Unemployed going on three weeks now - so I am in a mild state of panic, but managing. Had 2 interviews with one company last week, met with the Director/President/and COO of the company, so I am staying optimistic! It's the waiting period that is a doozy.

The day of the COO meet, I had the most horrible gut feeling leaving the building needing to call Derek...and lo-an-behold, he had just been in a motorcycle accident not 10 minutes before. Psychic much? He is okay, was in a bit of shock at the time. Fortunately he had all his gear on. Crappy gloves didn't do much to relieve damage to his left hand - but he had surgery that night and I've been Nurse/Mommy/Student FT since then. He had a severe "evulsion" to his left ring finger and 3rd degree burns on his right finger - resulting in 2 skin grafts and a pin to reattach torn ligaments, not to mention most of his nerve endings are gone. We go to the surgeon for a follow up on Thursday this week - so I am hoping for some good news. His road rash is healing well. I've been happily cleaning the gore and pus, literally. Got some great pictures out of it! I just love that stuff..and he loves that I'll goop him up on demand. =)

School. Is. A. Bitch. I have been taking a Research & Statistics course, and I've never hated anything more. My neo-nazi of a teacher is the most uncommunicative nightmare I've ever had to work with! And guess what? I start round 2 tomorrow for the next 5 weeks of statistic freaking fun. This stuff is Chinese to me - I just need to pass and get on with the next. Eek. I'll be happy if I get a "C" here. Math formulas and I are arch enemies, but I must say I comprehend things MUCH better after a lovely dose of Xanax. And a drink. LOL

I'm doing alright folks! For now... Let's hope to hear back from this job and move forward with a new career! I really love the company and their philosophies - so it is my first pick, but I am hoping I do get it so I don't have to resort to some pissant Recruiting job that makes me as miserable as I was before. *Sigh* I'll be okay!! Promise.

Halloween was an absolute blast. Aliyah's first year, she went as a Pirate! Yes she did - and was cute as hell too. My brother's party was another huge success, with only one person getting his life threatened by the Sherwood kids for messing with our baby brother. It was awesome.

Aliyah has been the joy of my days. The Presidential Election is finally over, yet just beginning and I've never been more excited! I really felt a part of something and am so glad I was out standing in line at 6:30am yesterday ready to cast my vote for someone I actually believe in. It's been a great long road, but we made it!

I will post more soon ~ I'm behind on so many things here. But I am alive and well, happy, and optimistic - ready for change, ready for the future. On more levels than I thought I'd ever feel or experience.

And I'm counting down to the most kick ass birthday bash for myself and my bff Rubes!! Now that is going to be one for the history books!!

Not gonna ever own what’s mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I’m screaming, “I love you so”)
On my own
(My thoughts you can’t decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools
Of ourselves

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well
I think I know
I think I know

There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true

Aliyah is goofier everyday, and keeps me going no matter how tough it gets. I've never been more blessed...

What's wrong with the idea that your soul mate rescues you after you're both dead? AND you get a second chance?

Maybe it's the connection I feel with the wife/mother every time she cries in this one.. I've seen that in my own reflection too often in life..?? Maybe because my soul is wandering somewhere waiting to be rescued...

Maybe because I am dead already...

Matt's killer will be released back into society any day now.. I can only pray the cops are waiting for him.. 3 years of nothing, 3 years of pain, 3 years of hope that justice will be served - only to be let down.

Motherhood entered into my life, recentering my entire being.. making me see the world through a new set of eyes..

Death has come again to a friend whose life was too short, a mother, a friend, a strong and beautiful woman - someone who I never thought I'd see buried before me or before anyone. Tiff was 25. The same age as Matt...

These things make you think. Think where you went wrong, think what you did right, think what you could do to make it all be just a bit easier - just a little more pleasant...

And my mind drifts to a time long gone, a time I left behind. And I give up. I am tired of believing. Hoping. Maybe it's truly just easier to function and get through the day.

I am just so tired of people's self-preservation bullshit - it sickens me to realize they can't see outside their own world and into others. But we are all supposed to pity them and be there for them and try to be a friend, when all they want is a sounding board. Would it be easier for you if I gave a shit what you think?

I've lived, loved, lost, and suffered... so the fuck what? Go plant your own funeral for affection with those who haven't been listening to your shit for almost 13 years.

I love you Tiff!! You were a Rockstar, amazing woman, mother, and friend.. You'll always have a place in my heart...

In Memory of Tiffanie Wyke...
May 25, 1983 - August 29, 2008

Today is the 3 year anniversary of Matt's death, and I must say that time has not made it any less of a memory. It doesn't fade. It doesn't stop aching. I'll never stop missing him. I'll never stop loving him. I don't think I could even if I tried. I thought that maybe with time, this day would come easier, but it has only made me more open to who I really am inside. It's a day of re-awakening and love. I know he's with me & always will be...I wouldn't trade these memories or silent tears for anything in the world.

You still live in me,
I feel you in the wind,
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

Now I come home and I miss your face so,
Smiling down on me,

I close my eyes to see and I know
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you,
In loving memory of,
The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be,
And even though you're gone,
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone no,
Because you were always there for me,
You were always waiting.

But now I come home and its not the same no,
Feels empty and alone,
I can't believe you're gone
And I know

You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it while
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I'm glad it set you free from sorrow,
I'll still love you more tomorrow,
And you'll be here with me still.

All you did, you did with feeling,
And you always found the meaning,
And you always will,
And you always will,
And you always will.

And I know,
You're a part of me, and its your song
That sets me free
I sing it wild
I feel I cant hold on
I sing tonight
Because it comforts me

I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home

And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me

Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here
On my knees

And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

And I don't understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
Oh I miss everything

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room

1) My birth name (minus my surname(s) is Beatrice Lynn
2) I am named after my grandmother
3) My mother wanted to name me "Nicole Lynn"
4) TOTAL stripper name!! "Nikki Lynn, to the stage please"
5) But maybe then I would have been rich?
6) Maybe not...
7) I love my name
8) I wish I could go back to my maiden name...
9) Maybe soon, maybe not - not up to me yet
10) The judicial system is bullshit
11) My husband's murderer got off on 'insanity' or in politically correct terms, 'incompetent and unrestorable'
12) It broke my heart
13) My heart's been broken a lot
14) I've broken my share of hearts...
15) I'm known for speaking everything on my mind
16) And never what's in my heart
17) I'm working on that - and it feels good to be

It was worth the sweat and stink ~ and wierd flip flop tan lines... Damn I feel good!!

Today - bright and early, Aliyah and I were out at her donation car wash to raise money for her expenses forthcoming ~ and wow. Did I get a bitchin flip flop tan!! I - YES - was street-side for Miss Tiff holdin the sign, hollering at drivers, rockin a cowboy hat and bikini top. I hope there are no pics... But it was a great day and I really feel good about sweating like a rhino's ass out there in this heat.. Tiffanie even spent the whole day out there with us! It was nice for people to be able to meet her, I think it really helped. We had a great turnout today too! Can't wait til final numbers are in.. every little bit is helping her and her family.

Crazy thing is that in the side of town she lives on...I swear we needed signs in spanish..eek. But at least they still stopped in and got their cars washed..

Good times!!

I don't even know how I am managing all this... I sometimes just wish I could shatter into pieces. But I know that weakness isn't exactly my forte...

I can't wait til I can be 'still' again ~ and it's coming. Even if its brief, any moment that I can find to be at peace inside...I'm taking it. I need it.

If it takes my whole life, I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
you'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life, I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind...