Vanity & Sin

Still alive...and still slammed!

I'm here! And whoopin ass and taking names later!

Unemployed going on three weeks now - so I am in a mild state of panic, but managing. Had 2 interviews with one company last week, met with the Director/President/and COO of the company, so I am staying optimistic! It's the waiting period that is a doozy.

The day of the COO meet, I had the most horrible gut feeling leaving the building needing to call Derek...and lo-an-behold, he had just been in a motorcycle accident not 10 minutes before. Psychic much? He is okay, was in a bit of shock at the time. Fortunately he had all his gear on. Crappy gloves didn't do much to relieve damage to his left hand - but he had surgery that night and I've been Nurse/Mommy/Student FT since then. He had a severe "evulsion" to his left ring finger and 3rd degree burns on his right finger - resulting in 2 skin grafts and a pin to reattach torn ligaments, not to mention most of his nerve endings are gone. We go to the surgeon for a follow up on Thursday this week - so I am hoping for some good news. His road rash is healing well. I've been happily cleaning the gore and pus, literally. Got some great pictures out of it! I just love that stuff..and he loves that I'll goop him up on demand. =)

School. Is. A. Bitch. I have been taking a Research & Statistics course, and I've never hated anything more. My neo-nazi of a teacher is the most uncommunicative nightmare I've ever had to work with! And guess what? I start round 2 tomorrow for the next 5 weeks of statistic freaking fun. This stuff is Chinese to me - I just need to pass and get on with the next. Eek. I'll be happy if I get a "C" here. Math formulas and I are arch enemies, but I must say I comprehend things MUCH better after a lovely dose of Xanax. And a drink. LOL

I'm doing alright folks! For now... Let's hope to hear back from this job and move forward with a new career! I really love the company and their philosophies - so it is my first pick, but I am hoping I do get it so I don't have to resort to some pissant Recruiting job that makes me as miserable as I was before. *Sigh* I'll be okay!! Promise.

I am a Horrific Blog Slacker

It's been an interesting few months for me, and I just haven't had the time to truly sit down and jot out my thoughts - even intermittently. I do now! Thanks to a recent layoff, I am officially a national statistic. But actually rather happy about it. My job was getting to the point of making me physically ill with stress. It feels good to have a fresh start that's been LONG overdue.

Halloween was an absolute blast. Aliyah's first year, she went as a Pirate! Yes she did - and was cute as hell too. My brother's party was another huge success, with only one person getting his life threatened by the Sherwood kids for messing with our baby brother. It was awesome.

Aliyah has been the joy of my days. The Presidential Election is finally over, yet just beginning and I've never been more excited! I really felt a part of something and am so glad I was out standing in line at 6:30am yesterday ready to cast my vote for someone I actually believe in. It's been a great long road, but we made it!

I will post more soon ~ I'm behind on so many things here. But I am alive and well, happy, and optimistic - ready for change, ready for the future. On more levels than I thought I'd ever feel or experience.

And I'm counting down to the most kick ass birthday bash for myself and my bff Rubes!! Now that is going to be one for the history books!!

I'm Alive!

Been busy ~ as always...
Brother was in town ~ awesome!!
Work is killing me slowly...
So is school...
I'll get here to update soon!! All sorts of exciting things happening!!

Aliyah is goofier everyday, and keeps me going no matter how tough it gets. I've never been more blessed...

Some Randoms About Me

Thought I'd jump on the bandwagon on this one! I don't think I've ever 'personalized' about myself on here - aside from immediate needs of ventilation. I'm selective I guess - but maybe I'm due for for some "get to know me" fun!!

1) My birth name (minus my surname(s) is Beatrice Lynn
2) I am named after my grandmother
3) My mother wanted to name me "Nicole Lynn"
4) TOTAL stripper name!! "Nikki Lynn, to the stage please"
5) But maybe then I would have been rich?
6) Maybe not...
7) I love my name
8) I wish I could go back to my maiden name...
9) Maybe soon, maybe not - not up to me yet
10) The judicial system is bullshit
11) My husband's murderer got off on 'insanity' or in politically correct terms, 'incompetent and unrestorable'
12) It broke my heart
13) My heart's been broken a lot
14) I've broken my share of hearts...
15) I'm known for speaking everything on my mind
16) And never what's in my heart
17) I'm working on that - and it feels good to be

18) Everything I've never wanted to happen has happened to me in AZ
19) And I am okay with that
20) I love being a mom
21) I love being a mom more than anything
22) 10 years ago, I would have slapped the shit out of myself for that statement...
23) 2 years ago I would have
24) I don't know if I'll have another chance to be a 'mom' again
25) But I've accepted that too
26) I've discovered that I can do anything I set my mind to
27) That includes FT Work, FT School, and FT Mom...
28) Some days I really question why I put so much on myself all the time
29) But I have never been broken
30) I worry that I am unbreakable
31) I honestly wish that I could be able to just break down and cry
32) I haven't had a good cry in almost 3 years
33) I think that's the last time I ever really cried about anything
34) It's the day I put my husband into the ground
35) I don't ever want to bury another husband
36) I love to live, laugh, and love
37) My friends mean as much to me as my own blood
38) There's one who means so much more
39) I really miss him
40) I'm in the midst of a crazy adventure to raise my daughter right with her father
41) I wish I could just pack her up and run away
42) I am ready for a change
43) I am ready to move forward
44) I am ready to start fresh!
45) I absolutley love change
46) I think change loves me sometimes too
47) I think about him 24/7
48) I'm a fighter and survivor
49) A bit of a rebel too
50) I've shaved my head in the past
51) Several times actually
52) I still don't really care what people think
53) I am over-dedicated to my job
54) I am always analyzing and plotting
55) I always have a plan
56) My AZ friends call me "The Dude"
57) Most of them are pretty sure my balls are bigger than their's are
58) They might be right about that
59) But they don't really know me either
60) I've grown up a lot in the past 7 years
61) Maybe 7 years is a lucky number this time
62) I have a habit of being psychic
63) I have a habit of being a Scorpio
64) Tattoos are a part of my life
65) Getting more and re-do's soon too
66) I'm not your "girly girl" next door
67) I'm the chick throwing the football party and doing beer-bongs
68) Well, no more beer bongs without a sitter
69) I hate that finding a sitter is horrific
70) I am homesick on a several day a week basis
71) My visits aren't making it go away anymore
72) Home truly is where your heart is
73) I know exactly where my heart is
74) I really miss him a lot
75) I know I'll see him again real soon
76) I have learned that life is only a lesson
77) And death always comes too soon
78) I've realized that I'm still grieving
79) I may always be grieving
80) But I know that's okay and nothing to hide from
81) I have pushed a lot aside in my life
82) I am taking a lot of it back
83) I love going to school
84) I am a geek
85) Really, I am a closet nerd...
86) But the people who know me best already knew that..
87) I miss talking to people about things 'geeky'
88) I love my friends
89) I can't wait for another chance
90) I can't wait til September
91) I can't wait til October
92) I look forward to every day coming
93) I look forward to being able to just breathe again
94) I've busted my ass to be where I am at today
95) I am proud of myself when I look in the mirror
96) I am happy that he is still proud of me
97) I can easily read just about anything in people's eyes
98) I'm an open book too
99) Only when I choose to
100) I've chosen to now

Happy Flu!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!!

What a great week so far! I haven't felt this good in a LONG time - even with all the bullshit going on. I just got a surprise promotion yesterday - and I start that on Monday! After all the years of crap here, at last some recognition. Going to be working in a new office, with new people in an entirely new environment that works so well for my degree, it's scary. It's exciting because it's a great step forward that I have really wanted and needed - didn't really think they'd give me this opportunity. So kudos to me!!

I am getting excited about the upcoming fall too! Matt should be home by Labor Day. He starts that lengthy journey home very soon. Things are almost squared away to where I can move into my own new place, and I even made some more travel plans for me and my monkey! My mom should be here in early October to help out with Aliyah & chill out in the dry Arizona warmth ~ I can't wait for her to be here!! Things are really starting to look up for me as the year hits the countdown to 2009.

It's just feeling really good to be on the right path again that I've stepped aside from for so long, just letting things pass me by. I haven't felt this optimistic in a long time! I am really looking forward to the next few months to come - bringing me lots of change, chances, fun and LOTS to look forward to. More than some people thought I would, I think... But I am excited!! I'm doing what I want, my way - and I've never felt better about it.

I may just have to make some jello shots to celebrate - because there is much celebrating to do!!

Yesssss - I'll share...

You Know It's a Good Day...

When someone (not a co-worker thank god!) craps (yes, the doo doo) in both of your garbage cans in your bathroom at work, doesn't tell anyone - funks up the entire office, doesn't say anything...

And you can still smile about it at the end of the day!! I'm actually still laughing pretty hard about it..

Heatwave V

What an amazing weekend I had! Heatwave V - courtesy of AGE Entertainment, was just the best time ever!! My first poker game EVER (and I didn't bust out!) - an unbelievably good time with good friends, food, and tons of fun! Ed put on such an amazing magic show & I got completely blitzed!! I haven't laughed so hard in a LONG time...wow, am I a goofball.

A much needed getaway that was so heartwrenching to part from... but I can't wait til next year!! I have 12 months to practice - and then it's ON!

Thank you Dave, Ed, & Krissy for putting up with me, letting me wash your dishes, and participating in another one of your fantabulous events of the year!! Aliyah & I will be back!

Happy 4th of July!!

Happy 4th everyone!!

I hope everyone has a safe & wonderful weekend!! Mine is sure to be quiet...more news to come. Miss Mommy Bea is taking it easy this weekend - and it rained like a sonofabiscuit tonight, so no fireworks for me...but at least it was cancelled for a legit reason versus the risk of wildfires?

And thank god it rained...I was beginning to think I was in hell.

My brother is packing to come home from Iraq ~ this year has gone by rather fast & not quite fast enough at the same time. I'm looking forward to him being back on U.S. soil - something about that makes me feel just a bit safer...

Thanks Matt for fighting for our freedom that we continue to celebrate today, I love you bro. I can't wait til your home again - cuz we're gonna get DRUNK!! Grandma can take our daughters for a night?

Freakin Finally!!!

Finally some refreshing music from bands who've been quiet...

Staind - The Illusion of Progress - coming out in August!! OMFG!! The song 'Believe' is just incredible...lyrics posted above of course.. and talk about WOW. Where the hell has THAT song been?

Shinedown - The Sound of Madness - Available Now!! OMFG!! That's where I found 'If You Only Knew'...a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Just my musical update - I'm such a junkie for good stuff! Time to update my good ol' iPod ~ update my music and jam out!!

Holy Update

Wow. I just realized that I have really been slacking on posts! I must admit, the holidays were really rough for me. Flat out depressing honestly. Being pregnant and going through my supposed favorite time of the year was horrific. I think I did nothing but stare at the tv and cry off and on New Year's Eve. It was awful.

But the good news is that I am B.A.C.K.! I had my daughter Aliyah Teresa on February 20th at 4:21pm ~ 7lbs 3oz of love ~ 20 inches long. She is 3 weeks old today and I actually have a moment to be on here! She is changing so much and so quickly. Motherhood has definitely slapped me in the mouth - and whoever thought I'd be good at this owes me a drink. I have never been more tested in my life. I love my daughter to death - but wow - it's tough. And Derek hasn't really gotten his feet wet yet - but that's another story. Let's just say I may as well be a single mom? I tihnk he may be a bit intimidated - and I have to put my foot up his ass?

I have realized more about myself and my current so-called relationship pretty quicky since Aliyah's arrival. All is well - but life really did throw me for a loop. More to come!

Happy Holidays 2007

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving yesterday! I know I ate more than my share of food - a plate for me & a plate for the baby! I am doing well, a bit homesick, but excited about the holiday season coming up. I guess this is my one time a year to get girly and do some decorating! I love decorating my house for Christmas - and this year I am going to take up a bit of baking.

Yes. Baking. The lovely art of crafting delicious cookies from scratch as I pull my hair out, scream and get into the holiday spirit. Well it's my first attempt, and I know I can do it. It will be interesting and Derek said he'd already be prepared with the camera. I am certain there will be interesting pictures.

The tree will be going up tomorrow and I cannot wait to start decoration shopping after work. I am trying to grasp some Christmas cheer - which is proving to be rather difficult this year since our weather has been so warm. At times, it's a bit difficult to get the spirit going while gazing at palm trees and blue skies - but then, I don't know if I'd really give that up. The midwest does seem to be tugging at me though ~ maybe in the next few years, I'll plan a holiday back home!

Warm Holiday Wishes to All!!

Another Day, Another Resignation...

Reading the news this morning, it took a few seconds to let it sink in just who resigned from office today.. Our very own Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales has resigned. This is only the FOURTH TOP RANKING ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL that has left the White House.

Does anyone else notice a problem?

Life could not be any more interesting!

I am discovering that life will never let you down on being bored. I had a rather interesting week! To summarize, I am currently recovering from surgery due to two baseball sized cysts on my ovaries and an ectopic pregnancy - that I didn't even know I had until after over 24 hours of excruciating pain and lots of fun tests last weekend. I would have updated sooner, but today is the first day that I have been functional enough mentally to post - I may do a lot of posting here for a while, since I will be off for at least another week or two. It's been rather difficult for me to 'rest', since I am a rather hyperactive person who needs to keep moving, but it's kind of a big deal for me to sit tight so I can heal. My future in motherhood is being challenged by a lovely thing called 'endometriosis' but this is a challenge that I intend to take head on and conquer. Thank god for the support of family and friends, and especially Derek.

Derek has remained ridiculously calm through all of this. When in the ER last Saturday being told that I was pregnant about flipped my lid ~ and he remained calm and asked all the right questions. When they said that it was lodged in my fallopian tube and life-threatening, he remained supportive and calm - my rock. Amazing how much credit I haven't given him, but in the moments of chaos, my youthful love has been the stability that I have needed to lean on. Amazing that after a year and a half I am just starting to see that he truly is more of a man that I give him credit for, and these ridiculous events that keep occurring to test my faith and strength, he has never faltered on. For being 23, he is definitely stronger than I ever thought, and I am very glad to have him in my life. Which leads me to another tale entirely, but that will be a revolutionary moment that I will post here shortly.

I am beyond grateful for having him in my life. There are few people that I know I can count on, and love beyond words, and I am glad that he is one of them. I finally see how fortunate I am to have come as far as I have, and to have had the support along the way through my eventful life.

Oooh..I was mad!

Just re-read that last entry... All is well now - but I crack myself up. Thankfully - in regards to that situation - he listened & all is well. I like that.

It's nice to have someone (a) let you vent, (b) love you anyway, (3) understand when they offend you and upset you, and (4)...let you know when you're being a turd too!!

Someone pushed a button...

Spring is upon us again - and it is again time for those moments that I go through every few years. The moments of turmoil, change and adjusting for a new path.. I am ready. I think I could possibly be seasonal woman.

What has set me off on this escapade this time? Well, where do I begin?

Someone had the nerve to tell me that it's been almost 2 years since my husband died and I should be over it by now. Why? Because I was upset that his would-be 27th birthday is coming up, and frankly, I AM NOT OVER IT.

The reality of realizing that those around you, those 'friends', those 'lovers' - are supposed to believe in you is amazing..because most of them don't. If it didn't happen to them, it isn't real. Well, my pain is real. My life is real. My past IS real. And it is not over for me yet. I am the lucky widow who is still going through legal battles, court dates and an unknown future because my life is on FUCKING HOLD. I cannot do anything until this is over.

Oh, I am sorry if I am not 'in love'. In love with what? In love with who? Life is about functioning and surviving - I've been in love and it landed me in a state of literal misery and growing experiences. I have nothing left to love. I left my heart 2000 miles away, and the only man with the balls enough to even revive me is dead. The strongest person I know took 2 bullets to his head and I still miss him! Is that a sin? Is that a crime? It was my husband, and the last person who I knew believed in me, in something beautiful no matter how ugly the world - and the only person to make me dream again since I left Illinois.

I am done everyone - I give up. I hate pretending, and my time is coming where I can be free. Papers to sign, trials to attend - and then I am done. I can't live a fake life - I cannot live pretending everything is 'coming up roses'... because it isn't.

Some people are in love with the mystery of life, the mysteries of things beautiful that they will never understand. Their minds are too clouded with fairytales to see what has been waiting for them all along. And they won't be there to see it when it leaves.

I am in love with no one but myself. Because I am all I've got. Any man strong enough to stand up to that ~ would be an amazing moment - but I doubt it will ever happen again. People say I don't give them a chance... then I guess I should just be alone then. Maybe that's why he died ~ to set me free at last...

Life as we know it..

I have been extremely awful about keeping this blog up to date ~ Life has been just that wacky for me. I have a tendency to get mentally 'flaky' when there is a lot going on in my mind! While this blog is supposed to help that, I have been unlucky to find the time to ever update this even when I need to the most. I am pretty much in the same place I was as before - not much has changed and I doubt that it will until later this year when the reality of my life will begin to crumble again when I face my fears and hope for the best for my family.

My 'little' brother is going to Iraq. My best friend, my blood, my life ~ is going overseas to Baghdad to fight for a cause that I do not believe in and I have never felt more emotions in my life! His daughter will be 1 yrs old this month, and he is leaving in August for a minimum of 18 months, for a President who doesn't even know what we are fighting for. I believe in my brother, but I don't believe in the system. I don't really think he does either, but I can only pray for the best. I just feel like my heart is breaking all over again...

Thanks to his patriotism and committment to our country, my mother is extremely depressed. My dad is barely speaking to anyone - they seem to be in some sort of fog while dealing with this. You must understand, we are not a military family, nor have we ever been advocates for the United States government. We are not anarchists, but we just don't believe in the system that has been forced upon us. Nor do we think it is fair for our son's and daughter's to be dying in a war that has been going on far too long...

And the funny thing about all this ~ I cannot stop thinking about my husband. I keep dreaming about him and he has truly been my only comfort in dealing with this. But I cannot lose my brother too. A dead person has been my only shoulder to lean on and I have never been more thankful for my dreams...

Happy Belated New Year!

It has been that insane... News coming soon!!

Holidays

I am definitely slacking this year. I have not begun christmas shopping, gotten my x-mas party dress or anything. I do have the tree up! Lights too! But that's about it. I am pretty excited. This is Derek's and my first Christmas, and I pretty happy to be sharing it with him. Last year, we both spent it alone, we didn't know each other then - but the holidays just weren't the holidays. We are both looking forward to holiday, and I am happy that this year, it is a celebration. I definitely needed it! I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and a lot to conquer next - why not celebrate and just enjoy what life has blessed me with?

I think that is a phenomenal idea!! Yep, happy and content is a wonderful thing.

Super Update

I have been MIA for the past few months, for a few good reasons! Other than me being a neglective ass... I have been busy with working full time/plus, school full time and managing a rather eventful personal life. I just recently moved to Scottsdale, Arizona (town-hopper, I am) with my boyfriend. YES, huge committment, YES I am freaking out about it..but oh well. We'll see what happens. NO I am not engaged, nor looking to be..I just have a pleasant relationship with someone who cares about me. Those are hard to come by, but when you live with someone, you can truly determine whether you are going to be with someone or not..and with him, I am learning quite a few things that I really needed to know.

Work is going great. I am getting a bit worn out by the 26 miles each way to work, but I still love what I do..and I know there is something wrong with me there...

I LOVE SCHOOL!! I will say it! I am getting a 3.83 GPA right now, and I like it a lot. I am really glad that I buckled down to go back to school. I am doing it all on my own, monetarily and WOW do student loans rack up quick. But thank god that those are all deferred until 2010. That's niiiicceee..

...As for my relationship. It's good, simple..and... going. There are a few things that I am rather uncertain about, but I am working on figuring those out. Why pass up a good thing if nothing is wrong? I just know that I am at that point where some decisions are going to need to be made..I guess I am thankful that I am in a lease so I have til next September to figure all that out. I am afraid that if I dump him I will regret it later. Derek is so wonderful and sweet, but I am still learning about him and some things I have to get used to. As I am sure he does too! I am not all rosy myself. So we'll see.. so far so good and good times. That's all I can ask for at this point.

I have survived the one year of Matt's death..and it was beautiful. I spent the anniversary in California at Huntington and Newport Beach (our faves). Derek actually came with and made sure I didn't go dive and drown in the ocean, and I am glad he did. I really needed someone there and he stepped right up to bat. Now the holidays are here, and I am actually excited! It was Matt's favorite time of year..I put up my new tree and decorations with Derek - and tomorrow now, he is my captive to put ornaments up and the angel. Christmas eve I will put up Matt's ornament myself..

2006 has been really good to me! I have a feeling that 2007 is going to be an enlightening one.

The Definition of a Goddess...

'a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration'

July Already?

Holy cow.. it's already July! I have come quite a long way in the past 11 months.. and pretty darn happy about it too. Let's see, what's new?

First, I started school at the end of last month. I have finally decided to take the epic voyage and return to my education. I am currently working on my B.A. for Business Management and then onto my Master's for HR Management. If that is still my goal once I am done with school. I am liking it so far, but it's only the beginning. We shall see how it goes!

Second, I have come to terms on a lot of different things in my life. Never one to get much out of anyone but myself, I have put behind me my cries for help and shoved myself face first into the muck of my life. It is rather rewarding to accept the things I cannot change and take care of me, myself and I. I have had a lot of backs turn on me since my husband died. I even feel this way with my family. They were once so eager to help when I had marital problems, but he's been gone almost a year - and I am back to their rebellious, black sheep daughter mode, where they let me work out my messes alone. Which is fine by me, I didn't want their help anyway. I had hoped that they would be supportive of my return to school - got no response. They could care less stuck in their own world. So I support me, my friends support me - and that's about all I've got. I still love my family, but they are no different than they ever will be. Their independent daughter has turned her back again too, to move forward with her life whether they like it or not. To be honest, I think if I was in a deep depression - starving and wanting to die because my husband did..they would have my back and make sure I am okay. But my strong desire to live and be strong has cast me aside... I kind of like it this way, I still love proving people wrong.

I am plotting a mini-vacation for August, and versus going to see my family - I am going to California, alone and I cannot wait! It will be so wonderful and beautiful to see the ocean again and just relax and enjoy 'Bea Time'. That is what I need the most. Me.

I'll update more soon along with some new pics of fun in the Arizona sun!!

Me in Bisbee, Arizona!

This is me in front of my nifty little new favorite town, Bisbee sign... I went there with "D" memorial day weekend, and had the most wonderful, RELAXING time. A much needed vacation, much overdue... Next, we are plotting a trip to Mexico for the weekend.. I love living out west!

Until next time!

Thankful...

So my last post... I have resolved. I am 5 months into one of the best relationships yet. We have talked about everything. My insane moments, my moods - my expectations, and vice versa.. on the expectations at least! I am utterly amazed, proud and happy that we did - "D" has been extremely patient and understanding and best of all, willing to share my moments, memories and future..

