Vanity & Sin

Please set me free...

I'm so close and so scared about being so close to getting everything I absolutely want right now.. I almost feel manipulative being supportive of another in his financial decisions. But I'm being honest, and that's all that matters. I am just praying that this goes as smoothly as it has been so far..praying.

I'm almost free. Faced with challenges that I am beyond ready to embrace..beyond ready. I've been waiting over 4 years for this moment. The moment I come back to earth and take it by storm...

I can never my thank my husband enough for in life and death being the undying strength I've always needed in another. He is with me always.. He's been such an inspiration the past several months, and it's so wonderful to dream of him again. I hadn't seen him in so long, I didn't realize how much of my life he'd impacted. And how long of him being gone it would take for me to find the strength again to take control. He & Aliyah are my motivation..I want to make them both proud of me..no matter what it takes..

What is it that inspires you to believe?

Cranky...

I feel as though I could burst from the inside out in frustration. How do parents do this? How do they separate? How do they walk away? How do they talk to a lawyer with a straight face without letting loose the raging set of emotions boiling inside? I'm literally so frustrated that I am inanimate. I know what I have to do and it feels like I have a cement body cast on.. and every moment I feel for one second, I just want to cry. I thought burying a husband was hard, but fighting for a good life for my own child is the worst thing I've ever had to do.

I hate this. I know I'll get over it. But it's time to go. It just breaks my heart to even be considering these steps, but he doesn't deserve any better and he sure as hell doesn't deserve me putting up with his immature antics. Document, document, documenting, documented, freaking depressing.

And then the other bright side of my life? It's wonderful and at times almost depressing too. The things we never see coming arrive at the strangest times and are just as hard as the challenges we were already facing. My heart is a mess. So I will stay in hibernation mode for now..I can't deal with much else anymore. I'm finally maxing out...

Moron Conversations V.5

Me: Have you even contacted a lawyer yet regarding bankruptcy?

Idiot: Well their office has been closed, and I've been pretty busy on my days off..

Me: Busy doing what? Video games? Ranking up on Call of Duty MWFII?

Idiot: Well my brother is visiting soon and I have to be ready?!

Me: ...are you serious?

Idiot: Yeah, he's got 14,000 points and only 1000 head shots, and I've gotten to 9000 points and 1200 head shots. That's pretty awesome!

Me: You do realize that I am leaving you right? As in - within the next YEAR I want to be gone? I want to get residency for law school...

Idiot: I realize that, but you aren't going to change your mind, so I figure I'm going to enjoy my system before you take it all away.

Me: Really.. okay. Well just so you know, I AM really leaving and I AM really going to get my money from this house - whatever way I have to go after it. I won't hesitate to sue you just so you know.

Idiot: Oh you'll get your money, whatever you want. I just don't want to leave the house.

Me: I'm not asking you to leave the "house" - I'm telling you that we need to make a decision and start planning for our daughter's future with separate parents. And you aren't in a position financially to support her. And obviously not mentally..

Idiot: Whatever you want to do. I'll call. I've just been busy.

Me: I see.. well I'll do what I have to do. When you figure out what you want to do, you let me know. But she's coming with ME. No questions there, and I'm taking her legally.

Idiot: Okay...you're winning this anyway

Me: You never even put up a fight..

This was a pretty interesting conversation to end 2009. I must say that although it's completely crap, it's interesting because for almost 2 seconds, I wanted him to care. And when I got over that, life was beautiful again. I'm so glad that I came to my senses, and I am even more glad that I just don't care. It's amazing to finally be able to say no, it's amazing to be alive again. Thank you D for giving me the strength to wake the hell up, I couldn't have done it without you.

Happy New Year!!

Hello 2010! I'm ready for you..are you ready for me? We are going to tango...

I can't say that I am looking forward to much in this actual year due to the NIGHTMARE that it's going to be as I sever ties and move forward with my life & happiness for myself and my daughter. This will be the best nightmare ever once it's over, but 2010 is more like my year to break a few chains, bust some balls, and recreate the life I want and so desperately NEED to be living. It's gonna be a biggity bitch too. I have a non-proactive weight that will be drowning within the next 6mos. I have some serious goals and I have to move on them NOW.

If I wait any longer, I'm going to be crying myself to sleep soon from sheer frustration.

So for 2010 ~
* Quit smoking by 2/20/10 - made a promise to my baby and I'm done
* Custody Lawyer
* Complete my Bachelor's in August & apply for Law School BY December 2010
* Real Estate Lawyer OR Realtor
* MOVE - someone has to and soon. I don't even care if its me.
* Get myself on route to be back in Illinois living AND working by the end of the year - if not early 2011 (see "Custody Lawyer")

Luckily as I have mentioned these things, I haven't had much of a battle put up. So I am hoping to sell my house asap and get the fuck out of dodge. Hopefully my luck keeps up and I can get myself legally freed and clear of the excessive douche bag baggage by summer.

Yes - I'm one goal-oriented bitch. And I'm not messing around this year. I just can't do this anymore. It's literally heartbreaking to wake up everyday and have to keep doing this over and over again.

So here I come 2010! I'm really excited and more than ready to embrace the changes of my creations & desires.

Thursday..

What an amazing week at work! I am so proud that I've finally been given the recognition I deserve, and the credit for a job well done. I've successfully hired over 250 people for a large project.. 172 of them are currently in process to get ready to start.. My client is so stoked about my performance, we get to start our people first!

Go U.S. Census for giving me a chance to show em how its done! Though the amazing pay rates help make recruiting easier...

I just feel great. Absolutely great. I have been working so hard on this, it's cut into my social life, my thought life, I've been living and breathing this project for 5 weeks and it's gone amazing! And my bosses are super happy.

GO ME. I really don't care what they think though, this is going to look incredible on my resume! It took almost 5 years, a lay off, a rehire, and me busting my ass to get them to realize I am more than some little girl collecting a paycheck..but it's rewarding either way. This is a step into the future..

Now..if school would just be so amazing! I could kick International Marketing around the globe and not think twice about it. I'm looking forward to my next class in the New Year: International Trade Law.. awesome!! I love the legal field like no other!!

And just for the record & for the Idiot: ... I'm doin this MY way

I had a dream...

And it freaked me out so bad I woke up almost shrieking, angry as hell, and shaking..

What woke me up was dreaming about a text message that read:
"Quit dorkin' around with Derek and get your ass out of Arizona NOW!!! Before you go insane without me =P With Love... ________"

Left blank intentionally.

How crazy is that?! Before that, I don't really remember anything. It was a crazy dream, but all I remember was reading that and feeling like someone was literally yanking me back to reality. And I woke up so furious, it set the course for the day.

The good news is I put new fall flowers out on Matt's grave and it looks BEAUTIFUL! And I cried a lot today.. and I told Derek to just fuck off today too. His response to my 7am wake up call (though I did NOT share the details of what the dream was), was that "you sound homesick"... Really? Are you catching on? Or did 3 visits in one year last year finally give you a clue?

So we're debating selling the house next summer because I graduate in August. Damn the man damn school for shafting me 3 months of extra classes because they jacked up my schedule..but maybe that works just fine too.

And it's official. Holidays in Arizona are OVER. This was the worst holiday ever..aside from my Thanksgiving dinner being amazing! It's been nothing shy of depressing, and I'd really like to get back to my friends and family for the holidays. My "real" family..not the self-created image I live in currently. And Aliyah's coming too...you can count on that.

I'm REALLY ready for 2010. It's going to be MY year, and I am going to make sure I claim it right this time.

....for you Derek...

Moron Conversations V.3

Idiot: What I do is none of your business or Aliyah's..even when she's older, I'll hide it from her

Me: Don't you think you should consider setting an example for your child?

Idiot: It's not like she'll know..unless you tell her..

Me: I don't and WON'T have to tell her.. when she's a teen and wanting to experiment, I'm sure she'll figure out that her father is doing the same, and think its okay.

Idiot: But she won't know... not til she's in her 20s

Me: Are you SERIOUS? You really think that she won't catch on? You think your lifestyle choices won't be obvious sooner?

Idiot: No. I don't. And I don't see why it bothers you..

Me: It bothers me because it's MY daughter. And she's going to be raised by two parents who are on absolute different realms of responsibility.. That's why it fucking bothers me. I'd rather raise her with someone who BELIEVES in raising a child right, at least it's 2 against 1..

Idiot: I'd find someone not like YOU that would be fun to be with and raise Aliyah in not such an insanely strict environment...It'd be better for her to not have someone so uptight..

Me:... (huff)...(growl).. Are you KIDDING ME!?!?!?! This is exactly why I don't want to be with you and could give two shits what you do. I have enough evidence against you and your stupid habits to take her from you forever.. you're an idiot

Idiot: You can't take her from me.. you're too high strung and stressed to let a judge let you keep her..

Me: And that's exactly why I don't like you and don't ever want to have any more children. Breeding with idiots is a suicide mission.. You can go fuck yourself.

Idiot: I already did.. I quit for 7mos and you didn't change..

Me: Because I don't care if you change.. I just don't care...

Some Random Thoughts..

