Vanity & Sin

Your Shit Storm Awaits...

Too much has happened this year for me to just easily wrap my mind around anything. Way too much. Things I never expected, things I never dreamed... Things only to leave me wondering just when and where I got off the train and stopped paying attention. I am a mom now, still a widow, still wondering when my heart will and can find peace.

Matt's killer will be released back into society any day now.. I can only pray the cops are waiting for him.. 3 years of nothing, 3 years of pain, 3 years of hope that justice will be served - only to be let down.

Motherhood entered into my life, recentering my entire being.. making me see the world through a new set of eyes..

Death has come again to a friend whose life was too short, a mother, a friend, a strong and beautiful woman - someone who I never thought I'd see buried before me or before anyone. Tiff was 25. The same age as Matt...

These things make you think. Think where you went wrong, think what you did right, think what you could do to make it all be just a bit easier - just a little more pleasant...

And my mind drifts to a time long gone, a time I left behind. And I give up. I am tired of believing. Hoping. Maybe it's truly just easier to function and get through the day.

I am just so tired of people's self-preservation bullshit - it sickens me to realize they can't see outside their own world and into others. But we are all supposed to pity them and be there for them and try to be a friend, when all they want is a sounding board. Would it be easier for you if I gave a shit what you think?

I've lived, loved, lost, and suffered... so the fuck what? Go plant your own funeral for affection with those who haven't been listening to your shit for almost 13 years.

We'll Miss You Tiffanie...

My friend Tiffanie passed away yesterday afternoon ~ and my heart goes out to her family. I found out at work which was awkward..that whole processn of death sinking in has a heartwrenching effect sometimes, but I'm okay. She was so peaceful these past few weeks that her optimism became contagious - and my girl is at peace at last. And I am happy that she is no longer in pain.. Her sons are doing okay too so far...

I love you Tiff!! You were a Rockstar, amazing woman, mother, and friend.. You'll always have a place in my heart...

In Memory of Tiffanie Wyke...
May 25, 1983 - August 29, 2008

3 Years...

Today is the 3 year anniversary of Matt's death, and I must say that time has not made it any less of a memory. It doesn't fade. It doesn't stop aching. I'll never stop missing him. I'll never stop loving him. I don't think I could even if I tried. I thought that maybe with time, this day would come easier, but it has only made me more open to who I really am inside. It's a day of re-awakening and love. I know he's with me & always will be...I wouldn't trade these memories or silent tears for anything in the world.

In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long,
I can't believe your gone

You still live in me,
I feel you in the wind,
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

Now I come home and I miss your face so,
Smiling down on me,

I close my eyes to see and I know
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you,
In loving memory of,
The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be,
And even though you're gone,
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

But now I come home and its not the same no,
Feels empty and alone,
I can't believe you're gone
And I know

You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I'm glad it set you free from sorrow,
I'll still love you more tomorrow,
And you'll be here with me still.

All you did, you did with feeling,
And you always found the meaning,
And you always will,
And you always will,
And you always will.

And I know,
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it wild
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

Numbers are IN!!

We raised $1400 today!!

It was worth the sweat and stink ~ and wierd flip flop tan lines... Damn I feel good!!

What a Blast!!

What a weekend! Friday night was Tiffanie's "Last" Party ~ talk about a turnout! I haven't drank that much in a while ~ and I even sang karaoke for the first time ever with her! I couldn't say no. She was the star of the night. It was a great time with some emotional moments, but I had so much fun. It was such a great group of people AND I got to make many new friends!!

Today - bright and early, Aliyah and I were out at her donation car wash to raise money for her expenses forthcoming ~ and wow. Did I get a bitchin flip flop tan!! I - YES - was street-side for Miss Tiff holdin the sign, hollering at drivers, rockin a cowboy hat and bikini top. I hope there are no pics... But it was a great day and I really feel good about sweating like a rhino's ass out there in this heat.. Tiffanie even spent the whole day out there with us! It was nice for people to be able to meet her, I think it really helped. We had a great turnout today too! Can't wait til final numbers are in.. every little bit is helping her and her family.