Now! How long will that last, and is this for real? Those are questions that I am leaving on the backburner, because I couldn't ask for more right now.. or ever. He's absolutely wonderful and I truly met him at the right time in my life. He has been a huge part in the healing and growing process through this whole experience. It's something I never thought I'd find in a person.. ever.. and here it is right in front of me.

All I can be is thankful..

Memorial Day...

Soo... scratch the Oklahoma thing.. too far to drive. Car is NOT in the best condition.. So "D" and I are going to Bisbee, Arizona! A nifty little hippy town south of Tucson, by Tombstone - Mexico - other small/OLD towns. I am so excited.. and so is he! Hopefully I'll get spoiled this weekend, but I am looking foward to seeing some new sites, checking out some Arts/Crafts fairs - and going on a mining tour (yeah, I can be down to earth!).. It will be a nice getaway in the mountains... Much needed and long overdue!! Will get some pics up too!

Happy Tuesday!

Ahh, what a week! I came into work at 6:30am to invest some time in BEA... I have been so busy working and helping others, I seem to have forgotten what I was initially looking for - for myself. I so desperately need to move forward with my life, and I've been stuck spinning in circles for too long.

At the end of the month, my boyfriend and I are going to Lawton, OK for my niece (Trinity Beatrice) and her christening. I am the godmother and my baby bro is the godfather. I cannot wait!! My Memorial Day weekend will be memorable - seeing my parent's and my brother's for the first time since my husband died.. will be a great reunion and one of much better circumstance. It's going to be wonderful!!

More updates soon!

I'm Highly Entertained....

By the ways of the world around me. Observing immigrant protests to roommates working out their horrific differences.. to odd disputes that aren't even really important. It really makes me take a look at myself and see how far I've come.

Yesterday, someone said to me 'You must be a handful'. Not really folks, just no more bull shit - from anyone. I don't need it, it's a waste of time and energy. If people would just stop being vague and move forward with life - it may sting some, but things actually work out better in the long run. So many people waste time involving themselves in things they are no part of, and really shouldn't be..

The hilarity is gonna kill me.

Hello Again!

I am alive and well...been living my ever adventurous life, and haven't had the time to update! Things are absolutely fabulous though....

I officially have a new home - a great roommate, and things are going good their. "D" and I are doing great, having fun as usual - no stress, no drama - just perfect. I have never had more fun with someone in my life! Everything is an adventure... and I am so open to new things and he is definitely one to not be boring. So far so good!

Going to Chicago for St. Patrick's Day weekend and going to meet my new Godson. I am really excited, a nice little reunion with friends that is much needed...

But the most important thing....
KORN IN CONCERT THIS SUNDAY!!

Why is it that our pasts creep up in the present and our worlds begin to collide? Memories left behind arising to only bring questions and uncertainty to our lives. I am happy where I am, and it's being affected by those I once loved - that throw me off with their sudden feeling, things that I needed years ago - that are now closed off because my faith no longer lies in them. My faith lies within me, because I am all I have left.

I never meant to hurt anyone - and I am sorry "D" - you know how I feel about you and we'll make it through this together. Thank you for being patient with me through these rough days... I really need you right now and thank you for being there when I've needed you most.

Some things you didn't know....

Mmmmhmmmm...That was pretty messed up!

Where I've been....

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks Dave! This is freaking sweet! I am hoping to attack the east coast more someday... I notice how I kept going south... LOL. Gnarly! I like to travel I guess, and most of these I hit when Matt and I traveled summer 2004. It's nice to see on a map. Good things, good things...

Guess Who II

Sooo...I tried being creative and learn how to insert a pic...HA! Well now I can't even find that previous entry to fix it. Go figure...

BUT I AM SEEING KORN & MUDVAYNE IN MARCH!!! HA HA HA HA HA. Those who know me, know my obsession with Korn, this is lucky number 7 - got pretty decent seats, and I am definitely planning on losing my voice.

Rock on!

Falling into place...

Things have taken a dramatic turn...and things are finally falling into their place. For reasons I wish not to state - I am staying in Arizona...Will tell those select few later - sorry, I still love you all though! I have found a roommate, she is awesome! I sold my Cougar when I thought I would have to sell my soul for gas money - one less headache, and I should be getting an apartment with my new roomie within the next week! It couldn't be better...

This guy I am 'seeing' - because we aren't dating, but I am not 'seeing' anyone else either nor is he - is awesomely unique. He's cool, he makes me laugh - he let's me go away when I need to. And he has the body of a GOD!! Don't know where this is headed, but I am thankful that I have a warm body to sleep next to on occasion...pretty often actually... he he he. And we just have flat out FUN. Right now I need to have fun. My new year is off to a better start than expected. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

Yeah, there are still nips in the bud - like my current landlord being a jerk-off bastard, but I knew that since Matt died and he didn't even send his condolences and we helped pack that bastard's truck and they drank beers together.. shows how much people really give a damn about nothing but their own wallets and could care less about anything else...but if I was a greedy S.O.B., I'd probably be the same way. My disgust in his lack of humanity is rather colorful at this point. F-Him.

Someone told me I look younger than I did a week ago... that was my compliment of the week - cuz I feel younger. Finally.

Nano nano nano

Merry Christmas! I had the company x-mas party last night - got totally trashed (wine and whiskey = hangover). I made it home safe thanks to carpooling and a paid driver. But for x-mas - the owner's bought everyone an iPod Nano! How neat!! And I am actually able to use the damn thing. Thank goodness for directions. So yeah, I feel cool - I feel better at the moment...The real holiday is coming, but I should make it through okay. Now that I have a new toy to play with, I am sure to stay busy!! Yes, flaky blonde moment Queen Bea is actually growing a brain cell and currently downloading songs to my new iPod! It's easier than I thought! So off to Best Buy and Home Depot today! I need to pick up some home improvement stuff and maybe some neato accessories for my new favorite Nano...he he he. I get too much of a kick out of the smallest things!