I want what I cannot have...
I can't save even those who mean the most..
I don't want to be the "healer"...
I've lost more than I wanted..
I know I'm alive inside again..
I'm playing with fire..
I'm not afraid to be..
I don't believe in anything or anyone who cannot fight for what they believe in...
I believe passion is the glue that holds us together..
I'm passionate for life and living...
I could be falling into a dangerous realm of happiness...
I despise those who feel misery is content..
I won't fail..I promised my daughter...
Feelings are meant to be shared..
Feelings have been shared with me..
I will destroy what does not suit me..
My desire to go home is more than its ever been..
I'm still afraid to go back..
I'll always keep my distance..
I'm strategic in all aspects of my life..
No one can break me..
But one might..one just might..
What am I waiting for?
I still believe that happiness exists out there for me..
I'll fight until I get what I want..
I won't fail..I cannot fail..
Too many are counting on me..

I've re-entered a place I had forgotten existed within myself, and I will fuel this until the experience from it I learn from and move on. What it takes to awaken me is almost magical..at least it feels that way to me. My own mother said she envied my strength, my balls, and my ability to close off - and that anyone who could break through that deserves to be there..

Not many have stepped up to that plate, and I won't wait for them anymore...

Kickin Butt!

I've hired over 200 people in 8 days for some good ol' government work - so now I can finally pull back a bit and NOT work so insanely. It's been an insane two weeks, but fabulous. I am finally getting some deserved recognition and respect from the "powers that be."

My birthday came and went in a flash! I did celebrate and had a great time, but then it was back to work.. I definitely don't mind staying busy since the home life is so funky. I just don't understand sometimes how a video game is more important than paying the agreed half of daycare each week, but maybe something is wrong with me?

OH I KNOW. And believe me..I had my moment at 5:30am this morning. And got my money.

It's been such a crazy time, and I know that things will keep a steady crazy pace the next few weeks, but as the year comes to a close, it should be an easier pace. The good news is that the moron conversations are continuing.. and at this present time we are on "halt" since he is deciding whether or not he wants to relocate to the midwest with me. Reason being: he likes it in AZ, he loves the house, I want to keep the house 3-5 years to maximize $$, but he doesn't want to do that if "I'm not here with him." Frankly I don't care.

And yes: I am actually venting my business. LOL I never do anywhere else..so I'm trying something new! Vagueness doesn't really quite get it off my chest?

So the argument isn't negative - or as bad as it COULD be. BUT, there are a lot of changes at stake as well as money, and our daughter. So I guess it's going to get really interesting? But I have a good feeling that I am going to get exactly what I want. Because there just are no options here.. I want a LIFE and I want it NOW. And he knows it, and knows I'll trample him to get there..

All in good time! So moron conversations to commence! This should be interesting..

Side Note:

Moron Conversations is going to be my new hobby.. these have been going on for WEEKS and I've had it.. This first entry took place after a healthy falling out over a month ago when I decided to "live" separately in my own home with my daughter's father..

After the FIRST time I was told he preferred the "Social Bea" and that I was changing after Matt's case ended.. And prequel to this V.1 is my reiteration that our relationship is dead..and has been for at least 2 years..

But he doesn't quite see that. I just want documentation for record..just in case I need a GOOD laugh in a few years...

Freakin Mook - that's what Matt woulda said..

Happy Halloween!

Halloween this year has been interesting! Aliyah dressed as Little Red Riding Hood..at a couple Hershey Bars, ran in circles and crashed into the wall... Trick or Treating was about an hour long in our neighborhood since there aren't many kids and it's gated...though I can't complain since we only wanted to take her to a few houses her first "real" year anyway.

My Yankee's are getting spanked in Philadelphia tonight - Game 3 not so hot of start
Though Alex Rodriguez DID finally hit a ball this series...

And I'm sipping a glass of Reisling, playing around on here with my mind about 2000 miles away..

Isn't life grand?! I think so..I really think so..

Wow. Busy Life...

Things have flipped in such a crazy way - I don't even know when or how it happened. Work is fantastic, in that "holycowarewereallythisbusyovernight" sort of way, and I am still happily progressing through this drift of mental clarity about a lot of aspects of my life. I guess I continually adapt to my surroundings or events, and hardly realize it. I love the activity at work and the fact that I am in charge of 200 positions, I love that my mind isn't so worried anymore about the fact that emotional death was a sad funeral - I'm alive again. I feel incredibly alive!

It's so weird to describe..so I don't know if I'll try yet? But I have realized that events in my life both past and present so easily contribute to who I am today. A bit too easily...and many that I didn't really know about. I think my self-awareness or "clarity" is finally hitting a understandable level. And I'm happy about that. Though I have no clue what to do with it!

So onward with school, focusing on grades to better chances into law school...make the bosses proud and continue kicking butt..and continuing to remain open to this incredibly random doorway that is presenting itself in my life. To be proverbial, it's as though I am standing in front of a place I knew and a place I loved..and I place that I didn't really believe existed. But it's really there, and there's a lot of opportunity there. More than I think I am ready for..but at least I'm not shutting it and locking it? Just sorta looking in and checking things out..I had no idea what was on the other side...

I really like what I am finding.. what the HELL am I going to do?

God am I vague..but I don't know how to really sort this out yet. I'm just glad to be happy & alive again..and I mean REALLY alive.

I'll get there..

Update on Law Schools!

Law School - 2011 Apps (International Law)

Northwestern University (Evanston, IL)
University of California, Berkeley (Berkeley, CA)
University of Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Santa Clara University (Silicon Valley, CA)
**Optional 5th School**
University of Iowa (Iowa City, IA)

**Loyola isn't even top 40!! So I guess the possibility of achieving my dream of being a Hawkeye COULD happen?? But it's not a mandatory app. If I can't get into the top 4 - then maybe law school isn't what I need to be doing LOL.

So where were we?

What a year 2009 has been. Yay. (Insert drips of heavy cream o' sarcasm). This year has been a mess. An up and down, completely insane mess. And I the mess has slowly entered my head and my heart. I have never felt more numb, more cold, or more distant. I think a part of me has withdrawn into my own world of self-motivation, self-awareness, and self loathing. I am trying not to loathe, but I am. I'm miserable and desperate for a path out.

The good news is that I have hope.

Hope to me means nothing more than an exit plan I've determined. There is no person that gives hope, no object, no career.. just an exit plan. Or a plan of attack. And I like attack mode.

More good news is that the "opposition" isn't really putting up a fight. We are currently living "separately" within our home (have been for some time now), taking care of our daughter, and he is finally at least entertaining the idea that he really can't provide for himself nor Aliyah without me. All since I've cut off any of my share of help. I'm done. I'm just fed up. We get along great, but there is nothing there. Absolutely nothing but space - that has always been there. And while he refuses to see it, I focus on my GPA, law schools, where and how to relocate - and how to negotiate the custody issue we are soon to be facing.

4 years ago, I claimed 2006 to be MY year. To live on outside of my husband's death, to move on and re-grasp what sanity I could. And I did and got lost... very lost. Now it's time to fix! I am counting down to 2010 with a vengeance, plotting and planning a New Years to remember ALONE, and looking forward to a new start. I hope if I come home those can forgive me for being so far gone for so long. But at least there's time... and if time is too short, at least they know I've been trying.

There's so much I just don't really say, huh? I guess my life is a euphemism at times.. I should've written a book... More to come!!

Just so it's in WRITING

Law School - 2011 Apps (International Law)

Northwestern University (Evanston, IL)
University of California, Berkeley (Berkeley, CA)
University of Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Loyola University (Chicago, IL)
Santa Clara University (Silicon Valley, CA)

And in that order! The top schools in the country WEST of Lake Michigan for International Law. IF I don't go through with this - someone smack the hell out of me.

Hello October...Update Time!

This year has flown by faster than I could have imagined, and I am ready for it to be over! I love fall, the end of the year, and starting a new one! I haven't declared any particular year to be "MY" year in about 4 years...so I believe I am due!

Countdown to graduation and receiving my Bachelors degree is only 5 classes away - May 2010 I am already plotting a huge celebration to commemorate me being the 2nd person in my entire family to graduate from college. Then its on to prep for Law School! So much to do, so much to get ready for the "big change" - which I think is going to be slightly messy if I don't plan things right. Or remain prepared for the worst. It's so hard to have dreams that someone theoretically supports - but we find ourselves drifting even further apart. I called this years ago - and he didn't believe me. I don't know how much more I can sacrifice for the hope that we can get through this.

All I know is that I don't care about anything but my goals and what I need to do for myself to get there, FOR my daughter and our happiness. No man on this earth will stand in my way. I have a mission. And even if my relationship isn't horrible, and he is a good father, it's WAR if he tries to stop me from obtaining my own happiness.

I realized (and have to share) that after 4 years of my husband being buried in the ground, the clarity and discovery I've found in the freedom from the pain that succumbed me all that time is GONE at last - and I let way to much pass me by as I let life lead me. I will never make that mistake again. It's not about love, or loss, it's about life. And I need to get back to living it! Because that's what makes me happy, and I refuse to let my daughter see me as miserable as I've been here in Arizona. EVER. She'll hate me more for that than for the decisions I will have to make in the future. I've already been through that and won't let her go through the same.