Crazy thing is that in the side of town she lives on...I swear we needed signs in spanish..eek. But at least they still stopped in and got their cars washed..

Good times!!

Exhausted and still going strong...

I love my new job, been slammed with finals..and am in dire need of a vacation!! I am trying desperately to adjust to my new commute, schedule, and classes - talk about insanity. On top of that, getting ready to move isn't making time availability any easier?

Why do I pile these things on myself? Or do I just love being to the max 100% of the time?

I've thought about that a lot the past few days - and I must say that I didn't intentionally pile these things on myself...I just didn't give up anything when I decided to be a mother. And I think that is the hardest part - to clear or not to clear my plate? I just refuse to put my career or education on hold - and while this is all a matter of opinion - why should I? Everything I do, I do for her.

But dammit, I need a break. I am not finding any relief here, and support is seriously lacking. I just need a break, which I know I'll get..and soon. I just hope that I have all of my hair when I get there.

Sometimes I really wonder if all the fighting is going to be even be worth it in the end. I can only hope I just get to the end - and when I can finally just let go of all the strings and schedules that I hold onto so dearly for life and just to get through each day... Can I ever really collapse?

I fucking doubt it.

Binky Diving

I find it hilarious that my life has come to this turning point with the joys of motherhood. Aside from binky dives, spit up on my shirt, booger suckers, and diapers...it's not so bad! Honestly though, my daughter is a month old now and I am still reveling in the shock of it all. Derek has had a harder time adjusting (I think). I am not sure, but he is pretty upset sometimes that he can't play Halo. I am pretty upset because I hardly have time for school! It'd be nice to get a little bit of help, but that hasn't happened yet. I won't lie. Thank god my mother is coming into town. I've even considered stopping after my Associates and waiting on my Bachelor's. If he doesn't step up soon - I am gonna freak out. Well - freak out more than I have already. I think he is a little intimidated by her, but when he commented that this time of her life is my job - I almost punched him in the face.

I am a mom - unmarried and struggling in a relationship that was never based much on anything except friendship and fun. His parents were in town and kept bugging about marriage - but what the hell would I get married for? I have no desire to and I don't believe in marrying anyone I am not in love with. Simple. And I am not in love with anyone. But I am worried that I am watching a relationship dissolve yet cling together solely on the basis that we have a child together.

Everything happens for a reason and I really wonder where this road is headed...

Almost 23 Weeks...

And less than 17 to go. How scary is that?! Scary enough for me.

I have been poor about updating this - because frankly, I believe this baby is literally eating my brain! Yes! Chunks at a time ~ and it's driving me bananas. I am doing well - things are well, the baby is well...yay! All is well. I am getting used to this newfound round belly-body that seems to take up more space than I anticipated. You know you're getting big when your belly bumps into everything. Oh yeah..fun stuff!

This whole process is definitely the closest to insanity that I've known in a while. And on top of that - I am having a girl. My brain seems to be absorbing all of this at a very slow pace - but I don't mind that. I need the slower pace to help me get through these days of pre-motherhood. Women are insane if they want to do this multiple times.

All in all it's just another day in the life of Bea ~ and this is the calmer version! More to come when I can type with my feet up and sprawled out since breathing comfortably upright is my next adventure to adjust to..good ol' belly!

My Immortal

Matthew A. Williams
4/12/80 - 8/22/05

Happy Anniversary to the moments that change lives forever...
Your love still lights my way...

Prelude to the Anniversary

The lovely psychiatrists & doctors have deemed my husband's murderer "incompetent" and "unrestorable" - meaning that he will be relocated to a State mental hospital indefinitely until restored. Also meaning that the charges must be dropped by the prosecution for Murder in the First Degree. If he is 'restored' and released a FREE MAN from the mental ward, then we can re-file the charges.

I guess the S.O.B. isn't cooperating with the doctors either OR taking his meds. I just can't believe this ~ and there is a part of me that thinks it is my fault. What if it would have been different if I had made every court hearing? Would that have helped? Or is the judicial system just that warped ~ and defective.