Passion at the Party Palace

I am hosting my first 'Passion Party' today - I am rather excited. I love attending them, and now with this big empty house, I figure - why not?? I am pretty stoked about it - getting the girls rounded up - laughing and getting our drink on. I WILL be taking pictures - so they should hopefully be up this week at some point.

I have been pretty much been taking it easy - had no voice for 8 days, I have it back, but do I feel fatigued! I pulled a 13 hour shift yesterday for work - I am beat, and ready for some relaxation. And for those who keep asking - are Boom and I dating - - NO. He is my new best buddy-we just click rather well for only having met about a month ago. So we will just leave it at that. He is a great friend and someone I thoroughly enjoy talking to when we do get together and we always have a blast...like Miss Rubes said - 'You two are fucking crazy'. It's fun..and it's always fun to have good friends around.

Hopefully this party will flow well - I will update soon! (Having the computer back up at home has helped a bunch with posts!!) Thanks Dave-O!!

The Long Road

I took some time to reflect through the previous entries - I have really come a long way since all of this happened! And it's so good to see. Sedona was fantastic, beautiful and COLD - but wonderful, and we took a lot of pics! I am working on getting those up - so bear with me. I still have pictures from a birthday party 2 weeks ago that I haven't even developed. My flakiness has not faltered one bit!

I just feel so alive again, confident and happy. Whether or not it will last, I don't really know...but I at least have felt better for days solid at a time versus hours at a time. It's a start and a new beginning.. I am listening to music I haven't listened to since before I met Matt - relaxing and enjoying time to myself...meeting new people that are all wonderful and great people to be around. I couldn't ask for more! I don't feel like I need to run and hide - or escape. I feel pretty darn content for the first time in months...and it's a beautiful feeling!

Hungover

OKAY! My birthday yesterday was FABULOUS!! Happy hour after work...3 Long Island's and a Kamikaze later - I was off to Ladies Night in Tempe - where I got plastered. Plenty of birthday shots, dancing - Ruby trying to con me into line dancing and karaoke - not going to happen. Finalized by a lovely headache this morning and a long long day at work. I swear I was still drunk driving to work this morning! But it was a blast - 24 and so much more to go.. I guess it's not too bad to celebrate another year in the eventful life of Bea.

But I am going to Sedona this weekend with Rubes - girl time, fun time and relaxation. I need to get out of this city for a day or so - I am really looking forward to it!

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween! YEA! Okay - not that excited...had a great time at my brother's Halloween party, pics will be up this week I hope! His house was decorated to the max and it looked great...and so did the numerous jello shots that we consumed! It was nice to hang out with the big bro - and get wasted. Yet I sorta drank myself sober, by 2am I was tired and definitely not buzzed. But it was okay - there was no hangover and that made it all better!

Yes folks, in a much better mood today....

Dark

Someone told me this site is dark...and it's true I guess. So I thought I would address it.

Yes, this site is dark - I feel dark inside and this is the part of me that you don't see every day. There is no mask here, no pretending - just me and how I feel. Once I feel better - maybe it won't be as dark. Sometimes things in life just don' t improve overnight. Things take time, wounds heal slowly. And if people can respect that, than I am okay with that. I don't want anyone thinking this will just fade with each passing day. I am having an extremely rough time. I find myself unable to open up - even to those I lean on and trust the most, even to myself.

When a loved one dies - it hurts, it destroys, it weakens. And I have a reputation for being strong, but I am not as strong as people think. This is different. And it isn't going away anytime soon. I am not asking for anyone to understand, just don't tell me that I'll get over it - because I don't even know if and when I will. Death sucks, and I am trying to be optimistic, but sometimes it feels good to just let the hurt...hurt. The stronger I hold up my walls of strength, the harder they fall on top of me when I lose my grip. And that is harder to bounce back from than to just allow myself to feel for the first time in my life.

It took death to make me take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I refuse to feel. To get through this, I need to feel and I need to be open about it. People can go kick rocks if they can't deal with that.

Dell = Crap

So my 'at home' PC has exploded, imploded, or basically eaten itself...so posts for the time being will be brief if any and from work. I have had more issues with computers since the day I got my first one 6 years ago. No sound, viruses - bad processor's - motherboards burned to smithereens...the usual...

Next the damn thing will get cancer and cough up something ugly. I think I should just get a new one...
Hmm... Birthday coming up!!!

Guess what type of Fairy I am?

You are a fire fairy. You are passionate and daring
and bold, and can be quick to anger. Yay! look
at the lovely picture!


What type of fairy are you?(with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Found this rather interesting, and TRUE! I love this site!! Now anyone who knows me, tell me what you think! And feel free to let me know what type of Fairy you are too!

Goddess

You are the goddess of water:You are always very
relaxed and calm around others and you tend to
make friends fairly easily.The bad side is
people can't tell when you are being serious
and when your not.


What type of goddess are you???????WITH BEAUTIFUL(AND I MEAN BEAUTIFUL) PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

The ironic thing about this is that I never used to be this way, calm and relaxed. But lately most definitely. Other's have commented on it too. My calmness, with brief outbursts of energy that are lost as quickly as they emerge. Astrologically, I am a water sign. Still waters run deep. These tests are wierd yet to the point. I guess I am evolving. Aren't we all?

Relaxation

I had such a fabulous weekend with Dave. We drove north to see the Grand Canyon, it was fabulous. Spending time with him has been the most calming and relieving sensation I've had since my husband's murder. I needed him to be here, I needed to see him again. He is such a great friend and I am lucky to have him as one...

And then he left, and I cried in my car. I truly am alone out here. I have 'friends' - but their friendships just aren't the same, and now that Matt's gone - I don't know what I have left here anymore. I have never felt more alone in my life and I don't know what I am going to do.

So I am off to see 'Cold' tonite, for me - because they rock, and hopefully I can snag a few autographs, and yes, I will you send you one Dave.

Joy, Oh Joy!

Well it has been a few days, hasn't it? I spent the weekend with my mom and had such a blast! From shopping, to more shopping - and then tattoos! Yes, my mother got a tattoo...and once I figure out how to upload a pic onto this darn thing, I will be able to show the public that yes, my mom got her first tattoo. Why is this amazing? Considering that I have a very conservative father and a heavy metal hippie for a mom - it's about time she did something she wanted to do! We went out to tat ourselves in memory of my husband. No names, or epitaphs...just something to symbolize him...and yes, I got one too. Initially, we were going to get hummingbirds (and I still am) - but I really wanted an angel...and I found one, modified it and tattooed the biggie onto the middle of my back. It's beautiful and freaking sore...My mom got a hummingbird on her ankle with a yellow rose - it's so pretty!

So for all my 'vanity and sins' - I am still a rough around the edges broad who likes to tattoo myself. I am only up to 4, for the time being. We'll see what happens next!

My best buddy Dave is coming into town Thursday, so hopefully we'll behave..as best we can. He's been my Super Trooper for about a decade, and it's gonna be great to see him again. Its been almost 3 years - and I am looking forward to it like a crack addict about to get a paycheck. It's going to be fantabulous to see him, drink coffee, smoke cigs and brainstorm for hours about things that mean nothing and everything at the same time. Or at least do something stupid to laugh about for years to come - we've been working on a coffee 'date' for years! I am sure I will have tales and plenty of thoughts in the near future...

Until we meet again!

Functioning Well

Okay - the auction sucked. It was far from what it was hyped up to be. I should have guessed. But I tried to be social. Came home and slept great. I have to work tomorrow for a good 6 hours, but that's okay. Overtime works for me.

As a whole, I feel better. I think a lot about things, and where I am headed. I really cannot predict the future, but at least I know what I want and expect from myself. I guess that's a start. And that is all I can ask for. I may be diving into a life forgotten, but after so long being stuck at home...I hate being here now. Sitting here alone drives me batty. I will grow out of it in time. I just hate all the adjusting, and I can only hope to make the right decisions - but I can only take it one day at a time. It's hard not to know what to do with yourself at times.

I was able to listen to the music I put together for the wake for the first time - and I didn't cry. I slept really well and it was just beautiful to dream again.

Funny, Life is...

I was just re-reading some previous entries... I really was a lost girl. I was scared to be alone, and angry at my husband (he had pushed me around a bit when I started this blog) - I have a tendency to be a decisive, ballsy, bitch. I obviously didn't have the balls to DO anything - and then he is killed - and now I just don't know WTF. We collided - two powerful people trying to maintain control. I still loved him. And it was NEVER boring.

I am a destructive broad and loud about it. And then I just rebuild and move on. I am kind of going through that now.. rebuilding, but rather than my life...I am rebuilding my 'self' and it really kinda sucks that it took something like this to make me face my self and my reality of who I am.

I didn't go running to anybody on my good days with my husband...which surprisingly were more often than I let on. Now look at me... Yes, folks - I have a tendency to be a mook. (Mook = idiot)

Work To Do

Feeling okay today - almost as if I have a grip on things... and BOY do I have a lot to do! Nothing about death is easy or easily resolved. If I could resolve all this and move on NOW, I would be one happy woman - but no. There are all the little things...

For example, my husband was killed at work - workman's comp. The company has decided to get really really quiet all of a sudden too. Hmmm... I can only be vague about details at this point, but I have aquired an attorney - and someone's balls are going to be crushed, if I have my way.

There is no price on someone's life - but hello! I have bills, I have lost a source of income - It would be different if it was a divorce or a breakup with a live-in boyfriend... but no, he was murdered at their place of employment. What the hell are they going to do for me? True, I am a pretty independent and self sufficient woman - but shouldn't they offer something? I know I can survive, because I always do - but I feel like I have been robbed. They sure as hell can't bring him back. No amount of money can...but I feel like I want to choke that company. He was murdered, at work, in Scottsdale, Arizona. People just don't GET murdered there..it's not that type of town. It's elite, uppity, and rich. Him being shot was the last thing on our minds when he decided to work there. It just doesn't happen, and it did. I am at an advantage, because the cops have pressure to maintain an image there - and they are actually doing their job, so that is somewhat comforting. But this Corporation is being a bit too vague - and I truly hope they are thinking I will just mosey along without saying anything. Being selfish IS key now, someone chose to shoot him twice - I am choosing to NOT take it in the ass. I may be young, but I am far from stupid.

I would say that is pretty damn simple. Grief is tough, but being pissed off helps a lot.

The Warden

I have come up with a new name for the 'Thing' - he is officially now "The Warden". I find that more fitting to how he treats me or reacts to me asking if I can have a life. My marriage may be going down the drain, but at least I was the one to decide to flush this shit out of my life. =P It's the little things that make me feel good, and those are too few and far between lately.

And the BEST news at the moment is that he finally is going back to his old job, which means free internet time for me at night (since I will be alone at last 3-4 nights a week. I have never been more excited. More money in our pocket, I get to get a newer vehicle that RUNS and finally feel a bit more confident about bills getting paid. I have cracked the whip, took 'The Warden' a good 4 months to figure it out - but so far so good.. My path for freedom has begun!

PMS

No one likes a woman PMSing. It's not a safe environment to be in, and I am willing to admit that. Due to my increased hormone (estrogen) level that was discovered in early 2002 - I at least have a legitimate excuse as to why I have a tendency to be a bitch. But why would a man choose to mess with a woman when she is PMSing?! WTF? So I am going to need another new outlet (which he is pissy about this too).. I feel like a starved pit bull locked in a kennel with duct tape around my mouth and a steak in front of me...

I am signing up for Kickboxing classes. Let him piss me off now!

Temporary Status

Soooo... a little bit about ME. What I do for a living is deal with people - 8 hours + a day, I am here to service you. I am a Staffing Coordinator for a staffing agency (how I ended up here was pure Bea Luck/Personality). I started out as a file clerk, but my bosses loved how people loved me. Anyone that knows me, knows I can talk to just about anyone about anything - I can be pretty bubbly when I want to, and judge a persons character within a good 60 seconds of meeting them. That really helps make my job easier.. I call 'em like I see them..

It's a pretty stressful job at times, due to #'s, and keeping these fools at WORK. But thanks to my playing - cuteness, and social ability to please, the majority of them keep coming to work and pick up their checks.

But some of them are absolute MORONS! Oh my goodness... it's insane. I am hoping with this experience to move into a more HR role where numbers are no longer a factor, but client/business relationships are the most important. Plus, HR pays better. I am praying for that biggie raise here soon (September is the deadline) - but I just have to wait and see. Sometimes I feel they like me cuz of my perky boobs and confident "I own you" nature. If it pays me more though, the more $ the merrier! It's my ticket outta here! I will take what I can get so I can take it with me... far far away.

And now I have a nifty job fair to prepare for..FUN FUN FUN!!!

Happy August!

I can't believe it's freaking August! That means birthdays, christmas, and shopping for FALL. I love it! My favorite season is coming and quick...

As for new events in my life, I had a pretty decent weekend - no fighting, got to spend money I shouldn't have and I talked to my MOM. Yes, I am a "Mommy's Girl" and just recently realized a "Daddy's Girl" too... But I am planning a long weekend with my Mommy in San Francisco here in 2 weeks and have never been more stoked. As always she is supportive and wants the wonderful world of daisies and sunshine for me... too bad the harsh reality is that I have already made up my mind. I would rather be alone than even risk my future with someone who wouldn't know respect and decency if it slapped him in the face... I also look forward to sharing this news with her. I guess I have always been pretty decisive and she really wants me to think things through, but do I need to feel another bruise on my skin, or in my heart to realize this is not normal? And knowing my own mother's past, I don't see how she could disagree with me. And I really don't care if she does.

I guess I love with all my heart, and despise with all my heart too. It's one or the other with me, there isn't any in between... has there ever been?

Sarah

I have been listening to Sarah McLachlan since I was 11 years old, almost 14 years of dedication and love of her music.. and her music has always touched a part of me that no other can come close to. She has eased me through loss, anger, love, and a whole lot of heartache... Since 2003, her latest album 'Afterglow' - one song has summed up my life and my relationships with men since moving to the Arizonan desert... the whole CD is fabulous, but 'Stupid' is how I feel most times...

Stupid
Night lift up the shades, let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now, for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone, to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That your no good for me
But you're the only one I see...

Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak, except to cry out and wait for your answer
And you come around in your time, speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you...

Everything changes, everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know...

Who can I apply it to this month?

Temporary Relief

Mom's okay - well sorta. The tissue on her lung is hardening which doesn't exactly aid in easier breathing, but at least it is not the big "C". So that was a relief! Still worried of course, but what can I do... Hoping I can go see her soon, it's been over a year...

My brother on the other hand (in the Army) - the clot in his brain is no better nor are his headaches, but he is going to be a daddy in March of 2006 it looks like, so he is excited about that. He has something to at least distract him for the most part. He is such a worry wart, probably gets it from his big sis. For now, he is getting pumped with pain killers and being watched.. it hasn't gotten worse, but it hasn't gone away... Why is technology not so grand when you really need it to be?

I think these things going on in my family help me realize a lot too, that my problems really aren't as big as they seem compared to those of others...

They still SUCK of course - there's no changing that fact!

Quick Update

I am having the most fabulous time with this.. so if you notice 8 million changes to links - or titles to areas, its because I am still learning here and having a ball! So bear with me, just attempting to personalize the most personal thing I have got (other than PANTIES).

And BTW: if you start to notice really 'Male' things and then really 'GIRLY' things like SlipKnot links to Victoria Secret ...

OH WELL, I guess I am just off like that!

P.S. I couldn't get too technical with V.S. just yet - maybe next time!

Puppypooplooza

Had an interesting morning today... 5am I wake up to a blood curdling scream. You know, the "WTF" roll over and try to get a grasp on consciousness? Well...my puppies had a moment last nite. I know they are babies still and they decided to host a poop fest last nite and it got smeared all over their bed, their kennel, their fur... YUCK. Fortunately, my husband was the first to the scene and they got a good swat on the butt and taken outside. I awoke and went to a kitchen that highly resembled a murder scene and almost fainted. I could not believe the stench and how it got EVERYWHERE! It was really amazing. So I spent a good hour of my morning washing and nurturing my puppies because they were so scared out of their minds. It was cute though, to have them all wrapped up in blankies laying in my lap while I drank my coffee. Kinda peaceful. House no longer smells like poop btw. I was burning incense, spraying the ever faithful Febreze.. I would say that my day started off great!

In Other News:
As for all of the other amazingly insane and strange things in my life, including my nutso emotions... I am feeling quite level. Just wanted readers to know... I am not any happier, but I am not losing it either..its nice to find a peace inside.

Even if it is only temporary.. with me, who knows when hell will break loose!

TGIF!

TGIF everyone! It has been a LONG short week. But that is okay, at least it is over... going to make sure to roast myself in this desert sun... On a mission for a black swimming suit! But is that really smart in Arizona? I don't think I care, I still need to get one... Every woman has a need...

Back for more later, hoping to update the VIEW of this site - I am definitely NOT a black and white personality.... (race maybe)

Chow!