So Happy October! The season of Death & Regeneration - and ironically the season for us Scorpios..

Countdown Begins!

I am in an amazing hyper-active mood today! I have this geek-like ability to CHEESE when things in my life start to wrap up or get me a healthy break from reality..

2 weeks from today is the sentencing for Matt's killer!! I took the day off to celebrate and am hoping my parents will in town to join me. We'll see, but if not, it's MARTINI'S for me and my girl Rubes..

5 1/2 weeks from now I will be in ILLINOIS for a 4 day vacation / reunion / drink-a-thon!! I cannot WAIT - I am so excited it's ridiculous. I love breaks from my so-called life.. especially back home where I can be with friends. I'm booked and ready to PARTY!!

And I've been eating Good & Plenty's since 8am - so I think the sugar rush is making me giddy.. I don't even eat candy anymore, but they were calling my name.. yum. They're low-cal, so it's all good.

TGIF Blog! More news to come when I can slow down a peg or two..

School Daze

I must say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my Microeconomics class for school. Who knew?! But it's only fueling my desire for school - and I am so excited! I've narrowed down the top 4 law schools I want to apply to next fall/spring 2011. Two are in California, and the other two are in Iowa City or Chicago.The two in California are the two BEST, most reknowned schools in the country, not only for law - but for International & Comparative Law. The two in the midwest are both well reknowned and best suited for my law degree AND obtaining my Masters. I figure, if I prep myself to apply to all 4 - I will go where the wind may take me!

Fortunately I DO have the support of "D" - he doesn't want to separate far enough to not have Aliyah in either of our lives, so the deal is to apply towards the time period when we can sell our house (2012) and make a profit to relocate us wherever I end up being accepted to. The Midwest is our preference due to family and we'll need the help, I am sure! But he's even open to the idea of Northern California!! Which would be fantabulous. I am on a mission like no other.. we'll see how long this one lasts! I graduate in May 2010 - and I may like not having to study for a while.. Yeah right..

The further I get along in school now for my BS/GBA, the more I obsess about the legal field.

Maybe I've found my calling? Or maybe I've found my next mental escape..

Wine Night & Play Dates

Wine night was a success! 5 women, 9 bottles of wine, and a swimming pool later - we all survived, had a great time, and swear that we won't drink that much again. Ouch! I love hosting these things, but we still get a little wild no matter what after about the 4th bottle..and then it's all drunken bliss from there. Thank goodness I have a house now to host and let those who need to crash.

Aliyah also had her first "play date" with a friend of mine who came by. The girls share the same birthday!! Though Aliyah is a year younger.. They both had a blast and got along very well, so her mom and I are plotting more play dates and possible shared birthday parties! Before we met, we'd had friends torn between birthday parties since we share the same "crew" - so I think it's off to a great start! And the fact that I am already friends with the mom helps - I would rather NOT have to have play dates with some crazy person I don't like.

All is well in the land of Mommy Bea! Though I am still in a bit of slo-mo after the hard night...

A Busy Bea!

Wow do I have lots to gab about - so I will try to contain my excitement and stay a bit organized, rather than the crazy ramble-jamble I tend to do when I get excited... whew!

I am officially a workout junkie. It's true! Now that my body has decided to be complete in reorganizing itself after childbirth, I began working out on an actual ROUTINE basis about a month ago. Before, I'd lazily hop on my elliptical, or once every 2 weeks do some toning pilates or yoga - but nope. I'm on a schedule folks! And I love it!

What has caused such a dramatic change you ask? A few reasons, some polite, some not - but mainly my addiction to the Wii. Thanks Nintendo!! (applause)

For Christmas I was given the Wii Fitness Coach - and I literally eyeballed it and scoffed, not knowing how the hell I would find the time. Then was quickly caught up with the woes and throes of life, forgetting I had it, until about 2 months ago. I literally spent the good latter part of May trying different things to give me some freaking free time for just a few minutes a day - to no success. Finally in June - I'd had it! I had a healthy Bea-tantrum and demanded at least 30 minutes a day to myself, uninterrupted (I can't afford a gym people), to just exercise and de-stress. I won! And I even won a bet of me quitting by now. I haven't missed a single day - I've even upped my original workout of 3 days per week to 4 on the Wii - and now have added in 2-3 days per week on top of this for my elliptical. I've never felt better.

I'm not aiming to be Pre-Baby Bea, but I sure as hell just want to feel better. And I want to set a good example for my daughter! I've already set a "quit-smoking" date, and by then I should be at a comfort level in my routine where quitting smoking and I won't go nuclear. Though I am prepared with Xanax just in case. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that sitting around playing video games is okay, being lazy, or inactive. I wasn't as a kid, and school has really consumed my life - so it's time for a change!

And Aliyah LOVES working out with mommy with the Fitness Coach going! She loves the music and will dance or some moves with me. My favorite that makes it all worth while are the kisses I get every time I come up during crunches.. I could do crunches all day for those sloppy baby kisses.

And yes folks! This is only the TIP of the iceberg...

Here I am 2009!!

Alright ~ what a start to the New Year! Aliyah is walking! Well, she has been walking - but now she is walking on her own & it's awesome. Although her ability to get into stuff is steadily improving? It's exciting though.. we cut our first tooth too!! THAT was a nightmare... I could never go through that again and be okay!

Actually - the whole FT mom thing has worn itself thin and I put her back in daycare - because if I don't, I will most likely rip out my own uterus and never have another child. Point. Blank. Not. Kidding. I have had a helluva time adjusting to all of this as it is - but being home was wonderful, in the: omgcanijustdisappear sort of way. We survived and are back on our "routine" - she sleeps better, we enjoy our company - and I sleep better knowing that I am not horrifically bitter. It just got so hard to have someone up my ass 24/7 and OH did Aliyah know just how to pull mommy's strings! So!! KUDOS to all the stay at home moms who haven't gone completely insane yet!! WHOO!! Though I can totally understand the need of medication.. LOL

I am doing better than a month ago?! I swear, the holidays just completely rip me apart inside. I enjoyed my 2 weeks off of school and relaxed.. Finally making some sense of my so-called "sanity" and ready to take on this year with a hefty handful of 2009 sac. Fuck 2008. Point blank. The high points don't even compete with the low points and I am glad it's gone and OVER. I've never had a more horrible year that should have been more of a blessing! So - I am ready to take it all on - and I'm grrrrr and ready. A few punches in the throat may be necessary, but my fists are worn & ready...

I swear I lost my mind last year and fought tooth and nail to get it back for the majority of the year. I am not completely "solid' just yet I guess - but better than where I was, with a renewed faith in friends, family, and strength... I didn't give up, but I did realize that some things just aren't worth fighting for anymore AND that some things you just need to let go and forget. I have hit yet another new evolvement period I guess - always do? But at least my head isn't screaming at me anymore. Sleepless nights are less and I am optimistic. Optimistic that I am going to kick some ass this year.

It feels good to be back!!!

Happy New Year!

I am a day late... OOPS! I have been in a bit of a fog? Some things have started to come to light that are mildly freaking me out ~ but I am okay. So here soon once my thoughts are in line.. I will welcome 2009 with the Big Bea Bang! and then we'll go from there..

2008 really messed with my head & my heart... But my trooper ass will have no issue working that out. I just received a random call yesterday.. and it was one of those conversations that made me think..and WHO it came from surprisingly made me think possibly more than expected? Just because of who it is, my relationship with him, and the fact that his shy ass hasn't seen me in almost 10 years. An interesting way to begin the year! But insightful & I always love insightful...

Let's take this year by storm!!

Counting Down to Feast!

Thanksgiving is almost near, and I want to wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Just in case I don't remember to hop on here? Things are going good, still jobless, but that's pretty much expected given the lovely holiday season approaching! I am still optimistic, especially for my DREAM JOB - but still looking just in case.

Aliyah is doing fabulous! Trying to walk, and determined as all hell to prove she can do it on her own! She's comfortably cruising furniture now, and making those bold steps between them - with only a few bumps and bruises to date!

Derek is healing well and back to work (thank god!). Though his finger does look like it went through a meat grinder, he's doing okay. The skin graft is taking well, and the stitches come out in 2 weeks. I do have pictures because if you know me, then you know I was all "up in that bitch" taking photos of the gore - because it's freaking COOL!! But haven't blessed all with that fun, just in case. If you want them, I can send them! LOL

I hope you all have a wonderful FEAST and drink & eat merry! I know I'll be sipping wine and stuffing my face, working on the infamous food baby ~

As for pictures - they are coming! I have to locate the memory card, because I have NO clue what I did with it. So pics of Aliyah at the wedding in GA, Turkey Day, and just recent cute ones are coming!

xoxo

Still alive...and still slammed!

I'm here! And whoopin ass and taking names later!

Unemployed going on three weeks now - so I am in a mild state of panic, but managing. Had 2 interviews with one company last week, met with the Director/President/and COO of the company, so I am staying optimistic! It's the waiting period that is a doozy.