The next hearing date is on the eve of the 2 year anniversary of Matt's death. I'll be there, and I am going to be pissed. I hope that bastard feels every ice filled, hateful glare I have in store for him ~ because I have lost faith, and I feel like I have lost Matt all over again.

Why is this happening? Some things I just don't understand, but they sure know how to rip apart sore wounds...

I Believe In Miracles

Well. I am pregnant. Through all the psychotic surgery and recovery and testing...yep. There is a lil me floatin somewhere. And that is entirely a miracle. Doctors are shocked since my 'medical condition' makes it pretty much impossible to have children. A reality I have long since accepted, and now proven myself entirely wrong.

Derek and I are going to be parents! A frightening, OMG where is my life going to lead me next, yet exciting adventure we are both looking forward to embracing. He is really going to be a great dad. And don't anyone dare ask if we are getting married - because that is a NO. He understands, I am not ready ~ and I don't care who cares. I already felt bad because I am pregnant and that kinda goes against having babies pre-maritally...but oops. I can't turn this down because it will probably never happen again.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect, but we are just taking it one day at a time. And eerily, I have been 'happier' lately. How freaking odd is that? Maybe that's a miracle too!

I didn't do it...

I didn't leave him. I had to take a few serious looks at myself, and my life ~ and I couldn't do it. Derek is a very important part of my life whether or not it's forever or not. That's all I can say. Boy, did I push as hard as I could! The moment that he questioned our relationship, is the moment that I realized I had gone too far. So now, things are calm ~ enough. I am behaving and not pushing...but if this is going to work, I have to make sure I keep my head on straight. I may lose the best thing that has ever happened to me - and that may just make me insane. I have accepted that I can lose this at any time, but so far we are okay. We are back to having fun, and me not trying so damn hard to be a grown up. I even played video games last Sunday for 4 hours straight!! *Resistance: Fall of Man ~ PS3 baby!!

I guess there will always be a hollow part of me that is ready to bail at any moment in time. I have decided that it is a survival instinct, something that I have grown accustomed to with all the wonderful, wacky events in my life. I am a runner ~ and I will run away...unless I fight to keep my feet on the ground. At this point in my life, Derek is worth the feet on the ground. But he and I both know that can change at any time, but we both accept and respect that. And that is what I love about being with him. We accept each other for who we are - and have a blast together as much as possible!

Life is only about living... embrace it!

Update May 2007

Where to start? I am alive and well! That is a good start..

On a personal level, I am once again at wits end with the male species. I guess I am growing up, or 'maturing'. I have absolutely had it with 'raising' men. I can't do it, I don't want to do it - I am nobody's momma, and I am not starting now. I have contemplated a lot just what it is I am supposed to do with this realization. For months I have hoped that things would work themselves out, but they aren't and I feel that they are getting worse. How do you dump the nicest guy you've ever dated - because he acts like a 15 year old 80% of the time? I have completely lost interest, I could care less if we even hug each other before work. This is awful for both of us, but unfortunately, once again I get to be the bad guy.

Like my daddy's always said: I am a little hearbreaker. Maybe he is right. I can't do this anymore. To myself or anyone else.

I think I should just reinvent myself to emulate 'Patsy' from AbFab...single, old hot chick that burns people with cigarettes that piss her off, vodka always on hand. Hmmmm, I may be on to something there! I guess this year is another growing and evolving experience.

The Unwanted Reality

Yesterday I went to the pre-trial conference - to confront my demons. I met the prosecutor, saw Matt's mother and brother and had a pretty rough morning. I did see his killer sitting in the courtroom, looking smug and I never felt more out of my mind than I did at that moment that I saw him. I want to vomit, scream, and faint all at the same time. I had no idea what to really expect anyway - but it was a lot of pain, and the re-opening of some thick scabs. I cried. Just seeing Matt's mom makes me want to cry - this whole situation just makes me want to cry sometimes.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I am bracing myself for the future. I am looking to at least 1-2 years BEFORE this even goes to trial. It's far from over for me and for his family. And I am not going anywhere until I know that this chapter of my life has closed. This is an experience I need to embrace and face head on - but talk about tough! I can only hope that I can make it through this. I have hit the point of tough decision making, life changing choices - and my future is only beginning. I am optimistic though. I can't let this destroy me - so as I stress, I have been obsessively cleaning. Which is a good thing. I need to Bea-ify my house. And I am finally able to do it. It feels great. There is something "freeing" in it. And I need that feeling - I feel good about 'me' again. At last!

