exist. He adores me, and I spit on him.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone - I have a knack for hurting others around me that love me. And at times, I don't even care until it is too late.

Chaos

Another day in the life of Me. And I think I am losing my mind. Yeah, it is most likely stress related, I seem to get flakier the busier I get and I cannot remember the last moment I had to just myself. What I would give for just a moment to myself, sitting alone in a park, or a restaurant reading a book with a nice cup of coffee. It seems every where I go, someone needs me - someone needs my help, needs my attention. I wonder who that 'someone' is, hmmm.. let me guess? Why can't we choose who we want to give and not give attention to? I think it sounds fair.

I think I am truly stressed beyond my means. I don't feel physically burned out, or even emotionally. Maybe mental anguish is actually possible. I have never felt more unlike myself in my life. Usually this would turn into some subliminal rage for me to turn my life around, but I don't even feel any urge to get up and get dressed except that its required to go to work. It is as though I am a zombie, bitter and angry, hungry for anything that crosses my path. I feel more aggressive towards conflict, negative towards problems, and just plain vicious. I think I might have a problem!

So what do I do? Jumping off a cliff doesn't solve my problems. A divorce might. Would that change me? Would that help? Do I remain involved in bad relationships to punish myself for the mistakes I have made emotionally? Do I blame myself that much for the bad decisions I have made? Do I regret that much in my life, that I would live and suffer like this and just to teach myself a lesson? Does that make me a sadist? Or a masochist? Am I torturing myself because of my failures? I have never found less meaning in life or within myself.

I cannot even talk to my mother because I feel that she is angry with me for being in this situation. I feel like I have failed her when she has been there for me and this 'man' thru it all, and he cannot even thank her for what she has done. She has financially supported me as a husband should when he could not or would not. Something not right there...

I only hope that I can be forgiven... maybe I need to forgive myself first I guess.

The Awakening

Wednesday - hump day - the week is almost over, and I do not look forward to it at all. Another weekend of hell, of screams, of dishes breaking, of me losing my mind. And a 3 year old to watch. Do I dare suggest that he not come stay with us this weekend? Well, I would be insulting the almighty ruler of my personal hell...whatever he can think up to be an asshole. But maybe I will get a puppy out of this that I can train to eat him.

I think my new dog will be named Cujo. Cute, huh?

I have spent the past 4 days in tears and sleepless nights because whatever I say upsets him. Talking to my mother upsets him. Trying to better our lives upsets him. Voicing my opinion upsets him.. is it the lack of drugs in his system? Is that even an excuse? Should it be necessary for him to be high to treat me with respect? And payday isn't until Friday - I hate drugs, and I hate men that tell me they need them to eat, to sleep, to not want to rip my throat out of my neck.

I want out.. I can't sneak any of my money out of the bank because he is paying too much attention. I can't tell him he's wrong and cruel because it will keep me up until 3am. I can't breathe or even see my reflection anymore. I have become a shadow of who I once was. Am I bitching and moaning? YES and I don't even care. I knew a year ago I should have left. To where, I didn't know and I thought I would be a failure because I didn't give my marriage a chance. Well here I am now, failing to have a backbone.

I guess these things take time to resolve - that bastard put his hands on me again!!! And then had the nerve to cry about it. And I KNOW he is hoping I will let it slide this time. Well he's got another war coming.... and I hope it rips his heart out of his chest for me to eat right in front of him.

I hope everyone out there remembers, male or female, we all have a set of balls hiding somewhere.

Cheers!