The day of the COO meet, I had the most horrible gut feeling leaving the building needing to call Derek...and lo-an-behold, he had just been in a motorcycle accident not 10 minutes before. Psychic much? He is okay, was in a bit of shock at the time. Fortunately he had all his gear on. Crappy gloves didn't do much to relieve damage to his left hand - but he had surgery that night and I've been Nurse/Mommy/Student FT since then. He had a severe "evulsion" to his left ring finger and 3rd degree burns on his right finger - resulting in 2 skin grafts and a pin to reattach torn ligaments, not to mention most of his nerve endings are gone. We go to the surgeon for a follow up on Thursday this week - so I am hoping for some good news. His road rash is healing well. I've been happily cleaning the gore and pus, literally. Got some great pictures out of it! I just love that stuff..and he loves that I'll goop him up on demand. =)

School. Is. A. Bitch. I have been taking a Research & Statistics course, and I've never hated anything more. My neo-nazi of a teacher is the most uncommunicative nightmare I've ever had to work with! And guess what? I start round 2 tomorrow for the next 5 weeks of statistic freaking fun. This stuff is Chinese to me - I just need to pass and get on with the next. Eek. I'll be happy if I get a "C" here. Math formulas and I are arch enemies, but I must say I comprehend things MUCH better after a lovely dose of Xanax. And a drink. LOL

I'm doing alright folks! For now... Let's hope to hear back from this job and move forward with a new career! I really love the company and their philosophies - so it is my first pick, but I am hoping I do get it so I don't have to resort to some pissant Recruiting job that makes me as miserable as I was before. *Sigh* I'll be okay!! Promise.

I am a Horrific Blog Slacker

It's been an interesting few months for me, and I just haven't had the time to truly sit down and jot out my thoughts - even intermittently. I do now! Thanks to a recent layoff, I am officially a national statistic. But actually rather happy about it. My job was getting to the point of making me physically ill with stress. It feels good to have a fresh start that's been LONG overdue.

Halloween was an absolute blast. Aliyah's first year, she went as a Pirate! Yes she did - and was cute as hell too. My brother's party was another huge success, with only one person getting his life threatened by the Sherwood kids for messing with our baby brother. It was awesome.

Aliyah has been the joy of my days. The Presidential Election is finally over, yet just beginning and I've never been more excited! I really felt a part of something and am so glad I was out standing in line at 6:30am yesterday ready to cast my vote for someone I actually believe in. It's been a great long road, but we made it!

I will post more soon ~ I'm behind on so many things here. But I am alive and well, happy, and optimistic - ready for change, ready for the future. On more levels than I thought I'd ever feel or experience.

And I'm counting down to the most kick ass birthday bash for myself and my bff Rubes!! Now that is going to be one for the history books!!

I'm Alive!

Been busy ~ as always...
Brother was in town ~ awesome!!
Work is killing me slowly...
So is school...
I'll get here to update soon!! All sorts of exciting things happening!!

Aliyah is goofier everyday, and keeps me going no matter how tough it gets. I've never been more blessed...

Some Randoms About Me

Thought I'd jump on the bandwagon on this one! I don't think I've ever 'personalized' about myself on here - aside from immediate needs of ventilation. I'm selective I guess - but maybe I'm due for for some "get to know me" fun!!

1) My birth name (minus my surname(s) is Beatrice Lynn
2) I am named after my grandmother
3) My mother wanted to name me "Nicole Lynn"
4) TOTAL stripper name!! "Nikki Lynn, to the stage please"
5) But maybe then I would have been rich?
6) Maybe not...
7) I love my name
8) I wish I could go back to my maiden name...
9) Maybe soon, maybe not - not up to me yet
10) The judicial system is bullshit
11) My husband's murderer got off on 'insanity' or in politically correct terms, 'incompetent and unrestorable'
12) It broke my heart
13) My heart's been broken a lot
14) I've broken my share of hearts...
15) I'm known for speaking everything on my mind
16) And never what's in my heart
17) I'm working on that - and it feels good to be

18) Everything I've never wanted to happen has happened to me in AZ
19) And I am okay with that
20) I love being a mom
21) I love being a mom more than anything
22) 10 years ago, I would have slapped the shit out of myself for that statement...
23) 2 years ago I would have
24) I don't know if I'll have another chance to be a 'mom' again
25) But I've accepted that too
26) I've discovered that I can do anything I set my mind to
27) That includes FT Work, FT School, and FT Mom...
28) Some days I really question why I put so much on myself all the time
29) But I have never been broken
30) I worry that I am unbreakable
31) I honestly wish that I could be able to just break down and cry
32) I haven't had a good cry in almost 3 years
33) I think that's the last time I ever really cried about anything
34) It's the day I put my husband into the ground
35) I don't ever want to bury another husband
36) I love to live, laugh, and love
37) My friends mean as much to me as my own blood
38) There's one who means so much more
39) I really miss him
40) I'm in the midst of a crazy adventure to raise my daughter right with her father
41) I wish I could just pack her up and run away
42) I am ready for a change
43) I am ready to move forward
44) I am ready to start fresh!
45) I absolutley love change
46) I think change loves me sometimes too
47) I think about him 24/7
48) I'm a fighter and survivor
49) A bit of a rebel too
50) I've shaved my head in the past
51) Several times actually
52) I still don't really care what people think
53) I am over-dedicated to my job
54) I am always analyzing and plotting
55) I always have a plan
56) My AZ friends call me "The Dude"
57) Most of them are pretty sure my balls are bigger than their's are
58) They might be right about that
59) But they don't really know me either
60) I've grown up a lot in the past 7 years
61) Maybe 7 years is a lucky number this time
62) I have a habit of being psychic
63) I have a habit of being a Scorpio
64) Tattoos are a part of my life
65) Getting more and re-do's soon too
66) I'm not your "girly girl" next door
67) I'm the chick throwing the football party and doing beer-bongs
68) Well, no more beer bongs without a sitter
69) I hate that finding a sitter is horrific
70) I am homesick on a several day a week basis
71) My visits aren't making it go away anymore
72) Home truly is where your heart is
73) I know exactly where my heart is
74) I really miss him a lot
75) I know I'll see him again real soon
76) I have learned that life is only a lesson
77) And death always comes too soon
78) I've realized that I'm still grieving
79) I may always be grieving
80) But I know that's okay and nothing to hide from
81) I have pushed a lot aside in my life
82) I am taking a lot of it back
83) I love going to school
84) I am a geek
85) Really, I am a closet nerd...
86) But the people who know me best already knew that..
87) I miss talking to people about things 'geeky'
88) I love my friends
89) I can't wait for another chance
90) I can't wait til September
91) I can't wait til October
92) I look forward to every day coming
93) I look forward to being able to just breathe again
94) I've busted my ass to be where I am at today
95) I am proud of myself when I look in the mirror
96) I am happy that he is still proud of me
97) I can easily read just about anything in people's eyes
98) I'm an open book too
99) Only when I choose to
100) I've chosen to now

Happy Flu!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!!

What a great week so far! I haven't felt this good in a LONG time - even with all the bullshit going on. I just got a surprise promotion yesterday - and I start that on Monday! After all the years of crap here, at last some recognition. Going to be working in a new office, with new people in an entirely new environment that works so well for my degree, it's scary. It's exciting because it's a great step forward that I have really wanted and needed - didn't really think they'd give me this opportunity. So kudos to me!!

I am getting excited about the upcoming fall too! Matt should be home by Labor Day. He starts that lengthy journey home very soon. Things are almost squared away to where I can move into my own new place, and I even made some more travel plans for me and my monkey! My mom should be here in early October to help out with Aliyah & chill out in the dry Arizona warmth ~ I can't wait for her to be here!! Things are really starting to look up for me as the year hits the countdown to 2009.

It's just feeling really good to be on the right path again that I've stepped aside from for so long, just letting things pass me by. I haven't felt this optimistic in a long time! I am really looking forward to the next few months to come - bringing me lots of change, chances, fun and LOTS to look forward to. More than some people thought I would, I think... But I am excited!! I'm doing what I want, my way - and I've never felt better about it.

I may just have to make some jello shots to celebrate - because there is much celebrating to do!!

Yesssss - I'll share...

You Know It's a Good Day...

When someone (not a co-worker thank god!) craps (yes, the doo doo) in both of your garbage cans in your bathroom at work, doesn't tell anyone - funks up the entire office, doesn't say anything...

And you can still smile about it at the end of the day!! I'm actually still laughing pretty hard about it..

Heatwave V

What an amazing weekend I had! Heatwave V - courtesy of AGE Entertainment, was just the best time ever!! My first poker game EVER (and I didn't bust out!) - an unbelievably good time with good friends, food, and tons of fun! Ed put on such an amazing magic show & I got completely blitzed!! I haven't laughed so hard in a LONG time...wow, am I a goofball.

A much needed getaway that was so heartwrenching to part from... but I can't wait til next year!! I have 12 months to practice - and then it's ON!

Thank you Dave, Ed, & Krissy for putting up with me, letting me wash your dishes, and participating in another one of your fantabulous events of the year!! Aliyah & I will be back!

Happy 4th of July!!

Happy 4th everyone!!

I hope everyone has a safe & wonderful weekend!! Mine is sure to be quiet...more news to come. Miss Mommy Bea is taking it easy this weekend - and it rained like a sonofabiscuit tonight, so no fireworks for me...but at least it was cancelled for a legit reason versus the risk of wildfires?

And thank god it rained...I was beginning to think I was in hell.

My brother is packing to come home from Iraq ~ this year has gone by rather fast & not quite fast enough at the same time. I'm looking forward to him being back on U.S. soil - something about that makes me feel just a bit safer...

Thanks Matt for fighting for our freedom that we continue to celebrate today, I love you bro. I can't wait til your home again - cuz we're gonna get DRUNK!! Grandma can take our daughters for a night?

Freakin Finally!!!

Finally some refreshing music from bands who've been quiet...

Staind - The Illusion of Progress - coming out in August!! OMFG!! The song 'Believe' is just incredible...lyrics posted above of course.. and talk about WOW. Where the hell has THAT song been?

Shinedown - The Sound of Madness - Available Now!! OMFG!! That's where I found 'If You Only Knew'...a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Just my musical update - I'm such a junkie for good stuff! Time to update my good ol' iPod ~ update my music and jam out!!

Holy Update

Wow. I just realized that I have really been slacking on posts! I must admit, the holidays were really rough for me. Flat out depressing honestly. Being pregnant and going through my supposed favorite time of the year was horrific. I think I did nothing but stare at the tv and cry off and on New Year's Eve. It was awful.

But the good news is that I am B.A.C.K.! I had my daughter Aliyah Teresa on February 20th at 4:21pm ~ 7lbs 3oz of love ~ 20 inches long. She is 3 weeks old today and I actually have a moment to be on here! She is changing so much and so quickly. Motherhood has definitely slapped me in the mouth - and whoever thought I'd be good at this owes me a drink. I have never been more tested in my life. I love my daughter to death - but wow - it's tough. And Derek hasn't really gotten his feet wet yet - but that's another story. Let's just say I may as well be a single mom? I tihnk he may be a bit intimidated - and I have to put my foot up his ass?

I have realized more about myself and my current so-called relationship pretty quicky since Aliyah's arrival. All is well - but life really did throw me for a loop. More to come!

Happy Holidays 2007

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving yesterday! I know I ate more than my share of food - a plate for me & a plate for the baby! I am doing well, a bit homesick, but excited about the holiday season coming up. I guess this is my one time a year to get girly and do some decorating! I love decorating my house for Christmas - and this year I am going to take up a bit of baking.

Yes. Baking. The lovely art of crafting delicious cookies from scratch as I pull my hair out, scream and get into the holiday spirit. Well it's my first attempt, and I know I can do it. It will be interesting and Derek said he'd already be prepared with the camera. I am certain there will be interesting pictures.

The tree will be going up tomorrow and I cannot wait to start decoration shopping after work. I am trying to grasp some Christmas cheer - which is proving to be rather difficult this year since our weather has been so warm. At times, it's a bit difficult to get the spirit going while gazing at palm trees and blue skies - but then, I don't know if I'd really give that up. The midwest does seem to be tugging at me though ~ maybe in the next few years, I'll plan a holiday back home!

Warm Holiday Wishes to All!!

Another Day, Another Resignation...

Reading the news this morning, it took a few seconds to let it sink in just who resigned from office today.. Our very own Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales has resigned. This is only the FOURTH TOP RANKING ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL that has left the White House.

Does anyone else notice a problem?

Life could not be any more interesting!

I am discovering that life will never let you down on being bored. I had a rather interesting week! To summarize, I am currently recovering from surgery due to two baseball sized cysts on my ovaries and an ectopic pregnancy - that I didn't even know I had until after over 24 hours of excruciating pain and lots of fun tests last weekend. I would have updated sooner, but today is the first day that I have been functional enough mentally to post - I may do a lot of posting here for a while, since I will be off for at least another week or two. It's been rather difficult for me to 'rest', since I am a rather hyperactive person who needs to keep moving, but it's kind of a big deal for me to sit tight so I can heal. My future in motherhood is being challenged by a lovely thing called 'endometriosis' but this is a challenge that I intend to take head on and conquer. Thank god for the support of family and friends, and especially Derek.

Derek has remained ridiculously calm through all of this. When in the ER last Saturday being told that I was pregnant about flipped my lid ~ and he remained calm and asked all the right questions. When they said that it was lodged in my fallopian tube and life-threatening, he remained supportive and calm - my rock. Amazing how much credit I haven't given him, but in the moments of chaos, my youthful love has been the stability that I have needed to lean on. Amazing that after a year and a half I am just starting to see that he truly is more of a man that I give him credit for, and these ridiculous events that keep occurring to test my faith and strength, he has never faltered on. For being 23, he is definitely stronger than I ever thought, and I am very glad to have him in my life. Which leads me to another tale entirely, but that will be a revolutionary moment that I will post here shortly.

I am beyond grateful for having him in my life. There are few people that I know I can count on, and love beyond words, and I am glad that he is one of them. I finally see how fortunate I am to have come as far as I have, and to have had the support along the way through my eventful life.

Oooh..I was mad!

Just re-read that last entry... All is well now - but I crack myself up. Thankfully - in regards to that situation - he listened & all is well. I like that.

It's nice to have someone (a) let you vent, (b) love you anyway, (3) understand when they offend you and upset you, and (4)...let you know when you're being a turd too!!

Someone pushed a button...

Spring is upon us again - and it is again time for those moments that I go through every few years. The moments of turmoil, change and adjusting for a new path.. I am ready. I think I could possibly be seasonal woman.

What has set me off on this escapade this time? Well, where do I begin?

Someone had the nerve to tell me that it's been almost 2 years since my husband died and I should be over it by now. Why? Because I was upset that his would-be 27th birthday is coming up, and frankly, I AM NOT OVER IT.

The reality of realizing that those around you, those 'friends', those 'lovers' - are supposed to believe in you is amazing..because most of them don't. If it didn't happen to them, it isn't real. Well, my pain is real. My life is real. My past IS real. And it is not over for me yet. I am the lucky widow who is still going through legal battles, court dates and an unknown future because my life is on FUCKING HOLD. I cannot do anything until this is over.

Oh, I am sorry if I am not 'in love'. In love with what? In love with who? Life is about functioning and surviving - I've been in love and it landed me in a state of literal misery and growing experiences. I have nothing left to love. I left my heart 2000 miles away, and the only man with the balls enough to even revive me is dead. The strongest person I know took 2 bullets to his head and I still miss him! Is that a sin? Is that a crime? It was my husband, and the last person who I knew believed in me, in something beautiful no matter how ugly the world - and the only person to make me dream again since I left Illinois.

I am done everyone - I give up. I hate pretending, and my time is coming where I can be free. Papers to sign, trials to attend - and then I am done. I can't live a fake life - I cannot live pretending everything is 'coming up roses'... because it isn't.

Some people are in love with the mystery of life, the mysteries of things beautiful that they will never understand. Their minds are too clouded with fairytales to see what has been waiting for them all along. And they won't be there to see it when it leaves.

I am in love with no one but myself. Because I am all I've got. Any man strong enough to stand up to that ~ would be an amazing moment - but I doubt it will ever happen again. People say I don't give them a chance... then I guess I should just be alone then. Maybe that's why he died ~ to set me free at last...

Life as we know it..

I have been extremely awful about keeping this blog up to date ~ Life has been just that wacky for me. I have a tendency to get mentally 'flaky' when there is a lot going on in my mind! While this blog is supposed to help that, I have been unlucky to find the time to ever update this even when I need to the most. I am pretty much in the same place I was as before - not much has changed and I doubt that it will until later this year when the reality of my life will begin to crumble again when I face my fears and hope for the best for my family.

My 'little' brother is going to Iraq. My best friend, my blood, my life ~ is going overseas to Baghdad to fight for a cause that I do not believe in and I have never felt more emotions in my life! His daughter will be 1 yrs old this month, and he is leaving in August for a minimum of 18 months, for a President who doesn't even know what we are fighting for. I believe in my brother, but I don't believe in the system. I don't really think he does either, but I can only pray for the best. I just feel like my heart is breaking all over again...

Thanks to his patriotism and committment to our country, my mother is extremely depressed. My dad is barely speaking to anyone - they seem to be in some sort of fog while dealing with this. You must understand, we are not a military family, nor have we ever been advocates for the United States government. We are not anarchists, but we just don't believe in the system that has been forced upon us. Nor do we think it is fair for our son's and daughter's to be dying in a war that has been going on far too long...

And the funny thing about all this ~ I cannot stop thinking about my husband. I keep dreaming about him and he has truly been my only comfort in dealing with this. But I cannot lose my brother too. A dead person has been my only shoulder to lean on and I have never been more thankful for my dreams...

Happy Belated New Year!

It has been that insane... News coming soon!!

Holidays

I am definitely slacking this year. I have not begun christmas shopping, gotten my x-mas party dress or anything. I do have the tree up! Lights too! But that's about it. I am pretty excited. This is Derek's and my first Christmas, and I pretty happy to be sharing it with him. Last year, we both spent it alone, we didn't know each other then - but the holidays just weren't the holidays. We are both looking forward to holiday, and I am happy that this year, it is a celebration. I definitely needed it! I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and a lot to conquer next - why not celebrate and just enjoy what life has blessed me with?