Shattered

Grief is like a personality disorder. One day you wake up ready to take on the world, the next...you are awaiting sleep to dream away the pain that swells inside you. It's utterly amazing and horrific all at the same time. Today has been one of those days.

I decided to take off for a drive, I drove to Chandler - where Matt and I first lived, past the club we met in - all the little places that hold so many memories. Upon returning home, I decided to watch 'The Notebook', our favorite love story. Duh. And now my only thoughts are of that morning I got the phone call.

August 22nd replays through my head like a broken record - the phone call from my father-in-law to turn on the news and what hotel did he work at? The frantic anticipation of Matt's phone call to wake me up that never came. He always called me at 5:30am when he worked nights to wake me up and tell me he loved me. Instead I sat in our garage staring at his parking spot waiting for the detectives to arrive. The phone call to the police who wouldn't let me hang up, and text messaging my mom because I was afraid to hear her voice. I didn't cry until I saw my in-laws and my brother. My whole world collapsed in their arms. I collapsed and a huge part of me is still lying on the ground in tears over the death of her husband. The other part is still that zombie walking around with smiles and laughter - pretending to be strong when she is only shattered on the inside. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being strong.

Life doesn't mean the same it once did. There is no tomorrow, only today and what we make of it. Plans will be broken, promises unkept...dreams forgotten, lost within the tears we shed. So many people out there just don't realize that for the reality it is. Maybe if we did, grief wouldn't be as hard - our pain as great. Maybe the loved ones we lose through time would never doubt the love that was bestowed upon them in life. Maybe my heart wouldn't doubt that he knew I loved him. I couldn't tell him enough that night. He probably thought I was out of my mind talking to him all night long - just to tell him how much I loved him, and how I couldn't sleep without him. All the wonderful things I was planning on doing to the house. The things that we were planning together. Are all gone, they were stolen from us - my life as I knew it was taken in a single breath and the pull of a trigger. In all honesty, I absolutely hate my life. Hopefully, I will get over that in time. But I will sadly stay in that state of mind until I can believe in life again, and in hopes and dreams. Because they don't mean shit to me anymore. No matter how hard I try - that innocent hope, and naive girl are gone forever. I thought we would grow old together. I wanted to die when he died. At 80, wrinkled and toothless...but here I am, with my heart broken into a million pieces. Alive and alone.

I'm on a mission...

I am doing okay today. It's amazing that with all of the events surrounding my life, how little things can throw you off course. They caught my husband's killer, and I broke down. A mixture of joy and pain all at once. And then you feel a calm you've been missing - and you wonder what door is unlocking. I've lived behind many locked doors - and I've only allowed others to see what I wanted them to see, and when I chose for them to see it. I don't consider it living a lie, I call it "Being Cautious".

In the aftermath of Matt's death, I am trying to remain more open to feeling and functioning as an emotional human being. I guess I could say that I am doing okay overall. But I still question so much. That may be grief, confusion, or the fight to banish denial from my soul. I am not quite sure... All I know is that I have chosen to confront and conquer these battles - whether it be one at a time, or a few at once. I've realized that there is a lot that pains me, that I've held onto for years.

The past 4 years of my life have been the strangest and most painful yet - and it's far from over. In everything that has occurred recently, this is only the beginning for me - and it doesn't frighten me so much anymore.

Good Grief

Lately I have been asking myself, am I grieving? I go through the daily functions of work, eating, sleeping - even laughing and smiling throughout the day. Is this just a mask I wear, or am I feeling honestly good inside? To be honest, I think it is a bit of both. I bought some books on grieving to help guide me through this, and they have really helped. I am in denial and I am angry. Maybe more.. I may not personally feel that way - but I am realizing that this is just something that is going to take time - a day at a time.