I think that is a phenomenal idea!! Yep, happy and content is a wonderful thing.

Super Update

I have been MIA for the past few months, for a few good reasons! Other than me being a neglective ass... I have been busy with working full time/plus, school full time and managing a rather eventful personal life. I just recently moved to Scottsdale, Arizona (town-hopper, I am) with my boyfriend. YES, huge committment, YES I am freaking out about it..but oh well. We'll see what happens. NO I am not engaged, nor looking to be..I just have a pleasant relationship with someone who cares about me. Those are hard to come by, but when you live with someone, you can truly determine whether you are going to be with someone or not..and with him, I am learning quite a few things that I really needed to know.

Work is going great. I am getting a bit worn out by the 26 miles each way to work, but I still love what I do..and I know there is something wrong with me there...

I LOVE SCHOOL!! I will say it! I am getting a 3.83 GPA right now, and I like it a lot. I am really glad that I buckled down to go back to school. I am doing it all on my own, monetarily and WOW do student loans rack up quick. But thank god that those are all deferred until 2010. That's niiiicceee..

...As for my relationship. It's good, simple..and... going. There are a few things that I am rather uncertain about, but I am working on figuring those out. Why pass up a good thing if nothing is wrong? I just know that I am at that point where some decisions are going to need to be made..I guess I am thankful that I am in a lease so I have til next September to figure all that out. I am afraid that if I dump him I will regret it later. Derek is so wonderful and sweet, but I am still learning about him and some things I have to get used to. As I am sure he does too! I am not all rosy myself. So we'll see.. so far so good and good times. That's all I can ask for at this point.

I have survived the one year of Matt's death..and it was beautiful. I spent the anniversary in California at Huntington and Newport Beach (our faves). Derek actually came with and made sure I didn't go dive and drown in the ocean, and I am glad he did. I really needed someone there and he stepped right up to bat. Now the holidays are here, and I am actually excited! It was Matt's favorite time of year..I put up my new tree and decorations with Derek - and tomorrow now, he is my captive to put ornaments up and the angel. Christmas eve I will put up Matt's ornament myself..

2006 has been really good to me! I have a feeling that 2007 is going to be an enlightening one.

The Definition of a Goddess...

'a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration'

July Already?

Holy cow.. it's already July! I have come quite a long way in the past 11 months.. and pretty darn happy about it too. Let's see, what's new?

First, I started school at the end of last month. I have finally decided to take the epic voyage and return to my education. I am currently working on my B.A. for Business Management and then onto my Master's for HR Management. If that is still my goal once I am done with school. I am liking it so far, but it's only the beginning. We shall see how it goes!

Second, I have come to terms on a lot of different things in my life. Never one to get much out of anyone but myself, I have put behind me my cries for help and shoved myself face first into the muck of my life. It is rather rewarding to accept the things I cannot change and take care of me, myself and I. I have had a lot of backs turn on me since my husband died. I even feel this way with my family. They were once so eager to help when I had marital problems, but he's been gone almost a year - and I am back to their rebellious, black sheep daughter mode, where they let me work out my messes alone. Which is fine by me, I didn't want their help anyway. I had hoped that they would be supportive of my return to school - got no response. They could care less stuck in their own world. So I support me, my friends support me - and that's about all I've got. I still love my family, but they are no different than they ever will be. Their independent daughter has turned her back again too, to move forward with her life whether they like it or not. To be honest, I think if I was in a deep depression - starving and wanting to die because my husband did..they would have my back and make sure I am okay. But my strong desire to live and be strong has cast me aside... I kind of like it this way, I still love proving people wrong.

I am plotting a mini-vacation for August, and versus going to see my family - I am going to California, alone and I cannot wait! It will be so wonderful and beautiful to see the ocean again and just relax and enjoy 'Bea Time'. That is what I need the most. Me.

I'll update more soon along with some new pics of fun in the Arizona sun!!

Me in Bisbee, Arizona!

This is me in front of my nifty little new favorite town, Bisbee sign... I went there with "D" memorial day weekend, and had the most wonderful, RELAXING time. A much needed vacation, much overdue... Next, we are plotting a trip to Mexico for the weekend.. I love living out west!

Until next time!

Thankful...

So my last post... I have resolved. I am 5 months into one of the best relationships yet. We have talked about everything. My insane moments, my moods - my expectations, and vice versa.. on the expectations at least! I am utterly amazed, proud and happy that we did - "D" has been extremely patient and understanding and best of all, willing to share my moments, memories and future..

Now! How long will that last, and is this for real? Those are questions that I am leaving on the backburner, because I couldn't ask for more right now.. or ever. He's absolutely wonderful and I truly met him at the right time in my life. He has been a huge part in the healing and growing process through this whole experience. It's something I never thought I'd find in a person.. ever.. and here it is right in front of me.

All I can be is thankful..

Memorial Day...

Soo... scratch the Oklahoma thing.. too far to drive. Car is NOT in the best condition.. So "D" and I are going to Bisbee, Arizona! A nifty little hippy town south of Tucson, by Tombstone - Mexico - other small/OLD towns. I am so excited.. and so is he! Hopefully I'll get spoiled this weekend, but I am looking foward to seeing some new sites, checking out some Arts/Crafts fairs - and going on a mining tour (yeah, I can be down to earth!).. It will be a nice getaway in the mountains... Much needed and long overdue!! Will get some pics up too!

Happy Tuesday!

Ahh, what a week! I came into work at 6:30am to invest some time in BEA... I have been so busy working and helping others, I seem to have forgotten what I was initially looking for - for myself. I so desperately need to move forward with my life, and I've been stuck spinning in circles for too long.

At the end of the month, my boyfriend and I are going to Lawton, OK for my niece (Trinity Beatrice) and her christening. I am the godmother and my baby bro is the godfather. I cannot wait!! My Memorial Day weekend will be memorable - seeing my parent's and my brother's for the first time since my husband died.. will be a great reunion and one of much better circumstance. It's going to be wonderful!!

More updates soon!

I'm Highly Entertained....

By the ways of the world around me. Observing immigrant protests to roommates working out their horrific differences.. to odd disputes that aren't even really important. It really makes me take a look at myself and see how far I've come.

Yesterday, someone said to me 'You must be a handful'. Not really folks, just no more bull shit - from anyone. I don't need it, it's a waste of time and energy. If people would just stop being vague and move forward with life - it may sting some, but things actually work out better in the long run. So many people waste time involving themselves in things they are no part of, and really shouldn't be..

The hilarity is gonna kill me.

Hello Again!

I am alive and well...been living my ever adventurous life, and haven't had the time to update! Things are absolutely fabulous though....

I officially have a new home - a great roommate, and things are going good their. "D" and I are doing great, having fun as usual - no stress, no drama - just perfect. I have never had more fun with someone in my life! Everything is an adventure... and I am so open to new things and he is definitely one to not be boring. So far so good!

Going to Chicago for St. Patrick's Day weekend and going to meet my new Godson. I am really excited, a nice little reunion with friends that is much needed...

But the most important thing....
KORN IN CONCERT THIS SUNDAY!!

Why is it that our pasts creep up in the present and our worlds begin to collide? Memories left behind arising to only bring questions and uncertainty to our lives. I am happy where I am, and it's being affected by those I once loved - that throw me off with their sudden feeling, things that I needed years ago - that are now closed off because my faith no longer lies in them. My faith lies within me, because I am all I have left.

I never meant to hurt anyone - and I am sorry "D" - you know how I feel about you and we'll make it through this together. Thank you for being patient with me through these rough days... I really need you right now and thank you for being there when I've needed you most.

Some things you didn't know....

Mmmmhmmmm...That was pretty messed up!

Where I've been....

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks Dave! This is freaking sweet! I am hoping to attack the east coast more someday... I notice how I kept going south... LOL. Gnarly! I like to travel I guess, and most of these I hit when Matt and I traveled summer 2004. It's nice to see on a map. Good things, good things...

Guess Who II

Sooo...I tried being creative and learn how to insert a pic...HA! Well now I can't even find that previous entry to fix it. Go figure...

BUT I AM SEEING KORN & MUDVAYNE IN MARCH!!! HA HA HA HA HA. Those who know me, know my obsession with Korn, this is lucky number 7 - got pretty decent seats, and I am definitely planning on losing my voice.

Rock on!

Falling into place...

Things have taken a dramatic turn...and things are finally falling into their place. For reasons I wish not to state - I am staying in Arizona...Will tell those select few later - sorry, I still love you all though! I have found a roommate, she is awesome! I sold my Cougar when I thought I would have to sell my soul for gas money - one less headache, and I should be getting an apartment with my new roomie within the next week! It couldn't be better...

This guy I am 'seeing' - because we aren't dating, but I am not 'seeing' anyone else either nor is he - is awesomely unique. He's cool, he makes me laugh - he let's me go away when I need to. And he has the body of a GOD!! Don't know where this is headed, but I am thankful that I have a warm body to sleep next to on occasion...pretty often actually... he he he. And we just have flat out FUN. Right now I need to have fun. My new year is off to a better start than expected. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

Yeah, there are still nips in the bud - like my current landlord being a jerk-off bastard, but I knew that since Matt died and he didn't even send his condolences and we helped pack that bastard's truck and they drank beers together.. shows how much people really give a damn about nothing but their own wallets and could care less about anything else...but if I was a greedy S.O.B., I'd probably be the same way. My disgust in his lack of humanity is rather colorful at this point. F-Him.

Someone told me I look younger than I did a week ago... that was my compliment of the week - cuz I feel younger. Finally.

Nano nano nano

Merry Christmas! I had the company x-mas party last night - got totally trashed (wine and whiskey = hangover). I made it home safe thanks to carpooling and a paid driver. But for x-mas - the owner's bought everyone an iPod Nano! How neat!! And I am actually able to use the damn thing. Thank goodness for directions. So yeah, I feel cool - I feel better at the moment...The real holiday is coming, but I should make it through okay. Now that I have a new toy to play with, I am sure to stay busy!! Yes, flaky blonde moment Queen Bea is actually growing a brain cell and currently downloading songs to my new iPod! It's easier than I thought! So off to Best Buy and Home Depot today! I need to pick up some home improvement stuff and maybe some neato accessories for my new favorite Nano...he he he. I get too much of a kick out of the smallest things!

Passion at the Party Palace

I am hosting my first 'Passion Party' today - I am rather excited. I love attending them, and now with this big empty house, I figure - why not?? I am pretty stoked about it - getting the girls rounded up - laughing and getting our drink on. I WILL be taking pictures - so they should hopefully be up this week at some point.

I have been pretty much been taking it easy - had no voice for 8 days, I have it back, but do I feel fatigued! I pulled a 13 hour shift yesterday for work - I am beat, and ready for some relaxation. And for those who keep asking - are Boom and I dating - - NO. He is my new best buddy-we just click rather well for only having met about a month ago. So we will just leave it at that. He is a great friend and someone I thoroughly enjoy talking to when we do get together and we always have a blast...like Miss Rubes said - 'You two are fucking crazy'. It's fun..and it's always fun to have good friends around.

Hopefully this party will flow well - I will update soon! (Having the computer back up at home has helped a bunch with posts!!) Thanks Dave-O!!

The Long Road

I took some time to reflect through the previous entries - I have really come a long way since all of this happened! And it's so good to see. Sedona was fantastic, beautiful and COLD - but wonderful, and we took a lot of pics! I am working on getting those up - so bear with me. I still have pictures from a birthday party 2 weeks ago that I haven't even developed. My flakiness has not faltered one bit!

I just feel so alive again, confident and happy. Whether or not it will last, I don't really know...but I at least have felt better for days solid at a time versus hours at a time. It's a start and a new beginning.. I am listening to music I haven't listened to since before I met Matt - relaxing and enjoying time to myself...meeting new people that are all wonderful and great people to be around. I couldn't ask for more! I don't feel like I need to run and hide - or escape. I feel pretty darn content for the first time in months...and it's a beautiful feeling!

Hungover

OKAY! My birthday yesterday was FABULOUS!! Happy hour after work...3 Long Island's and a Kamikaze later - I was off to Ladies Night in Tempe - where I got plastered. Plenty of birthday shots, dancing - Ruby trying to con me into line dancing and karaoke - not going to happen. Finalized by a lovely headache this morning and a long long day at work. I swear I was still drunk driving to work this morning! But it was a blast - 24 and so much more to go.. I guess it's not too bad to celebrate another year in the eventful life of Bea.

But I am going to Sedona this weekend with Rubes - girl time, fun time and relaxation. I need to get out of this city for a day or so - I am really looking forward to it!

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween! YEA! Okay - not that excited...had a great time at my brother's Halloween party, pics will be up this week I hope! His house was decorated to the max and it looked great...and so did the numerous jello shots that we consumed! It was nice to hang out with the big bro - and get wasted. Yet I sorta drank myself sober, by 2am I was tired and definitely not buzzed. But it was okay - there was no hangover and that made it all better!

Yes folks, in a much better mood today....

Dark

Someone told me this site is dark...and it's true I guess. So I thought I would address it.

Yes, this site is dark - I feel dark inside and this is the part of me that you don't see every day. There is no mask here, no pretending - just me and how I feel. Once I feel better - maybe it won't be as dark. Sometimes things in life just don' t improve overnight. Things take time, wounds heal slowly. And if people can respect that, than I am okay with that. I don't want anyone thinking this will just fade with each passing day. I am having an extremely rough time. I find myself unable to open up - even to those I lean on and trust the most, even to myself.

When a loved one dies - it hurts, it destroys, it weakens. And I have a reputation for being strong, but I am not as strong as people think. This is different. And it isn't going away anytime soon. I am not asking for anyone to understand, just don't tell me that I'll get over it - because I don't even know if and when I will. Death sucks, and I am trying to be optimistic, but sometimes it feels good to just let the hurt...hurt. The stronger I hold up my walls of strength, the harder they fall on top of me when I lose my grip. And that is harder to bounce back from than to just allow myself to feel for the first time in my life.

It took death to make me take a hard look at myself and acknowledge the fact that I refuse to feel. To get through this, I need to feel and I need to be open about it. People can go kick rocks if they can't deal with that.

Dell = Crap

So my 'at home' PC has exploded, imploded, or basically eaten itself...so posts for the time being will be brief if any and from work. I have had more issues with computers since the day I got my first one 6 years ago. No sound, viruses - bad processor's - motherboards burned to smithereens...the usual...

Next the damn thing will get cancer and cough up something ugly. I think I should just get a new one...
Hmm... Birthday coming up!!!

Guess what type of Fairy I am?

You are a fire fairy. You are passionate and daring
and bold, and can be quick to anger. Yay! look
at the lovely picture!


What type of fairy are you?(with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Found this rather interesting, and TRUE! I love this site!! Now anyone who knows me, tell me what you think! And feel free to let me know what type of Fairy you are too!

Goddess

You are the goddess of water:You are always very
relaxed and calm around others and you tend to
make friends fairly easily.The bad side is
people can't tell when you are being serious
and when your not.


What type of goddess are you???????WITH BEAUTIFUL(AND I MEAN BEAUTIFUL) PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

The ironic thing about this is that I never used to be this way, calm and relaxed. But lately most definitely. Other's have commented on it too. My calmness, with brief outbursts of energy that are lost as quickly as they emerge. Astrologically, I am a water sign. Still waters run deep. These tests are wierd yet to the point. I guess I am evolving. Aren't we all?

Relaxation

I had such a fabulous weekend with Dave. We drove north to see the Grand Canyon, it was fabulous. Spending time with him has been the most calming and relieving sensation I've had since my husband's murder. I needed him to be here, I needed to see him again. He is such a great friend and I am lucky to have him as one...

And then he left, and I cried in my car. I truly am alone out here. I have 'friends' - but their friendships just aren't the same, and now that Matt's gone - I don't know what I have left here anymore. I have never felt more alone in my life and I don't know what I am going to do.

So I am off to see 'Cold' tonite, for me - because they rock, and hopefully I can snag a few autographs, and yes, I will you send you one Dave.

Joy, Oh Joy!

Well it has been a few days, hasn't it? I spent the weekend with my mom and had such a blast! From shopping, to more shopping - and then tattoos! Yes, my mother got a tattoo...and once I figure out how to upload a pic onto this darn thing, I will be able to show the public that yes, my mom got her first tattoo. Why is this amazing? Considering that I have a very conservative father and a heavy metal hippie for a mom - it's about time she did something she wanted to do! We went out to tat ourselves in memory of my husband. No names, or epitaphs...just something to symbolize him...and yes, I got one too. Initially, we were going to get hummingbirds (and I still am) - but I really wanted an angel...and I found one, modified it and tattooed the biggie onto the middle of my back. It's beautiful and freaking sore...My mom got a hummingbird on her ankle with a yellow rose - it's so pretty!

So for all my 'vanity and sins' - I am still a rough around the edges broad who likes to tattoo myself. I am only up to 4, for the time being. We'll see what happens next!

My best buddy Dave is coming into town Thursday, so hopefully we'll behave..as best we can. He's been my Super Trooper for about a decade, and it's gonna be great to see him again. Its been almost 3 years - and I am looking forward to it like a crack addict about to get a paycheck. It's going to be fantabulous to see him, drink coffee, smoke cigs and brainstorm for hours about things that mean nothing and everything at the same time. Or at least do something stupid to laugh about for years to come - we've been working on a coffee 'date' for years! I am sure I will have tales and plenty of thoughts in the near future...

Until we meet again!

Functioning Well

Okay - the auction sucked. It was far from what it was hyped up to be. I should have guessed. But I tried to be social. Came home and slept great. I have to work tomorrow for a good 6 hours, but that's okay. Overtime works for me.

As a whole, I feel better. I think a lot about things, and where I am headed. I really cannot predict the future, but at least I know what I want and expect from myself. I guess that's a start. And that is all I can ask for. I may be diving into a life forgotten, but after so long being stuck at home...I hate being here now. Sitting here alone drives me batty. I will grow out of it in time. I just hate all the adjusting, and I can only hope to make the right decisions - but I can only take it one day at a time. It's hard not to know what to do with yourself at times.

I was able to listen to the music I put together for the wake for the first time - and I didn't cry. I slept really well and it was just beautiful to dream again.

Funny, Life is...

I was just re-reading some previous entries... I really was a lost girl. I was scared to be alone, and angry at my husband (he had pushed me around a bit when I started this blog) - I have a tendency to be a decisive, ballsy, bitch. I obviously didn't have the balls to DO anything - and then he is killed - and now I just don't know WTF. We collided - two powerful people trying to maintain control. I still loved him. And it was NEVER boring.

I am a destructive broad and loud about it. And then I just rebuild and move on. I am kind of going through that now.. rebuilding, but rather than my life...I am rebuilding my 'self' and it really kinda sucks that it took something like this to make me face my self and my reality of who I am.

I didn't go running to anybody on my good days with my husband...which surprisingly were more often than I let on. Now look at me... Yes, folks - I have a tendency to be a mook. (Mook = idiot)

Work To Do

Feeling okay today - almost as if I have a grip on things... and BOY do I have a lot to do! Nothing about death is easy or easily resolved. If I could resolve all this and move on NOW, I would be one happy woman - but no. There are all the little things...

For example, my husband was killed at work - workman's comp. The company has decided to get really really quiet all of a sudden too. Hmmm... I can only be vague about details at this point, but I have aquired an attorney - and someone's balls are going to be crushed, if I have my way.

There is no price on someone's life - but hello! I have bills, I have lost a source of income - It would be different if it was a divorce or a breakup with a live-in boyfriend... but no, he was murdered at their place of employment. What the hell are they going to do for me? True, I am a pretty independent and self sufficient woman - but shouldn't they offer something? I know I can survive, because I always do - but I feel like I have been robbed. They sure as hell can't bring him back. No amount of money can...but I feel like I want to choke that company. He was murdered, at work, in Scottsdale, Arizona. People just don't GET murdered there..it's not that type of town. It's elite, uppity, and rich. Him being shot was the last thing on our minds when he decided to work there. It just doesn't happen, and it did. I am at an advantage, because the cops have pressure to maintain an image there - and they are actually doing their job, so that is somewhat comforting. But this Corporation is being a bit too vague - and I truly hope they are thinking I will just mosey along without saying anything. Being selfish IS key now, someone chose to shoot him twice - I am choosing to NOT take it in the ass. I may be young, but I am far from stupid.

I would say that is pretty damn simple. Grief is tough, but being pissed off helps a lot.

The Warden

I have come up with a new name for the 'Thing' - he is officially now "The Warden". I find that more fitting to how he treats me or reacts to me asking if I can have a life. My marriage may be going down the drain, but at least I was the one to decide to flush this shit out of my life. =P It's the little things that make me feel good, and those are too few and far between lately.

And the BEST news at the moment is that he finally is going back to his old job, which means free internet time for me at night (since I will be alone at last 3-4 nights a week. I have never been more excited. More money in our pocket, I get to get a newer vehicle that RUNS and finally feel a bit more confident about bills getting paid. I have cracked the whip, took 'The Warden' a good 4 months to figure it out - but so far so good.. My path for freedom has begun!

PMS

No one likes a woman PMSing. It's not a safe environment to be in, and I am willing to admit that. Due to my increased hormone (estrogen) level that was discovered in early 2002 - I at least have a legitimate excuse as to why I have a tendency to be a bitch. But why would a man choose to mess with a woman when she is PMSing?! WTF? So I am going to need another new outlet (which he is pissy about this too).. I feel like a starved pit bull locked in a kennel with duct tape around my mouth and a steak in front of me...

I am signing up for Kickboxing classes. Let him piss me off now!

Temporary Status

Soooo... a little bit about ME. What I do for a living is deal with people - 8 hours + a day, I am here to service you. I am a Staffing Coordinator for a staffing agency (how I ended up here was pure Bea Luck/Personality). I started out as a file clerk, but my bosses loved how people loved me. Anyone that knows me, knows I can talk to just about anyone about anything - I can be pretty bubbly when I want to, and judge a persons character within a good 60 seconds of meeting them. That really helps make my job easier.. I call 'em like I see them..

It's a pretty stressful job at times, due to #'s, and keeping these fools at WORK. But thanks to my playing - cuteness, and social ability to please, the majority of them keep coming to work and pick up their checks.

But some of them are absolute MORONS! Oh my goodness... it's insane. I am hoping with this experience to move into a more HR role where numbers are no longer a factor, but client/business relationships are the most important. Plus, HR pays better. I am praying for that biggie raise here soon (September is the deadline) - but I just have to wait and see. Sometimes I feel they like me cuz of my perky boobs and confident "I own you" nature. If it pays me more though, the more $ the merrier! It's my ticket outta here! I will take what I can get so I can take it with me... far far away.

And now I have a nifty job fair to prepare for..FUN FUN FUN!!!

Happy August!

I can't believe it's freaking August! That means birthdays, christmas, and shopping for FALL. I love it! My favorite season is coming and quick...

As for new events in my life, I had a pretty decent weekend - no fighting, got to spend money I shouldn't have and I talked to my MOM. Yes, I am a "Mommy's Girl" and just recently realized a "Daddy's Girl" too... But I am planning a long weekend with my Mommy in San Francisco here in 2 weeks and have never been more stoked. As always she is supportive and wants the wonderful world of daisies and sunshine for me... too bad the harsh reality is that I have already made up my mind. I would rather be alone than even risk my future with someone who wouldn't know respect and decency if it slapped him in the face... I also look forward to sharing this news with her. I guess I have always been pretty decisive and she really wants me to think things through, but do I need to feel another bruise on my skin, or in my heart to realize this is not normal? And knowing my own mother's past, I don't see how she could disagree with me. And I really don't care if she does.

I guess I love with all my heart, and despise with all my heart too. It's one or the other with me, there isn't any in between... has there ever been?

Sarah

I have been listening to Sarah McLachlan since I was 11 years old, almost 14 years of dedication and love of her music.. and her music has always touched a part of me that no other can come close to. She has eased me through loss, anger, love, and a whole lot of heartache... Since 2003, her latest album 'Afterglow' - one song has summed up my life and my relationships with men since moving to the Arizonan desert... the whole CD is fabulous, but 'Stupid' is how I feel most times...

Stupid
Night lift up the shades, let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now, for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone, to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That your no good for me
But you're the only one I see...

Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak, except to cry out and wait for your answer
And you come around in your time, speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you...

Everything changes, everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know...

Who can I apply it to this month?

Temporary Relief

Mom's okay - well sorta. The tissue on her lung is hardening which doesn't exactly aid in easier breathing, but at least it is not the big "C". So that was a relief! Still worried of course, but what can I do... Hoping I can go see her soon, it's been over a year...

My brother on the other hand (in the Army) - the clot in his brain is no better nor are his headaches, but he is going to be a daddy in March of 2006 it looks like, so he is excited about that. He has something to at least distract him for the most part. He is such a worry wart, probably gets it from his big sis. For now, he is getting pumped with pain killers and being watched.. it hasn't gotten worse, but it hasn't gone away... Why is technology not so grand when you really need it to be?

I think these things going on in my family help me realize a lot too, that my problems really aren't as big as they seem compared to those of others...

They still SUCK of course - there's no changing that fact!

Quick Update

I am having the most fabulous time with this.. so if you notice 8 million changes to links - or titles to areas, its because I am still learning here and having a ball! So bear with me, just attempting to personalize the most personal thing I have got (other than PANTIES).

And BTW: if you start to notice really 'Male' things and then really 'GIRLY' things like SlipKnot links to Victoria Secret ...

OH WELL, I guess I am just off like that!

P.S. I couldn't get too technical with V.S. just yet - maybe next time!

Puppypooplooza

Had an interesting morning today... 5am I wake up to a blood curdling scream. You know, the "WTF" roll over and try to get a grasp on consciousness? Well...my puppies had a moment last nite. I know they are babies still and they decided to host a poop fest last nite and it got smeared all over their bed, their kennel, their fur... YUCK. Fortunately, my husband was the first to the scene and they got a good swat on the butt and taken outside. I awoke and went to a kitchen that highly resembled a murder scene and almost fainted. I could not believe the stench and how it got EVERYWHERE! It was really amazing. So I spent a good hour of my morning washing and nurturing my puppies because they were so scared out of their minds. It was cute though, to have them all wrapped up in blankies laying in my lap while I drank my coffee. Kinda peaceful. House no longer smells like poop btw. I was burning incense, spraying the ever faithful Febreze.. I would say that my day started off great!

In Other News:
As for all of the other amazingly insane and strange things in my life, including my nutso emotions... I am feeling quite level. Just wanted readers to know... I am not any happier, but I am not losing it either..its nice to find a peace inside.

Even if it is only temporary.. with me, who knows when hell will break loose!

TGIF!

TGIF everyone! It has been a LONG short week. But that is okay, at least it is over... going to make sure to roast myself in this desert sun... On a mission for a black swimming suit! But is that really smart in Arizona? I don't think I care, I still need to get one... Every woman has a need...

Back for more later, hoping to update the VIEW of this site - I am definitely NOT a black and white personality.... (race maybe)

Chow!