So how does Bea deal with grief? I have focused my energies on eating healthy - sushi, salad, and chicken. No junk, no soda (coffee is my only caffeine)...I haven't eaten fast food since the Friday before Matt was shot. And I have never felt better physically. I sleep better and feel better throughout the day. I have been going out one night a week - to dress up, feel hot, remember that I am not dead, I am still 23 years old, and I've still got it. And then I come home and talk to Matt to tell him how much fun I've had. The hardest part since all of this has happened is just plain functioning.. I don't want to end up one of those old crazy widows with 37 cats all named Matt. Blinds shut and mumbling to myself - pattering around the house like a loony toon. I am think I am hanging in there so far.

Events like this in your life really make you take a step back and really look at who you are - inside and out. I have a lot to face, but it's worth it to me. And that's all that really matters.

In Memory

I found out from a friend back home that a kid we went to school with was killed in Iraq. I wasn't close to him, any closer than a classmate and casual conversation, but it has touched me and I feel deeply for his family. He and my brother both made the choice to protect this country, even if we don't know the reason why.

He knew my brother, and I know my brother looked up to him in ROTC way back when, and I can't even find the words to break the news to him...I don't even want to say anything, because I don't want to scare him..

RIP David...

The Future

It's awful never knowing what the future will bring. Even though it is a fact of life, I still want to know. So I can only hope for the best...

My brother is supposed to be deployed for Iraq in January...No thanks to our government feeling it necessary to put its foot into every country on this planet.. but that is what he has committed to and I can only pray for the best.

'The Warden' is a sad puppy when it comes to not being with me, and now he wants to do counseling. Should I? I told him I don't even care enough to do it, but I am thinking I should so that when D-Day comes, I am better prepared in court to say we 'tried'. I don't want to prolong this though...so should I pack up and leave now? He doesn't see that I am not trying to save our marriage and that I want out...I need him to consent, so that is my newest project. It's too bad that he loves me so.. Hate sounding cruel and unfeeling, but I don't feel anything anymore.. The love we had is dead - the love I had for him, is dead... I don't look forward to a lifetime with someone I don't love anymore..so we shall see what happens.

I wish this wasn't so complicated! But when has my life ever been simple?

This Is Me

I thought maybe I would do some self analyzing this evening, as I am pondering a few things about myself. For starters, I am a selfish person. I want what I want when I want it and I will get it. I love people in general, varying from the lovely to those suffering. I have a need to heal others. But that need is slowly passing. I have taken to many beatings trying to help those who can't help themselves and ended up married in the process. But that shall be removed from my life soon.

I don't see myself as the type of woman who should be married. I have wandering eyes, emotions and ideas. I have settled down a little bit, but I am more a less a flake when it comes to committment - obviously. A guy pal of mine made sure to point out that I am a huge flirt, and I responded with, "Some people just weren't meant to be married." That is my mindset. Not of babies, not of a family - just ME. I am more concerned about shoes than I am of taking my husband's son to the park. I have separated myself from my own reality, and it happened a long time ago. I stopped caring a long time ago. I flat out hate my present life. It was the BIGGEST mistake I have ever made in my LIFE.

So rather than look back (and I am GOOD at not looking back), I just push forward, tearing through someone else's heart and soul, not thinking twice about what I am doing to myself. I refuse to attach to anyone, even my own husband. I don't see the point, and I don't believe in 'being in love' either. I don't think it exists, and anyone who says it does is a fool with a lot of ex's.

I loved once, with my whole being. Not my current 'Warden' ever. I haven't even figured out what the hell I am doing with him anyway. It was hell from the beginning. But anyway - I think my heart was literally ripped from my chest and shoved back down my throat. So I went as far as I could. From that point I have wandered near and far from caring arms, luring and leaving behind possibities that I most likely won't return to. I can't hurt the ones that truly care anymore. It hurts. What I wouldn't mind doing is choking the one who hurt me most. Maybe at that point I was that B.S. they call 'being in love' but I doubt it. We just worked for a time, and I have never known an inner peace like that since. We stopped believing in each other - or at least what we could've been. He stopped believing me - and has questioned me, my actions, and how I felt about him. And that's what hurts the most.

And from that point, I just didn't care anymore. Why? Men just let you down, don't speak up and break your heart. So that leads to why I married 'The Warden'. The first and ONLY man (asshole) in my life that has ever stood up and gotten in my face. Now that has led to the downfall of our marriage because he has a knack for getting a little 'too' into my face. Nothing bad, but enough for me to want to die. So I screwed up again. Went for the only guy to speak up for himself and not let me run his life and it has whooped my ass. MISTAKE again!!! So obviously that didn't work either.

So what do I do? Go for the next fluke to cross my path and entertain me? How long will that last? Do I return 'HOME' - the place I left crying? I doubt it. I don't believe there is anything there for me anymore. It's a safe place, don't get me wrong.. but there is too much shit there too, that I don't think I want to deal with.

Maybe I will just roam the wild west and mutilate the souls who try to tame me. I am so tired of trying to believe in things that don't exist. I am so tired of feeling and giving a damn. It isn't worth it, or at least I haven't discovered why it would be. My track record sucks.

Maybe I should return 'HOME' and stand on a few doorsteps... I have some words for a lot of people.

13 Days and Counting...

Until I get to see my mom! I am excited, but I am really anticipating the events surrounding my visit. So much is going to change in my life and quickly pending this visit and my performance review at work. September 1st they are going to determine if I can handle my job or not. Considering the fact that I have never working in staffing nor human resources, I would say that I am handling my job well.

So I am keeping my chin up and praying for a smooth landing. I find myself at times chanting the reasoning behind my 'to be announced' choices. And I am attempting to conquer the feeling of being alone, even when I am married to 'The Warden' and truly wish not to be. It's as though I need to remind myself why I am going to leave him to keep me from falling back into the slump I have been in since the last time I left him.

Why wait? Because I am scared, I am nervous, and I really need the support of my mom. I know I have my dad's, but my mother is tougher to deal with. She wants a picture perfect life for me, even if it doesn't exist with my current husband. She wants grandbabies, and happiness for me, but I need her to understand how I feel and that those things do not exist for me. Or at least let her know. And she can go from there. My whole world is about to collapse, and I fear the time afterward. What is going to happen next? I have so many questions that are not ready to be answered yet.

There is so much that I want to know, but I fear that if I push now - I will run in the wrong direction again if I hear something I am not fully prepared for. Or something that I want to hear, and don't.

Will I make the right choice next time?

Indecision

With new found confidence and hope, I find myself silently panicking. What will my future bring? Am I making the right choice for my future? I know that I am, but where will my path lead me once I am free again? Where will I go, where will my heart lead me? Hopefully I have grown enough from this experience to not hurt others again, but that is a fairy tale dream that I cannot hold onto anymore. People hurt, get hurt and that's just a fact of life... but I don't want to be that person anymore. Where am I going to be in a year's time? That is the question of the day... Where do I want to be in a year?

My only response so far is that I want to be free... Talk about an open ended statement there!

Friendship

I love my friends.. whether new or old, because they have always been there for me and are there for me every day. It's hard sometimes to be in the situation that I am in - but knowing that I have their support does assist in my proverbial 'balls' that are really needed at this stage in my life.. It's great to know someone has your back, still understands and loves you, even if they are miles and miles away. I am in a good mood today! That's a first in a while.. and boy, did I need it.

Thanks to all of you! I love you all (J.G.D.W., L.A.S.C., M.O.M., I.D., W.R.M.) and think of you often!

Side Note

Today we get the results for my mom's CAT scan of her lungs, she is really panicky. I am praying for the best, but sometimes certain emotions just can't be set aside...anger, love, devotion and even hate. I think that sums up how I feel the majority of the time! Such extremes for one person to tackle day in and day out, but what can you do? Until our lives are what we make it and what we want it to be, what do they expect me to do? Fake it? I don't pretend anymore, it got me stuck square in this hellish place in the first place...

Pretending is for the lost, reality is for the forsaken...I think I am caught somewhere in the middle.

My worst enemy is my own reality.